It's Turkey Day

Wow, what a suckfest - we're not even making a Turkey since we're traveling to my mom's house this weekend to celebrate Thanksgiving and we've got about $50 to our name at the moment. I did, however, manage to buy two pumpkin pies. I hate that we don't know anyone around here and can't celebrate Thanksgiving with friends, at least, today. I wouldn't have mind (minded?) cooking a big dinner - I love that. Cleaning it up - different story. It would just be really nice not to spend the holiday alone - the four of us sitting here staring at each other wishing Taco Bell was open....and wishing we wouldn't have already watched the two new movies that came out this week. (Harry Potter and The Terminal - the Terminal was great, btw.)

We went and toured a teeny bit of DC yesterday - went to the National Archives and the Museum of Natural History (Dinosaur Museum.) I liked the Hope Diamond - that was cool, as it always has been every time I've ever visited the museum. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be the women who have worn those pieces of jewelry in those exhibits, God they're beautiful and just ... I WANT!!!! :(

You know what I miss about museums from my childhood? The feel. No more hardwood floors and giant windows, no tour guides, no "take your time and enjoy." All of that is way long gone. The Smithsonian today was like a ride at Disney - when you finally DO push your way through the door (and get through security) you've become a part of the flow of people all moving along, and don't you dare fuck up that motion by stopping to stare at something. I was literally pushed along the perimeter of the Rotunda at the National Archives (where the original copies of the Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights and Constitution are) because God forbid I should want to put my face really close to the glass and scrutinize it. Afterall, why would I want to bask in the glorious moment of knowing that my face is like, 3 inches from something our founding father's actually touched??? I fucking hate people who are pushy - and so I was pushed through too quickly and didn't got to ogle. I also touched the glass and got a warning from the security guard. Oops! See...that kind of stuff didn't happen when I was an elementary school kid going on fieldtrips to DC - it was all so different, people were different, I suppose. Oh, I don't mean the security guard - she was great, it's the people who didn't feel as though I was keeping the wash of people moving quickly enough.

You travel to see these great things - what in the name of all hell is the fucking rush???

Anyway, I also miss how museums used to smell - I miss the velvet ropes. Today I took pictures of my son in front of a gaudily painted "Made Possible by a Generous Donation From the Orken Company" insect mural. Yes, a pest control company paid for a giant exhibit in the Smithsonian. About bugs. I'm still trying to figure out how many ways that's tripping on irony.

However, the pictures of my son were fucking adorable. Both sons, actually - I have great looking kids :)



See?

Anyway, so we have to travel to Maryland on Friday - of all fucking days we need to drive around DC on Black Friday!?? Ugh - what the hell is wrong with my family - why couldn't we have done it today - it's turkey day TODAY! Not Saturday - it's like, who's going to be festive by then anyway - we're all gonna be getting into Christmas gear wishing we were at home putting our trees up and shopping (those of us who do have money.) Who doesn't GET this??

So, no segues, I put pink streaks in my hair, they look really cool and it's really going to piss my family off - which was my intention. I am certain I need to bring this up with a therapist. Maybe she'll say that I believe if I give them something as outrageous as a few hot pink streaks in my hair to focus on they'll ignore my "problem" with panic attacks, which is my attempt to mask my inner shame about having anxiety issues in the first place. Hmm...I wonder if that's true. Wish I was a psychologist, I'd have just made $120.

Local Restaurant Reviews are Fun to Do

So I went to dine.com and did a few restaurant reviews for my town - also visited a page that is specifically for my county and did restaurant reviews there. If you're ever totally bored with your life, have nothing better to do than wait for your laundry to dry, write restaurant reviews. It's hellish fun reading what others before you have said then making an ass out of them. One guy was pissed because there were kids and no wine at my absolute favorite family-restaurant, what a dick.

Why am I up at 5am I have no clue. Oh - that's right, waiting for my laundry to dry - but in about ten minutes I know I'm gonna cave in and say screw it, damn the wrinkles...I'm going the hell to bed.

It's such a slow week - and I want it to be over with so that Venti will start his vacation. Of course, next week is the family visit for Thanksgiving, but talking to Venti while the kids are passed out sleeping in the backseat of the car for 2 1/2 hours will make the whole trip worth it. I love talking to him because he's not stupid, boring, or an ass - plus he adores me, which is always a plus conversationally.

Thursday...ugh, only??? Well, tonight is my third Reiki class - one more after this and I'm certified, woohoo! Also, the Apprentice is on which is something I absolutely must watch. I love hearing myself think "Oh my God you people are so fucking STUPID!!!!" Then Venti says the same things I'm thinking and we talk about how much better we could do. But...not sure I'd want to work for The Donald, really - because I don't want to drive that butt-ugly car to work every day, the one that the winner got last year. (Can't remember the name...but it's that "thing" that looks like a pimped out milk delivery truck from the 50's.)

Drinking apple juice before you go to bed is stupid - it causes heartburn, I know this. Why am I drinking it?

Watched an older Bette Midler movie tonight called "That Old Feeling" - it had Dennis Farina in it, too - he's always fun to watch. But there was a guy who played the character Joey - Danny Nucci - I don't know why, but the dude just creeps me out. Because it's so close to payday, I bought another old movie off of ebay for .79 - it's the shipping that gets you - but anyway, it was Wag the Dog with Dustin Hoffman and Robert Dinero - the one where they fake a war or something like that to take the heat off the Prez for having an affair? I loved that movie - when I saw it was "Buy it Now" for so little I couldn't resist. How cool is that movie?? I forgot I wanted to add it to our collection but now the deed is done.

Oh my God I just forgot to breathe because I was so focused on typing that stupid paragraph and I had one of those "SHIT, I'm not breathing!!!" moments ... anyone who's a computer geek has had this happen, I'm sure. Always makes me feel like an idiot - how do you forget to breathe just because you're typing 120wpm??? DUH!!!

doublethink

Another "what the hell happened" blog...

doublethink

Last Left Turn Before Hooterville: Welcome To Hooterville

A blog I liked...anti-Bush...

Last Left Turn Before Hooterville: Welcome To Hooterville

Rambling Because I'm Sick of Politics

This is my anti-politics rant about my life in general, which I think is important, too. I hear and read so much political bullshit all week and I need a break, so here it goes...

We threw away our Halloween pumpkins tonight - tomorrow the garbage guys will have to pick them up. I wonder how many stupid pumpkins they have to see in the days and weeks following Halloween? You know how jack-o-lanterns get, right? They look like old men without teeth. Venti made one of our small pumpkins look like Mike Wazowski from ... oh, shit, what's that Pixar movie...Monsters, Inc. Now, two weeks after Halloween it just looks like a one-eyed old man, caved in mouth and wrinkly...his "lid" fell into his face as well. I also didn't use cheap candles to light these suckers up this year - basically because it was an hour before trick-or-treat when the pumpkins were carved and I didn't have any cheap candles. So, I bet you that there's ten bucks worth of candles inside of those two pumpkins, now sitting by the trash cans. Makes me wonder how many dollars worth of candles were thrown away for this very same reason. I bet it would boggle the mind.

You know those frozen "entrees" you can get at Walmart or Food Lion or any grocery store, really - sometimes they cost less than a dollar? Well, I got two of the "pizza" ones at Walmart the other day for .87 cents. They didn't suck. The only problem is that they are too easy to make and so you find yourself at 2am going, "I'm hungry." Then you eat one and get heartburn.

Being poor makes people fat. I bet if I were a multi-millionaire and had a craving for something to eat at 2am, I would have had hummus or something. Because, you know, when you barely make enough to live on - frozen pizza in a nukeable cardboard box is possible, but $5.99 a pound hummus - and ya gotta buy pita bread, too - well, it's just not gonna happen. Hell, going to Taco Bell is a cheaper dinner for our whole family some nights than actually preparing a meal. I was looking at the flyer for Giant, our local grocery store - and even lunch meat - and not the good stuff - like, Tavern Ham - was on sale for $7.99 a pound. Who ARE these people that can afford that?? And didn't it used to be that making a sandwich was supposed to be inexpensive and "poor food?" Hell, not around here it isn't. So instead of hummus, or a nice simple sandwich, I'm eating a slab of questionable pizza that was cheap. Yeah - we're fat because we're poor, no doubt in my mind about that at all. Don't even bother factoring in how fucking depressing it is to be broke - which in turn makes you just feel like you need comfort food - it would blow your mind.

Tonight as I stood on my front porch - or perch - (I've got a higher than most townhouse entryway) I tried to figure out how many townhouses there were in my neighborhood. Our row has eight - and I could see 15 rows - so I figured, eventually, that there must be about 250 homes. And how many of these people do I know? None. I've spoken to four of them but it was short and awkward and more like "Oh, I really ought to say something or I'll just look like a total ass." I have tried to strike up a conversation before - it just doesn't work here. Nobody actually "lives" here - everyone is from somewhere else, so I'm not surprised.

I have been overeating for the past week. I don't know why. I want to believe it's because I'm pregnant. I wish I was sometimes. I don't normally stuff my face for no reason - so something must be up, maybe I'm depressed about my son disowning me for his fathers thin, blonde, more active plaything. She and his grandmother (satan) stole my baby and that just sucks.

It also sucks that I send him email and he never writes back. Never calls. I don't think I'll get him anything more than a card for his birthday or Christmas this year. I mean, it's the thought that counts, right? Basing your satisfaction on a gift by it's monetary value is just so base, don't you think? I do. So - I'll send him a card that says "Way to go sweetie on getting to be 16 and finally being able to get your drivers license...please don't drive an American car - you will die if you're hit by anything more than a shopping cart. Love, always, Mom. PS: Sorry the '91 Saab we were going to give you but you said you didn't want was such a suckfest for you - we're selling it and buying an enormous television - all Tivo'd up and cool as shit!!! Kisses!!!"

I sometimes wonder how much it would cost to transfer our entire movie collection onto DVD's...just ditch the VHS's and buy DVD replacements. We've got over 200 movies - I guess it would cost a lot but would be worth it as far as saving space goes. DVD's look cool all lined up - except those dumb-ass special edition boxes that are wider and thicker than the rest - there really ought to be more rigid standards.

My evil MIL never wrote back so I'm assuming that my Ace shut her the hell up. That's nice. Knowing that 'ha ha - I won." I know she got the email and I even resent it - but she still can't answer the question "what exactly did I do to 'start all this.'" I'm kind of bummed, though - I wanted a more difficult opponent to debate with. I needed some drama in my life because I'm totally fucking bored.

I'm going to visit with family for Thanksgiving and I like the shock value of them thinking I'm a freak - last time I went I had blue streaks in my hair - this time I should go with something bolder, like REALLY red, not sure if it would show up in my medium brown hair though and I'm sure as hell not bleaching spots so I can put bright streaks in - errrr....wait, that's not a totally horrible idea. Oh, God, I totally ought to get one of those fake eyebrow rings - I'll have to search for one...my sister and my mom would just freak. Heh. I'll be seeing my brother and his wife, whom I haven't seen in four years. Well, at least we've all gained weight.

Such a close, loving family, huh?

Watched the movie Elf tonight - it didn't totally suck, I guess. I'm a big Will Ferrell fan (but not to the point where I'm certain that I've spelled his name properly.) I feel like I'm cheating the universe in that the guy who loads the DVD rental machine at our local grocery store always puts the new releases in one day before they're supposed to be released - we always go on Monday to try to get the new movies, which we most often do. It's just empowering knowing everyone with a Blockbuster card has to wait an extra 24 hours to see the Stepford Wives.

Been wondering a bit about my thinking how just absolutely adorably cute Jason Bateman is - maybe even coming close to sexy. I have no clue where it comes from - but when I watch Arrested Development on Sunday nights ... well, I'm happier. I like quick-witted, charming, easy-smiling, sarcastic men... just - usually much taller than Jason Bateman.

It's 3 am and I could really go for a latte. Fucking Starbucks and their "we don't deliver or stay open late" policy. If I had a coffee shop I wouldn't stay open late or deliver either, that would just be stupid in this town. Maybe in DC or NYC or SF or something, but not here. There is nothing here. There is a local "after-hours coffee club" that has musical talent and poetry readings once a week, it starts at 8 - goes to 10. How in the FUCK is that 'after hours'? The place stays open till ten every night anyway! I shouldn't diss it though - it's the same place I'm going for my Reiki classes. Two more and I'm attuned bay-bay!

Was watching Trading Spouses on FOX tonight, before The Swan (which I NEVER miss - except for maybe next week when it's been shown that they discover the one swan candidate has cancer - I'm such a hypochondriac.) Anyway....the episode of Trading Spouses was so retarded. The one lady is a born-again Christian, which should tell you right away that she's a whack-job - then they switch her with a Jewish woman who happens to live like, four miles from my house. The Jewish woman's kids were fucking brats, and the Christian lady was a bawl-baby who, once outside of her natural habitat of "peace, love, Jesus, 'ain't this a nice fantasy bubble to stay in" just couldn't cope and was ready to go home. I have to give props to the Jewish lady - I wouldn't have wanted to put up with that husband she got stuck staying with for two weeks either....(shudder.) I used to hate reality shows, but I like Trading Spouses and The Swan - if I could watch Nanny 911 I would - but that's when West Wing is on and ain't no WAY I'm missing that this season. Plus, I called CJ being appointed Chief of Staff before it was obvious, because I'm just that good. This is why I need Tivo.

Did I mention we own a 20" TV? My monitor is 19". It's pathetic. You know what pisses me off the most about it though - yes even over the small size of it - is the sound quality. Why - during one show or movie do I have to keep my finger on the volume button? Can't it stay at the sane level I chose from the get-go? Is that my TV or just the way shit is?

I've smoked too much in the past few days. I have to try harder to not do that tomorrow. Quitting cigarettes sucks.

Man I sure hope this week passes quickly - more so than last week did, at least. Next week Venti is off the entire week for vacation time and so I won't have to spend my days all alone. Being alone sucks. God - it's just not natural!

And I'm getting that very deep primal urge to move again. I'm nomadic. It's hard for me to stay in one place for too long because ... well, I believe that if we move to a new state everything will pick up, we'll all be happier and tanned with incredibly huge white sparkly smiles. It never works that way, though - I just think it does - "grass is always greener" syndrome. But, well - the change has always been SOMETHING to do.

Man, 3 more years until my baby goes to school - or is it 2 more? I'll have to check. I will have to get a job when he hits 1st grade otherwise my head will explode from boredom.

A webfriend told me that Internet Explorer is, for the first time, losing market shares. I thought that was interesting.

Did you ever know that you were going to go to bed within a half hour but you wanted a soda, but you knew you couldn't finish a soda in a half hour? That's a conundrum I face most every night. And yes, our water sucks, so it's not like "oh shut up and just drink water dumbass." would work in this situation.

It's been a week since I got my wisdom teeth pulled out. Man did I act like a baby about it and man was it no big deal at all in the end. I still feel like an ass - but at least I'm not in hienous pain anymore. I'm just so glad that's over. I've been taking oral care more seriously lately - brushing, brushing, brushing, trying not to swear much, wondering if that Listerine commercial is utter bullshit or not - the one where it says swishing blue Listerine twice a day is just as effective as flossing. I hate Listerine in any color - but if true, the not flossing/healthy teeth and gums thing is appealing.

How in the fuck did Kerry not win the presidential election??????????

And now I'm back to politics so I'll shut up.

Two Great Blogs - one hilarious, one frightening

http://www.blindwino.com/index.htm

and http://www.dailykos.com/

How in the Hell Do You Get Caught Killing a Goat?

People are just fucking stupid. After doing a random google search on the first few words that popped into my mind I landed on an article called "Do You Know What Really Gets My Goat?" which is the topic of the "For What it's Worth" column written by some guy in Tennessee. Daryl K. Tabor. (And no, I wasn't searching on goats - my words were Mid Valley Tennessee News)

Five kids steal a goat, kill it, and place it in their football coaches driveway. Now, what bugs me here is that they got caught. Of course - it creeps me out that anyone would kill a goat for other than religious or hunger reasons, but that's beside the point.

First of all, these were football jocks, not traditionally known to be the sharpest tools in the shed - but still, how the hell did they get caught? Oh, you just know one of their cheerleader girlfriends turned them in - it had to be. Oh my God, Ashland City will never be the same, those five guys are just totally going to have to move to another city, if they even know one exists further out than Nashville. Stupid losers. Duh.

Okay, so you kill a goat...why? I mean, it wasn't even their school mascot - which, thank God they didn't go after, considering the mascot is the Indians. (Political correctness has not yet reached into Ashland City, TN. I mean, come on - this isn't the NFL, they could easily change their name, unlike the Redskins....who, you know - really fucking oughtta!) Kill - drop off - drive away, wash off, keep your mouth shut. Nope, just couldn't pull it off. They had to yack about it. Duh.

I think that's where everyone gets in trouble - not knowing when the hell to shut up. Very much like my ex mother-in-law. (Shiver at typing that out.) My EMIL is a sociopathic bitch who actually thinks that things that happened 18 years ago, little things she's jotted down in the Book of Shadows in her mind (which is now rotting, by the way) actually matter NOW. She's pissed at me because I am sucking the life-force (money) out of her son, my ex, for child support. ($76 a week when he claims to make $50k+ a year.) So, she emails me and tells me that she knows my dark dirty little secrets, like the emails I sent to guys on the Internet. Ladies and Gentlemen - how about a big fat DUH BITCH?? There's not a person who knows me that doesn't already know this (Also a big fat "yo - stupid wench??? I married the guy I wrote to!!!) - however, all of what she's talking about happened in the mid 90's and has no bearing on my life now. However, she pushed and pushed and couldn't keep her mouth shut and she got herself into trouble, because - being smarter and stronger than her, I have my own little black book of BIG secrets, which I whipped out, proceeding to throw a pretty loaded paragraph at her. If anyone were to read it, it would ruin her, yeah - how's THAT for trying to turn my kids against me with lies and bullshit twisting of the truth? If she'd only have kept her thoughts to herself and not gone off on a "It's all about me being better than you, child." trip....but now she's basically killed a goat and gotten caught. HA! IN YOUR FACE BITCH. (Since receiving my "I know what you did last summer" email - she has not sent a reply and has told everyone she's just not playing this game anymore. Yeah, I'm sure she's SO VERY not. Heh.)

Anyway, so on this goat website, or whatever it was - the guy really did have some rather interesting political viewpoints. And my husband suggested that to relieve my boredom, I should write about political stuff in here and how I feel about it - so I'll just do this instead: Paste what the guy wrote and say, ahead of time - YEAH, ANYWAY!!!!! Oh, okay, I'll comment at the end of it....

Dead goats may tell no tales, but the message it left spoke loud and clear ... the Harpeth Indians, winless or not, were far better off without at least five former players.

Since we’re talking about being better off without contributions from certain segments of society, how about the uninformed voters and how they actually undermine our free elections.

In last Wednesday’s Tennessean, columnist Gail Kerr called such a belief “bull malarkey.” She believes every American has the right to vote for their favorite candidate, no matter how silly or misguided the reason.

While completely disagreeing with her, I am thankful to learn the spelling of “malarkey.”

After years of railing that everyone should make the effort to vote, I’ve had a change of heart, or mind, rather. Now, with one too many close elections, I wish those who choose to blindly cast a ballot once every four years would stick to the same apathetic behavior they practice each of the 1,460 days between presidential elections.

Keeping in mind this was written prior to either Sen. Kerry or President Bush having been declared the next leader of the free world; I wonder who would be president-elect had the game been decided only by the informed, most polished voter instead of the blind rookie who runs to daylight no matter if it’s the wrong end zone?

While Kerr urges that voting is a Constitutionally-guaranteed right of Americans, I counter that it’s more a responsibility than a right, which implies some insight and forethought is needed. Having my future decided by the lowest common denominator of society who didn’t even know how to vote until a voter card was shoved in his face at the latest liquor store registration drive does not set well with me.

I hate to beat a dead goat, but there is a right way and a wrong of going about things.

(Editor’s note: Daryl K. Tabor is the editor of The Ashland City Times. His column appears periodically. He can be reached at 792-0036.) <>Originally published Wednesday, November 3, 2004

So...my thoughts:

Isn't it cute that someone would use the words "bull malarkey" in an actual newspaper column regarding the presidential election? Well, supporters of Bush would have no problem with that, I suppose - Yee-Ha! and all that riding off into the sunset shit, but whatever.

My point, and I do have one, is that I agree with Daryl...people shouldn't cast an uneducated vote. It DOES indeed harm us - because as polls and studies have shown, Bush supporters are basically not as smart as Kerry supporters so those Bush'ers were bound to vote without any reflection on the matter whatseover. (And I, too, hate to beat a dead goat, but really - how did the guy WIN?? Wasted votes, cheating, what? How? Please could someone just make it all make sense to me?)

So this collective "people who should have used a crayon to fill in their ballot", embarrassingly, includes some of my own family. My sister voted for Bush because she didn't want her business to suffer the wrath of increased taxation. She owns a goddamned thrift shop and cellular phone store in a town of about 500 people and if she were to make fifty grand in one year it would be a fucking miracle...yet she honestly believed that Kerry meant that her "small business" would be taxed out the ass.

My mothers husband, NOT my father - and I really hate calling him my stepfather, did not vote (oh thank you great and powerful universe!) - and when asked who he would vote for, said Bush. I tried to get the "why" out of him but he didn't have an answer and went right to the guts of his basis for anything Pro-Kerry...."So what? You're telling me you'd vote for a lesbian to be President???" Holy hell where did THAT come from? You just cannot fathom how quickly it went from "Who are ya voting for Henry?" to the lesbian statement. I didn't know what the hell he meant so I said - well, if she was the best qualified candidate for office, yeah - I'd vote for her, of course. It was only later that he said that he meant Hillary Clinton - and I think that my jaw actually hit the table when he said it...I may have had one of those out of body experiences where you say to yourself "This person is so stupid - I really, really MUST be dreaming, right? Tell me I'm dreaming. Please."

Oh my God I'm so glad I don't have to live in the same state as these people.

Anyway Daryl, I'm glad that you are, unlike me, so well spoken - I truly follow suit with what you said. Voting is a responsibility ... use it wisely or end up with the wrong guy in office where even if he were impeached we'd be screwed. I always believed that if you go into a voting booth and vote for the guy that you knew could not possibly win, that you were wasting your vote - (Nader, et al) - and I still believe that. A single vote in and of itself isn't going to ever sway a presidential election, it will never be just one vote shy - well, what are the odds anyway? But subtract all of those uneducated, un-thought out, "I do what my Daddy says", what the hell at least I'm going to the firehall maybe I'll see Jim-Bob - votes, and maybe, just fucking maybe I wouldn't be as terrified of what the next four years will be bringing.

Christ, my son is almost sixteen, he could be drafted to go to Iraq and fight - not for our country's freedom - but for OIL???

I just know, I KNOW it - that this term in office will be rife with scandal - bringing even more shame to our country and dividing our country even further - all because Bush is in office when Kerry should be...or hell, maybe not even Kerry - just, hell - here's an idea, how about a poor but well-educated person? Take money out of the equation, put someone in that chair that the $400k salary would actually MEAN something to, and maybe, just maybe - this country would stop melting in front of our eyes. Melting pot - yeah, we're melting alright.

I really hate stupid people.

Damn that Lance Arthur

Because my husband, Venti, is a glassdog.com - Lance Arthur addict now I have to do the stupid interview with myself, too....so here is me....

Questions taken from Lance (lancearthur.com):

Questions taken from an interview with Mark Morris in the New York Times Sunday Magazine, altered accordingly.

Best household chore: Good God, chores? Ugh. Lighting incense doesn't count as a chore, does it? I wish it did because other than that, everything having to do with household chores really sucks. If I abolutely MUST choose, though, I would say folding laundry. There's just something ... somewhat nice ... about neatly stacked piles of clothing that smell good. The towels all should be the same size when folded even though so few of them actually match. And don't assume that the whole "doing laundry thing" is my favorite chore - anyone who knows me would laugh at the very notion. So...I guess folding laundry, or more specifically towels - would be my best household chore. (Unless the chores done by someone else count as the best ones?)

Fantasy career: I want to work for some unheard of government (ours) organization in some tiny little windowless room decrypting codes and only emerging into daylight when absolutely necessary. I wouldn't be the only one with little quirks like heinous shyness - and there would be a limitless source of stationary at my disposal since I'm such a pen/sticky-note/clippy freak.

Favorite place to shop: Pier 1 this season because everything is MY color, I picked it a long time ago and now just absolutely everyone has to go and use it - that incredibly soothing amber color that just goes so well with warm browns ... God, I love it. Second after that would be World Market, which I've been in three times in my life but I just want to live there. I can buy giant boxes of incense there...the good stuff...I can feel incredible fabrics and ponder over whether or not I'm committed enough to spend the money on a silk embroidered yoga mat and bag set for the incredibly low price of twenty five bucks. Maybe World Market is better....they sell food, too.

Superstitions: If I see a grouping of buzzards in a field close to me - they must be on the ground not in the air - it usually means that something pretty shitty is about to happen in my life. The first time I saw them my house burned down a day later and the last time I saw them my fifteen year old son moved out of the house after bashing me and my beloved Venti. Those fucking buzzards. My other bird superstition regards hawks. I see them so often it's not even funny. I have decided that if they are basically just there to remind me to pay attention ... if they are sitting in a branch just staring at me...I better pay pretty damn close attention to my life, and if they have their backs to me ... I don't know what that means, but I usually take it as a sign that I've done something bad or wrong or immoral and should re-evaluate. If one flies directly over the car - I believe something is going to happen that I should be prepared for, imminently.

I do throw salt over my shoulder if I spill it - don't know why. I believe that if a cricket is in my house that it's a good luck sign and the same goes for lady-bugs. Man, alot of my superstitions involve animals or bugs...weird.

Morning routine: Not as grandiose as others have written...I open my eyes because there is a 21 month old powerhouse 2 feet from the end of my bed screaming in sheer delight about the fact that the cat just walked past our bedroom door or that the wall is painted white, or that his sippy cup is yellow. I reluctantly get out of bed because he sees - waits and watches really - that my eyes are open and then all hell breaks loose, there's no turning my back on the fact that my day just began. I get up and kiss Short Decaf on the head and promise him I won't be long... go to the bathroom - do as much girl stuff and grooming as possible before the door is either (A) pushed open by the baby Short Decaf with his hands - or he jumps out of his crib and lands with a thud on the floor. Some days I get far enough into it that I can weigh myself, but those are usually bad days. I usually stay in my pj's since - where the hell am I gonna go and why put on nice clothing when they're just going to get oatmeal all over them anyway? - then kiss short decaf on the head a couple of times, tell him to pick up yellow bankie and we make our way downstairs - he gets a drink and cartoons and I get a cup of unsweetened decaf tea. This is my life every day.

Evening routine: Everyone goes to bed much earlier than I do, so I have nothing to do but things like this, surf the web - feel bad that everyone is asleep and pissed that the cat HAS to be on the top of my monitor with his tail covering - of course - the top left of the screen. I look at the clock a lot. Sometimes I write in my journal, sometimes I surf E-Bay, sometimes I obsessively check my inbox to see if anyone other than spammers have written. Anyway, so the actual routine of going to bed...uhm...go upstairs and collapse onto the bed after making sure that the fan is on (need that background noise) and that the closet door is open JUST the right amount so that if Short Decaf wakes up in the middle of the night he doesn't get scared. My covers are always messed up so I have to fix them - then lately I have been doing a Reiki healing session which is sort of relaxing, roll over onto my side, snuggle up with my pillow and pass out.

Favorite memento: Silly. It's a little clear plastic pentagon with a sticky backing. My grandfather bought a brand new Chrysler New Yorker - he only ever bought white cars...so this was oh, I think a '91 New Yorker. He was really sick with Parkinson's Disease and Leukemia and so he gave my dad the car. My dad passed away four years later and through a series of very strange events, I ended up with the car. I traded it in so we could get something less embarrassing to drive in Yuppie-ville where we live, and the last time I was in the Chrysler, I pried off the little pentagonal emblem from the passenger side door. I figured 'fuck-em' - they only gave me $500 as a trade in on it - they could do without the little symbol. I needed it, also, to remind me of my grandfather and my dad. I have it stuck to the inside of my wallet now.

Favorite place in the house: My very top front step in the front of my house. If it isn't too cold, and I'm sitting there smoking a cigarette and letting my mind wander, at night I can imagine that looking down to the left where the roads turns downward and curves slightly - that I live in some quaint little village where all the neighbors leave their front porch light on, where everyone knows everyone and that somewhere not so far away is a big city and that I live on a big hill overlooking it. In reality, it's just a big ole plot of townhouses in the middle of nowhere ... but i have a good imagination. I also like to just look at the stars...wonder how long it will be before all the leaves have fallen off of my one tree that is so much bigger than the 3 square yards of grass it grows out of...it belongs in a nice big back yard, really. I like to look at the moon when it happens to be in the right position and believe that it's a sign from The Goddess and The Universe that my energy is being cleansed. I have more revelations, resolutions and tears there, than anywhere else in my home. So, technically this is outside, but - yeah well, it has to still count, it's part of the house, right?

Best thing about being you: That I get to be married to Venti and nobody else does! And I feel like I have pretty much lucked out with my kids, I still can't believe I made them, and they are perfectly wonderful in their own special ways....but I would also have to say that my panic disorder website was a brazen move. I opened myself up and shared some very private things that others were afraid to share - and because of that, something like a half a million people have benefited from the website. It does feel good to know that - but it's hard keeping up with it. I've left it go - but I know it still helps people.

What's your reputation: A quiet, shy, not too bright, spiteful, anxious person who never finishes anything she starts. Only 2 of those things are false, really. The people I've worked for have loved my work and been blown away by my ability to "get it" ... so anyone I'm not related to seems to really like me - although they agree that I'm quiet, too - and anyone I am related to other than those that NOW live in this house, think I'm a weak and not-too-smart little child who needs help every inch of the way with absolutely everything I attempt to do. Very, very few people have faith in me - I would say three people do, and two of them are under the age of 14. I'm also thought of as a bit of a freak by a lot of people because I have panic attacks, but all I can do is hope that they don't ever really have a full blown panic attack so that they never know how awful it truly is - let them think what they will. Panic attacks don't mean you're stupid or weak - just the opposite, really....but I still wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. Well, maybe ONE of my worst enemy's.

Favorite movie: Night at the Roxbury? No...Grosse Point Blank, definitely. Goddamn John Cusack in that role is just THE ideal man.

Book to recommend: There are two but I'm having trouble remembering the second.... the first is Ancient Mysteries by Peter James and Nick Thorpe. "From the statues of Easter Island to the Pyramids of Egypt...Ancient Astronauts to Lost Roman Armies...Tiahuanaco to the Somerset Zodiac...Dracula to Edgar Cayce...Mystical Druids to Elusive Amazons...The Riddle of the Sphinx to the Grave of King Arthur....Discover the latest intriguing, scientifically sound explanations to Age-Old puzzles in Ancient Mysteries.

Second one is by Charles Van Dorin... A History of Knowledge: Past, Present and Future by Charles Van Doren Now THIS is the ultimate ME book...(and yes ... this is the guy that was caught up in that whole Quiz Show scandal, but damn he's brilliant!) I'll just give you a paste-in from Amazon, but really - buy the book, it's incredible beyond words.

A one-voume reference to the history of ideas that is a compendium of everything that humankind has thought, invented, created, considered, and perfected from the beginning of civilization into the twenty-first century. Massive in its scope, and yet totally accessible, A HISTORY OF KNOWLEDGE covers not only all the great theories and discoveries of the human race, but also explores the social conditions, political climates, and individual men and women of genius that brought ideas to fruition throughout history.

"Crystal clear and concise...Explains how humankind got to know what it knows."

Clifton Fadiman

Your welcome mat: Ugly dark gray rubber mat that has no words, only scruffy lines cut into it - it's utilitarian and I like it that way. I fucking hate those cutesy door mats that say "I love my Doberman Pinscher...and he loves to eat people!" or some such bullshit. "Welcome" is even going too far since there are oh so very few people who come to my door who I want to feel welcome at ALL. And why the HELL would you put your name on your doormat??? People walking all over your name? That's just stupid.

Little big toy: The seat-heaters in my Mercedes. No, I'm kidding - although those ARE pretty great. I guess I know this is lame and not really a big toy, but my media card reader is my favorite "toy" to get pictures off of my digital camera as quickly as possible. It's not expensive, made by Lexar and has never failed me. I love that little purple thing.

Last meal: I technically haven't eaten dinner tonight and I REFUSE to answer this question like some people have and go with the whole "I'm on death row and this is what I'm ordering thing..." - (tangent much?) So no, I haven't eaten dinner but I did have some donuts and a poptart. No, that's not normal for me. It's still early so I guess I'll have some ham and bean soup which just might make my throat feel better. (Swollen glands because of the fucking dentist pulling out two wisdom teeth yesterday.)

Technology item you can't live without: Whatever the doohicky is that gives me access to the Internet. And, well, electricity so that my computer will continue to stay lit up. Other than that I don't actually own any real technology items...thinking.....thinking.....technology item...hmmm. Nope, don't have anything cool, so I'll just say my cell-phone...can't live without it. Oh, and NEXTEL SUCKS ASS.

Idea of the perfect party: All people dressed comfortably, sitting around a darkened room - either baked or a wee bit tipsy talking about all things metaphysical. I'd also get drunk then have outrageously great sex with Venti when we went home.

Topic you wouldn't bring up at a party: Since I only go to family parties, I'd have to say I'd never actually say out loud how stupid I think they all are with money....like my stepfather buying a $45,000 boat but refusing to go to the dentist and get teeth. Yes, he has only a few rotting teeth left in his mouth - has to cut up peanut butter toast into toddler-bite sized pieces for breakfast. GO GET THAT FIXED!!!! It's gross and just ... just gross. Fix it goddamnit. Sell the fucking boat you're afraid to actually USE and get some chompers, DUH!?

Fictional character you most identify with: I feel like I can identify strongly with almost every role John Cusack has ever had in a movie. Well, except of course that I'm female.

Favorite decorating technique: Throw absolutely everthing away and start over. Or move. If my house doesn't look like a villa in Tuscany, I'm not happy with it - and it doesn't and never will look like that - at least not until I hit the lottery and my kids are older - so until then, it's the throw shit away and start over approach for me.

Thing in your house you're fussiest about: People fucking drinking my caffeine free Pepsi. Also, I love my candles and incense and it pisses me off when someone burns some of my incense without asking me. I know it's just a little thing, but ... I don't know, it's mine, I guess, and I don't have many things that I feel like are "mine" - so it annoys me. Oh - the question was "fussy" not "pissy" - okay, I'm fussy about air temperature. I like it cool in the house, I sleep better at night when it's cool, and I like wearing warm fuzzy clothes even in summer, so the A/C is always cranked up then. I know that's selfish, let's call it quirky instead.

Procrastination technique: Denial seems to work pretty well for me.

Guilty pleasure: That moment when you've proven someone wrong, and they know it, and they know that YOU know they know. That's awesome. Other than that, I just like fuzzy warm socks.

What's by your bedside: A giant air conditioning unit that doubles as "just a fan for background noise", a lovely CD/Radio/Clock that Venti got me but I can never see the numbers on the clock for some reason, a Tracy Bonham CD that doesn't belong to me, a bottle of xanax, (just in case I panic in the middle of the night) ... and usually my extra pillow which slides off of the bed as soon as I fall asleep. Oh, and my jewelry box.

Pets: Mahoot. A not-too-bright cat with six toes on each foot. He is starting to annoy me ever since my oldest son moved out. I guess he is fuzzy-decaf. (The cat, not my son.)

Recent purchase: A mellow shade of amber wine glass, a box of incense, a bottle of Advil, a pack of cigarettes, and a pair of sneakers with Tigger and a soccer ball on them for Short Decaf because his feet keep growing faster than I can get shoes for him.

Always in the fridge: Milk, Decaf Pepsi and Chocolate Syrup.

Nagging injury: Every year from 1986 through 2000. No physical ones that come to mind.

Collections: Movies, incense, yoga information and candles. Also stationary products...it's a sickness, I know. I just can't help it, I love pens and sticky notes.

Fitness routine:

Recurring nightmare: That my teeth are falling out or crumbling. I hear this is a pretty common dream that is supposed to mean you aren't speaking your mind about something - which makes perfect sense for me.

Idea of a perfect day: 24 hours with Venti, having hit the lottery a few months prior, my kids nearby, everyone happy and me not anxious...and the location wouldn't matter ... that'd be enough. Hell, it would be enough even without the lottery.

Fuck the South

My husband just sent me a link to a great website which - well, I have to commend the guy for writing it - and spending the money to buy the domain name and secure hosting... fuckthesouth.com You can kinda-sorta tell that he means it.

Check it out, it's really fucking hilarious. And sad in that it's true.

My Son Left Home

My son, Grande decaf, is incredible and wonderful - creative, bright, silly and handsome. He's 15 years old, about five weeks from his 16th birthday. A week ago he, out of the blue, decided that he would rather live with his Dad (and his new girlfriend) than me, his two brothers, and Venti, his step-dad....

Now, this of course has been extremely painful. I hurt inside and out from it, honestly. And the worst part is that I don't know how it happened, exactly. On October 29th, he was fine - he left to go up to PA for a visit with his dad and when he came back on Tuesday night, he told us he was moving out. Yes, told us. As if it were totally up to him. His attitude had changed, his body language had changed, he had learned to use new words in arguments such as "clinically depressed" and "an environment such as this." It was as though his father had commanded use of his body and my son wasn't actually "there" - but instead his awful father, my ex-husband. Oh, man, he was so hurtful...he brought up everything he could think of to hurt us - my panic attacks, our weight, the fact that our house isn't spotless like his dad's, he even had the nerve to say that Venti was clinically depressed! Where in the hell did he ever even get the idea that his stepfather was clinically depressed!? And since when did he start using language like that anyway!?!!

I miss him so much already - he moved out Wednesday night, same day Kerry gave up the fight for presidency. I have not heard from him since - no calls, no emails. I know he's gotten my emails, why hasn't he responded.

What do I do?

October 9 2004

Six days into the diet and I've lost 7 pounds. Seven! OMG I'm doing something right! And with only 9 days until my birthday (and a planned cheat event two days prior) I am extremely excited about the weight loss...HOWEVER...

I have felt like utter shit the past week, which I suppose is normal withdrawal from sugar, gluton, nicotine, all kinds of crap. MAN I miss my caffeine free Pepsi's :( A few times this week I thought that if I could just drink ONE Pepsi I wouldn't feel so weak, tired, nauseated, or listless. I've also been extremely extra anxious and my psychiatrist is being no help whatsoever. I am having full blown panic attacks, like- level 8's, and have been since Wednesday (so for the past 3 days) and my own psychiatrist says to "ride them out". His attitude scares me. "Ride it out" for me could very well translate into an ER visit once a week or more...panic attacks are just so, so very awful. I also have major brain-fog, but I've been told that's standard for the first two weeks of a low-carb diet.

Today I want to buy some of those keto-stix things to make sure I'm in ketosis. I need the visuals. I wonder where in the hell you get those.

Anyway, so yes, my 33rd birthday is coming up and I'm ... you know, not really feeling one way or the other about it. It's a birthday, it sounds like a nice age - I don't know why I'm so blasie about it. I only asked for two things (dropped hints in the form of sending links to my sons email which he has said he would pass on to the purchaser in the house...so I didn't [b]REALLY[/B] ask) :) Those two things were Kenneth Cole's Black cologne (for Her obviously) and a watch, a cheap Timex watch just like I had for the last 18 months but it died on me. Wonder if I can just get a battery - never even thought to check. Anyway, so we're talking what - sixty bucks if said purchaser would shop on ebay.

Huh, imagine that - you CAN take the back off of a Timex and it even says the name of the battery on the case. Cool. (I hate being without my watch.)

So, that's where I am....it's saturday morning, I'm up early for some unknown reason, hoping I can get my hair cut today without panicking and hpoing that it turns out okay, and feeling pretty good about losing 7 pounds in five days (today I count as the sixth weighing day but not the 6th day of the diet, gotta get through it first before I can call it that LOL.)

Quitting Shit. Smoking & Carbs

At this moment I'm talking myself into believing that although it's 1:20am, that it's still Sunday and not Monday. Monday means that I have to cut back to no more than three cigarettes a day as well as start a low carb diet - Atkins style....

Now, I'm not all that fond of food - however, when faced with the prospect of not getting to eat cheesy pasta and the occasional latte, I get a bit unnerved and want to go into the kitchen and dig out every carb laden item out there.

I've taken all the prerequisite "before" pictures and oh my God they're just awful. I'm confident that some day they'll be fun to look at when I put them on a web page next to my "Goals Met!" pictures. I have 65 pounds to lose, and fortunately I'm not going into this endevour alone - Venti is joining me as well.

However, there's a few more wrenches in the machine.

I've said off and on that I'd like to quit smoking before my birthday - which happens to be this month. I hate that I said it because now Venti won't stop badgering me about it (he doesn't really badger, but you know how it is if you're a smoker, someone mentions perhaps smoking one less cigarette a day and it's akin to them say 'man you're a fucking ugly bitch.' You just go postal inside and turn into a horrid wench on the outside while lighting up a cigarette.

Venti is giving up wine, beer and liquor until he loses all the weight he wants to lose - I'm not even sure of the number -but we're figuring it will take us a year to reach our goals. So - I guess if he's willing to give that kind of commitment, then I am as well. I just - you know - I kind of like smoking.

I don't like the way it smells - sometimes I even hate that I'm smoking a cigarette while I have one in my mouth - but there ARE times, after a nice meal, with a good cup of coffee, that man, a cigarette is just nice. It's nice.

Anyway, when I wake up in the morning I will offically be quitting smoking. I can have up to 3 cigarettes a day - outside of the house - until my birthday, then I have to go to zero. I like the buffer, it's comforting. Much simpler than crushing the few packs of cigarettes I have in the house and pitching them right off the bat...I think that would be traumatic as all hell!

So wow, no alcohol or tobacco purchases for a year - we're going to save a fortune - now maybe we'll be able to better afford all the meat that we're going to have to buy this next year.

I'm big on documentation - I'm going to track every morsel of food I put into my body, how much water I drink every day (nothing else but water!! scary), my weight of course, how much I exercise, etc. All very scientific - but thank God there's fitday.com to do all the hard work on making charts and keeping me motivated. I like entering my weight every day - to me it feels like I'm staying focused that way.

I plan on learning yoga as well as walking for exercise, I figure it this way; I know how to walk and I know the difference between walking to the mailbox and walking for fitness - so I can pull that off - but the yoga? Well, so far all I have is a deck of cards that show poses - it seems very difficult to get the gist of what they are doing on the cards - so I may need a video. I wish there was some place nearby where I could go and be taught - however, even if there was I'm so self-conscious that I don't think I could do it. I want to be in better shape before I go and ask for help. I hate being the fattest and most unhealthy person in a room - so - as soon as I've made enough progress, perhaps I will go to a gym or yoga class. Until then, I'm keeping it simple with the walking and figuring out the yoga on my own.

God- is it even healthy to JUST drink water? I mean of course it must be fine, we've been doing it for millions of years, but I can't imagine it to be honest. I'm not fond of diet soda, it tastes like shit - and I am not big on artificial sweeteners either, and then there's the fact that plain old tea has carbs in it as well, so I can't even drink decaf tea in the morning like I'm used to. That sucks.

I suppose it's for the best though - no, no - it IS for the best, and I know at some point I can have my tea again, right? Sans sugar, of course.

I worry that this is all going to be too big of a shock to my body. Is that possible? Cutting out nicotine AND carbs so radically in such a short period of time? It seems like it will be a bit of a shock, really.

My motivation here is to get healthier, feel stronger and build confidence in myself. I want to feel good inside and out, thus the adding in of the yoga (since I can't find a therapist to help me with my anxiety.)

I am concerned about the anxiety medicine I currently take though (xanax) - taken every day, I don't know if it will hamper my weight loss. I suppose it doesn't really matter though - exercising and not smoking would still be a huge boon to my health. If I don't end up a size 8, I guess that's okay - at least I will be healthier.

Oh, and I want to be strong. :) I hate feeling weak, it pisses me off. It makes me feel weak inside, too, and I just hate that.

We'll be going to a party for my birthday which my sister is holding for me - her husband's birthday is 2 days before mine, so it will be a combination of parties (I always resented that) - but I'm not going to tell anyone we're making these lifestyle changes or I know I'll get hounded for the entire next year with "Well, you know what you should do...." and blah blah blah, I just want to do this on my own - well, with Venti.

Good news is that we've gotten Grande Decaf and Tall Decaf to agree to cut out sugar, too - as much as humanly possible. Being 15 and 13, they are really in need of learning to eat better. Tall drinks so much sugar-water, soda - that i worry about him becoming diabetic by the time he's 20. So - no more soda's or anything remotely resembling it for the kids. They are also excited about cutting back on carbs and losing weight - it's all about the weight for them, even though Grande is NOWHERE near overweight. He rides his bike an hour a day and is always very active...but his diet is utter crap. I really do worry about my kids :(

So again this ought to be interesting and although I can't imagine who out there cares to read this drone, I plan to update the blog about it often.

Wish me luck!

Damn, I never should have watched that Super Size Me movie, but it really did help me realize that - well, the food we eat is making us sick, fat, lazy, and stupid. I wonder how we'll all feel in three or four months. I'm very excited about it.

I also wonder if my house will ever smell good again. I'm glad I'm quitting smoking. If I can't do it on my own, I WILL see my doctor for help - I'm that serious about it.

I Haven't Been Anywhere

It's hard to believe that I haven't posted to this blog in something like two months. I guess that means I'm 3 months into my panic disorder treatment, but I honestly haven't been giving that much thought lately as there is so much else that seems to occupy my mind instead. I guess that means the treatment is working, somewhat....

I switched from Prozac to Lexapro several weeks ago and the "Duhhhh" feelings have let up slightly. Not greatly, as I was hoping for. The - errr, sexual side effects DO exist for Lexapro even though I was told they do not. I still wake up every morning and feel that I can tell that it's definitely time to take the Xanax XR - and 7 hours later, when I'm supposed to take the next dose of it - I can also really tell that it's time to take it. I get very jumpy and nervous - not panicky - just, very anxious. Although I've been doing pretty good when going out, such as to a restaurant, there are still times that I have to take 1/2 mg of regular xanax to get through it without thinking I'm going to die. I hate panic attacks - did I mention that?

Things have been crazy in my home - my nephew - MC Decaf - moved in with our family, then moved out, then moved back in and stayed for about 5 weeks, then moved out again. He is 17 and idolizes 50 Cent - he wants to live the Eminem dream and he is so immersed in it that in a few months when he is 18, he's going to be bitchslapped into reality and maybe, just maybe someday he'll realize that dropping out of school wasn't the right thing to do to pursue a career in music, when to be honest - his music isn't all that good. It makes all of his little girl groupies in his little city at home all hot and rammy for him - but uhm, it's a hick town and he's one bad-ass mutha gansta, although he's a 6' tall brown haired bright blue eyed kid, whose eyes still have the innocence of a 10 year old. Sure, he's been arrested a few times, put in lock-up for a few months - but all in all, this is not a kid who can market himself as the next Eminem in my belief.

And yet, he lived with us, and we heard his music day in and day out, these terrible and nasty lyrics, beats that were ripped off from other artists...and we supported him, listened to his finished tracks and said that we liked them, sometimes we did - most times it was painful listening - but then always went right back to "So MC Decaf, did you open that savings account yet?" "No? How much money from your paycheck do you have left?" "EIGHT dollars?? How is that possible!? You had $300!!!" So, MC Decaf was affecting everyone in the house - he moved into Grande's bedroom, spread his things around like a disease and finally took it over. This, of course, cause Grande much internal conflict - he doesn't have the nerve to speak up to MC Decaf, so he took out his frustrations on everyone else, mostly the parents in the picture - me and Venti.

Our lives have been a roiling pit of shit, decay and fire for several months.

So, MC Decaf moved out because we made him put his studio into a small storage room - it's like 8' by 8'. He called his mom, my sister, and 'told on us' and said that we'd made him move into that room - even to sleep, which is utter bullshit - it was for his computer, his "mic room" - that's it. So, she came down, (a week after refusing to let him ever come home) and got him. This was three days ago and it has been SO much more peaceful here ever since.

You know - that entire time that he was here - our regular, difficult life was still going on around us. Short Decaf has his eye surgery on the 15th of September and I'm very nervous about that - even though they call it a procedure, it's still surgery to me, and scares me really badly. I just hate that I won't be with my baby for like, 2 hours. I could cry. I know it's for the best, but still - it's difficult.

Venti STILL hasn't gotten a new or better job, (not his fault though) not even a side job that was promised to him. His friend is really screwing him over mentally and career-wise - and this behaviour has been going on for something sick like 2 years now - every day there is supposed to be the hope that SOMETHING will happen, yet Venti and I have given up any actual hope of anything happening - it's still difficult, but it certainly is easier than believing our shout-out's to the universe have been answered and it's just ONE more turn around the corner. Every turn we make, there's another turn before we can reach "it." So, yeah - we're done with the hopes.

So, my grandmother fell two weeks ago and broke her hip and possibly had a stroke. (She lives in Texas and I live in Virginia.) This is unsettling because my uncle never called me or anyone else to tell us and I only found out this past weekend. I have to get her a card - I feel so bad that she hasn't heard from any of her granddaughters - but she can't possibly know that it's because her son never told anyone that she fell. Asshole.

Venti and I feel like we've aged 20 years in the past two months. It's been difficult. Money has been so much more than tight - and I feel tremendous guilt for not working (as usual.) I wish I could just be normal. I try to be - but it doesn't work, I panic, it's part of me, and that's that.

Tall and Grande go back to school in exactly two weeks. Grande is going into high school - hard to believe. Seems like just yesterday that I was in high school - I hope things go well for him and that he makes some friends, he still has none here. He wants nothing more than to turn 16 and get a job, make money, drive his car; he doesn't know where to, just somewhere that's not home. I remember feeling like that but it was because I lived in an isolated area and my parents were never home, my friends were on the other side of the world it seemed - so getting a car (which I paid for) was the key that i needed to reach all of that - for real. Grande doesn't live in an isolated area, there are a ton of kids right near here, several malls within walking distance, etc. If he's this miserable now - how the hell is a car going to make it all better?

Well, I am tired of bitching.

Oh, I've also become an Everquest addict. This all began in May. I LOVE EVERQUEST!

Endless Rambling Venting and Whining

I've got so much to bitch about so be warned, go to another blog - this is one of those "oh my God life sucks!" posts that won't interest anyone and I won't mean 3/4ths of what I type anyway....seriously, don't even read it.

I just finished giving my 18 month old lunch and now he's crying. God sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from the stressers that bombard me from a thousand directions all day every day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the center of this giant platform and I want to walk off of it, but there are a million invisible poles hammering into me from all directions so I can't move a muscle. In my mind, I want to do a thousand things every day, but physically I just can't so I stand there, absolutely frozen, everything frozen except my thoughts - eventually wanting to curl up into a little tiny ball and just give in and say 'fine, fuck it all' and slip into some dark quiet place in my mind - like when you're in a deep sleep or a coma. That'd be nice. And I know some people would say, you just have to cut those strings off and walk away, but they aren't strings, it's not that easy, I used the word "poles" - like thick, steel circus tent poles - you can't cut those without some seriously specialized equipment.

I cannot tell you the last time I heard the sound of silence - if I can hear my refrigerator humming then I know that there are at least four people gone from the house, leaving me and one other person. I cannot tell you the last time I was completely alone. I can guess - let's see, it would have been when I had a job, after I dropped the baby off at the sitters, and I stopped working in February. So, six months, roughly, since I've been alone.

I stay up late at night and play Everquest. It's an awesome game and I love that I have a "purpose", so to speak, there. And friends, which is something I don't have in "real life." You'd think I'd be alone then - at 4am when everyone should be sleeping, but with three teenage boys in the house, there is always at least one awake and wanting to tell me something, listen to something, show me something ... or just bug me.

I shouldn't complain, I know - I love my family and I hate being totally alone, because I have panic attacks pretty bad, and being alone is sometimes a trigger for them. I haven't actually had a panic attack since April since my doctor put me on a new medicine, which is awesome considering I'd had several panic attacks a day for several years, and panic attacks a few times a week since 1991.

Anyway, I hate where I live and - it's not actually the place so much as it is the people. I have lived here for something like 2 years now, and I haven't met any geniunely NICE people. My husbands best friends' mother was here visiting from California yesterday and she was genuinely NICE. I wish I lived in California - but not any place that's roasting hot - that would annoy me. Man, it sure would be nice to have some friends. Or A friend. Being the only female in a house with five males is really, really hard. Being agoraphobic (unable to leave my house except with certain people or else I'd have a panic attack) makes it ten times worse.

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