End of February

I don't know how it's already the last day of February. I feel like we just had Christmas, but that was 2 months ago already. Time flies.

My nephew, Nada Decaf, is coming to live with us. We're going to pick him up at the airport on Saturday night. I'm really excited about it, but worried a little about the drive over there. I've been trying to make money so that we could rent a minivan or something that would hold our whole family, as well as to rent a hotel room for the night so that Nada Decaf can be shown around Decaf City the next day. It sucks that he's getting in so late at night, and that it will be dark. At this point I'll be lucky just to be able to scrounge up the money to take him for dinner. I really wanted him to see the city in the daytime since we actually live outside of it, and I'm not sure when we'll get over there again. The ferry costs a lot of money.

Grande Decaf has been in a bad mood a lot lately, and he won't talk to me about why. I wish he wasn't so mad at everyone all the time. I don't know if he's mad because Nada Decaf is moving in with us, or what. He just won't tell me. He hasn't gone out and applied for any jobs yet, either. He just pretty much hangs out at home and watches movies - and when it's time for his weekly school check-in he rushes to get the work done. He goes again tomorrow to check in with his advisor. I think he's doing pretty well with school, although we haven't gotten a report card or anything like that.

Tall Decaf is doing fine. He seems excited about some girl he knows from online that lives in the state we used to live in 6 years ago. He's growing so fast. 2 months and he'll be 15. Time flies. He's as big, or bigger, than most full grown men.

Short Decaf is wonderful. He's totally 3, but I just love him more and more every day. I have got to get that kid potty trained, though.

I'm still getting up early to make breakfast and clean up the house, but I've been going back to bed. It's insane to get up at 5 o'clock and then try to get everything done by 8.

My diet is going well - still. I'm surprised I'm still on it, but I like losing weight. Low carb isn't hard at all. I don't miss much of anything most of the time, and I'm down 25.5 pounds. I feel really good about that. Venti is down even more. I'm really proud of him. I reached one of my mini-goals, and my next goal is in 16.5 pounds. I was hoping to reach that before April when my sister comes out to visit, but I don't think I will. I'll probably only lose another 5 or 10 pounds by then if I'm lucky. Not that I'm cheating or anything - it's just that the weight loss has slowed down so dramatically now.

March 3rd will mark 2 full months on the diet, and like I said, I'm pleased with how much I've lost. If I could keep up this pace I'd be at goal in no time...although I know you can't keep up the dramatic weight loss of the first few weeks for very long.

Well, lots to do today - but first - going back to bed. :)

Missing Obituary on the Internet

Dwayne Joseph Clemens
January 30, 1990

son of Donald Junior CLEMENS, M (10 July 1926-14 August 2004) & Arabelle Emma GOTTSHALK, F (22 March 1928-), in Campbelltown, PA. Born on 3 November 1951 in Pottstown, PA. Dwayne Joseph died in Campbelltown, PA, on 30 January 1990; he was 38. Occupation: Teacher at Cedar Crest High School (Lebanon, PA), MATH. Religion: Methodist. Served in the military.

---

He did a lot more than that, and so I'm not sure why he's not on the web more. That pisses me off.

He committed suicide by turning the car on in his garage.
I miss him a lot. He was my favorite teacher all through high school. I wanted to marry him or someone like him when I grew up - and I eventually did.He once fucked up a landing while parachuting. He turned it into a fabulous, and funny, story.He called quizzes 'quizzicals' - which would make tests....well, figure it out. He never put the thought of adding 'icals' to the end of the word test - he just waited for it to happen, and it always did. Very funny.He told me I was capable of so much more. But he committed suicide. HE was capable of so much more.

He wore the UGLIEST pants to work; like dark gray polyester pants. I always thought that was the one thing I couldn't stand about him. However, I worked at a drug store when I was 16 and he came in for cigarettes or pipe tobacco or something - I don't remember, and he was wearing jeans and a really cool tweed hat. I guess his teacher wardrobe wasn't quite his favorite clothing either.

I think his full obituary should be on the Internet. This guy affected so many people so positively, and who cares what he did in his personal life to warrant his being turned into some sort of outcast even post-mortum. I learned more than math from him, and I know that many others did, too. This life shouldn't go unrecognized.

One Of Those Days

Bluck!!! What the FUCK is up with everyone today? Nobody is online, nobody is responding to posts on message boards, nobody is emailing?? God - it's like forcing me to clean my house from total fucking boredom!! I actually just straightened up my living room - and if you know me, you know that's SERIOUS fucking boredom.

I am starting a new "program" to get my house organized. Wish me luck. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of and rearrange. Big project, but I'm taking it in smaller chunks. I think I need organization in every aspect of my life - but starting in my home is the most important. I think it trickles into other aspects of life that way.

God - time to grow up and be responsible, I guess.

Diet Cheat Weekend

Well, it wasn't so bad. I only gained 3 pounds, tops. I went back on the plan this morning and made it through the day nicely. Well - I did have some trouble eating breakfast - skipped it actually - so that was one bad thing.

Kind of got some stunning revelations today - no, not kind of - definitely. I wonder how it will affect our lives in the future, but I'm trying to remain positive about it - although for many it would be - or will be - a negative thing. Cryptic enough?

I think I'm done watching the Olympics now. I've seen everything I wanted to see. I might watch some more figure skating, but that's about it.

God, I have had a gallon of water today. Unreal. I'm still afraid to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll be okay with it (sort of) if I don't lose any weight for a day or two - I DID cheat pretty badly, afterall. I just hope the cheat actually does kickstart some faster weight loss, which is why we had the cheat to begin with.

I'm glad it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I could use some more romance.

GD Muscle Cramps and Low-Carb Diets

This LC diet has brought a new pain in the ass - leg and muscle cramps. Obviously I need Potassium, but I'm pissed because I don't know how to use supplements and now I've read that if you use them wrong you can get a racing heart...or a lack of them can cause an irregular heartbeat. I wish I had a family doctor to talk about these things with. Sometimes, even though I'm losing weight on this diet, I think I should choose another method of weight loss. I even found out that LCing can cause a build-up of lactic acid in your muscles, and lactic acid makes people with panic disorder panic. Well, it is also what they give people so that they can experience what a panic attack feels like. Nice, huh? I just don't know what to do.


It's almost 1AM and I should be in bed because it's Friday - and the longer I stay awake, the less time I have with Venti in the morning. I hate to waste any time that I could be with him on the weekends. I have a feeling - no, I know - that if I go to bed right now I won't sleep very long - probably only until about 7 - and he won't be up that early.

Good news is that I didn't have any panic attacks today. I was careful with my xanax usage so that I wouldn't - but didn't overdo it. I stayed within my comfortable range with it, but I have to take 1mg more before I go to bed. God DAMN these muscle cramps. Always SOMETHING to make me panic. Grrr.

(Hmm...back to the lactic acid thing - that would explain why it felt like I did 1,000 crunches on Superbowl Sunday - just from jumping up and down when I was watching the game. )

Short Decaf is already asleep - so he'll be up early, too. I need to take a shower and not make any noise that will wake him up before I go to bed. That's going to be hard since his room is right next to the bathroom - and if he wakes up and calls for me and I don't answer he'll start crying. *sigh*

Just want to send a shout out to AWH...FUCK YOU MOTHER BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU FOR STRESSING OUT VENTI!!!!!!

Whew. That felt good.

I watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics tonight. I always feel compelled to watch it, but then lose interest in it as it seems to drag on and on. Venti fell asleep in the midst of it. Yeah, it was pretty boring. I can't wait for the figure-skating and the skiing, though. :) Oh - and the snowboarding - THAT'S what I'm really looking forward to the most! :) I'm so glad they're putting those on during Prime Time and not at like 3am or something ridiculous like that.

Oh - another diet-related issue. I have a big-ass bruise on my calf. I read that bruising means you're not getting Vitamin C. Shit. Another supplement I don't know how to use. I really wish I had a family doctor to talk to about this shit.

I've decided to 'fire' my panic doctor. Not my therapist, but the one with "prescriptive authority." I've heard from two of her patients now, and things aren't sounding good. One guy told me to just NOT see her again, and another said that "yeah - she seems kind of off lately." I agree. I just don't need some moody bitch fucking with my panic disorder - because I do enough of that for myself already! But, MAN do I like my psychologist. He's cool. He hasn't helped me much so far - well, hasn't helped me at all really - but he did get me in to see the massage therapist so he's the BEST in my book!

Okay, so is tomorrow (Saturday) going to be a cheat day or not? I just don't know at this point. I had been plateauing at a certain weight for more than a week, but then these past two days I lost a pound each day. Going off the plan will really fuck with that - and I don't really feel like cheating...I just want these goddamn cramps to go away. I don't want to see the scale say I gained five pounds after a 2 day carb binge (not that I'd pig out) - either.

Well...that's my rant.

Wednesday Morning

Thank you.

JJ....JJ......JJ....

JJ the Jet Plane. I've been hearing this for hours now ever since Short Decaf has been watching On Demand. This could quite possibly be why I have panic attacks. Who the hell wouldn't listening to kids shows all day and night?

I'm so tired. I stopped taking Lexapro on Sunday and so that's two days without any. It's really messing with my head and giving me anxiety-type symptoms for withdrawal. Lovely. I think I'll be better off without it, though. I should certainly be able to better lose weight. I hope that's the case, anyway.

Oh, hey - 5 1/2 weeks until Spring - so there's something to look forward to.

My sister and her husband...AND my brother & his wife are on a white sandy beach in the Bahamas right now working on their tans. I'm so jealous. I know that the plane ride would make me panic, but I know once I got there and was just a few sips into my first funky-fruity drink I'd be just fine. Reeeeally fine. Why does she get to go on real vacations and I don't? It's just not fair. :( I want a vacation so bad. :(

I wonder if I've ever actually had a real vacation? Pretty much seems like the most I've ever done is the econo-version of a "vacation"...you know...drive FOREVER and get to a crowded, dirty beach and pretend that it's everything you needed to FINALLY be able to relax...knowing full well you are totally full of shit. And, no - driving across the country was not a vacation at all...it was hard work being crammed into the car with 3 kids and a cat for a week.

So. My diet isn't going all that well right now. Day 35 of no cheating is behind me, and although I was very, very good the past three days I gained 1 1/2 pounds for some fucked up reason. I don't have any clue how a person can lose 20 pounds and feel fatter than they ever have before. I want to cheat SO badly, but I haven't. If I keep gaining I will cheat and then go back on the diet because - what the hell, maybe it will break the cycle of gaining or plateauing. I'll give it another day or two though, first.

Man, I feel like shit. I'm not tired enough to go to bed and sleep well, I'm too tired to do anything productive, I feel like I've done 1,000 crunches from all the jumping up and down I did during the Superbowl (all for naught as the Seahawks lost - unfairly, too), I'm anxious and have a lot of tension in my chest (why can't massage therapists be free and on-call?), it's early in the week, and on it goes.

Here are my picks for "the planet has gone to shit and you have to be on a desert island with 3 men and you really want to be both sexually fulfilled AND entertained while repopulating the planet".... these are in order from 1st to last.


Colin Firth

I'm not sure why. I also didn't know he was a "heart throb" in England - but I don't care. He's just fucking hot...something required in a guy who I plan on being stuck with for a while. Because, of course, I only know his character from a few movies - and most loved in Love, Actually - I would say he'd be the best at all-around likeability - pretty great sex - funny, and a great conversationalist. I mean, he's got that accent going for him, and he USES his eyes. This guy is the complete package.



Bradley Whitford

Known basically from his role on The West Wing...he's smart, funny, REALLY funny, quick-witted, and totally looks hot. I probably wouldn't have sex with him as often as the guy above, but when I did it would be excellent sex, not better, just different.

Hmm...noticing a few similarities between these two guys. Clothing style, hair style, chin thing, etc.

Unfortunately, I'm having a terrible time coming up with the third guy. I thought, and thought, and finally just caved and said Brad Pitt, but I know that wouldn't work. I thought that - of course - John Cusak would be great, but he's so moody and has been a star since he was a kid so he's probably a real pompous ass in real life, pretty much not grounded in reality all that much - and I think the dark-broody thing would get old pretty quickly. I also think the sex would suck. No clue why I think that. I briefly thought of Will Smith, but then thought that he would have similar problems like John Cusak - along with being obnoxiously funny all the time, and a not-so-great lover. Again, I don't know why. Brad Pitt - and then, of course, Ben Affleck - both eye candy who wouldn't really do much for me in the mind department, but they both look great, and I can imagine sex with either of them would be decent. Well - Brad better than Ben.

I am seriously having trouble coming up with that damn third guy!!! What's wrong with me?? Oh, hell - how about Johnny Depp? Let's find a picture of him...

Johnny Depp

Okay, this makes sense to me. He's totally different than my first two guys - would be hellish cool to hang out with - and a refreshing break when things needed to be lightened up.

Besides...if you are gonna be stranded on an island - he's got that whole Pirates of the Carribean thing going for him.

I imagine sex with him would be most excellent, but that's about it...no mind-blowing conversations or great romance... - so yeah, my order still stands.

You know...I think - when a woman thinks up an answer to a question like this - she almost has to say to herself "who would touch me the softest and make me cum the hardest?" That sounds totally slutty - but hey, I'm stuck with these guys for years and years - I better be asking myself the right questions, right? And there's no way there's going to be any intense orgasm with some space-pod eye-candy dude who can't hold a conversation deeper than how the salt air is making his hair foofy. And do I really want to create children with guys who suck at sex? Get that shit out of the gene pool!

Hmmm...I just realized that all these guys are much older than me. I wonder what that says about me? Colin Firth is 46, Bradley Whitford is 47, and Johnny Depp is 43. I guess I like mature guys? Another instance of "I don't know why."

So, okay, you now have my official "desert island" list - and yes, I am taking into consideration that I don't know these people at all - and that I'm going by the characters I've seen them portray.

Shit. 3:15am and I'm still not sleepy - but now I'm anxious. What the hell am I going to do now that I've run out of things to say AND embarrassingly laid out (no pun intended) all of this desert island shit in my blog?

Facing a Phobia

Well, I just exercised on purpose for the first time in - I think - six years. I walked a mile to a DVD called Walk Away the Pounds. I got through the whole mile, but it was a little challenging - and I didn't panic at all during it. I am, however, quite anxious now. I have been done with the damn thing for an hour now and I guess if I was going to drop over it would have happened by now. God damn I hate phobias and fears. I KNOW my heart is fine, and I've had a ton of tests on it to prove that - even ran like a fiend in front of 3 old cardiologists about 2 years ago - or maybe it wasn't that long ago - more like a year and a half? I don't know - but I can't imagine that much has changed in the health of my heart since then - and all my doctors say to start walking - so I have. I did. I am just anxious about it.

This is part of my therapy, though. The psychologist wants me to exercise to get my heart rate elevated so that I can get used to the fact that my heart can speed up and that doesn't mean anything bad. Okay - that sounds easy enough, but then why am I so fucking anxious???

Not to sound idiotic or anything - or embarrass Venti at all, but he and I can have some pretty damn athletic sex that lasts longer than the DVD I just did - and I don't panic after that! (Usually.) So why am I anxious now? What's the difference?

Frame of mind - thoughts I'm putting to feelings I suppose.

I just hope I can keep doing this video, see that it gets easier, and see that it doesn't kill me.

Thankfully Grande Decaf did the DVD with me. I was happy he was there because even he got winded a little, and there's nobody in this house who is in better shape than him.

Okay, really need to get over the anxiety of this. It's been - like I said - more than an hour. The only thing that hurts is my calf muscles (and I LOVE that feeling.) My chest is fine. My pulse is at my normal rate again. I had no pain during the DVD - no pain afterwards - just a few skipped beats when I was checking my pulse (but I think that was from being anxious about it.)

It was kind of cool to actually break a sweat, though. I can't wait until I can do the DVD without it feeling like a total workout. I was reading on a message board that this one lady gave her SEVENTY YEAR OLD mother the 1 mile DVD because her doctor told her to walk a mile. Now...if some 70-year-old lady can do it - I can do it. I'm less than half her age. I'm perfectly healthy other than being overweight.

Damn. I fucking hate anxiety. But at least I did the DVD. I did not waste the money. I walked a mile. I walked a mile. I walked a mile!!! :) Very happy about that - even if I am scared about it. Oh, and just for reference - it took 24 minutes. 2.5 miles per hour.

Hopefully I will be able to do this DVD 3 times a week and then work up to every day. I just really, really don't want to panic like this every single goddamned time I do it. That will get old very, very fast.

Dark Circles

I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like crap - but I wonder what dark circles come from. I sleep enough, but I don't get restful sleep very often. Maybe that's it. I've been majorly stressed about my sister's husband's Army National Guard unit getting activated. Maybe that's it. I've been having a lot of anxiety from changing the way I eat - it's been 30 days of low-carbing and my body still isn't used to it. Maybe that's it. Ever worried about money. Could it be that? Maybe it's all of those things...plus a thousand other thoughts/worries/fears that go through my mind at all times. Yeah...I'm guessing it's that.

That would be "life."

It Takes A Village

Old African Proverb. It takes a village to raise a child.

It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village.

Where is my goddamn village?

Nobody Is An Island (props)

During the Depression, there was plenty of poverty and misery. Jim Crow segregation viciously discriminated against peaceful, industrious, law-abiding citizens. The very face of the earth seemed turned against us, as the skies were darkened by the choking dust storms of the 1930s. People had many reasons to feel sorry for themselves. They call it the Depression because that's just exactly what it was. You know how you feel when you're depressed. Imagine how it is when the whole country gets that way at the same time.

But people connected with each other during the Depression. They had family and friends around them. Everybody was broke and so everybody was in the same boat. And as everyone who is poor knows, there is nobody who is more generous than another poor person. So people helped each other out. Not only with the physical necessities of life -- such as food, clothing and shelter -- but also with the spiritual and emotional necessities. It's pretty awful when you feel like you are all alone and the whole world is against you. Life is a lot easier when you are part of a network of friends and family, a community, a neighborhood.

--
RATIONALE: Social isolation is anxiogenic (causes anxiety) and may change the effects of anxiolytic drugs. (makes them not work as well.)
CONCLUSIONS: The lack of appropriate endocrinological changes challenges the concept of "isolation stress". However, isolation was anxiogenic in our study and it also induced subtle changes in the effects of chlordiazepoxide. It appears that mild daily stressors have a protective effect against the effects of isolation.

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Isolation stress can (a) increase plasma epinephrine levels (that's adrenaline)

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Edna St. Vincent Millay: "My candle burns at both ends/It will not last the night."

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A husband who wants to console his wife, who feels burnt out and overwhelmed by her role as a stay-at-home-mother/wife, will tell her that "it takes a village...", and then he goes away to his "village" where he gets emotional, spiritual, and intellectual support (and stimulation) while his wife is still sitting at home, which is nothing at all like a village, but more like an isolation cell.

--

I know what I used to be. I am not much like a Mexican Jumping Bean put between the jaws of a clamp, which has been cranked down so tightly that it cannot possibly jump any longer, yet it is completely aware that it USED to be able to jump. Cruelty. I cannot think of many things worse to have happen to a person.

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Our biggest problems arise from the fact that we have not only lost the way, but we have lost the address (Nicolai Berdyaev).

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It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature, which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.--C.S. Lewis, 'The Weight of Glory', Screwtape Proposes a Toast, Collins: London, 1965, p.109. [172]

--
All of my lines are broken...Sociologists talk about 'social networks'. Your social network consists of everyone you know. Imagine a set of points some of which are joined by lines. The points are people, or sometimes groups, and the lines tell you who interacts with whom. Each person is in touch with a number of others, some of whom may know each other. There is no common boundary to the network (unless a tribe in Papua New Guinea hasn't been discovered yet!).

In modern industrial societies people move further away from their 'home town' or childhood village, and they move more often. Social networks therefore replace 'communities'. We know more people more superficially. As we move house (on the average every 3-5 years in some middle class suburbs) we leave friends behind and are sometimes hesitant to make close friends in the new location, knowing we'll have to leave them soon too. So marriage is becoming more important to satisfy needs some of which would be met by the wider community in traditional cultures. But the 'catch 22' here is that marriage is becoming more fragile, due to the disintegration of societal values. This is the terrible price we pay for a flexible economic system.

--

Now there's good news and bad news here. Individuals and families ought to have boundaries - physical, material, emotional - and others ought to respect those boundaries. Indeed, boundaries define us, in many ways. They tell us and others 'what is me and what is not me'. My fence tells me where my property begins and ends. My skin does the same thing for my body. Words do it in communication - particularly the word 'No!' which helps others understand that you exist apart from them, and that 'I am in control of me'. Taking time off from involvement with people or projects helps you gain control of your own time-program. Emotionally, we need some privacy, particularly when someone else wants to abuse us: because we fear being alone we permit another to invade our personal space. We may have to separate ourselves from that person for a time to regain our emotional strength. And we must learn that the abusive 'invader' is not the only source of love and intimacy in the world: we need to selectively 'expose' ourselves to others as well.

For many humans, the desire to help others is a subtle (perhaps unconscious) ploy to invade their space to satisfy some of our own needs. We 'need to be needed'. The love we give is 'need love' not 'gift love'. Was it Thoreau who said 'When you see someone coming towards you with the obvious intent of doing you good run for your life'? And C S Lewis wrote about a lady who 'went around doing good: you could tell those she did good to by their hunted look.' Many people-helpers want to be 'little messiahs', saving everyone from themselves.

I Miss Friends

It's only Thursday morning, but Thursday's used to be Friends night. Now all TV sucks, and especially since I found out on Sunday that they're cancelling The West Wing. Fuckers. Well, I guess we'll finally get to see if Josh and Donna get together. They damn well better.

The only other thing worth watching on TV, really, is The Office. I never saw the British version of it, but I surely do love this one. I can't believe how much I laugh at that show - it's so totally different - the looks the characters give the camera are just priceless. Very funny. Five Stars.

I've been watching American Idol, too. Still can't stop thinking that Simon Cowell is cute. I really like men who laugh and ... well, okay, stuck up a little bit. (so sue me.) Oh - yeah, I was just reminded of another guy that fits that bill - he was in ... shit, what movie was that - ..... some Christmas movie with Hugh Grant...(off to imdb.com I go....) Love, Actually. Yeah, that was it. The dude's name is Colin Firth.

I swear to God Short Decaf's little toy dump truck is possessed. You have to push a button or something to make it make these horrible noises, and three times tonight it's just decided to go off on it's own. It's freaking me out and pissing me off. I hate the sound of shrill little toys. Grrr. I think his Aunt got this one for him. Aren't aunties just wooooonderful??

So, anyway - I'm back down to 5mg of Lexapro. I just could not handle going up in dose. I don't know how I'll handle that with the PNP, but I doubt she'll be mad. Maybe there's a better medicine out there for me? I just don't know what to do about it.

I've finally lost a few pounds, too - putting my total at 10. I am feeling pretty good about that, and hoping that the scale is kind in the morning when I approach it once again.

Grande FINALLY allowed me to cut his hair. He really, really needed it. I just trimmed it, and thinned it, and okay - made it so I can see his eyes, but really .... I didn't take much off. He had a HUGE head of hair and we could NEVER see his eyes. Ever. It was starting to get creepy.

Well, I guess our town just got a little less small. Well - in 2 1/2 hours anyway. In 2 1/2 hours Home Depot will be having their Grand Opening. yee. haw. I'm not a fan, but Venti sure fucking loves that store. Wal-Mart will be opening their doors at the end of the month. There goes the neighborhood. And, although not an ugly Wal-Mart, I still don't know if I'll be able to step foot in it. It just reminds me of....'scummy'. Big gnarly packs of people clogging the aisles trying to save a quarter on bar soap....or scrambling to reach the bin of plastic lawn ornaments shapes like bees - complete with spinning wings. (puke puke puke)

I. Am. So. Tired.

So, Venti is taking some sort of class at work. Yeah, they pay for it. Yeah, he gets a certificate or something if he passes the exam. I'm sure he will. He's pretty damn smart. I think I'm jealous that he gets to take classes. Of course, I'm too panicky to sit in a roomful of people and take a class. I'll get over that someday, though.

My sweet, adorable, perfect Short Decaf is going to be three years old next week. How is that possible? Didn't I JUST give birth to him? I want to go to the grocery store and order him a really, really cute cake. He's going to love the candles. I don't know what presents to get him (other than his first birthday-underwear LOL.) Only a mom. Geez.

Tall Decaf doesn't seem to be doing much lately. He's reading a book called Ritual,
a book that examines the reasons for having all the various Celtic festival rituals and the traditions surrounding them, along with the framework for having Druid rituals to begin with. (yeah, I didn't write that.) I think the next thing he wants to get more knowledgeable on is Ogham. (Ogham is sometimes referred to as the "Celtic Tree Alphabet.") He's such a good kid - and I am totally interested in helping him develop whatever interests he's got. As long as it's not another fucking video game.

I think I might try my hand at making my own infused oils (for cooking.) They're so expensive to buy, but maybe I could make some decent ones for less. Although, I want to use olive oil and that's not inexpensive at all. I need SOME sort of hobby!!!! Why do they all seem to cost money? I really, really ought to make exercise my hobby. Get off my fat butt and "just do it."

Well - that's all I've got...still wish Friends would be on tonight ... but at least The Office will be. I think.

Monday Is Over

I hate Monday's. Weekends are too short. I am being obvious. Ugh.

Haven't lost any weight at all in the past five days, and it's looking like tomorrow will be another non-losing day. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it, otherwise I'll go off the diet completely.

The visits I had regarding my panic disorder over the weekend went pretty well. I'm not exactly sure what the psychologist wants me to do - I think he was just basically getting to know me. He didn't get to know much about me, but I did give him my website's URL - so now he'll know the whole story. The only thing I recall him wanting me to do was to exercise a little so I could start learning to not associate an elevated heart rate with a panic attack every time. Not as easy as it sounds.

The med check went well...Longest one of those I've ever had. She increased my Lexapro and is going to help me cut back on Xanax. I'll be glad if I can get to the point where I only take it as needed. I have to take 7.5mg of Lexapro for a week and then go to 10mg for a week and see how that ends up working out for me. I am having SERIOUS dosage increase anxiety. It's a total bitch that the startup side effects of these medicines that treat anxiety are...You guessed it...Anxiety. Lovely. I've been a total wreck, but I think that for the most part I'm hiding it pretty well. I hope, anyway.

We're now putting the whole house thing on the back burner while we fix some things on our credit. We only need five thousand dollars and we'll be in excellent shape credit-wise. Well, not excellent, but enough to get us a 100% loan at a more reasonable rate. I think we need $4,000 for fixing our credit and $1,000 for actual buying the house money. I just hope that in a few months when we've accomplished this that there are some decent priced - and nice - houses available. If not, I suppose we'll just wait until the right one comes along and by then we'll have even more saved up. Might have to move into an apartment for a few months - but that's okay. It sucks, it's the hard way, but in the long run it will pay off.

Now, how to make the $5,000. Maybe I can get my book that's 75% finished published. I'll have to work on that. I have my doubts, though. I hear it's hard to get published when you're not a "certified expert" in the field that you're writing about. How fucking retarded is that for a book like mine? It's personal experience...that should qualify me for a good publishing contract.

Okey dokey...gettin tired now. 2 AM - gee, wonder why? Short's already in bed after being lulled to sleep to the Thomas the Tank Engine show. That's such a mellow show for kids to watch - I love it for that reason - AND the fact that George Carlin does the narration. He's fucking hilarious.

Mid-Week Blah

It's 2:30 on Thursday morning. Yesterday went pretty fast, and I was down another pound so that was good. I was really anxious for some reason, though. PMS probably. Short Decaf is watching the Carebear's Movie. I swear I never thought in a million years I would purposely put a Carebear's movie on my television, yet there it is in all it's idiocy entertaining my 2-year-old.

I cut Tall's hair last night - fucked it up pretty bad, but he seems to like it. I was bummed because when i cut it he seemed taller afterwards. :( I measured his height tonight and he's 5'9". I guess that's right on track for a 14 1/2 year old boy? I dunno. He's still taller than his older brother, which makes me wonder how tall Grande is going to end up being. When do boys stop growing taller, I wonder?

I should go to bed, but I ate something at 2 AM and don't ever feel good if I go to bed after I've eaten, so now I have to wait. I guess it's like waiting an hour before jumping in the pool after you've eaten. heh.

I'm not sure how things are looking with getting the loan for that house we really want. I think they're starting to look a tad dimmer - that's the impression I get, but I guess we'll know more today. The guy, Morgan, said that we'd know everything we needed to know yesterday - but that didn't happen. I hate when people over-promise and under-deliver. I hate when I do it, but I especially hate when other people do it. I just pisses me off.

Note to anyone on the Atkins diet...you WILL have to floss A LOT. (Just a random thought.)

Speaking of flossing a lot...it's getting awfully damn close to my dentist appointment on Saturday. I am SO not looking forward to that. I also have an appointment with the new therapist and the new med doctor on the same day - so it's going to be a busy three hours. At least it will all get done in one afternoon, I suppose. I'm sure Venti isn't looking forward to sitting around watching me get mentally examined for 2 hours and then sitting in a dentist's waiting room for an hour. Poor guy. Maybe he can score some free wireless off of somewhere and do some side-work. That'd be cool.

Damn, the movie is over. Now I have to find something not-too-loud to keep Short occupied. Maybe sleep? :) That's starting to sound good. NOW...if only the goddamn mother fucking answering machine in our bedroom doesn't wake me the fuck up tomorrow morning at some ungodly hour - that'd be just great.

(I put Thomas the Tank Engine on....WHEW...saved by trains!)

Woah...just got hit with one of those waves of I'M TIRED!!!! I'm sure it will pass quickly.

Well, I'm gonna go explore the low-carb forums and check my email, maybe write in my journal, and as soon as Thomas is over - BED.

Not Much Progress

Well, six days ago I was down 7 pounds on my diet - and I've only lost another half of a pound. No clue what I'm doing wrong, but it's starting to piss me off. I guess I shouldn't be too pissed, though. At this rate I'd lose 15 pounds in one month. Not too shabby.

I think things are progressing on our buying a house. I'll know more tomorrow when the mortgage guy calls. We met him at his office and he gave us a free print-out of our credit history...more complete than I ever could have imagined. I don't have hideous credit, but it could stand to be cleaned up A LOT - that's for sure. If it was just a little better we'd get a lower interest rate, which would help tremendously.

We're looking at a house near a town called Keyport. I think that's a cool sounding name for a town. There is a subase there. Yes, it's subase, and not sub base. I don't know why. If we get this house we'd actually have a view of water - not anything fantastic - but like a small lake, but I'll take it!! The windows in the house are amazing, and if we can afford to remodel some things it could be a really, really incredible house some day.

Although, to be honest, I think it's adorable now.

Nothing else to report - seems I've been focused on house hunting and dieting, and that's about it.

Spot The Fake Smile

BBC - Science & Nature - Human Body and Mind - Spot The Fake Smile

(This takes about 5 minutes.) I got like 9 out of 20. The second time I got 19/20. Of course, it's the same test the second time, but I swear I didn't remember what I had selected before :)