271 Days

• I had to quit my job 271 days ago.
• I have not had a single break from my little boy for 273 days.
• I have not had more than 10 in-person conversations with people outside of my home - all but 2 of those were with doctor-type people - in way more than 271 days.
• I have not been needed to actually do anything in 271 days.
• I have not gotten to get my fucking hair cut professinoally in 780 days.
• I haven't seen my sister in 293 days.

I barely remember these stupid days as they pass. They generally mean nothing. They are just things to look back on and feel remorse about the wasted time, and then I stop thinking about it. I have accepted this shit, but the anger wells up sometimes.

I have no life.

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

Just a funny blog I didn't want to lose.

16 Weeks

I'm not really sure that I've ever done anything for 16 weeks, but I HAVE stuck to my low carb diet for that long. I've also lost 35 pounds, which is juuuuust a tad over 2 pounds a week. I'm definitely thinner, but certainly don't have that "Oh I just have so much energy!" high that I used to have in the beginning. That sucks. Of course, maybe it doesn't considering that I equate energy with anxiety.

The house is finally quiet. It's 2AM so it's about damn time. I'm staying up extra late tonight so that maybe I can sleep for a change. I don't know why, but lately I haven't been able to sleep straight through the night and every little thing wakes me up. I have dark circles under my eyes.

I never got a call about the job at PC so I guess I won't be getting that one. Considering how low-level it was I doubt I'll ever get a job there. That sucks. I was kind of hoping I'd get it just so I'd have something to do - and not have to listen to Short Decaf yelling, kicking, and screaming all day for the next - however many years this phase will last. It's rough.

I did the math on our weekend Sugar Free Decaf Breve Mochas - and considering that we buy the 20 ounce size, and that there are 8 carbs in a 8 ounces of 1/2 & 1/2 - we were consuming 20 carbs JUST on the mocha. No wonder we always gain weight on the weekends. Duh.

Bluh. I feel like crap. Probably BECAUSE of all those extra carbs from over the weekend. Well, they should be out of my system by morning so I'm sure I'll feel better then. That is IF I actually get some decent sleep.

I took a short walk today, which is a big deal for me considering I'm agoraphobic and exercise-phobic. It's actually a very big deal. Like if someone were terrified/phobic of spiders and opened a book with big close-up pictures of spiders in it and didn't immediately slam the book shut. That's about what I did today with the walk. It wasn't much - but it was something. It's something I'm going to try and repeat every day until it gets easier and easier.

Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb

Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb: "
Beer Stats:
12oz bottle
5% alcohol
114 calories
3.7g carbs
1.2g protein
0.0g fat"

How Nerdy I Am

I honestly thought I was slightly nerdy. I under-estimated myself. I have to wonder if they bump up the jam on the points if you mark that you're a woman?

12 Xanax

My nephew stole 12 of my xanax. This may not seem like a big deal - but it means that I will now have issues with getting a refill on time. It also means I'm out of panic attack medicine in 2 days. I am not supposed to be able to fill the prescription until 5 days from now (it's an insurance thing.)

My nephew is an asshole.

I'm So Happy Cuz Today I Found My Friends

Not really the title that fits the post, but it's the song that is stuck in my head.

I'm in a great mood. :) Peace HAS definitely been restored to Decaf Land and things are already going 100% more smoothly. Ts'all good.

I'm wide awake and shouldn't be because I have to get up in six hours to take Venti to the bus so that I have the car for the day. Boo. Grande has a doctor's appointment and I have to go Easter shopping for the kids. At least it all starts early and I should be home by 11.

Venti sent my resume in to HR for 2 positions. It would be very cool if I actually got one of them and could DO the job without panicking for a few weeks until I got settled in. Then the sweet smell of money would overrule my panic and I'll do an amazing job, get promotions, make more money, help us buy a nice home in 4 years on "that" side of the water, send Short Decaf to private school and get my Bachelor's Degree, get even more promotions and money, then sell the house in 15 years from today when Short Decaf is 18 and off to college, and then buy a beautiful house or condo or something with a bitchen view of something. All before I'm 50. Cool.

That's the plan.

Oh - and I get the white GTI I want, too. No question there - well, unless private school for Short Decaf leaves us penniless. The kid is too smart to go to public school, though. Can't waste an incredible mind like his.

Shit...condo might have to wait, too - if he can't get grants and scholarships. Either way - things would be looking up. Quite up.

I wonder how many cats you're allowed to have in a condo. I still want to be the weird old lady with a ton of cats some day. :)

Damn, I really have to get my circadian rhythm flipped around so I'm not in such high spirits in the middle of the night.

Of course, I believe the full moon might have something to do with that, too. It's beautiful. :)

Well, time to go waste this good mood by putting it to bed. Tomorrow is another day - but it's a Friday so that's always a good thing :) I hope I've lost weight, and I hope I'm still in such a great mood in the morning! (Doubt it, though - I'm SO not a morning person.)

How Much Stress Can A Person Take?

I think about this a lot. I actually worry a lot about it, which is ironic - I know. Things are still so bad around here, but thankfully tomorrow night they'll get a helluva lot better because that's when my jackass nephew and his girlfriend (who I pity) are getting on a plane and going back to Pennsylvania. People are already threatening my nephew via AIM that they want to "harm" him (not their words) when he gets there, and so I'm imagining it won't be pleasant being him, and that some day he'll regret fucking up this opportunity to start a new life here in Seattle. Seattle. A city he is so close to but never took the time to visit or even look at. His girlfriend wanted to see it, but he wouldn't "let her." Fucking asshole. My sister raised a total fucking idiot. But...he did turn out just like her so I guess she feels like she was successful. Stupid bitch.

This is also the time when all of the "I told you so's" come around. I've gotten them from my mother and from Venti so far, and I imagine that will be it since I don't really have anyone else in my life to give advice to me.

I honestly wonder if the stress will get better once they are gone. Will I be less stressed? I hope so. I really do because I feel like it's over the top at this point. I just have to get through the trip to the airport tomorrow night and then I can see if life actually will be better without him here. God, I fucking hope so. I can't take much more of it being so lame.

It totally doesn't help that I'm 100% PMS right now either - the time of the month when I am most prone to major panic attacks. Not good.

Just got to get around Tacoma and I'll feel like "I'm there." It's going to be a challenge.

Oh, man. I have an appointment with my PNP this weekend, as well as an appointment for a massage. I need the massage even though I don't technically hurt anywhere physically. It's all on the inside, but my massage therapist is really good so maybe he can help heal my broken spirit. Niles...what a name for a massage therapist...but he really is wonderful.

Hmmm....I have just been informed that my nephew and his GF have started packing. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What else is there for me to be stressed about? Money is a big one. The Mega Millions jackpot is almost 200 million dollars - I'll have to remember to buy tickets for it tomorrow night when I've got some money.

I think I'd be totally stress free if I had money. I can't think of any single problem I have that couldn't be solved with money. Even my panic attacks. I could totally hire someone to help me get over them. Money can truly buy happiness. I know it can. I've seen it.

Gallon of Milk, Loaf of Bread

That's what we go through every single fucking day. Do you know how much a gallon of milk costs here? $3. So it basically costs us $120 a month just to keep milk and bread in our house. That's fucking insane. And what are they using the milk for? Giant bowls of cereal. That shit's not free either.

My nephew is starting to talk rather pissily to me. I asked that everyone not be here on Friday, but he didn't think he needed to listen to that so now that idea's fucked. Lovely. I have no credibility in this house. And it's MY GODDAMN HOUSE!!! I garner absolutely NO respect from any single individual here. I am so fucking sick of it.

I am so ready to send Grande Decaf back to live with Nada Decaf, his dad, it's not even funny. I mean, last night the kid walked to Walmart at FOUR IN THE MORNING!!! Okay, many people might not think this is a big deal, but just about 2 weeks ago I flipped the fuck out on him for walking to Walmart at 12:30am. First of all for leaving the house that late, and secondly for not telling me he was going anywhere. I was really upset, and does he care? Uhm...NO. Who does care anymore? Nobody. Yeah, nobody.

Total and utter disrespect, and I'm so damn sick of it.

I know that you are supposed to love your children and put up with whatever they throw your way, but COME ON!!! Why do I have to deal with everything and his dad doesn't have to deal with any of it - or even pay child support for him? Why does Grande get to live here, not go to school but ONE HOUR a week, not work, not help buy any food, having an entire floor of the house to himself (after my nephew leaves) - AND STILL GETS TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT??? It's NOT fair. It's just not.

My nephew and Grande are both being total dickheads to Tall Decaf, too. Tall Decaf is "the good child." He never causes any trouble. He never talks disrespectfully to us. He helps out. He's nice. He's polite. He's a pleasure to have around. So - this nice person gets totally shit on by those two jackasses??? How is THAT fair? It's just not.

I am so sick of hiding in my room from all of this. Sure, go ahead and say I should just put my foot down - but when I have tried that in the past I've just been overpowered and made out to look like a fool, so fuck that. I'm tired of looking like a fool.

I'm tired of being broke because of all of them, too. Food costs SO much money - and even though my nephew buys a lot of junk food at Wal-Mart he is still using the basics. And taking 1/2 hour showers. And smoking my cigarettes and stealing my medicine, and on and on and on.

And at this point I think everyone in my family knows that this blog exists, and I assume that they read it - and if that's the case then here's a few more tidbits...

To my sister...Pay the fuck up.
To my ex...pay up your child support and get your son some fucking braces
To my son...get a job and stop treating everyone in the house like shit. This is my house - not yours.
To my nephew...work at it harder.

To everyone else...fuck off. Again - this is my house. NOT YOURS. Let me do shit my way for a change, okay??

And an addendum to the kids...you guys have been freeloading off of us so get off of your high-horse and be a little fuckin nicer to us, stop using everything up, and if you do - REPLACE IT. Clean up after yourselves. Don't talk so ugly to me and Venti and Tall and Short. Oh - does it seem like I'm focusing on two kids? Uhm - yeah, I am.

God I need a vacation. Big time.

One Week To Go

This picture is of me and Venti on Sunday afternoon at the beach. It was an awesome time. I had so much fun - I even touched a starfish and an anenome (sp?) - which was GROSS!!!!

Well, the diet's still on except that I'm back to where I was weight-wise 2 1/2 weeks ago. We had a big cheat weekend but are back to basics and losing the gained weight pretty quickly.

My nephew and his GF are still living with us and we've only got to put up with that for another week. Well, less than a full week now - at this time next week they should be flying over Montana or something. Yay! I guess Venti and I will be driving them over to the airport. It's a small price to pay, though.

Does everyone in the world know about freecycle.org? They should. I have gotten so much great stuff off of there. I'm going to pick up a pair of worn once or twice Columbia sandals for Short Decaf which I think he'll be able to wear all summer. That's a $40 pair of shoes for free :) Go me. :)

My sister isn't talking to me because she owes me money. Today was her birthday, and I feel bad about that. I feel worse that she lied to me over and over about the fact that she was going to send me money to help out with her kid living here. Right now I think she's a fucking wanker.

I'm so sad that The West Wing is coming to an end. There are only six episodes left, and that's it. Doesn't that just suck? I know a bunch of spoilers and I'm generally happy with them, although I wasn't exactly thrilled with the Josh and Donna relationship (sex without professing undying love) in last Sunday's show. Hell, I was glad they finally had sex - but come on...after eight years there's got to be more than just "Hmm...let's blow off some steam." (Bad choice of words.) These characters are supposed to genuinely LOVE each other. Well, that's my take on it anyway. I hope it gets cleared up in the remaining episodes.

What the hell will I watch after that show is over? The Apprentice, and that's about it. Bummmmmmerrrrrrr.

God, I can't wait to reclaim my house from all of these kids. I simply can. not. wait.

What's The Sound?

What's the sound of 3 teenagers laughing their asses off? Truthfully, it's the sound of 4 other people in the house going insane. Or, okay, maybe just 2 of those other people - the adults. Certainly, at least 1 of the adults, and that would be me.

I can hear their laughter - not seeping - but slamming up through the floor boards and it's like nails on a chalkboard. I want to just go down there and smack all three of them and tell them that SHIT IS JUST NOT FUNNY RIGHT NOW!!! Go get jobs. Stop smoking in my house. Stop stealing my cigarettes, which I'm now almost out of. Stop stealing shit from Walmart. PLEASE STOP LAUGHING.

I had to dig through my entire house tonight for change. We took it to one of those coinstar machines and got $13.42 from it. We spent $2 on a gallon of milk and put $10 in gas in the car, and now we have 42 cents. (Dave bought a lottery ticket.) This .42 will have to fucking last us until Wednesday night when we can write a check at the grocery store and ask for cash back.

All fucking day the kids have been going up to Walmart and buying junk food, and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch...so I had a roast in the crockpot and suddenly all of them want to eat it. Now there's none left for lunch for Dave and me tomorrow. NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT!!!

I feel too stressed to keep dieting. I've lost 30 pounds - can't I be done now? I gained almost 5 pounds over the weekend and didn't even cheat...hell, I could have had a massive cheat day and gained 5 pounds the fun way. Of course, we had no money so it would have been a lousy cheat day anyway. But 5 fucking pounds? Really God? Did I need that?

And then someone from StumbleUpon called me ugly. "So. You're ugly. Wow." is what they said about my picture. No - that didn't hurt like hell... no, no ... why WOULD IT?? Why would someone just say something like that? I don't have my picture on StumbleUpon as a fucking way to meet fuck-buddies or even friends - just an avatar to say "Hey, this is who is ranking these pages." Asshole! Did I need this today? NO!

My nephew is never going to get out of here. I just know it. I could cry. I've TRIED to cry, but the fucking tears won't come anymore.

I can't believe he smoked at least 1/3rd of my pack of cigarettes. Who does that? Who just goes into someones things and takes whatever they want? My cigarettes, my xanax, my cellphone...doesn't matter...nothing I have belongs to me anymore.

Saw a mouse outside tonight. Fuck. I hate mice. It's Spring now so I suppose snakes are next. I was intrigued to learn that Ireland has no snakes, and so right about now Ireland is sounding really fucking good. Far away, cool, no snakes, no lying/stealing/cheating drug dealers in my FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!

I think it's time to email my sister and flip the fuck out. She wonders why I don't write very often since her son got here...can you imagine what I REALLY want to say to her? The worst part is that she knew about all of the bad things he's into, and yet she sent him here anyway. How low can she get? I suppose sleeping with my ex-husband wasn't low enough. Ugh.

Speaking of my ex-husband, he's got a picture on his myspace.com blog which was taken about ten days ago. Its caption is " Ahhhh!!! Key West....." and shows him leaning back on the back railing of a boat. This is where we went on our honeymoon, except he never took me out in a boat. All the way to Florida - 24 hour drive - never even got in the water. Then his mom sneaks my little boy to the doctor and calls us and tells us that he need surgery IMMEDIATELY on his eyes - so we leave our honeymoon early and drive back home (24 hours straight) - and it turns out he didn't need surgery right away...he had it several months later.

I fucking hate my life.

First Day of Spring

I think it is, anyway. It sucks that I didn't really get to see any snow this year. I'm just really not a fan of living somewhere where it never snows. It just sucks.

Nada Decaf is still living in my basement with his girlfriend, and they aren't doing anything to try and get jobs or a place to live. I'm at a loss. I feel like I have nothing left in me to try and deal with this shit. Nobody listens to a word I say. I try to help and I get ignored and I HATE that feeling because it's so reminiscent of when I was married to Fucktard-Decaf. I hate being ignored and pushed to the side.

My diet isn't going well. I haven't cheated and I've gained weight. I feel huge. Venti keeps losing and losing and I just can't do anything right to lose weight. I just don't get why I gained for no reason. I think I'll give this diet a few more weeks (at best) and if I'm still not losing I'm just gonna go off of it and give up, and just be fat for the rest of my life. Soon it will be 3 months on Atkins and I really had hoped things would go better.

It sure would be nice to hit the lottery tonight. I think it's up to 78 million. I could get away from here far and fast with that kind of money.

Mid March Post

Nothing much of interest to post. I'll give it a whirl, though.

Nada Decaf (the nephew) is still here. He's smoking in the house - driving me nuts. He's sucking down Short Decaf's chocolate syrup for his chocolate milk like it's going out of style. I just bought a bottle of it yesterday (with 2 free extra ounces) and it's half gone already. Nice, huh? Shithead. He's eating our low-carb food, too. I don't know how he doesn't get a fucking clue that the bacon is off-limits.

Yes, Venti and I are still on the Atkins diet. Together we've lost 65 pounds. I've been stalled for a few days, but not unhappy with where I am. I know I'll start losing again soon. I just hate being stalled - especially when Venti is hitting new lows on the scale.

We're doing so well. At this point I bet in another 2 1/2 months (as long as we've been low-carbing) we'll both look and feel absolutely fantastic. I know we won't lose double what we have now, but I know we'll both feel really good. It's got to be at least 20 pounds more that we'll lose in that time - and man, I'm going to feel SO good about that.

I'm just waiting for an episode of Little Bear to be over so me and Short Decaf can go to bed. Another five minutes. I am so tireddddd.

I might be getting a part time job for a friend's web design company. We shall see how that works out. I wonder how much I'd get paid.

My anxiety has been pretty good lately. I've been getting better at driving around - and even a little driving. No panic attacks in a long time (knock on wood) thankfully.

I'm pissed at my sister. She said she'd be sending money for Nada Decaf to live here - but then decided to just send him here with a credit card with a $300 limit (it's in his name.) Well, of course he maxed that card and we only got $80 worth of groceries on it. Then on Sunday she sent $100 - $20 of which went to Nada (who spent it right away - partly on cigarettes, soda and chips.) Ass. I don't know when she's going to send more money. She's really badly in debt (as if we aren't) but she just got foreclosure papers in the mail and is like 4 months behind on her mortgage. Fortunately her payment isn't very high. She'll figure it out - but she shouldn't have said she'd send money if she wasn't going to be able to. I mean - it's not like it just slipped her mind that her mortgage needed to be paid. Now she's avoiding me at all costs. Nice. No calls, emails, or chats. 2 weeks ago we were chatting every day and even using the webcam. Not anymore. I'm sure she'll actually find a way to be pissed at me for all of this. Her son is a failure, a drug dealer, a loser, lazy, shoplifting, uneducated guy who refuses to look for a job or help around the house - although he has NO problem eating everything in sight and assuming that everyone is his servant. He gets so pissed about people disrespecting him - and he's totally fucking disrespecting US.

I hope he gets an apartment this weekend. I have to believe he won't, though. His girlfriend is flying in on Friday morning - supposedly with money, which I will believe it when I see it. They can NOT live here off of us - we just can't afford it financially or emotionally.

Well, enough bitching. Little Bear is over and Short Decaf is asleep on the floor so it's time for bed. Have to be up in 4 hours.

Blogthings - Who Were You In a Past Life?

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Genius Undertaker. Where You Lived: Ontario. How You Died: Hung for treason.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

Thugs and Gangstas -- Oh My

My nephew lives with us now. I forget what his decaf name is...but anyway, I'll call him Gangsta Decaf because he's such a badass. I wholly regret allowing to have him move in here, and he's only been here for 72 hours. So far he's already admitted to dealing drugs, and he's stolen a video game from Walmart. What should I do about that? Call the police? God - stealing??? He had Tall Decaf with him, for God's sake!!! What does that teach him? Nothing good - but at least Tall was good enough to tell me about it. Shit. Now I don't know what to do. It's worse than I thought it could ever be, and I want him out of my house.

Meanwhile, Grande is not speaking to me - hasn't since Gangsta got here. I do not know why. I tell you - I'm going to talk to Grande tomorrow and tell him that he's got to get a job so that when he turns 18 at the end of the year he'll be prepared to move out. I don't know how he's doing in school (and he only goes once a week to a special program) - I don't know what his plans are other than NOT helping me around the house at-fucking-all. I mean, if he's not going to do schoolwork, and he's just going to sit around the house all fucking day, then why the fuck can't he help me out with it??

He's moved his bedroom into the basement where Gangsta also moved his bedroom. This is after I expended the effort to make sure he had a bedroom upstairs. We got him a queen sized bed, a dresser, sheets, pillowcases, blankets, a lamp, pillows, an alarm clock, a trash can, and a laundry hamper. We got all of these things during our very limited amount of free time, and set it all up so it would be perfect for him. He gets here and moves everything to the fucking basement??? What the fuck?

And THEN - we rented a big SUV to go and pick him up at the airport. We rented it from Saturday morning until Monday morning. Two days. $136.70. We did definitely need it for the trip to the airport to get him, and then we were going to take him over to the city the following day to show him around so he could get to know his new home, right? Well, Sunday morning he didn't want to go anywhere so we wasted that fucking money - AND IT PUT MY FUCKING CARD over the fucking limit!! So - now both cards have a $29 over-the-limit fee. Nice. Nice. Nice. I only went over by $8 - and THAT was because we had to put gas in the giant fucking SUV, so now I...well, it doesn't matter. I'm just getting screwed left and right.

The phone keeps fucking ringing. It just rang now and Venti is in bed trying to sleep. I hope that the bedroom phone's ringer is off. And what the fuck are people 3,000 miles away and 3 hours ahead of us doing calling when it's 2:30 am their time??? I mean, get a clue!!!

Impose much???

I need to keep a running list of why this is not working so that when I kick him out nobody is shocked and goes "but why???" Right now I'm so pissed and stressed I could puke.

UUUuuuugh.

And I was supposed to get a call from a recruiter from Venti's company ... nothing "for sure" - but just putting feelers out there for a job. The woman never called, and if she's been trying she'd be getting a busy signal or Gangsta probably told her I was in bed in the middle of the day. Nice again. I need a job. We need money.

I did just do a website for a friend, but that's only $110. Gee - that might pay my fucking credit cards. Well, it will pay my cell phone and that's it. My cell phone which Gangsta has taken over as his own - and I have to pry it from his hands just to get it at night so I can use it as my alarm clock.

I'm so fucking stupid. I really thought he'd be coming out here to try and make a new and different life. It's not going as planned. He's smoking in my house - I just fucking know it - when I have done everything in my goddamned power to be strong enough to NOT smoke in my house for six fucking months or so.

When will I ever learn? When will I STOP being so naive? When will I STOP letting people like Grande, Gangsta, and my ex walk all over me?? And you just KNOW that if I start saying something that everyone will be like "oh, she just gets like this - she'll shut up soon enough....ignore her and she'll go away."

I'm pissed.