Gender Genie - Way too cool.

Gender Genie This thing is so cool. If you paste some text into it (more than 500 words preferred) it will tell you whether a male or female wrote it. So far it's been correct about everything I've entered except when I was using my 'business voice' in emails.

Very cool.

Can't Sleep. Must Work.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. I can't NOT go to work in the morning - but I'm supposed to get up in four hours. I left work 90 minutes early today, and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so staying home does not work. I just can't figure out what I'm going to do, though. I'm fried.

Been thinking about how much money I earn. My paychecks are like, usually right around $850. $1700 a month.

Daycare costs around $1000 of that. (Down to $700 net.)
My ferry pass costs right around $100. (Down to $600 net, although I do get a partial refund.
Morning coffee costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $560 net.)
Breakfast costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $520 net.)
Lunch costs $5 - that's $100 a month. (Down to $420 net.)

There are other little expenses that go along with me working. Somehow it doesn't seem worth it. We're broke beyond words, and it's just getting worse. I somehow think that I'm going to have to explore other job options - which sucks, because my panic doctors are both in Seattle, and having to go over there twice or three times a month is seriously going to cost. (not to mention that I have to pay for their services. The CBT doctor is $280 a month - I get a partial refund, though.) So basically I'm not actually making any money. I miss my kids. I am exhausted from traveling so damn much - seriously 20 hours a week, no joke. 4 fucking hours a day. Who does that for so little payoff?

It also costs us money for gas and parking because if it were just Venti going over to Seattle he'd park at a park-n-ride and take the bus for free. We drive 35 miles round-trip every day, plus pay something like $80 a month for parking. Our car is falling apart.

These are actually conservative numbers. I have had lower paychecks. Breakfast and/or lunch has cost more money. In some cases much more money. Some days I spend $2.50 to get the little guy a snack for the ferry ride home because his daycare sucks and a later afternoon snack consists of 6 saltine crackers and a cup of water, several hours after he's eaten lunch.

Yeah, so doing this math - after 9 months at my job - I really just don't think it's working out. I have to find a way to work in Poulsbo and pay lower daycare. And also find a way to use the older boys to watch him as much as possible. At least I'd be home more often, make more money, etc. And that way we'd be able to just settle on staying in this town instead of constantly thinking about moving to the city, which costs so goddamn much money it's ridiculous.

I'm also worried that I'm pregnant, and worried that if I am pregnant, would I keep the baby. I guess that's a hurdle to jump when the hurdle presents itself. Must take stronger measure to not get pregnant, if I'm not currently. And Venti wonders why we have "it" so rarely. I obsess every day that I've become pregnant, and after my last pregnancy, well - it's just not something I think I'd be able to physically or emotionally handle. I'd go insane and fear for my life, have hideous panic every day, fear for the baby's life, and fear for my family's financial future every second of the entire nine months. And no. I'm stating that I could not handle that again.

Fuck. Less than 4 hours until the alarm goes off. What am I going to do?

Guess I'll see what jobs are available out there in the world nearby. I know that Dave's friend's wife says that there are jobs where she works. I wonder if she could drive me there. It's in Silverdale. Eh, just a random thought.

God. I know I'll be in so much trouble from my boss and Venti if I don't go in tomorrow. :(

Can't Handle This Anymore

Just said good morning to my boss, but it's not. I just sent an email to my psychologist's office telling them to cancel all of my future appointments. The only reason I've been able to keep my job and believe in myself and have a teeny shred of dignity is because of that psychologist telling me that I CAN do this shit. And obviously I can't because I want nothing more than to get up out of this chair, walk to the ferry, and go home for good. My working costs us money in the end - how fucked up is that? I've never, ever, ever in my life been this poor. How does your bank account go SO negative only a few days after fucking payday??? We're not even fucking spending any money on frills! OMG, wait - we went to see a fucking movie last weekend. Good God, are we insane??

I just don't get it. How do people make life work? How do they avoid their daycare check bouncing? How do they avoid $1000 a month daycare to begin with??? Shit, that's more than half of what I made last month...and my paycheck coming up next week will be a small one, too. nice, huh? NO - it's NOT FUCKING NICE. It feels awful.

No money. No money. No money.

Okay. I have to try harder. SOmeone has to. But I can't. And everyone is trying harder, I shouldn't say they aren't - but what can I fucking do??? 2nd job is the only thing I can think of so I'm going to start looking for that today. If we only lived closer to work then I'd have more time to work at a second job. I could start at 6 or whatever and work until 10 or 11. But no. Can't live closer. Kids don't want that because it would ruin their lives because of school and their friends - and hell, we don't have the money to cover move-in costs or renting a u-haul truck anyway.

So we're fucked. In every direction - and it's not fun.

And I smile and wave - smile and wave - people keep saying Gooood morning!!!! And I smile and wave.

This fucking blows.

And you know what? I really love this job. I don't want to lose it. But it doesn't pay enough. Not nearly.

My eyes are brimming with tears on this joyous day.

My Son Made Me Laugh - a nearly impossible thing to do

Grande: i got mad and kicked my computer and it was so dramatic, the screen turned red, the blue screen came on, it made a funny grinding sound, then restarted. i was like omg, drama much?? thats what u get for freezing on me. i really need a mac.
this was a few hours ago...

Going on 7 Months & My 15-year-old Is Perfect

I've had my job for nearly 7 months now, and other than mentioning it on here I haven't really thought a whole lot about it. I still love, love, love my job - finally got a nameplate on my office last week, so that was cool :) It's not my first (or even most private) office, but it IS my first nameplate.

We went to Seattle today to get some home organization things from a store called Storeables. It was a bit too dormy for me - but we did get a few cool things (including lunch at Zao's - SCORE on the spicy Thai noodles!)

I went to the dentist 2 weeks ago and have been in really bad pain ever since. Not so much my teeth, but my gums and especially my neck. I went to the Urgent Care center yesterday morning and the doctor gave me vicodin and a muscle relaxer - neither of which do anything to help at all, unfortunately. Advil works better than anything.

Tall Decaf had an AMAZING jazz solo performance last night. Oh my God my son can sing like an angel! He sang "Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra, but with a Latin beat. I bought a new video camera thanks to my ex-husband paying some child support arrears to avoid going to jail. (That's what it takes to get the man to pay any money for his own child...the threat of jail.) So, since I've gotten no help from him for a while and spent every penny we had raising kids - I figured Jazz Night would be on ex-husband dipshit decaf. $1000 30 gig HD camcorder, $60 for 3 tickets to the show, and $200 worth of silent auction items we bid on and won. (The best being a nice bottle of red wine for Dave, and for me an awesome handcrafted necklace.) And the best part was free (other than the suit we had to buy for him...) - my beautiful son singing so amazingly. Thanks Dick.

Finally got our cell phones turned back on after Tall and Grande decaf racked up the bill to over a grand. The account was shut off, and I was told there'd be a credit check and a deposit if necessary, but I passed the credit check and there was no deposit - they withdrew the early termination fees, and I only ended up paying a little less than a grand to get the phones back. So now Tall Decaf can't ever use the phone again unless we hand it to him on the weekend.

I miss my mom. I talked to her yesterday and the day before, but until then it had been a long time. She's doing well, but her husband (still can't call him my step-dad) needs another back surgery. She bought an investment house. She's amazing.

My sister is now selling burial plots in a hick-ass town for a living. How low of a job is that? She's still not talking to me after having fucked me over emotionally for the nth time in my life. Of course I'm sure everyone is of the opinion that it's my fault somehow.

Grande Decaf is smoking now. I am so disappointed. He's living with his father so I'm not surprised, just bummed about it. He's also finally gotten a job at a mini-market, but it's only a few hours a week - and still no drivers license or GED. I miss him and wish he'd move back here, but I guess he believes that he's better off out there. Maybe someday he'll change his mind.

I should have been in bed an hour ago - so off I go to take some Advil and try to get some sleep.

I wasn't going to mention it because I don't want to jinx it, but I'm starting a diet tomorrow. No more tofu fries for a while. :( Okay, honestly - I have to admit they're just a method for getting to the peanut sauce. *sigh* I'm gonna miss Thai food for the next few months.

God I Need Coffee

It's 2pm and I haven't had any coffee. My head is pounding despite the 4 Advil I took a while ago. It is Sunday, and as of this time I have had no actual weekend to speak of. Well, other than the fact that I didn't go to work - that's the only thing that marks it as a weekend.

I'm tired. Always tired. I work too far away, and don't know if I ever want to move to Seattle - north of Seattle, or east of Seattle. I like it where I live. I love my job. It's taking years off of my life commuting the way we do. So what are my options? Rhetorical question. NRN.

My son told me today that my ex-husband wants to tell me "himself" that he is getting married next month. His fiance is 6 years older than our son. I could literaly vomit. Why does my son like to gossip so much. If ex-husband wanted to tell me he was getting married then why didn't my son just let HIM tell me. I know he was looking for a response. Mine was - and I quote - "LOL".

My original thought was "I wonder if this means he'll never come out of the closet." My second thought was "Well, at least he can't marry my sister." My third thought was "LOL". At least there weren't any horrifying feelings of crushedness. I was kind of expecting that, but there weren't. Kind of cool. Growth is a cool thing.

I haven't spoken to my mom or sister in a long time. That bugs me. I've done nothing wrong, nothing at all, and yet I'm being villianized. Somehow they've turned me into this monster - and my son is there, right there - to soak up all that negativity about me. Fucking bastards.

So, I've got a 3 more days until its' been 6 months at my job. I hope I get a review and a raise, but being denoted as a 'freelancer' I'm not holding my breath. I've been looking at staff job postings but nothing of interest has yet to come up. As soon as it does I will apply so I can start getting benefits - like less expensive insurance and PTO accrual. Very nice. Oh, and the 5% December 15th bonus - also very nice. If my husband and I both got that things would be very sweet for Christmas this year.

I hate not having a weekend. Hate it with a passion. Last week was hellish long, and I only worked 3 days of it because of MLK day and a snow day. I needed a real weekend, and am not getting one. Grrrrrrr.

Panic attacks are getting better, though. My therapist is really great. Yesterday I have a level 10 panic attack that I personally wrestled down to a level 2 in under 10 minutes. Very interesting. No need for medicine, either. Life is changing for the better.

Now...if I could just afford to go back on a low-carb diet and lose all the weight I just regained after losing so much I'll be much happier.

Gotta go. My coffee ride is here.

Experiment

Fucking Ranch Dressing

I had to eat lunch by myself today. I bought a sandwich and a little salad - Ranch dressing packet came with it. I ate half of the sandwich in the atrium here at work, piano music in the background while I read a book. I couldn't take the anxiety of the situation any more, so I packed up my too big paper bag and went to my office. Salad time. This is the real Salad Shooter. The fucking ranch dressing packet squirted all over my goddamn sweater and office chair. So much for trying to eat healthily.

I am mad, sad, and disappointed with (or because of) my sister. She was going to come and live here with me for a while. We were going to help each other out.
I am sad because of my son. He moved 3,000 miles away to live with his father. Mere days before his 18th birthday.
My mother lied to me last night.
I haven't had sex with my husband in too long. (Not by choice, really.)
I have no money. Well, less than no money.
Christmas isn't going to be a good one. Again.
My paycheck on the 15th is going to be 1/2 it's normal size because I missed work a lot because of snow.
My husband is manic about money.
My son's math teacher is being a bitch to him for no reason. I would like to smack her.
My left foot now hurts - after I badly, badly twisted both of my feet - not ankles - feet. The right one healed, now the left one hurts like a bitch. It's hard to walk.
This $5.25 sandwich is dry as fuck. They gave me one miniscule mayo packet.
My ex husband won't call me back or send the cell phone our son has back to me.
My cell phone bill is $830 ($500 and some just this last billing period) because of my son.
I will cry when I lose my cell phone.
I only have 2 minutes of lunch-time left. Or is it 12? I don't remember what time I left for lunch. :(
I'm still so very, very, very lonely.

So I didn't not need the glob of ranch dressing on my sweater today.

Back to work.

I Have NO Time

I have a job now - have since July 24th. I don't have time for anything and I feel like shit in the mornings. I've gained ten pounds. I took the month of July off from my diet, but found it hard to go back to it - but did, just starting Monday. So far I've gained 1.6 pounds - wtf?? I really do feel like crap. Then again, it isn't even 6am, so that could be the problem.

I'm a Records Specialist at a law firm, which means I get to send letters to people and companies asking them if we should burn their boxes of ten, twenty, a hundred year-old case stuff. It's the coolest job getting to research where people "are now" all day. The days generally fly by.

I also started treatment at an anxiety clinic right across the street from my office, which is convenient. The guy says he's going to cure my driving phobia, and most likely CURE my panic disorder. I hope so. No time left....gotta run.

Stormy Petrel

stormy petrel: a type of seabird; also, one fond of or bringing strife.

Or - my son Venti.

I Hate Ebay. My Monday Was Hell.

Fucking Ebay. Some guy bid on our laptop that we were selling - and he met our reserve price with 2 minutes left in the auction. I very specificially said I only ship to US and Canada, and the fucktard is from Russia. I don't ship things to Russia!!! Now what do I do? He doesn't even want to use paypal - he wants to send money Western Union. I don't mind that, but God...Russia??? Now I have to wait and see what he says about the email I sent him. Can't he buy a laptop in Russia for God's sake???

Monday was a mother-bitch.

I didn't gain or lose weight. Not losing weight pisses me off. I gained a pound over the weekend somehow. Gaining really, really pisses me off.

I had to go with my son to Orientation for his job at Taco Bell. I am agoraphobic and have a driving phobia, as readers of this blog know. I had to sit in the passenger seat while this kid (with a permit only) drove to a nearby town - me panicking all the way. And then I had to sit in a parking lot for an hour and fifteen minutes, and try to keep myself from totally panicking to the point of calling him on his cellphone to come out and take me to the ER.

Yeah, we got the kids their own cell phone. They have to share it. We're not actually allowed to be in the room when they use it, however. I'm sure I'll have to take it when I see how many daytime minutes they're using.

Anyway...so I didn't want to go with him to the orientation because I was already anxious - but I did, because that's what mothers do, right? Well, in exchange I asked him to clean the kitchen. He's pissed at me right now because here it is 2am and he hasn't done it, and so I asked him to and he flipped out on me and stomped up the stairs. Okay...first of all, why didn't he just take the bus??? As Venti pointed out to me - it makes him panicky to take the bus. So instead of him being panicky he preferred that I be panicky instead. Now he's pissed off at me, which also makes me anxious. Ungrateful. God. I am no longer involved in his getting a fucking job. He needs ten dollars for a class before he can start work...what? Am I supposed to just give that to him, too? For NOTHING in return???

Kids fucking annoy me. I am so not cut out to be a mother. Yes, yes, I love them and want to take care of them the best that I can - but I hate THIS type of bullshit.

Fucking ebay. UGH. What's going to go right tonight??????

Well, it's actually Tuesday morning so I suppose there's the possibility that Tuesday won't suck nearly as bad.

We can hope.

I just needed you to know. Once.

Best TV Moment of the Year

They just don't get any better than this.

271 Days

• I had to quit my job 271 days ago.
• I have not had a single break from my little boy for 273 days.
• I have not had more than 10 in-person conversations with people outside of my home - all but 2 of those were with doctor-type people - in way more than 271 days.
• I have not been needed to actually do anything in 271 days.
• I have not gotten to get my fucking hair cut professinoally in 780 days.
• I haven't seen my sister in 293 days.

I barely remember these stupid days as they pass. They generally mean nothing. They are just things to look back on and feel remorse about the wasted time, and then I stop thinking about it. I have accepted this shit, but the anger wells up sometimes.

I have no life.

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.

Just a funny blog I didn't want to lose.