InformIT: Security Reference Guide > Evangelizing IT Security: Why is There a Need?

I knew that my ADHD would pay off.

InformIT: Security Reference Guide > Evangelizing IT Security: Why is There a Need?: "t is no secret that many people in the security community have a touch of ADHD (Attention –deficit hyperactivity disorder). While the condition might not be diagnosed for the majority, the skills and talents required by a security professional make having the ability to refocus quickly desirable."

I'm a Gap Junkie

I can't stop buying clothing for my son from Gap. I think ... no, I know it stems from having grown up, all through school, as one of THE worst dressed kids at my school, and not by my own choice, that's for damn sure. It was embarrassing to wear old ugly patched clothing that my sister had worn the year before, or even the year before that.

I know that's not good. I know recycling is good. But, is recycling clothing that's made really terribly good? Why not spend the extra money, and buy it a liiiitle on the big side, and then my son can wear it a long time. Next year I'll sell it on eBay - so there, I'm recycling in my own way. Right?

Anyway, I didn't work on school admission at all today, and I didn't apply for that job I really want either. The closing date on it is the 29th of September, so I'm postponing. I'm thinking about it a lot, though. I don't want to rush into it unprepared and write a lame-ass resume and cover letter. I've worked for people like this before and they read through bullshit insanely quickly. No shortcuts allowed in this situation.

K. One more cigarette and then I'm going to bed. I shouldn't have had coffee tonight - I guess I'd be sleepier. It's going to be impossible to get AJ up and out of the house at 6 AM - it's 10:20 now and he's watching Speed Racer (which wasn't my idea.)

My husband is too stressed, and too busy, and has too many things to do to help me think about how to do a project for the Obama campaign, so I guess I'm on my own there, too. Just like with school, work, emotions, ... everything. Feeling a lot like I'm a bother lately, and very much on my own with most things.

No - I don't clean the house, don't cook dinner - I'm hella tired, emotionally and physically, and there's other stuff...but I don't think I should have to go solo on everything. He's even said that he can't be my support person at this point because he's got nothing left to give. (Referring to my anxiety disorder.) He does do his best, but his best is at the point where he doesn't have anything left to give anyone except Perkins Coie.

Life is sucking hard lately.

At least I'm talking to my sister again. I've missed her.

And the bitch/rant session ends.

Go Obama. Please, if people are so stupid to support McCain then they might believe this - "McCain WANTS you to vote for Obama. He really does. He even asked God about it."

Nothing to Say

Enrolling in school. The paperwork sucks. Maybe completing all of that is part of a secret exam of being accepted.

I'm so fucking bored.

There's nothing new on the political front.

I can't find anything on the web to interest me, and I don't even want to play Warcraft.

Oh, but I did find a job to apply for that's only 1.5 miles --- 5 whole minutes from my house.

We'll see how that goes.

Memorial Day 08

Thasssright. I went and found snow. No picnics, bbq's, blah blah - figured that the irony of eating a pancake dinner while looking up at the remnants of winter on the ski slopes would be so much more memorable. The kids had fun - and at least we did something different.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Barack Obama can not lose the primary. I mean - arithmetically - he can NOT lose it. Why does Hillary continue to keep this shit up? And why the fuck do people vote for her fake-ass? I just want to scream at them - "ARE YOU THAT STUPID??? SHE'S LYING TO GET YOUR VOTE YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!!" Honestly, I really can't fucking stand this political shit anymore because it reminds me of how many idiots there are in the world. That McCain supporters even exist - the upper-middle-class and under people - boggles my fucking mind. Morons.

I need to go away tomorrow, but I will be home alone the entire day. Venti has to take the two teens to finish moving out of that house. I can't go because I'm lazy and useless, and nobody wants AJ around so I have to watch him.

If I wasn't afraid - I could get on the ferry with him, go to the office, get the four tickets to the Seattle Art Museum, and take him there. But I am. I'm afraid of so much -and that would be the biggest thing I've done by myself since I was 16 years old.

I have to get off of my brand new laptop now. That I paid for. Mine. It's even pink. Because Tall got a computer game that doesn't work on his computer.

I'm not happy.

Stay Away From Seattle

I dropped a spent cigarette out my window onto the ferry terminal parking lot. I was so exhausted, and so sick to my stomach - and so I closed my eye and leaned against the window with my elbow. A cop SLAMS his fist against my window - nearly causing me a heart attack, and so I roll down my window. He says "Pick up that cigarette. It's lit." I said "uhmm....okay...." (terrified!!!)...and as I open the door he fucking says "OR I CAN GIVE YOU A $950 FINE!!! KEEP YOUR CIGARETTES OFF OUR PARKING LOT." (Dave made no comment. My comment - after I was done being in shock after like 3 minutes - was - "That JUST may have been the straw that broke the camel's back." - meaning, I'm ready to quit my job, I'm sick of the city, even the cops are major assholes to joe-middle-class person.)

So I was a mental case all the way home. This - after a really rough day at work.

I can't stop thinking about it, though. He waited and knew I was going to drop that cigarette, and then he ran back up the aisle with the explosives/drug sniffing dog to bitch me out. NOTE: He did NOT finish examining all of the cars. Nice, huh? Point 2; a couple of months ago my son picked up a USED syringe that still had remnants of heroin in it. Probably 25 feet from where we were parked tonight. I don't know...I just think he could have been doing something a little more productive, like looking for terrorists or druggies. Just a thought.

And my job really does still suck. I know that this is life, but they keep changing the rules...they keep changing my job duties. I STILL haven't learned a goddamn thing about being a legal secretary. I sit and do invoices and get bitched at - or about - for 7.5 hours a day for shitty pay. Top 100 places to work - BULLLLLSHITTTTT. Nobody asked my opinion on that one.

I want to stay at home again. I'm starting to hate the fucking world. EVERYONE is two-faced, everyone is out to get ahead, and nobody hesitates to heave blame my way when something is fucked up.

Add to that my twisted feet (from when I fell down the steps and landed on my feet (which bent forward), and then my left wrist, then my knees, and finally my ass) - still hurts like a bitch. I went to the doctor again over the weekend (which sucked, too), and he x-rayed it. Nothing broken...but I got an ankle brace and a note saying I need to wear tennis shoes to accommodate the brace. Woot. (Sarcasm.) I'm glad it's not broken, but I wish he would have given me something for the fucking intense pain I have at the end of the day. I swear it feels like my ankle is just going to disintegrate. :(

So, anyway...to add to this glory...I'm sick - as everyone else on my floor seems to be, and I'm so fucking worn out it's not even funny. The stress is SO bad that for the first time in my life I missed "it" - entirely. That's fucked up. The depression or anxiety or whatever it is of working there, and working so far from home, and being so broke after all of that effort - is giving me massive STUFF MY FACE cravings. I must have put on 40 pounds. Oh - and this is cute, my ex-husband will be here in a week to see our son sing. Won't I just look like shit compared to hi s 24 year old wife - who is currently in Iraq - and skinny, and happy. Ugh. I could puke. (literally.)

Okay, so nothing is good, nothing is right, and I miss so much about my old life. I could cry. (And do.)

Oh - hey, if anyone reads this...I need a female mentor...one is who smart, thin, and willing to get me that way. I'll do whatever you say except for drugs. I need more to my life than shit. Please. I'm begging you.

respect

respect: "I fail to see how getting a cup of coffee for our boss or a client in any way diminishes us as persons. In my opinion the person who deserves no respect is the one who thinks he/she is too good for such menial tasks."

I totally disagree with this statement. It's a new age, and lawyers "of a certain age" (as well as their legal secretaries) are on the way out...I will not get a cup of coffee for any attorney. Fuck that. I'll support them in any other way possible, but get a cup of coffee for them? Uhm...I don't think so.

The legal secretary who wrote that I deserve no respect for thinking I'm too good for such a menial task as getting a cup of coffee is a dinosaur. This is why nobody wants to grow up to be a legal secretary anymore...that's what their perception of the position is. I want to be a legal secretary - and I want respect, which I am earning, but if someone wants a cup of coffee they can get it their damn self.

My Job Hurts People

I work at a law firm, so that's not particularly surprising - but I believe fully, 100% without a doubt, that the level of stress, hatred, and ruthlessness causes people to become physically and emotionally ill. We have two legal secretaries who are out on extended sick leave - one with mono, which you generally catch only when you're run down. Everyone there is run down to nothing, though. I'm surprised we all didn't catch it. Another legal secretary caught it (making that three out) but got a milder case of it, and was back to work within a few days.

People cry daily in our department. People have panic attacks daily in our department. The words "fucking bitch" are spoken daily, as well. Many times, in fact. And don't take this as a limitation to just me and my co-worker in the next desk - oh, no...it's the entire floor that consists of the Trademark Department. The stress if phenomenal - because the people make it that way. Not the work - which isn't difficult, but the people. And definitely a select few people.

My HR person couldn't even help me so she set me up with someone deeper into helping with situations like this...Tracy. Tracy suggested that I buy a book called The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized WOrkplace and Surviving One That Isn't

That's how bad it is. Anyway, I ordered the book immediately. I should get it next week. I hope to God it helps because I,personally, have been doing nothing but panicking and crying for the past two weeks. I even got drunk off my ass last night - doing shots of cheap vodka like I was in college or something, and felt great for the first time in weeks. (Then, of course, I woke up feeling like someone had wrapped barbed wire around my head and was pulling it tighter and tighter - AND having a major panic attack. I guess I'd asked for that, though.)

On a lighter - non related note - I got two kittens who are just absolutely adorable to the point where it's almost sickening to look at them. I just love them both so much already :) They make me happy in a world designed to make people feel like complete and utter shit.

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Did I Say My New Job Was Cool? I'm A Dweeb.

Okay, so is there always ONE psychotic bitch in every department of every business in every locale of the planet??? She's out to get everyone, and today it was my turn. The fucking bitch made me cry - she was SO callous, so condescending! I was so shocked that someone would have the nerve to talk to a coworker like that. It was so unprofessional, and ... it really hurt my feelings. So, I immediately went out to smoke a cigarette and fortunately the girl (20 years old, and very nice) followed me and gave me a pep talk. I still don't know what to do, but it was nice to hear from her that I was doing a great job, and that this evil bitch really does hate everyone. I was also warned that she will try to sabotage me - FOR REAL!! What the FUCK is that shit? What is this? Junior High???

Ugh.

So, anyway, on a lighter note I went to a dance club/bar/casino on Saturday night and had a total fucking blast. I even had 1/2 of a drink and got totally fucked up on it. I didn't dance, and I didn't win any money, but I did - I had so much fun it was ridiculous. I want to go every weekend forever!!!

My sister will be here in less than a month, but I don't know if I can take any days off of work considering that the first 90 days is SO important. I've not heard of anyone who's had a good 90 day review because of bitch-lady aforementioned. Wench. I really, really wanted to take the day before and of my birthday off so I could see my sister as much as humanly possible, but now I don't know what's going to happen. Well, no matter what I'll at least finally - after 2 1/2 years - get to see her.

I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with my psychiatrist about the xanax issue. I no longer want to stop taking it - my goal has changed. Now I just want to make it through the day without freaking out. I ran out of xanax early and had to call Dr. Asshole/Psychiatrist, and he was a snot to me on the phone saying that I should never ever take xanax unless it's my regular dose time. Uhmmm...nooooo. God he was a prick. He gave me 12 tablets to get through until I see him on Friday...asshole. I'll be finding a new psychiatrist immediately, of course. THe problem is that I have to face him and talk to him and acquiesce just so he'll refill the goddamn prescription. AAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh.

I am so fucking frustrated with EVERYTHING.

AND I got a big-ass cut on my hand today, smacked my elbow HARD, and wore uncomfortable shoes. :(

Tomorrow's gotta be better. GOT TO BE.

Last Day on the Job - Start Anew Monday

Being in my new office is really cool, except that I don't know what I actually need in it yet. It's still got stuff from the last resident in it - and stuff from other people, so really - I have no clue what's mine to deal with or move. And the jerks took my printer, so I won't get one until Monday'ish. Ugh.

I spent all of the last three days training new guy how to do my job, and he still doesn't know. It's frustrating. He seriously did not take ONE single note. Nothing. I know he's not going to work out for decaf-boss...ooh, I mean decaf-ex-boss!

I'll spend most of next week in training meetings, which is cool. Not much thinking, and not much work, but full pay. (Major thumbs up.)

Going fishing this weekend and hoping to catch some salmon.

Boring blog post. I know.

September And Time To Update

Okay, so I have no real clue when I last updated my blog.

My cat, pictured in the post below, was hit by a car last month -that sucks. I really loved her a lot. She was a wonderful cat.

Okay, so work...I've been at my job for almost 14 months now. My boss was getting really pissy with me one day and so I applied for a department assistant position in the Trademark Department - and got it! I really impressed everyone that I talked to, and they kept my pay the same - but I get 15 PTO days, and 9 or 10 holidays paid a year. How awesome. Oh, and free benefits, which is excellent! :) In effect, it's like a $520/mo raise. I start on September 10th. No more freelancer for me - I'm a full-fledged employee! WOOT!!!

I'm going to miss Pam and Candace, but I'm sure I'll still talk to them every day. I don't know what Pam's going to do - but I think she's ready to start looking for a full time position at this point, too. (She's on jury duty this week, though, so that sucks for her...see, she won't get paid for that because she's a freelancer. So not fair.)

Diet-wise...yeah, not going great. I was doing great for a whole month and then we had our company picnic, so I cheated all that day - which led to my going off the diet. I wasn't losing weight anyway, which really pissed me off. All that work and like, nothing!?! I'm still walking A LOT, though, so at least I'm keeping steady'ish at the weight I am now...it doesn't help that Lexapro is adding a pound or so a month. I hate that. I want off of it. Grrrr.

Grande lives with me again...he has since four months after he left, so that's - what - April? Yeah, I guess he's been back for five months or so. He had a job cleaning ultrasound equipment, but quit that last week because the guy cut his pay two dollars an hour and it was only 12 hours a week. Hopefully he'll find something soon. He also bought a car. (Now he just needs a license and a job, so he can pay for the insurance and gas.) He's doing okay. Well, other than him passing out all the time. He says it happens once or twice a week. We took him to the doctor on Thursday. He seemed in perfect shape...his blood pressure was low'ish, but not too low (but he was nervous so it may have been artificially elevated.) His EKG was perfect, too. The doctor ordered a heart monitor called King of Hearts that he'll wear for three weeks - he's supposed to press a button when he passes out. I just don't know how I'll get him to wear it. And - no, this passing out has NEVER happened in my presence OR Tall's presence. I am really concerned about it. :(

I hate when my babies aren't feeling 100%. :(

Hmmm...ex-husband got married to a 24-year-old lesbian. She's in Iraq at the moment. The kids really like her, though - she seems nice enough from what I've heard. It's really sad to marry a guy when you're a lesbian, though - I mean, talk about living a lie...how do you ever get out of that??? Sad. Of course, I've wondered about Rich's sexual orientation for almost 20 years so who the hell knows.

Venti and I are doing well, though...neither of us are gay LOL - so there's that! :) We had a wonderful 5th Wedding Anniversary. We stayed at a hotel and casino, and just basically did what you'd expect, and had a great time doing it. I do love that man. Mmmm...

Let's see, what else...I'm working my way off of my meds for my panic attacks. I'm 1/2 way there almost. It's been VERY difficult. I'm still not driving, but trying - also very difficult. I'm still seeing the same psychologist, but not doing my homework, so it's my fault that I'm not further along - certainly not his.

My sister and her husband are coming to visit me in October - that will be incredibly awesome. :) I can't wait - only six weeks away, and she's already bought the tickets! I wish my mom would have agreed to come with, though. I really miss her, too!

Shit, I'm supposed to be in bed. I hate the commute still. Ugh. I'm still really torn about whether or not to move to the Seattle side. We've recently become "into" fishing for salmon - and it's so convenient to just drive for 1/2 hour and be at a nice beach ... in three weekends we haven't actually caught anything, but I know our luck will change :)

We went to a Labor Day picnic last night with Venti's friend (and mine) J-Decaf. We had a really good time, but left after 2 hours. I'd love to live in a neighborhood where there were block parties...it must be so nice to have neighbors who aren't total assholes. Or ... well, just neighbors.

Okay, off to bed for me. I dyed my hair "cherry bomb" (brownish pinkish reddish) and then put lighter streaks in it. It looks really cool, I think, but I always get nervous about going to work the day after I do something dramatic with my hair.

I Got A Tattoo!

I can't believe it - I'm so thrilled! It didn't even hurt :) It's right over my heart, and it's the Chinese symbol for love, and surrounding it is Venti's, Grande's, Tall's, and Short's astrological symbols. It's black with a purple drop-shadow on the smaller symbols. I LOVE IT!!! I'll post a picture as soon as it's healed!

My Beautiful GIrl. Margo.

 

Gender Genie - Way too cool.

Gender Genie This thing is so cool. If you paste some text into it (more than 500 words preferred) it will tell you whether a male or female wrote it. So far it's been correct about everything I've entered except when I was using my 'business voice' in emails.

Very cool.

Can't Sleep. Must Work.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. I can't NOT go to work in the morning - but I'm supposed to get up in four hours. I left work 90 minutes early today, and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so staying home does not work. I just can't figure out what I'm going to do, though. I'm fried.

Been thinking about how much money I earn. My paychecks are like, usually right around $850. $1700 a month.

Daycare costs around $1000 of that. (Down to $700 net.)
My ferry pass costs right around $100. (Down to $600 net, although I do get a partial refund.
Morning coffee costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $560 net.)
Breakfast costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $520 net.)
Lunch costs $5 - that's $100 a month. (Down to $420 net.)

There are other little expenses that go along with me working. Somehow it doesn't seem worth it. We're broke beyond words, and it's just getting worse. I somehow think that I'm going to have to explore other job options - which sucks, because my panic doctors are both in Seattle, and having to go over there twice or three times a month is seriously going to cost. (not to mention that I have to pay for their services. The CBT doctor is $280 a month - I get a partial refund, though.) So basically I'm not actually making any money. I miss my kids. I am exhausted from traveling so damn much - seriously 20 hours a week, no joke. 4 fucking hours a day. Who does that for so little payoff?

It also costs us money for gas and parking because if it were just Venti going over to Seattle he'd park at a park-n-ride and take the bus for free. We drive 35 miles round-trip every day, plus pay something like $80 a month for parking. Our car is falling apart.

These are actually conservative numbers. I have had lower paychecks. Breakfast and/or lunch has cost more money. In some cases much more money. Some days I spend $2.50 to get the little guy a snack for the ferry ride home because his daycare sucks and a later afternoon snack consists of 6 saltine crackers and a cup of water, several hours after he's eaten lunch.

Yeah, so doing this math - after 9 months at my job - I really just don't think it's working out. I have to find a way to work in Poulsbo and pay lower daycare. And also find a way to use the older boys to watch him as much as possible. At least I'd be home more often, make more money, etc. And that way we'd be able to just settle on staying in this town instead of constantly thinking about moving to the city, which costs so goddamn much money it's ridiculous.

I'm also worried that I'm pregnant, and worried that if I am pregnant, would I keep the baby. I guess that's a hurdle to jump when the hurdle presents itself. Must take stronger measure to not get pregnant, if I'm not currently. And Venti wonders why we have "it" so rarely. I obsess every day that I've become pregnant, and after my last pregnancy, well - it's just not something I think I'd be able to physically or emotionally handle. I'd go insane and fear for my life, have hideous panic every day, fear for the baby's life, and fear for my family's financial future every second of the entire nine months. And no. I'm stating that I could not handle that again.

Fuck. Less than 4 hours until the alarm goes off. What am I going to do?

Guess I'll see what jobs are available out there in the world nearby. I know that Dave's friend's wife says that there are jobs where she works. I wonder if she could drive me there. It's in Silverdale. Eh, just a random thought.

God. I know I'll be in so much trouble from my boss and Venti if I don't go in tomorrow. :(