Fuck the South

My husband just sent me a link to a great website which - well, I have to commend the guy for writing it - and spending the money to buy the domain name and secure hosting... fuckthesouth.com You can kinda-sorta tell that he means it.

Check it out, it's really fucking hilarious. And sad in that it's true.

My Son Left Home

My son, Grande decaf, is incredible and wonderful - creative, bright, silly and handsome. He's 15 years old, about five weeks from his 16th birthday. A week ago he, out of the blue, decided that he would rather live with his Dad (and his new girlfriend) than me, his two brothers, and Venti, his step-dad....

Now, this of course has been extremely painful. I hurt inside and out from it, honestly. And the worst part is that I don't know how it happened, exactly. On October 29th, he was fine - he left to go up to PA for a visit with his dad and when he came back on Tuesday night, he told us he was moving out. Yes, told us. As if it were totally up to him. His attitude had changed, his body language had changed, he had learned to use new words in arguments such as "clinically depressed" and "an environment such as this." It was as though his father had commanded use of his body and my son wasn't actually "there" - but instead his awful father, my ex-husband. Oh, man, he was so hurtful...he brought up everything he could think of to hurt us - my panic attacks, our weight, the fact that our house isn't spotless like his dad's, he even had the nerve to say that Venti was clinically depressed! Where in the hell did he ever even get the idea that his stepfather was clinically depressed!? And since when did he start using language like that anyway!?!!

I miss him so much already - he moved out Wednesday night, same day Kerry gave up the fight for presidency. I have not heard from him since - no calls, no emails. I know he's gotten my emails, why hasn't he responded.

What do I do?

October 9 2004

Six days into the diet and I've lost 7 pounds. Seven! OMG I'm doing something right! And with only 9 days until my birthday (and a planned cheat event two days prior) I am extremely excited about the weight loss...HOWEVER...

I have felt like utter shit the past week, which I suppose is normal withdrawal from sugar, gluton, nicotine, all kinds of crap. MAN I miss my caffeine free Pepsi's :( A few times this week I thought that if I could just drink ONE Pepsi I wouldn't feel so weak, tired, nauseated, or listless. I've also been extremely extra anxious and my psychiatrist is being no help whatsoever. I am having full blown panic attacks, like- level 8's, and have been since Wednesday (so for the past 3 days) and my own psychiatrist says to "ride them out". His attitude scares me. "Ride it out" for me could very well translate into an ER visit once a week or more...panic attacks are just so, so very awful. I also have major brain-fog, but I've been told that's standard for the first two weeks of a low-carb diet.

Today I want to buy some of those keto-stix things to make sure I'm in ketosis. I need the visuals. I wonder where in the hell you get those.

Anyway, so yes, my 33rd birthday is coming up and I'm ... you know, not really feeling one way or the other about it. It's a birthday, it sounds like a nice age - I don't know why I'm so blasie about it. I only asked for two things (dropped hints in the form of sending links to my sons email which he has said he would pass on to the purchaser in the house...so I didn't [b]REALLY[/B] ask) :) Those two things were Kenneth Cole's Black cologne (for Her obviously) and a watch, a cheap Timex watch just like I had for the last 18 months but it died on me. Wonder if I can just get a battery - never even thought to check. Anyway, so we're talking what - sixty bucks if said purchaser would shop on ebay.

Huh, imagine that - you CAN take the back off of a Timex and it even says the name of the battery on the case. Cool. (I hate being without my watch.)

So, that's where I am....it's saturday morning, I'm up early for some unknown reason, hoping I can get my hair cut today without panicking and hpoing that it turns out okay, and feeling pretty good about losing 7 pounds in five days (today I count as the sixth weighing day but not the 6th day of the diet, gotta get through it first before I can call it that LOL.)

Quitting Shit. Smoking & Carbs

At this moment I'm talking myself into believing that although it's 1:20am, that it's still Sunday and not Monday. Monday means that I have to cut back to no more than three cigarettes a day as well as start a low carb diet - Atkins style....

Now, I'm not all that fond of food - however, when faced with the prospect of not getting to eat cheesy pasta and the occasional latte, I get a bit unnerved and want to go into the kitchen and dig out every carb laden item out there.

I've taken all the prerequisite "before" pictures and oh my God they're just awful. I'm confident that some day they'll be fun to look at when I put them on a web page next to my "Goals Met!" pictures. I have 65 pounds to lose, and fortunately I'm not going into this endevour alone - Venti is joining me as well.

However, there's a few more wrenches in the machine.

I've said off and on that I'd like to quit smoking before my birthday - which happens to be this month. I hate that I said it because now Venti won't stop badgering me about it (he doesn't really badger, but you know how it is if you're a smoker, someone mentions perhaps smoking one less cigarette a day and it's akin to them say 'man you're a fucking ugly bitch.' You just go postal inside and turn into a horrid wench on the outside while lighting up a cigarette.

Venti is giving up wine, beer and liquor until he loses all the weight he wants to lose - I'm not even sure of the number -but we're figuring it will take us a year to reach our goals. So - I guess if he's willing to give that kind of commitment, then I am as well. I just - you know - I kind of like smoking.

I don't like the way it smells - sometimes I even hate that I'm smoking a cigarette while I have one in my mouth - but there ARE times, after a nice meal, with a good cup of coffee, that man, a cigarette is just nice. It's nice.

Anyway, when I wake up in the morning I will offically be quitting smoking. I can have up to 3 cigarettes a day - outside of the house - until my birthday, then I have to go to zero. I like the buffer, it's comforting. Much simpler than crushing the few packs of cigarettes I have in the house and pitching them right off the bat...I think that would be traumatic as all hell!

So wow, no alcohol or tobacco purchases for a year - we're going to save a fortune - now maybe we'll be able to better afford all the meat that we're going to have to buy this next year.

I'm big on documentation - I'm going to track every morsel of food I put into my body, how much water I drink every day (nothing else but water!! scary), my weight of course, how much I exercise, etc. All very scientific - but thank God there's fitday.com to do all the hard work on making charts and keeping me motivated. I like entering my weight every day - to me it feels like I'm staying focused that way.

I plan on learning yoga as well as walking for exercise, I figure it this way; I know how to walk and I know the difference between walking to the mailbox and walking for fitness - so I can pull that off - but the yoga? Well, so far all I have is a deck of cards that show poses - it seems very difficult to get the gist of what they are doing on the cards - so I may need a video. I wish there was some place nearby where I could go and be taught - however, even if there was I'm so self-conscious that I don't think I could do it. I want to be in better shape before I go and ask for help. I hate being the fattest and most unhealthy person in a room - so - as soon as I've made enough progress, perhaps I will go to a gym or yoga class. Until then, I'm keeping it simple with the walking and figuring out the yoga on my own.

God- is it even healthy to JUST drink water? I mean of course it must be fine, we've been doing it for millions of years, but I can't imagine it to be honest. I'm not fond of diet soda, it tastes like shit - and I am not big on artificial sweeteners either, and then there's the fact that plain old tea has carbs in it as well, so I can't even drink decaf tea in the morning like I'm used to. That sucks.

I suppose it's for the best though - no, no - it IS for the best, and I know at some point I can have my tea again, right? Sans sugar, of course.

I worry that this is all going to be too big of a shock to my body. Is that possible? Cutting out nicotine AND carbs so radically in such a short period of time? It seems like it will be a bit of a shock, really.

My motivation here is to get healthier, feel stronger and build confidence in myself. I want to feel good inside and out, thus the adding in of the yoga (since I can't find a therapist to help me with my anxiety.)

I am concerned about the anxiety medicine I currently take though (xanax) - taken every day, I don't know if it will hamper my weight loss. I suppose it doesn't really matter though - exercising and not smoking would still be a huge boon to my health. If I don't end up a size 8, I guess that's okay - at least I will be healthier.

Oh, and I want to be strong. :) I hate feeling weak, it pisses me off. It makes me feel weak inside, too, and I just hate that.

We'll be going to a party for my birthday which my sister is holding for me - her husband's birthday is 2 days before mine, so it will be a combination of parties (I always resented that) - but I'm not going to tell anyone we're making these lifestyle changes or I know I'll get hounded for the entire next year with "Well, you know what you should do...." and blah blah blah, I just want to do this on my own - well, with Venti.

Good news is that we've gotten Grande Decaf and Tall Decaf to agree to cut out sugar, too - as much as humanly possible. Being 15 and 13, they are really in need of learning to eat better. Tall drinks so much sugar-water, soda - that i worry about him becoming diabetic by the time he's 20. So - no more soda's or anything remotely resembling it for the kids. They are also excited about cutting back on carbs and losing weight - it's all about the weight for them, even though Grande is NOWHERE near overweight. He rides his bike an hour a day and is always very active...but his diet is utter crap. I really do worry about my kids :(

So again this ought to be interesting and although I can't imagine who out there cares to read this drone, I plan to update the blog about it often.

Wish me luck!

Damn, I never should have watched that Super Size Me movie, but it really did help me realize that - well, the food we eat is making us sick, fat, lazy, and stupid. I wonder how we'll all feel in three or four months. I'm very excited about it.

I also wonder if my house will ever smell good again. I'm glad I'm quitting smoking. If I can't do it on my own, I WILL see my doctor for help - I'm that serious about it.

I Haven't Been Anywhere

It's hard to believe that I haven't posted to this blog in something like two months. I guess that means I'm 3 months into my panic disorder treatment, but I honestly haven't been giving that much thought lately as there is so much else that seems to occupy my mind instead. I guess that means the treatment is working, somewhat....

I switched from Prozac to Lexapro several weeks ago and the "Duhhhh" feelings have let up slightly. Not greatly, as I was hoping for. The - errr, sexual side effects DO exist for Lexapro even though I was told they do not. I still wake up every morning and feel that I can tell that it's definitely time to take the Xanax XR - and 7 hours later, when I'm supposed to take the next dose of it - I can also really tell that it's time to take it. I get very jumpy and nervous - not panicky - just, very anxious. Although I've been doing pretty good when going out, such as to a restaurant, there are still times that I have to take 1/2 mg of regular xanax to get through it without thinking I'm going to die. I hate panic attacks - did I mention that?

Things have been crazy in my home - my nephew - MC Decaf - moved in with our family, then moved out, then moved back in and stayed for about 5 weeks, then moved out again. He is 17 and idolizes 50 Cent - he wants to live the Eminem dream and he is so immersed in it that in a few months when he is 18, he's going to be bitchslapped into reality and maybe, just maybe someday he'll realize that dropping out of school wasn't the right thing to do to pursue a career in music, when to be honest - his music isn't all that good. It makes all of his little girl groupies in his little city at home all hot and rammy for him - but uhm, it's a hick town and he's one bad-ass mutha gansta, although he's a 6' tall brown haired bright blue eyed kid, whose eyes still have the innocence of a 10 year old. Sure, he's been arrested a few times, put in lock-up for a few months - but all in all, this is not a kid who can market himself as the next Eminem in my belief.

And yet, he lived with us, and we heard his music day in and day out, these terrible and nasty lyrics, beats that were ripped off from other artists...and we supported him, listened to his finished tracks and said that we liked them, sometimes we did - most times it was painful listening - but then always went right back to "So MC Decaf, did you open that savings account yet?" "No? How much money from your paycheck do you have left?" "EIGHT dollars?? How is that possible!? You had $300!!!" So, MC Decaf was affecting everyone in the house - he moved into Grande's bedroom, spread his things around like a disease and finally took it over. This, of course, cause Grande much internal conflict - he doesn't have the nerve to speak up to MC Decaf, so he took out his frustrations on everyone else, mostly the parents in the picture - me and Venti.

Our lives have been a roiling pit of shit, decay and fire for several months.

So, MC Decaf moved out because we made him put his studio into a small storage room - it's like 8' by 8'. He called his mom, my sister, and 'told on us' and said that we'd made him move into that room - even to sleep, which is utter bullshit - it was for his computer, his "mic room" - that's it. So, she came down, (a week after refusing to let him ever come home) and got him. This was three days ago and it has been SO much more peaceful here ever since.

You know - that entire time that he was here - our regular, difficult life was still going on around us. Short Decaf has his eye surgery on the 15th of September and I'm very nervous about that - even though they call it a procedure, it's still surgery to me, and scares me really badly. I just hate that I won't be with my baby for like, 2 hours. I could cry. I know it's for the best, but still - it's difficult.

Venti STILL hasn't gotten a new or better job, (not his fault though) not even a side job that was promised to him. His friend is really screwing him over mentally and career-wise - and this behaviour has been going on for something sick like 2 years now - every day there is supposed to be the hope that SOMETHING will happen, yet Venti and I have given up any actual hope of anything happening - it's still difficult, but it certainly is easier than believing our shout-out's to the universe have been answered and it's just ONE more turn around the corner. Every turn we make, there's another turn before we can reach "it." So, yeah - we're done with the hopes.

So, my grandmother fell two weeks ago and broke her hip and possibly had a stroke. (She lives in Texas and I live in Virginia.) This is unsettling because my uncle never called me or anyone else to tell us and I only found out this past weekend. I have to get her a card - I feel so bad that she hasn't heard from any of her granddaughters - but she can't possibly know that it's because her son never told anyone that she fell. Asshole.

Venti and I feel like we've aged 20 years in the past two months. It's been difficult. Money has been so much more than tight - and I feel tremendous guilt for not working (as usual.) I wish I could just be normal. I try to be - but it doesn't work, I panic, it's part of me, and that's that.

Tall and Grande go back to school in exactly two weeks. Grande is going into high school - hard to believe. Seems like just yesterday that I was in high school - I hope things go well for him and that he makes some friends, he still has none here. He wants nothing more than to turn 16 and get a job, make money, drive his car; he doesn't know where to, just somewhere that's not home. I remember feeling like that but it was because I lived in an isolated area and my parents were never home, my friends were on the other side of the world it seemed - so getting a car (which I paid for) was the key that i needed to reach all of that - for real. Grande doesn't live in an isolated area, there are a ton of kids right near here, several malls within walking distance, etc. If he's this miserable now - how the hell is a car going to make it all better?

Well, I am tired of bitching.

Oh, I've also become an Everquest addict. This all began in May. I LOVE EVERQUEST!

Endless Rambling Venting and Whining

I've got so much to bitch about so be warned, go to another blog - this is one of those "oh my God life sucks!" posts that won't interest anyone and I won't mean 3/4ths of what I type anyway....seriously, don't even read it.

I just finished giving my 18 month old lunch and now he's crying. God sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from the stressers that bombard me from a thousand directions all day every day.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the center of this giant platform and I want to walk off of it, but there are a million invisible poles hammering into me from all directions so I can't move a muscle. In my mind, I want to do a thousand things every day, but physically I just can't so I stand there, absolutely frozen, everything frozen except my thoughts - eventually wanting to curl up into a little tiny ball and just give in and say 'fine, fuck it all' and slip into some dark quiet place in my mind - like when you're in a deep sleep or a coma. That'd be nice. And I know some people would say, you just have to cut those strings off and walk away, but they aren't strings, it's not that easy, I used the word "poles" - like thick, steel circus tent poles - you can't cut those without some seriously specialized equipment.

I cannot tell you the last time I heard the sound of silence - if I can hear my refrigerator humming then I know that there are at least four people gone from the house, leaving me and one other person. I cannot tell you the last time I was completely alone. I can guess - let's see, it would have been when I had a job, after I dropped the baby off at the sitters, and I stopped working in February. So, six months, roughly, since I've been alone.

I stay up late at night and play Everquest. It's an awesome game and I love that I have a "purpose", so to speak, there. And friends, which is something I don't have in "real life." You'd think I'd be alone then - at 4am when everyone should be sleeping, but with three teenage boys in the house, there is always at least one awake and wanting to tell me something, listen to something, show me something ... or just bug me.

I shouldn't complain, I know - I love my family and I hate being totally alone, because I have panic attacks pretty bad, and being alone is sometimes a trigger for them. I haven't actually had a panic attack since April since my doctor put me on a new medicine, which is awesome considering I'd had several panic attacks a day for several years, and panic attacks a few times a week since 1991.

Anyway, I hate where I live and - it's not actually the place so much as it is the people. I have lived here for something like 2 years now, and I haven't met any geniunely NICE people. My husbands best friends' mother was here visiting from California yesterday and she was genuinely NICE. I wish I lived in California - but not any place that's roasting hot - that would annoy me. Man, it sure would be nice to have some friends. Or A friend. Being the only female in a house with five males is really, really hard. Being agoraphobic (unable to leave my house except with certain people or else I'd have a panic attack) makes it ten times worse.

First Blog Entry Test

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A Month into Panic Disorder Treatment

I think I'm over-medicated. Sure, I'm not having panic attacks but I am also not having any other emotions either. I feel like someone poured concrete into my brain....

The thing with the Xanax XR is that when I wake up in the morning I am anxious - so I have to sit and wait for it to kick in for about a half hour and I always sit here holding my breath (underbreathing) until it eventually does start working, after it does - I'm calm once again.

But is there such a thing as too calm? Maybe it's the Xanax XR, maybe it's the Prozac, I really don't know which one of them is making me feel so stupid - but whichever one it is has to go. I honestly think it's the Prozac because for the first few weeks of taking both medicines, I wasn't having any panic attacks and I felt pretty clear headed - then the Prozac started working and now I feel anything BUT clear-headed.

It's a terrible feeling to KNOW you aren't thinking clearly. "What was that word I was looking for?..." "What were we talking about?..." "Did you tell me if you did that already?..." God, and I feel so stupid for feeling so stupid! Wow - that's quite an "issue" - don't you think? Yeah, I think the Prozac has to go. I wonder how you stop taking the stuff.

My ear is ringing really loudly. I used to get vertigo when it would be both ringing AND stuffed-up/closed feeling - so I'm petrified that I'm going to get vertigo although it is has just a very minute amount of that closed feeling. Vertigo is an absolutely horrible thing to experience :( I have to figure out where I put the medicine I take for it - meclizine - and also if I'm allowed to take it with Xanax XR and Prozac - before I actually GET vertigo.

I'm still having trouble with my eyes, but I'm not as scared about it as I was. I honest to God think it's from sitting in front of the computer for about 8 years straight that has caused me problems. We took Short Decaf to the ophphthalmologist last week for his lazy eye - so that was doubly hard for me. Worried so much about the baby, and terrified of being in that office because I don't want to think what could be wrong or what it would take to fix my eyes. God I wish it was just glasses - I hope it is.

Side note: Short Decaf refuses to wear his eye patch, rips it right off - and when we did get him to wear it for about two straight hours - we noticed a really bright red mark where the adhesive was all around his eye. The redness didn't go away for 2 days :( So, the patches aren't going to work - they have drops that blur the eye for about three weeks but I'm worried about going \to such extremes.

The kids are out of school soon - Wednesday is their last day - so three more days of school for them. I'm kind of happy that I won't be home alone all day every day for the next three months but worried that it will be alot of stress with the boys fighting or being loud and rambunctious - but I know me, I'd rather have that than be alone all day. Maybe I won't sleep in so damn late. I do that because it shortens the amount of time I actually have to be aware of how alone I am.

I have also come to the realization that I'm no longer too upset about not having any friends. God, I used to miss my family so much and wish I could move back to my hometown and just be near them because they were people who KNEW me - even though they are horrible people, or wished terribly to have a friend, just anyone to talk to - but it doesn't bother me like it had been. I think I have officially become a shut-in. Accepting that this is my fate. I'm not depressed about it - I really don't have any feelings about it either way. And this isn't just because of the Prozac, which makes me feel that way about everything - I realized I hadn't been bothered by the friend issue for several months. I keep saying "I wish I had a friend." but I don't mean it like I used to. I'm okay to be alone - just happy when the kids and Venti are home.

My Life is Strange

I had a weird dream last night, something involving Sarasota Florida and someone scheduling a flight for me and my kids to California (with the stopover in Florida) - but when we got to the airport to get on our plane, they said there was no such flight and someone had obviously screwed us over. The person who'd set up the trip for us was my ex husband. But why Sarasota? I don't believe I've even heard that word in possibly years!? Anyway...

Tall and Grande Decaf were picked up by their grandparents on Friday night, their 'father' was supposed to pick them up but just couldn't pull it off, again. So Venti, Short, and I went to visit my family in Eastern Maryland - we thought it would just be a few select family members we don't hate, but as we got near the closest big town to the house, I called my mom and she said my sister - who hated me so much last week that she yelled at me on the phone (so loud people could hear it across the room!) then hung up on me - was there. Nice. No turning around and going back home - we'd already been on the road for like 2 1/2 hours. So, we get there - and my sister puts her happy as a clam face on and I swear to God that girl must be schizo.

The entire day and a half that we were there sucked. Nobody really talked TO each other, they just talked. Nobody listened to what anyone said, it was like a "who's got the biggest dick" contest. Sorry - pissing contest. Whatever. Venti and I stayed out of the way as much as possible and left promptly after lunch on Memorial Day Monday. Man - my mom fucking refuses to turn the a/c on - so we were roasting fucking hot the entire time.

My neice stayed totally drunk the entire time, a nice mix with the antidepressant she's on, as well as a nice mix with her 4 year old and 5 month old. She is a loud and obnoxious drunk person.

Then there's the fact that all female members of my family were wearing tank tops or other shirts that were so low cut that it was grossing me out. I mean, hey - if you've got nice boobs and you want everyone to see them, fine - but if you've got grim saggy boobs - get a wonder bra and lose 75 pounds and jacks-a-donut - you will offend nobody. Gross.

I swear I don't know how it is that I share genes with these people. I don't recognize myself in any of them - not one part of me. Thank God Venti doesn't see it either...hopefully I was adopted.

One fucked up thing though - my oldest sister was talking about her first and only panic attack, which she had several months ago from taking black cohash for her menopause symptoms ... now suddenly everyone respects the fact that panic attacks are a real thing. Shit. I go for 12 years and everyone thinks I'm nuts or not trying hard enough and then my sister and her daughter experience panic attacks and suddenly it's all just fiiiiine. Do you know how fucked up those people made me feel for TWELVE GODDAMNED YEARS?!?!!! And it's not like I can get that time back!

Okay, so anyway - on to other topics...better topics.

My panic attacks have been awesome lately - I am so pleased. In the beginning of getting treatment for them I told Venti that my only hope was that I'd feel numb, well - I don't feel numb, I'm just not panicking. It's very cool. :) I am having a little trouble staying focused when four people are talking at the same time and I'm supposed to be following every part of each conversation, and my sleep is a little screwy, but other than that I think I'm doing pretty well.

Today's a nice day - we bought Grande a new bike - his 'father' - the failure - got him a terrible POS bike from walmart and in a few minutes, Venti will be bringing home the surprise bike for Grande. I'm so excited - Grande doesn't know it's coming, and thinks it will be months before he sees a new bike because that's the way his "father" has always done things.

Like over this past Memorial Day Weekend - he said he was going to take them to Hershey Park, nice place for teenagers - amusement park, lots of fun, right? Did he? No -- he took them to a coal mine that they've been to ten other times and put them on the $2 a ticket train ride through a coal mine. Ooooh. Fun. What Dad, no t-shirt? That guy is a major asshole letting his kids down like that.

I do have all the paperwork ready to be put together to send in for child support re-upping. He'll pay much more now that both kids live with me - now he won't get to go on cruises or two week vacations to Florida as often but his kids will get clothing more often, so that'll be nice. God I hate him.

This is me blathering on and on endlessly out of sheer boredom, so I'll go...

25 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

I don't know - I thought I was doing so great, but then today I had a small panic attack which I'm still feeling/fighting off. I had to take 1/2 of a regular xanax, which was like 3 minutes ago. I am trying to push my boundaries with the agoraphobia, and I did do something today that was a little different for me...

...I know very few people in the world would ever understand what it's like to have a panic attack just sitting out on their deck catching a few rays...but that's the life of someone with agoraphobia. And because everybody who has agoraphobia has it in different ways, it's so hard to lump us all together and yet we all share so many things in common. Sitting on a deck sunbathing may be anxiety producing for one person, yet another could sit by a community pool and be okay. If my husband, Venti, had been sitting with me on the deck I wouldn't have panicked...isn't it strange how it all works?

Dr. Decaf put my XXR up to 2mg twice a day because I had so many breakthrough panic attacks in the last two weeks since he decreased my dose of the XXR - I still haven't increased my Prozac dose either, still two more weeks at the 10mg which I kind of feel stupid about - but I guess it's a process, it takes time, and if I'm not ready - it's not my fault. I just feel like it is. Ugh.

I feel like I'm making tiny bits of progress, even though I had a small panic attack today - being agoraphobic sometimes means being afraid to leave the house at all without your safe person, and even the deck is "leaving the house" - so I think that's a teeny tiny step of improvement. Good for me. I've done that twice now, and today when I came in the house I did some simple exercises for ten minutes - after which the panic attack started. I am so phobic of exercising it's not even funny. It all goes back to my heart phobia, of course.

My eyes are still acting weird. Therapist Decaf told me she thought I should get my thyroid checked out because she has something called Graves Disease, it can't kill you, just make your life miserable. Anyway, she said my left eye was kind of like, sticking out - like hers was, hers really is but I didn't notice that mine was - but sometimes when I look at it I wonder if she's right. She thinks I should see an endocrinologist to get it checked out and even gave me the phone number of hers. I don't want to have thyroid disease AND panic disorder. The therapist still takes Klonopin for her panic attacks, but at least she has a life. So, treating the thyroid disease doesn't stop the panic attacks, then what's the point of treating it? Anyway, my point is, I wonder if that has something to do with the way my eyes are acting. It's like one registers information a split second faster than the other. I haven't looked into it at all on the web because I'm terrified of it, really terrified. And in about 2 weeks we're taking Short Decaf to an opthamologist for his lazy eye - so I know I'm going to see a thousand diagrams of eyes and it's going to make me panic really bad. I went through the lazy eye thing with my first son, Grande Decaf, when he was Short's age, it wasn't too hideous, I guess. I just wish I had the nerve to make an appointment to see the same doctor at the same time as Short Decaf and ask him what the fuck is going on with my eyes?? I am terrified it means I have a brain tumor or something that's going to kill me, I don't have headaches or anything - just the weird visual stuff. Like my eyes are stoned. It's hard to describe, but it makes my life a living hell just about every second of every single day.

So anyway, the panic attack has gone now - thank God.

I've noticed that I don't have NEARLY the urge to get on the computer and post to message boards and answer emails that I did four weeks ago, I think that the Prozac is really helping me out with that. Now I don't want to be online, but there's nothing else to do except face life or sleep. I am trying to face life, in small doses but it is so very hard.

But today, I am proud to say that I DID get a tiny bit of sunburn...for me, this is an enormous accomplishment.

25 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

I don't know - I thought I was doing so great, but then today I had a small panic attack which I'm still feeling/fighting off. I had to take 1/2 of a regular xanax, which was like 3 minutes ago. I am trying to push my boundaries with the agoraphobia, and I did do something today that was a little different for me...

...I know very few people in the world would ever understand what it's like to have a panic attack just sitting out on their deck catching a few rays...but that's the life of someone with agoraphobia. And because everybody who has agoraphobia has it in different ways, it's so hard to lump us all together and yet we all share so many things in common. Sitting on a deck sunbathing may be anxiety producing for one person, yet another could sit by a community pool and be okay. If my husband, Venti, had been sitting with me on the deck I wouldn't have panicked...isn't it strange how it all works?

Dr. Decaf put my XXR up to 2mg twice a day because I had so many breakthrough panic attacks in the last two weeks since he decreased my dose of the XXR - I still haven't increased my Prozac dose either, still two more weeks at the 10mg which I kind of feel stupid about - but I guess it's a process, it takes time, and if I'm not ready - it's not my fault. I just feel like it is. Ugh.

I feel like I'm making tiny bits of progress, even though I had a small panic attack today - being agoraphobic sometimes means being afraid to leave the house at all without your safe person, and even the deck is "leaving the house" - so I think that's a teeny tiny step of improvement. Good for me. I've done that twice now, and today when I came in the house I did some simple exercises for ten minutes - after which the panic attack started. I am so phobic of exercising it's not even funny. It all goes back to my heart phobia, of course.

My eyes are still acting weird. Therapist Decaf told me she thought I should get my thyroid checked out because she has something called Graves Disease, it can't kill you, just make your life miserable. Anyway, she said my left eye was kind of like, sticking out - like hers was, hers really is but I didn't notice that mine was - but sometimes when I look at it I wonder if she's right. She thinks I should see an endocrinologist to get it checked out and even gave me the phone number of hers. I don't want to have thyroid disease AND panic disorder. The therapist still takes Klonopin for her panic attacks, but at least she has a life. So, treating the thyroid disease doesn't stop the panic attacks, then what's the point of treating it? Anyway, my point is, I wonder if that has something to do with the way my eyes are acting. It's like one registers information a split second faster than the other. I haven't looked into it at all on the web because I'm terrified of it, really terrified. And in about 2 weeks we're taking Short Decaf to an opthamologist for his lazy eye - so I know I'm going to see a thousand diagrams of eyes and it's going to make me panic really bad. I went through the lazy eye thing with my first son, Grande Decaf, when he was Short's age, it wasn't too hideous, I guess. I just wish I had the nerve to make an appointment to see the same doctor at the same time as Short Decaf and ask him what the fuck is going on with my eyes?? I am terrified it means I have a brain tumor or something that's going to kill me, I don't have headaches or anything - just the weird visual stuff. Like my eyes are stoned. It's hard to describe, but it makes my life a living hell just about every second of every single day.

So anyway, the panic attack has gone now - thank God.

I've noticed that I don't have NEARLY the urge to get on the computer and post to message boards and answer emails that I did four weeks ago, I think that the Prozac is really helping me out with that. Now I don't want to be online, but there's nothing else to do except face life or sleep. I am trying to face life, in small doses but it is so very hard.

But today, I am proud to say that I DID get a tiny bit of sunburn...for me, this is an enormous accomplishment.

12 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

So far so good, and I have to say that I'm generally impressed with the XXR, it's been doing its job and I haven't been panicking, although the last few days I've had some anxiety. Yesterday wasn't great, but I didn't have to take any extra regular xanax...in fact, I have only had to do that once and that was when we were shopping on Saturday at a giant mall for Tall Decaf's birthday presents....

I don't know, I guess it was just a really out of my norm type of day on Saturday, I got my hair cut and had a panic attack while the lady was washing my hair, then when she was cutting it - Venti had left me to go get his hair cut next door and I just kept thinking "He'll be back soon, it will pass, I won't pass out or freak out...blah blah blah..." and I didn't - of course. I did fine. Then going to the mall, I guess it just was too much - it's such a huge mall and so packed with people, especially since it was a Saturday, and the day before Mother's Day.

So I saw Dr. Decaf yesterday and he reduced my morning dose of XXR to 1.5mg and my afternoon dose stays the same. I hope that someday I won't need it at all, but he said I might need something to treat the anxiety for the rest of my life. Who knows. I've dealt with this for 13 years and it's used up alot of precious time I'll never get back, so I just want to feel better and have a life, so I'm really trusting this doctor to help me get there. I did see Therapist Decaf yesterday for the first time, she was NOT something that impressed me in the least. She was a MSW - not even close to a psychologist, didn't know half the shit I do about panic disorder, plus she's really overweight so I don't feel like I can talk to her about my own weight issues. I just didn't like her. I will go back to see her in a week but if I still don't like her, I'll request someone else...I need to get the most out of the treatment that I can, plus I can't afford, financially or emotionally, to waste time on someone who can't help me.

I haven't gained any weight from the Prozac yet, but I sure do like to sleep alot. I think it's out of bordom than being sleepy, though. There's just not a goddamned thing to fucking do in my life - and I know I could create things - and I'm working on that, my big goal is to get outside more and walk every day - plus take better care of the house, which I must say I've been doing a tiny bit better at each day.

So that's my "two weeks in" update.

Four Days With No Panic

Well, it's four days into my new treatment plan from Dr. Decaf, who put me on Xanax Xr and fluoxetine, (Prozac) - he put me on a tiny dose, 5mg, they don't actually make a 5mg tablet so I have to break the 10mg tablets in half, after ten days i'll go up to 10mg a day and we'll see how I'm doing. Dr. Decaf thinks I'll only need a very low dose of an antidepressant, which he assures me will not cause weight gain, for which I am indeed very grateful....

So far so good with the anxiety - I had one surge of anxiety on Saturday but it passed very quickly, within seconds, and today I even was able to go for a drive and go into a grocery store with Venti, no problems. There's hope in that. I was feeling a little depressed, though, about going into the grocery store because it's brand new. It just opened down the street from me and I hadn't gone in yet, and it's been open for about 2 weeks now I guess. It's so nice, really great - but I felt depressed because we are so broke right now we couldn't afford to actually buy anything except a box of cereal and some soy milk for Short Decaf.

I really can't wait until there's more order in our lives - not just financially, but all around. I have really high hopes for being able to overcome my panic disorder and agoraphobia (official diagnosis) and get out and get a job again. I know it would help so much but just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. Plus, I'd miss Short Decaf so much. I really do know that he needs to be in pre-school so he's ready for kindergarten; socially, emotionally and mentally. I've certainly proven that I'm not a great teacher (as is reflected in my older boys grades and overall feelings about school) but I hope for Short Decaf to follow in my footsteps and WANT to learn, love to read, love to learn everything about everything, get excited about doing his homework and WANTING to get good grades. That was me, that is not my sons. It's not even like his dad. God, I just want such great things for him.

Not that good grades and an interest in learning got me very far in life, but it could have if I hadn't hit as many roadblocks. Or been tied to a concrete-block of a man for fifteen years, from 15 to 30. God, what a sickening waste of time.

Still working on these pancakes for Grande's birthday breakfast - it's nearly 3am and my eyes burn, I hope the smell of them doesn't wake anyone up - I want it to be a surprise for Grande. Pancakes and spaghetti - his favorite foods. :) Unfortunately, I've made enough for the entire neighborhood so it's taking a little longer than I'd expected. But, I'm down to about two more batches so that's good.

You know it's weird with the Xanax XR, which I'll call XXR from now on, it really does actually seem to work, and I was so scared about having breakthrough anxiety while I was taking it - I swore I'd have to take regular xanax at some point during the day but I haven't. Also, starting up the Prozac at such a low dose, i haven't even noticed I've got it in my system and it's been 3 days now. I'm all for that.

Well, I hope there's as positive a post about my panic in the next week or two - it's supposed to take 4 weeks for the Prozac to really do anything, so I hope so much that things don't get bad again. I expect a certain amount of anxiety for the rest of my life, but if I could just not have a panic attack for a few months - man, that would just be awesome.

Pancakes at 2 AM

It is 2 hours into my middle son's - Grande - 13th birthday and I'm making pancakes - yes, at 2am. I am so tired and I have like 400 pancakes to go. I just burnt the shit out of my ring finger and I can't get the pancake to make a heart shape no matter how heart I fucking try. Well, at least they're edible mistakes. And they don't taste half bad considering I actually had to find a recipe online to make "real" pancakes.

I can't believe he's 13 already, it seems like it was just yesterday when he was born and oh my God it was such a beautiful morning that day. 5am my water broke and 3 1/2 hours later he was born - easy, mellow, no drama, pretty much the way his character developed over the years, come to think of it.

Yep, I'm going to be here all night making these pancakes. I don't care - I wish I could give him something awesome, some big stack of presents in the morning when he wakes up. We're only going to have a little cake and one present for him tonight, but I am going to make his favorite dinner, too - spaghetti - no big deal, thankfully. Tall's favorite food is lasagna, glad I don't have to make that.

If I had endless amounts of money, Grande would wake up on his birthday and it would be someplace cool - like, on an airplane and I'd not tell him where we were going, we'd land on some awesome little island in - like Hawaii or something, someplace just for kids - waterparks and themeparks and I'd not have any anxiety or panic attacks taking him to all of those places. We'd go to dinner and of course he'd order spaghetti, but then they'd bring a giant cake out on a cart that had, like, sparklers or something in it - like you see in movies - and the whole restaurant would sing for him and then clap - then after dinner I'd give him a giant pile of presents and take a million pictures .... SHIT, I just burnt that batch of pancakes.

I really shouldn't have the computer in the kitchen.

Well, guess I'll go FOCUS on this. :)

Apology To Myself

Well, I feel like I need to apologize, mostly for feeling like I wasn't allowed to be upset the past two days when I did have every right to be. There is so much inner turmoil and to deny myself the right to feel it is deny myself the chance to work on it - and work through it. So, I'm not sorry for venting so deeply the last few days and I'm trying to be more positive about my situation.

It's funny how you write such personal things on the web, even knowing full well that millions of people, even family, could come across it. I hope to God that nobody I really know ever reads these ramblings, except Venti of course.

My God things have been rough - that's true, but there are good things in there to be found. I am trying very hard to write only about those things tonight because I hear it's all about perspective.

Perhaps the lesson I need to learn most with Grande is that things are not always what they seem. Tonight he hurt my feelings something fierce and I took it very personally, anger welled up inside of me so badly that I panicked at the physical sensations of it. Venti came home shortly after the whole episode, after Grande had stormed up to his room, and gave me a fresh perspective on the whole thing. He said he would bet anything that Grande was up in his room sleeping - just like he was the night that he refused to open his door. After Venti went up to change, he came down and confirmed it - that yes, Grande was definitely sound asleep. So I started to think ... what time did he go to bed last night? No earlier than 2:30am - and he said he'd gotten up at 6:30, so of course he was tired. So, what I thought was definitely sheer hatred and using me as a doormat, was - well, some of that but also the fact that he was very tired.

So - what's the solution? Make sure that he gets to bed at a reasonable hour? It's after midnight right now and the "episode" happened at about 5:30, he's still sleeping. I wonder if he'll come down so we can talk about the whole thing? I hope he doesn't, I hope he sleeps until tomorrow morning and then when he gets home from school we can talk.

I really do love him so very much, I wish he respected me as a mother. Venti says that he treats me as if I'm his sister - which would seem more realistic since I had him so young - hell, I didn't do a very good job of standing up against my ex-mother in law when it came to her trying to steal him away from me and raise him as if he were her own, God I was so young. But, I know better now, and I'm trying to work with what I've got. I just have to try to remember that I'm 32, not 17. I'm the parent. I'm an adult. He is the kid, he gets that role and I get the parent role and although it's going to take a big shift in perspective, it's something solid I can work with. There, that felt positive!

Our financial situation. It's not permanent, and even if it turns out to be - I've got my kids and my husband and we love each other alot. We'll figure something out - but regardless, we'll have each other.

(Man, I'm really fighting hard not to bitch about things!!!! This is difficult!!)

We have a nice home with enough room and we live in a good school district - the kids are doing better with their grades than they have in a long time, the kids in the neighborhood are generally pretty nice and it's also a safe neighborhood.

We are 3 hours from the Atlantic Ocean - and although it's not nearly as impressive as the Pacific, it's there if we need to get away. (Biting my lip...get away to the crowds in NJ? **groan**)

My family. Oi. Okay, I can do this. I can't fix my sisters drug addiction or control addiction, I can't fix my other sisters selfishness, nor my other sisters aloofness, and I can't make my mother love me any differently than she already does. There is no making my brother remember that I still love him.
There is no making anyone do anything they don't want to do, I have to remember that.

My anxiety - well, I have cut my xanax use down to 3mg a day from 6mg a day and I'm really proud of that - and I am, in fact, taking further strides to overcome the debilitating level of anxiety I have. I have stayed on the Buspar that my family doctor gave to me and I will be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for more in depth guidance on how to beat these panic attacks. I know that even if he pushes a drug on me that I don't like, such as one that I know will cause me to gain 50 pounds, that there are others to try.

I have to remember that I am not completely agoraphobic, my anxiety does not actually hold me a total prisoner in my own home, I can go out with my husband, I can drive by myself if necessary, I can go shopping and well - do just about anything. I also have to focus on the fact that once upon a time, I couldn't even do that. Two whole years where I couldn't even leave my house or I'd panic and feel like I was going to pass out. I am much, much better.

So, with the help of my family doctor, a psychiatrist, then finally - what I've been waiting forever for - a psychologist. It will be $55 each visit but well worth it. I'll think of it as money going towards buying back my life, and that can only be a very positive thing!