The Lights Are On, But Nobody's Home

I've heard that saying so many times in my life - not directed at me, or anything, just you know - in passing. Now, you see or meet people like this all the time. You swear you can hear the wind rushing through one ear and out the other with them. There's just nothing going on in there.

It occurred to me today that I have the absolute opposite problem.

It must appear to people that I am of the "lights are on, but nobody's home" variety, though. I mean, it just must. I am expressionless almost all of the time. I have no telling emotions to give anyone a clue that there's even a single thought floating through my mind at all. Only someone who really, really knows my eyes would be able to tell what I'm feeling - and even then it would be hard.

Inside I am a whirlwind of thoughts and ideas that I can never shut off. I want to do, say, feel, act, so many things. My body doesn't respond like it's supposed to, though. I feel like I'm a prisoner. I scream at myself internally to get off my ass and ACT - move, say, emote...but nothing happens. I just sit and my body is in this terrible zone. I really have to fight it to do anything.

I know it's the medicine that I'm taking that's making me feel like this, and yet I cannot muster up the ... anything ... to call a doctor and make an appointment to talk to them about this. I need to get off of the xanax xr - and perhaps the lexapro, too. Just go drug free and see what it feels like to FEEL something again.

On the outside I have put 40 pounds on my body that wasn't there the day my doctor told me - assured me - that these medicines would NOT make me gain weight. I know for a solid fact that when I lose weight, look good, and feel good about how I look - that my panic attacks all but disappear. My anxiety lifts with every pound lost - and yet fucktard doctors give me this medicine that makes me gain weight. Dumb fucks. God, and he seemed so goddamn certain that I wasn't going to gain weight from it. When I told him I was gaining he said it was because I'd cut back on smoking, and that it certainly wasn't the medicines. Ideally I'd like to stop taking the Xanax XR and the Lexapro, and just go back to taking regular xanax as needed. Hell, the medicines aren't doing much, that's for sure. I am still totally phobic of driving a car, totally phobic of exercise, my heart, showers, smoking, walking, sleeping...and you may have noticed a few new phobias in there - yes, they didn't start until after I started taking these medicines that were supposed to make my anxiety go away. How about a big WHAT THE FUCK???

I feel like my life is falling apart around me. I have no control over anything. I especially have no control of my children who love to take advantage of me, mock me, say nasty things about me when I've pissed them off - which seems quite often lately. Grande will no longer be going to regular school - I've come to the conclusion that it's just not working for him so why put him through the misery. So - we make this decision after he's skipped school for a week, and another week is going by and he's not really made any moves to get started on independent home schooling. Of course, we will have to get that all started for him - and hell, probably do his work for him, too.

And when I say "we" - I mean Venti, because lately I can't even bring myself to make a goddamned phone call when I need to.

Venti is in Chicago right now and although he'll be home soon enough - man, do I really miss him. It doesn't sound like he's having a whole lot of fun there, but at least the scenery is different for him. He's taking a class. I wish I was taking a class.

I'm not doing much of anything lately, to be honest. I get up, change and feed Short Decaf before turning on Blue's Clues or something equally mind-numbing, will the coffee pot to hurry the fuck up, sit down and check my email, drink my coffee (starting drinking it sans sugar), and then I have nothing to do - or nothing that I want to do - until Venti gets home at night. I pretty much walk around life in an effort to make sure that Short Decaf is fed, entertained, and clean. He's such a precious little boy. But, that's my life.

Books help pass the time when I feel like reading them.

The name of the book I just finished reading about 15 minutes ago was The Time Traveler's Wife. It was okay. I wish I wouldn't have bought it because I know I'll never want to read it again. It was a complex story, and I don't think I could write a better one than it - but eh, I just didn't really enjoy the ending. I'm a happy ending sort of person.

So many books. I'd really rather be writing, but I don't have much of an urge to do that lately. My panic/pregnancy book is about 3/4's of the way done, and I could easily finish it if I just opened the damn thing up and started typing - and yet, I don't. And I don't know why. From birth I've NEVER been the type of person to finish a project. I'm really into starting them, though. Before Venti left he dug out his really cool art set for me because I had a notion that I wanted to do some painting or something. It's like five days later, and I have yet to paint anything.

I often wonder if I'm depressed. There must be a test online to determine that - but, to be honest, I don't need one. I'm not depressed - I'm fucking bored. I need some friends. Venti wishes that I had one really good friend other than him who REALLY gets me. I do have that friend, but she's in Pennsylvania working the night shift at some warehouse at the moment. My sister. I miss her. A lot more than I ever imagined being able to miss her.

There's not much of a life for me here in Washington yet. I'm sure I'll make one as the years pass and we grow some roots, but for right now I have nothing here. Because I cannot walk anywhere or drive anywhere I only have one view, and that's of nothing but big evergreen trees surrounding my house. Well - not MY house - but the house we get to stay in for the next few months at a ridiculously low cost. I wonder how much such a limited view takes a toll on a person? I mean, if my view was vast - mountains, water, the town - maybe I'd feel differently, but now I feel like I'm in a green cocoon where I really have to strain to see what the sky looks like during the day. Yes, I do go outside - to smoke. Every now and then I walk around the yard for a little bit, but then I have to quickly go back inside before Short Decaf finds a pair of scissors or a magic marker or something.

He has successfully locked me out of the house once already. I had to kick the door in, and Venti had to patch it with wood putty and nails. He has also attempted to lock me out of the house about a hundred times. So - smoking outside isn't a whole lot of fun. I take my keys with me and stand on the porch with my foot against the door, which is cracked open just a bit, just to ensure I never have to kick in the damn door again.

So, I have been thinking about hypnosis again. I got the number of a doctor here in my town who says that one of his specialties is panic disorder, and he also specializes in hypnotherapy. Man, I'd just LOVE that. I would love, love, love to be hypnotized and have the insurance company have to pay for it. I would also love for it to help with the phobias.

To be honest, I know that just TALKING to someone is going to help. I don't get to talk very often. I'm more like the designated listener in the family. Anyway, the last time I had a hideous driving phobia I was over it within three weeks after just talking to a psychologist. That was really cool, and got me a big chunk of my life back. I hope this guy is taking new patients, and I hope he's kind, gentle, and interested. And most of all, patient.

Well, I've written a lot, and I needed to - so whoever is reading this - thanks for the time. If anyone is wondering??? Yes, indeed, I am okay.

RG = DS? If So Then = PO'd

Here's a toast of the finest, most expensive wine or liquor of your choosing to you - in the biggest glass I could find. May you not fuck up my marriage or life, and may you stay the fuck away from me for a while until I'm not so pissed off at you.

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New Kitten Tomorrow

Or, well - today really since it's after midnight. I'm very excited about getting the new kitten. :) Venti and I picked it out on Saturday with Short Decaf's help. She had her "surgery" yesterday and now I'll have her very soon! I spent ALL my Google AdSense money on her, but she's going to be worth it. I really hope she's as much of a snuggly cat as she seemed to be at the Humane Society.

So Grande Decaf got my dad's computer running again. He died nearly five years ago and nobody has really touched his computer much since then. When I got ahold of it (from my sister's clutches) it didn't work very well, and I had to rescue all the emails. I exported them into a .pst file, but before I could take them off the hard drive it kind of "blew up". Grande actually blew it up by trying to plug a floppy drive into it while it was powered up. He did this about a year ago, and I didn't realize how much intense guilt he has been harboring over the situation ever since. Knowing that his grandfather's last words via email to anyone were on that computer, Grande really felt bad. However, now he's somehow fixed it and I got to read some of my dad's emails. He was so, so, so very supportive of everything I did. Man, I really miss him. As soon as I can get those emails off of that computer I'll post the last one he wrote to me - and the last one he wrote.

He was an awesome guy.

So, I had a lot of racing thoughts today. It was reminiscent of what I felt like the entire time I was pregnant. Absolutely horrible. A 1/2 of a Xanax took the feeling away, but it's just horrible to experience. I have a lot on my mind lately.

I've pissed off sister-in-law Decaf by not responding to an "annual cookie exchange/potluck/Chinese auction for an ornament" email invitation. She sent the "let me know" email a 9 days ago. Yes, I know - I need to grow a pair and just fucking reply to people even when the answer is one I know they won't like. Anyway, she called Venti and asked him about it - and so I had to pony up a response to her. I hope she's not too pissed. I think she is, though.

I just don't DO things like that. I mean, even if I wasn't agoraphobic, anxious, panic attack prone, and overweight (total body image issues here) - I STILL wouldn't be into "annual cookie exchange/potluck/Chinese auction for an ornament" parties. I'm not that kind of girl. Hell, I NEVER ONCE went to my own mother's annual Christmas cookie making get-together. Martha Stewart I am not - and that's one of the things I actually DO like about myself. I know some people would like to change that about me, but it's not going to happen.

Here is the portion of the email invite that regards what goes on at this party. I have highlighted the things in color and bold that DO NOT AT ALL APPEAL to me.

Basically, [party-holder] takes a total of all people attending, lets us know how many cookies to make, and how many bundles. Everyone brings their little bundles, and exchanges them with everyone else. We have a potluck lunch, and then have the Chinese Auction for a Christmas ornament that you bring wrapped. It is always a ton of fun watching everyone "fight" over the coolest ornaments. You go home with about 15 different kinds of baked goodies, and everyone thinks you are the queen of the kitchen. [So-and-so] has come with me in years past, and had a great time. It's all women that party-holder teaches school with, and or has aerobics class with. Let me know if it sounds like fun, and I will forward the information to you when she replies. We could get together one night before the party and make our goodies over here if you would like.

Let me just clear this up a bit by breaking it down:

• Bundles: I really don't like the word bundle. I especially don't like making bundles of things.
• Potluck Lunch: This implies I have to cook and then eat in front of 12 to 15 women I don't know. I don't like chick things like this. There is always that one woman who makes something outrageous and you have to ooh and ahh over what everyone else has brought. I fucking hate that shit.
• Chinese Auction: This is another one of those stupid party games I hate. I'm going to go shopping and get a headache, a panic attack in the mall, and spend $20 on an ornament at the Hallmark Store just so I can get the hell out of the mall. This does not at all sound like fun to me. I don't like party games, and I don't like spending $20 on a "thing" and then going home with my $2 trade. I always get screwed at these things. I honestly do. The last time it happened was at a Christmas party with a bunch of Tupperware saleswomen. I brought THE coolest gifts, and took him total shit.
  
• Wrapped: To women going to a party like this - whatever needs to be wrapped had damn well better be done REALLY cool. Like, you just might want to MAKE the paper yourself, and use something jiggy like ostrich feathers as the last festive finishing touch. The fucking wrapping is a party game in itself. More ooohing and ahhhing. I hate that shit.
  
• ton of fun: I'm thinking it's actually not. Pretty sure, actually.
  
• "fight" over the coolest ornaments: This sounds so totally fucking mind-numbingly stupid that I can't even respond more than what I already have.
  
• everyone thinks: Why do I doubt this??????
  
• queen of the kitchen: More comparing. See how it's not a party? It's a Showcase Showdown. Bob-fucking-Barker should be there. I am DAMN good in the kitchen when I want to be, and when I want to be has nothing to do with 12 to 15 women I've never met before who CARE who is a queen of the kitchen or who has the coolest ornament and ACTUALLY WANTS to fight over it.
  
• aerobics: ugh. Bunch of skinny chicks. No thank you.
  
• goodies: I'm 34-years-old. I don't like to use the word "goodies." Okay, to each his own, and all that - anyone who wants to say it certainly CAN, but I refuse to do it. I don't actually think less of people who talk like this, it's just not "me."

One might be asking themselves why I would go to such great lengths to bitch about this cookie party thing in my blog. I know there's some psychology to it - probably that somewhere deep inside I hate myself for not being more like these women who can get into shit like this. I have tried, and tried, and tried my ENTIRE life to fit in with people who seemed to be "normal" and do "the right things" - and I mean that. I said it earlier...I was at a goddamn Tupperware Sales Person Christmas party! I wasn't a fucking guest! I was selling the shit so that I could FIT IN. I still have a thing about Tupperware (love the stuff) - but selling it and going to all those goddamn meetings as if it was church, and if you didn't go you just didn't "fit in" - or as my mother would put it - "weren't being a team player" - well, fuck 'em. I. Do. Not. Want. To. Fit. In. With. People. Like. This. GET IT?????

I thought I got to put all that bullshit trying-to-fit-in shit behind me when I left my old life, but it always creeps back in, doesn't it? Somehow it always does, and I'm the one left feeling like a cast-out, creep, weirdo, not like everybody else....This totally, totally fucks with my having been okay with that for a while, and sets me WAY THE FUCK BACK.

Now I'm trying to figure out if I'll have enough money left after picking up my kitten tomorrow to buy a couple of boxes of brown hair dye to get rid of the pink streaks ... Why? Because people who ... no, woman - gaggles of women - who go to aerobics, cookie parties, etc., do NOT look at you like you FIT IN when you have hot pink fucking hair, and everyone else in the room has (a) brown flat hair, or (b) medium brown hair with blonde highlights, or (c) all gray hair. (I find those with all gray hair to be most forgiving.)

Anyway, so I'm feeling really bad about this. Obviously.

I need a fucking cigarette. (Still not smoking in the house - and still down to less than 10 cigarettes a day.)

Okay. Change of subject. I'm nervous about driving with J-Mac Decaf tomorrow to pick up the kitten. I like him. He has had panic attacks really bad (I mean REALLY bad), and so I know he knows what it's like - so that's great, but still - being in the passenger seat when anyone other than Venti is driving is really going to be a challenge. I hope that somehow it works out and that I can find a way to forget about that "silly phobia" - and just have a good time. J-Mac Decaf is a good guy - I think he's my only friend here.

So wish me luck with the whole kitten, driving, cookie thing.

Sleepless Nights and Pink Hair

As you can see, it's 6AM on a Saturday morning. I haven't been able to sleep, and I don't know how it got to be 6 already. I wrestled with sleep all night until I finally decided to get up and do something productive - which means I dyed my hair pink. Not all of it - just streaks. Now I'm waiting out the last ten minutes before the rinse. I hope it turns out alright. No going back now. :)

I've been really anxious the past couple of days - but yesterday (and now) especially. I know why, but I can't put it in the blog except to say it's a chick thing.

Honestly, not much has been happening lately or else I would have written something here.

Well, time to rinse. As soon as something interesting happens I'll blog it. Pink hair is the most interesting it gets here at this time.

Out of Books -- Internet's Back Up

Well, I've read four books in the last week. I have to say I'm not really impressed with any of them. In Her Shoes, which will be (or maybe already is) in theaters soon starring Cameron Diaz, Splintered Icon by I can't remember who, The Probable Future, and Northern Lights by Nora Roberts. I had to put the Nora Roberts one down about 3 chapters in because it basically sucked. I'm just not into romance novels. I must have outgrown them when I wasn't paying attention.

It's 11 PM and Short Decaf is refusing to sleep so he's in this empty bedroom, which is serving as a catch-all room/office until our stuff gets here this weekend. I'm sitting on the floor because, although having the laptop on the ironing board is a good height for just checking your email - it's a bitch for anything else. I'm sitting on a really, really nice hardwood floor, though. I love the floors in this house.

One thing I do NOT like about this house is the critters. Namely spiders, slugs, snails, and frogs. So far that's all I've seen, and it better damn-well be ALL I see. I've actually heard something else in the woods, but not seen what it is yet. And these little fucking frogs? I actually caught Tall Decaf running out of the house with one saying he'd found it hopping down the hallway! WTF!!? How the FUCK did it get into my house? They're so little, though. Like maybe an inch long tops. I hate them no matter how cute they are.

So yes - I went through these books, but now we finally have internet and cable (meaning phone as well since we use Vonage) hooked up. I'm no longer off the grid. I have been a bit taken back by how well I did without internet or phone access, and only books to pass the time. I am, however, out of books - but have a nice list of recommended books from Mother-in-Law Decaf. She's cool. I actually do miss her and wonder when the next time I'll see her will be. Venti and her don't seem to be very close, and I hope like hell my kids are closer to me than he is to her when they get older.

So, basically nothing on the radar screen for me in the next few days. Sister-in-Law Decaf is coming over tomorow night with dinner. I wonder how much everyone will drink. I should keep a list. One thing's for sure, I'll never feel guilty about buying a $6.99 novel that only takes a day to read.

I've been thinking about lists alot today. I know that sounds stupid, but I really came up with alot of dumb things to keep a list of. Places I've been, how many times I call my mom or sister, (or vice-versa), books I've read, things like that. My grandpa used to keep a very organized list on a tiny memo pad of every book he ever read with very brief notes written next to the title. *GOOD*, *SLOW IN THE MIDDLE*, *BAD*. Hell, I could do it for movies, too. Of course, I had to come up with ten different ways to keep these lists - mostly excel, but that just didn't seem right. I think it would be cool to write them all down in a little memo pad like my grandpa used to do.

First one I'd write down would have to be Matrix Revolutions *SUCKED AND SHOULD BE REMADE AFTER ORIGINAL DIRECTORS ARE REMOVED FROM GENE POOL."

So anyway, a third-grade teacher from Alabama wrote to me to tell me that she used a picture I'd taken of a chubby toad in one of her Life-Cycle class projects, and wanted to tell me thanks, and that she really liked the picture. That was pretty awesome that someone actually - finally - let me know what they were doing with my pictures that they downloaded off of morguefiles.com. I've had somewhere around 600 downloads and only that one email letting me know how they used the image.

And that's everything of interest for now....

Move-In Day Cometh

Well, it's about 45 minutes from being October 1st, which is the day we move into our own house. I'm so very glad that this week is over. It's just been mindnumbing to be in sister-in-law Decaf's house all week. She's not the problem, as I said before. She's really nice and everything, but maybe it's one of those woman things where you just NEED your own house for your own family. I don't know. I just know I've been utterly stressed beyond words, and so happy to finally know that when I go to sleep tomorrow night it will be in MY house. My rules, my ways of doing things, just mine, mine, mine.

Venti, you know I love you.

Venti has been extremely excited about his new job since his first day. They've given him a bouquet of flowers and great gifts, a wonderful office where he's eye-to-eye with the Space Needle, all the freshly ground Starbuck's coffee he can drink, and the latest and greatest technology and everything else the world has to offer in the most beautiful building in Seattle. I am so very glad that he's so excited about it, but I'm an ogre for feeling jealous and even slightly resentful when he goes on and on about it, but then kind of doesn't want to listen to what I've got to say. I admit that it's not much that I've got to comment on, but still.

I guess this is the time of my life when I have to make my own life with my own friends, likes, dislikes, conversations, just things that Venti isn't a part of anymore. He has so much here that makes him happy already, and I have to find that for myself. I'm officially an executive wife now. I immediately picture some 1950's housewife pulling a roast out of the oven moments before her husband comes home. Yeah. That'll fucking happen. Right.

Venti's sister doesn't quite yet believe that I have a brain in my head. His sister has been a tad pushy on getting things done, especially surrounding the kid's school. I know how these things work, and could do it on my own - but I really did need to wait until the lease came through and we had it in our hands before the school would even talk to us. His sister told him to tell me to start looking for immunization records now because the school will need them. Like I haven't put the boys into schools before? I don't know - it's just the way it's all said. And, of course, because Short Decaf is being a monster lately for some reason - opening doors and just walking outside - she is overly adament about us putting indoor locks or safeguards on all the doors in our new rental house so he doesn't walk out into the street. I mean, come on. Like I wouldn't think of that? I'll explain and say that Short Decaf has never had the opportunity to open doors before, and that opening doors is very new and exciting to him...but this is, again, a very new thing - specifically since we spent the first night in a hotel prior to starting our trip. He's been fascinated ever since. I know this. I have seen this. I am not about to let my little boy walk out of the front, basement, or back door and let him wonder off into traffic. It just annoys me. I think it annoys me even more because Venti is so wrapped up in himself right now, rightfully so I suppose, to notice that any of this shit goes on. He just doesn't see it, but still - it infuriates me.

I know that I'll be able to make a good life here and that we're going to live here for many, many year - and so I'd better make a life for myself, and all of that. I'm going to have to because I am not going to spend my whole life proving to Venti's family that I'm not a fucking moron.

Yes, I have panic attacks and a driving phobia the size of Montana, but I am not a fucking moron. Not even a moron. Not stupid. What I am is stressed out about all the changes in my life and not having anyone to talk to about them. Venti will suggest a counselor or the local find-a-friend service (as if it were that easy), but to be honest I really don't know WHAT it is that I need right now. I suppose out of everything I just need to grow some goddamn roots and get a life.

I need a car. I think it's disempowering to be left at home all day without a car. Venti said I could drive him down to the bus stop / park-n-ride every morning that I wanted the car, and that way I would have the Passat anytime I wanted it - but it's HIS car. I'm sure he's still squeamish about the pendant I hung off of the rear-view mirror.

Well, for all of my bitching/venting - which was nice - I suppose I ought to try and get some sleep now. We rented an SUV for tomorrow morning from the local Enterprise so that we'd have something bigger than a small trunk to stow away all the stuff we have to buy tomorrow for our empty house. We have it all weekend, and I hope that we can find the things we need to make it a comfortable house without breaking the bank....or doing any more damage to my ankle ;) (Oh - did I mention I majorly, majorly twisted my ankle last Saturday? It hurts like a bitch! No broken bones, thank God, but man does it hurt. The doctor said there are two directions, of course, to twist your ankle, and I went ahead and twisted mine the worst way that takes the longest time to heal. Naturally!)

Off to bed, then IKEA...but at least I get to go into Seattle tomorrow. That'll be nice.

Arrived at Destination Five Days Ago

The move isn't 'quite' over. Not yet. We made it to Seattle (despite my hideous driving phobia) late last Friday night. We looked for houses to rent all weekend and came up empty-handed. We finally got one that is temporary - only 9 months - which I think we're moving into this weekend, although our belongings are still on a truck god only knows where, and won't be here until a week from Saturday. I'm having a hard time getting the kids into school here because I don't have a lease or anything that proves that we live here yet.

It's hard living with Venti's sister. She's nice, but her and her boyfriend are both super-neat-freaks and I've been walking on eggshells trying to make sure that nothing - and I do mean NOTHING - shows any evidence that we're here. Of course, Short Decaf has been acting like a 2 1/2 year old bad-ass. I don't know where this came from, but he really is NOT acting like my sweet little baby, which is driving everyone insane.

I feel really frantic. I feel like we haven't really gotten here yet because I don't have anything that is MINE around me. I feel like pulling my hair out at the end of every day, and am terrified of the time between 3 and 7 PM. That's the time frame between when Venti's sister and her boyfriend come home from work and when Venti gets here. He gets here at 7. So I have this whole entire day to make sure that the house is clean, Short Decaf isn't running or wrecking anything, Tall and Grande aren't fucking with anything or being slobs or making a mess or eating the wrong thing or on, and on, and on. I really wish we were in our new house because, damn, I'm just a fucking mess at the end of the day. I wish I was a drinker sometimes.

Everyone around me is. God, what IS it with people drinking? We went to look at the house we're going ot rent and there was a 12-pack of beer in the fridge. The first thing Sister-In-Law Decaf's boyfriend did when he ran into the house was open one and suck it down, then head for another one? Everyone has a couple of drinks - hard ones - every night. I guess I shouldn't bitch - at least they're not as critical when they're drunk.

So, about the trip. It went okay except for two days where I panicked. I panicked pretty bad the first day, and had to pull off of an exit in Ohio and let xanax kick in. I had to have Venti pull into exits like once or twice that day. After that I was okay until the last day - day 8 - of our trip when I had THE WORST panic attack. It was in Missoula, Montana and we were stuck there for 3 fucking hours in a truck stop parking lot while I just kept taking more and more xanax to try and make it go away, but it wouldn't. I called my panic doctor and had him paged, and he told me to take more xanax than I was comfortable with - but I did it, and finally I was able to be back on the road. This, however, got us to our destination at 11 o'clock at night instead of 8, which kind of fucked up some plans a little. Man, it was a bad panic attack, though. It just wouldn't stop. I think I was really scared of getting to this house and then everything stopping the way it did. Travelling and being with Venti and the kids, staying at hotels, having fun, etc., for so long and then suddenly I'm completely alone with the kids in a strangers house.

Anyway, since I've been here I haven't had any panic attacks, and am taking less medicine than I was on any given day in Virginia. Of course, I've been very, very busy all day.

I still can't believe I travelled 3,000 miles. I can't believe I made it. I honestly, at times, didn't think that I would.

In other news, my own sister's husband re-joined the Army and will be active duty in a month. They gave him a $15,000 signing bonus and he's enlisted for 6 years. Since he's already put 7 1/2 years into the military he'll be able to retire from the military when he's 51 years old. I just can't beleive he's been out of the military since just after the first gulf war in the early 90's, and here it is fifteen years later and he's joined up again. He says it makes him happy, and so I guess that's all that matters.

That's all I have time to write at the moment....I'll catch up more as soon as I can.

One Full Day Away

Well, wow. We're getting down to the wire with the move. The landlord will be here tomorrow morning at 10 AM to do God knows what. I hope I'm still asleep, but I know - at that time - I won't be because there's still so goddamn much to do, and only 36 hours to do it...plus, it would be kind of fucked up to be asleep in bed when the landlord is touring the house.

Venti was supposed to stay up late tonight and work on stuff, but succumbed to sleep early despite my not-so-subtle bribery attempts. He says he'll wake up early and get everything done, but we'll see.

I'm not tired, but I know I have to sleep now. I still have no idea what I'm going to pack my clothing in - these, and a thousand other thoughts are what will be running through my head for the next few hours as I try to fall asleep.

A quick note: I didn't have any panic today - even when going out to the grocery store - I actually had fun. Maybe there's a not-so-bad time ahead on this trip. Maybe I can get over my driving phobia and actually enjoy this - what should be - cross-country adventure. That would be really, really nice.

Some Things to Be Excited About

1. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy came out on DVD today. I fully intend to purchase it at some point today.
   
2. We added a day to our drive across the country, and I get to visit Breckenridge, CO now. Breckenridge is where Venti says Picabo Street lives, but I just want to visit the highest-elevation Starbucks.
3. The rooms in my house are starting to echo. We leave in 4 days, 3 if you don't count today.
   
4. My oldest son just taught my youngest son to say "pimp car" - that's not exciting, but funny, and now I have to smack my oldest and re-teach my youngest.
5. Tomorrow is Venti's last day at his job.
6. When we leave I get to throw away our ugly yellow microwave!
7. I think today will be the day I put the purple streaks in my hair.
   

The Move Has Started

Well, as you can see in this picture our storage containers are here. This means we're really getting down to the wire. They drop them off and leave them in your driveway for five days. That means we have to be out of here in less than five days.

I think we're getting closer and closer to being done. There's nothing left to throw away; only things to pack, and then put into these 2 containers. I'm worried the containers won't be big enough, to be honest. I'm going to be pissed if my king-sized mattress doesn't fit, but it should.

My panic attacks are considerable when I'm driving in the car, and so I'm really nervous about the drive, which starts in exactly four days. I'm trying to be strong, brave, stoic - all that shit, but the simple fact is that I have panic attacks in the car, and I'm going to be IN the car for seven days. Yes, I am very scared. I suppose this will be like exposure therapy. I just hope it's not traumatic, and I hope to God xanax does the job of taking the panic - if any - away.

My family isn't talking to me. I suppose this is their way of saying "we care." After leaving a message for my mom on Thursday that we wouldn't be going to her house on Saturday because we had absolutely no time to spare, but anyone was welcome to come here, I expected a call. None came. I've decided not to call them - I've already tried to email my sister - who I know gets my emails - she just never returns them. I'd have thought she'd want to see - at least - Short Decaf before we left. It kind of hurts how little they care - or how they expressing their 'care'. I guess it should make it easier, emotionally, for me to leave.

God, how did I ever end up in Virginia anyway? That wasn't exactly the plan. I really can't wait to get back to Seattle. I do love it there - just, UGH - this damn driving ISSUE!!!

So, only a few more days and we're off-and-up-out.

Managed the Day

I went to the family doctor this morning, and fortunately she was very nice to me. She gave me four refills on the xanax, which should be like - WAY plenty time to find a doctor in Washington. I went in on 4 hours of sleep, and my blood pressure was 124/74. She said that was excellent. I was too tired to care, but actually it is reassuring. I thanked her for all she's done for me these past three years. I actually won't miss her that much, though. She was always patient with me, but very ... I don't know...mini-mom'ish? I know that's a retarded word to use, but I can't think of anything else.

I came home, waited for Short Decaf to get sleepy - and at the first sign of drooping eyelids I grabbed him and we took a nap. I didn't sleep well. I woke up and started panicking - of fucking course.

I panicked until about 8:30 tonight. I don't know why I don't take the dose of xanax that my doctor says I should - I take 1/2 or 1/4 of that and then wonder why the panic attack won't go the hell away. Duh.

Grande Decaf took his broken HP laptop (something with the DVD) back to Costco and got a less expensive computer. He had something like $300 or $400 left over so he bought speakers (Altec Lansing), and then gave Dave the rest of the money. Dave bought a wireless networking system and something for me - a really bitchin set of cordless phones by Uniden I've been wanting since February. Now everyone in our house, except Short Decaf, can have a phone in their room. Grande is very, very excited about his new laptop, which is a Compaq.

Right now Venti is researching renters' rights, and it appears that our landlord is, in fact, insane. She sent us a certified letter (about the house, not her sanity) , which I know her daughter wrote. Like, what? That's going to scare us? She put alot of "subsection 9 Paragraph 3" shit in it - oooooh....scary. Well, as ridiculous as it was, it IS what set off the panic attack.

God, I hate that fucking bitch.

So. Venti only goes to work at AWH FIVE MORE TIMES!!!! Yes, yes, and YES!!! I am so excited for him. He's literally watching the organization start to shake at the foundation as people begin to realize "but....who's going to do this if YOU don't???" HAhahahaha. I'm so, so very glad he's getting to see that. He deserves to have a bit shit-eating grin on his face after putting up with their crap for three years. Underpaid, overworked, and mistreated by his department leader (man-hating bitch who knows nothing about IT.)

That's my rant. Going to spend time with my men...

6 1/2 Hours and 9 Days

It's 2 AM and I have to be at my family doctor's office at 8:30. I've been trying to sleep since 11:30 with absolutely no success. The reason I am going to my family doctor is to see if she will refill my prescription for xanax so that I can make it across the country on our 7-day drive. I haven't seen her in two years, I think it's been. I do know, however, that ever since I had that BIG panic attack on August 12th I've been having a REALLY damn hard time driving in a car anywhere that is too far from home. I have been panicking alot lately. I'm trying to be strong, but it's just not working all too well.

So, my mind is just racing. There's so much to do that most days I do more sitting and planning than actual "stuff" to get ready for this move.

We leave in 9 days. Jesus Christ. Can that be right? I guess it is - we're leaving sometime during the day on the 17th, with our first stop being Columbus, Ohio - I think. We still haven't secured our exact travel plans.

Man, I wish I could sleep. I already know I look like shit - because I feel like shit. I've been really working my ass off these past few days. I hope my doctor is nice because I can't take a single other person being a prick to me. Our landlord, and her daughter, were just such assholes over the weekend that I think I'm still feel the anxiety from that. I actually yelled at her daughter for using threatening words to Grande - who is 14 years old. She said something about calling the police and having them get over to our house. We were not at home at the time, but fortunately, were just down the street. Grande called me on my cell phone and was terrified.

Why would our landlord's daughter be threatening to call the police? I'm not sure. We haven't done anything illegal other than not pay rent yet. It was due on the 5th day of the month, but there she was on our steps waiting to attack us verbally on the 4th day of the month. Bitch. I really let her have it for scaring the shit out of my son. God, I hate people here.

So then our actual landlord calls us on Sunday morning - very early on Sunday morning, and tells us that we cannot leave until we pay for September's rent. She said she would have the police come and make us not be able to leave. Yes - actually barricade us in the house. You might have to understand that she MAY still think she's in Vietnam, or wherever the fuck she's from. Venti told her she'd go to jail for doing that, and that this is America, and blah, blah, blah...but it still upset me really badly. Well, it upset everyone really badly.

Sometimes 9 days seems way, way, way too long.

We've been invited to 2 going-away parties this weekend. We don't have time to go, but they are relatives and friends - so what choice do we have? None. I'm really, really scared about the drive to see my family - which is about 3 1/2 hours from here. We really needed that time to finish packing, cleaning, and painting because uber-bitch landlord will be here on Tuesday night for an inspection.

No wonder I can't sleep. Who WOULD be able to sleep??

My camera broke. It would figure that it would considering that, as I mentioned in an earlier post, have become addicted (let's call it a hobby) to Morguefile.com - I love taking pictures. Anyway, Venti took my camera back to Costco and they didn't even ask any questions - they just traded it in for the same one I had. No questions asked. Weird. Good, but weird. I was really bummed thinking I wouldn't have my camera for the trip. Panicking or not, I plan on taking pictures.

Well, I guess I ought to try and sleep again.

Anxiety Avenue: Tom Terriffic?

Anxiety Avenue: Tom Terriffic?: "The beliefs of Scientology include this interesting tidbit:

'Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted 'thetans' or alien spirits, in earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies. The ultimate belief of Scientology is that you are possessed by the spirits of aliens murdered 75 million years ago by 'Xenu' and you have to exorcise these spirits.'"

Morgue File (not grim)

Check me out on morguefile. Let me know if you like my pictures.