I'm a Geek

The Deviant Geek You answered 80% of the questions as a geek truly would.

You're a geek and you know it. You've got all sorts of fringe hobbies and socially unacceptable tendencies. Chances are, whenever possible, you hate to be grouped with other people and sometimes go out of your way just to be different. You're smart too. You're more willing to depend on your own brainpower to solve problems, instead of relying on others to pull you through life. You probably read a lot, and generally enjoy learning new things. So what's it all mean? You may be considered by some to be uncool, but you probably don't care either. In social situations you may be either slightly passive or slightly loud (geeks always fall into the extremes). In a nutshell, you answered enough questions correctly supporting a geek philosophy to be considered a more potent geek than 60% of the population.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 74% on geekness

Link: The True Geek Test written by ambientred on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Last Posted in January?

That's sad. I know. Terrible. And I feel terrible about it, too. A thousand apologies to all who read this (Xeno), but life has really not afforded me the time to do much more than sleep occasionally when I'm not working.

Xeno, I am truly, truly very sorry to have heard of the things that have gone on in your life. I'm saddened that I've been absent when you needed me. I had no idea. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not knowing, and then I ask myself how could I have known? It doesn't make me feel better because I know I could have found the time to email. Endless apologies my friend, and I am always thinking about you.

What have I been up to? Well, thinking a lot about why I bother to continue to live in this country. I mean, England is a perfectly good country - why not live there, right? I think that I must live in an area right now that should be on maps as having big red arrows pointing to it that say "This is Where All the Fucked-up'edness Starts!" People here are awful and it just spreads westward and overtakes the country. Are there no good places left here? Have we finally fucked every last square mile of this country? I'm sure we have. Bush politics make me ill. The Locals are assholes - and by Locals I mean everyone in this country. Myself included. The nicest people I know are those that run the Indian restaurant that I like (not love) going to. This is the only place I can think of where the people take pride in their work, welcome you through their doors, and honest-to-God like children (and not just pretend to like them to get a better tip.)

Am I bothered that there are no female wait staff? You know, I've thought about that. Not a whole lot, but yeah - I've thought about it. You know what? No, I'm not bothered by it at all. I wish I was a part of it sometimes. It seems like there are clearcut guides for what is, and what isn't, and there is so little of that in my own life. Without any boundaries, you either go apeshit and derail, or you don't move an inch. I'm not moving an inch AND I'm derailing. How does that happen?

So, the plan is to move back to the Seattle area in January. Nothing could excite me more.

At this point on the out of control derailing that my life is - who fucking cares where I live? Uhm - nobody actually cares. Not even me. Let's compare: Northern Virginia...no friends, assholes everywhere, shitty weather. Seattle...no friends, assholes everywhere, shitty weather. I'd make a great Real Estate agent, wouldn't I? My only reason for saying "Oh Gosh, yes, let's just hurry and move to Seattle!!!" is so that my children will be as far as possible from this uptight, black & tan, nose in the air, cultureless, .... shit. I'm describing Seattle, too. Maybe there's a more culture and diversity among people there, though. I'm doubting it. What was once Generica in each town - now covers both coasts. New neighborhoods - each one with a Target, Starbucks, Bath, Bed & Beyond, and Old Navy, token pizza joint, Blockbuster, approximately 3 ethnic restaurants (one a Chinese Food Buffet), and the ever present Home Depot. I could take a few horse tranquilizers and be hauled off to Seattle, and when my eyes opened the only thing that would tell me I'm there is that there would be mountains instead of hills.

And my 2 year old would still scream his head off all the time. Boy oh boy is the drive across country gonna be a hoot.

So. I earn a lot of money now. I drive (in) a Mercedes. I live in a 1/3 million dollar home. My shoes are from Nordstrom. My purse is Coach. Hell, I even have boutique panties. You know you have pulled your ass out of poverty when it's covered in expensive underwear.

And yet I am not happy. Why, you may (not) ask? Who the fuck knows. My life is missing something, and I wonder if it always will be. I am still completely phobic of driving. I can barely drive 2 blocks without thinking I'm going to die. I might want to work on that, but what psychologist stays open until 7 PM - which is when I can get to one? Uhm...none. Their asses are covered in expensive underwear, too. They don't have to keep longer hours.

I'm such a fraud. My life is a fraud. Maybe my panic attacks would go away if I could figure out how to untangle myself from this mess and be who I really am. Maybe a tangled up mess IS what I really am, though.

I have been extremely sick to my stomach since last Tuesday when my boss yelled in front of me, it's Saturday now and I finally feel better. Tonight I am going to go out to an Indian restaurant and I will enjoy the whole goddamn experience, no matter how many xanax I have to take. (And fuck you for judging me, especially those of you who have a few drinks with your dinner.) No, I will not be taking the 2 year old, because I need a break from being humiliated in restaurants from his endless screaming. Venti and I have somewhat different parenting styles so my terseness is bottled up at all times, while he tries to reason with this 26 month old person. My head could explode. I wouldn't be surprised. Relieved, maybe. Surprised, not at all.

Although I have 3 children, I really don't think I'm cut out to be a mother. I don't think it comes naturally to me, and I am utterly ashamed of that. Or maybe it's a bit less than utterly ashamed. I don't know. Is it so wrong to not have motherhood come naturally to you?

Anyway, it's Saturday, as I've said, and I should be doing something menial (almost wrote mental) such as laundry - so I guess I'll go do that now.

Again, I am sorry Xeno.

Blind Wino - Do Ye Breathe Fire or No?

Blind Wino Predictions for 2005

Blind Wino - Do Ye Breathe Fire or No?

* Abstinence-only education to replace biology, chemistry, and physics in all public schools.

* Bush administration takes Social Security to Las Vegas, puts it all on black. Morality Czar William Bennett drunkenly calls American people at three in the morning and apologizes for losing the country. Is then awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

* As this is a Christian nation built on the rule of God, Ten Commandments posted in every bathroom stall nationwide, along with a sweaty picture of Jerry Falwell and a 1-800 number advertising "hot Christian love."

* Media finally gives up illusion of objectivity and saves money by constructing anchor-robots to read press releases from White House.

* Due to declining dollar and skyrocketing national debt, Lincoln Memorial put up for sale and is purchased by an old Hungarian widow for fifty Forints. It becomes a pretty good goulash stand.

* McDonalds goes all the way and launches "I'm a fat, selfish dick and I'll shoot you in the face if you touch my hamburger" ad campaign. Sales, obesity, and gunshot wounds enjoy gains throughout each fiscal quarter.

* Outraged citizens push FCC to ban Monday Night Football from using the terms, "endzone," "tight end," and "ball." And because it promotes the homosexual agenda, quarterback no longer able to put hands between legs of center. Football now passed face to face with a manly handshake.

* Combined forces of US and Iraqi armies finally defeat the Iraqi insurgency. A new, democratic Iraq emerges and becomes a beacon of freedom in Middle East, ushering in a Golden Era of Democracy that spreads to all nations in the region. Tooth Fairy elected president of Iran, Easter Bunny to head Syrian parliament.

* Bush forgets to turn off microphone and is caught referring to Kim Jong Il as that "fat little gook," resulting in North Korea nuking Boston, New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. Republican attack machine blames Kerry's war record and gay marriage, but is obviously pleased to be rid of Democratic strongholds. Kim Jong Il awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom. Random Asian assigned to head Department of National Intelligence.

* Running on the issue of "values," Adolph Hitler's corpse elected Governor of Oklahoma.

* Ford launches the Remasculator SUV truck series, based on the 100,000,000-ton supertractor that pulls the space shuttle to its launching pad. Takes up entire parking lots and gets one mile to the gallon. #1 seller among suburban women because it "feels safe." Recalled in 2006 for exploding back seats, breakaway steering wheels, and chlorine gas leaks.

* Bill O'Reilly shows cock and balls to national audience. Is subsequently awarded a Peabody and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Keyhole

I just saw this on Google's site tonight...my luck it's been there for months and I'm just now seeing it but DAMN this is some cool shit!! And free for 7 days with no 'ya gotta give us your credit card' bullshit.

Google is always just the coolest. (Also cool for making my website number 9 in its ranks for 'panic attacks'!)

Keyhole

That's Just Overkill

I think that I used the word "suck" - or some derivation of it - too many times last night. I was reading over what I'd written just a few minutes ago and all I could focus on was how many times I said something sucks, sucked, or did suck. That's a really dumb word, especially if you say it or read it over and over again. I guess you really can go overkill on the suckage.

I believe that two New Years resolutions are colliding out there in the Universe and it's directly and negatively affecting me. First, the one where people want to lose weight and the second, the one where they want to spend less money. The combination is not boding well for me since I'm attempting to sell yoga stuff on eBay. What I can only assume must qualify as "some dude" bought my teenage sons' offcast DVD of a bunch of car wrecks. "Over 150 Vehicles Wrecked!" was my selling point and I guess it appealed to the dude because he bought it less than 12 hours after I'd listed it. Thus, my hopes rose way too high that my yoga stuff would sell, too. I quickly learned (like 24 hours later) that this would not be so. Fuckin' resolutions.

How many people can say that they have a small plastic polar bear sitting on top of a jar of vitamin C face cream on their desk? Not many, if any, I'd bet. I am oh so unique. What's really sad is - remember that bag of animal crackers I was talking about in my last post? It's still there and yes, you guessed it, the poor little plastic polar bear is sitting right next to it - and I suppose if he could think, he'd be going "Oh SHIT!! Look what happened to those guys!!!"

Heh. If only he knew that his fate would be much worse than that of now-going-stale animal crackers. He will probably, in his lifetime, get swatted around by a cat, chewed on by a toddler, sucked a very minimum of five times in a vacuum cleaner, stepped on repeatedly (followed by loud foul words that enter his ears before he's kicked across the room), and most likely end up under the stove along with a dozen other little toys that now qualify as "cat toys." He will seriously wish that he'd have been eaten and washed down with a decaffeinated Coke.

Why DO cats think that every protective ring from the top of a milk jug gives up the title of "protective ring" and assumes the new title of "cat toy" immediately upon its' removal from the jug? I bet there are a couple dozen of those damn things under my stove and refrigerator. Ah, what do I care....we rent.

I got hypnotized today. For real. I downloaded an mp3 that was 30 minutes long and when I was done I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. When I got up to walk across the room after it was over, I actually walked as if I'd just woken up from a good 8 hour sleep. Sort of like a bumble bee path over to the sink, but I didn't care. I didn't have one ounce of anxiety in my body. That sensation lasted a whole 7 minutes, which in my book is pretty damn good.

Did you know that relaxing all of your muscles all the way can really fucking hurt? It's been 15 hours and I still need advil - which I forgot to mention when we were at the grocery store tonight. Oops.

I did something really bad tonight. A couple of posts ago I quoted a scene from the movie Garden State, and then tonight I was emailing my sister and I actually used some of the words as my own. I'm such a shmuck. I still think it counts as creative writing, though. I mean - okay, so I didn't come up with the words - but I was creative enough to use them as my own and that has to count for something. It's like, lateral creative writing. Or plagiarism. Think what you will. Now I just have to hope she never watches that movie.

Speaking of plagiarism...my ex and I are scheduled to be in a court room 30 hours from now. Well, not a court room, but a 'hearing room'. We'll be under oath and I'm sure he'll lie. That's not plagiarism is it, though - what is that? Perjury, right, right. I should have remembered that easily since he perjured himself the last time he was in that room. Dick. (That's his name.)

I wish it was 34 hours from now. I don't want to go to that hearing, mostly because I always feel so diminutive when I'm sitting near him. I clam up, feel nauseated, like I'm 15 years old and as if I don't have an original thought in my head. I find it hard to form sentences, make my point, or speak up. Man, what an incredibly thin line there is between love and hate, huh? So many similarities.

Holy SHIT...I love google. Thank you google for pointing me to Blogger. And now thank you Google for pointing me to Keyhole!!! How fucking cool is THAT? http://www.keyhole.com/ So cool I'm going to make it a whole separate entry in my blog - now that's cool.

4:01 A.M. I have so much to say and yet my fingers already hurt from typing for most of the past 16 hours.

I am happy that I used the word "suck" less in this entry, though. Although - damn - through all of my explaining and babbling about the word I probably ended up using it even more. Duh.

You know what's funny? If you do a spellcheck of the Blogger draft you're working on, it tells you that there is no such word as Blogger, Google, or blog. That's fucking hilarious.

Just Messing Around Lately

I've been messing around with a lot of things for a little bit lately. I've spent more time in Photoshop in the last 2 weeks than I probably did, cumulatively, in all of 2003 and 2004. I used to love Photoshop and maybe I'm starting to like designing images again. One can wonder.

My sister pissed me off so I dabbled in "just...let it go......" type thinking for a few days. It's going pretty well, actually. Initially I had a severe panic attack after she was a wench about something, but I think I've handled the aftershocks a lot better than I used to.

I had gotten a picture frame from my son for my birthday. It's been sitting around just looking very pretty for about 2 1/2 months. I finally got around to putting a picture in it - I picked one of my family - everyone in my family except for me, my husband and my kids. (Nice of my family to do an "OH, let's all get together and get a picture taken!!!" thing and not ask my family to come, huh? Anyway, so I have this picture framed now and it's on my desk - I put in near my keyboard because oh how sweet and all, right? Well, I knocked it over several times. Further proof that my family is ALWAYS getting in my way.

I've been rediscovering animal crackers. You know, they aren't as dry and tasteless as I thought they'd be. I'd been avoiding them for several years but got Short Decaf a big bag of them, and life being what it is - we were snackless in the house and all that was around was the big bag of animal crackers. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, they don't suck.

After 2 1/4 years, my living room furniture is FINALLY arranged "right." Man - took long enough to figure THAT one out. We have weird walls, weird angles in the architecture.

I've revisited selling crap on eBay. I listed three things yesterday and already sold one of them. How cool am I? But you know what I hate? I hate how it takes three to five days to transfer money from Paypal to your bank account. I mean, come on. Really. They can zap my debit card spending right to the fucking bank website but it takes nearly a week to put money in? Banks suck.

I still haven't told my family that we're planning on moving across the country in like, 8 1/2 months. They're going to flip the fuck out on me. (sigh) So - I've been messing around with excuses for my moving lately and I can't come up with anything that is better than the truth. It sucks here, it doesn't suck there. I know nobody here - I know people there. My family is a bunch of idiots, perhaps one exception, and Venti's family on the west coast doesn't suck. No culture here, lots of culture there. No mountains here, mountains and trees and water and wonderful natural stuff there. Not a hard choice. Well, you'd think not, anyway.

Do not ever waste your money on Omaha Steaks crap. The food is not THAT good and it's overpriced by like 500%. I'm serious. Like $18 for a steak the size of a deck of cards that does NOT taste any better than a steak from Safeway. The packaging is excellent though - very nice sturdy boxes - but I still say stay the hell away from Omaha Steaks.

I love my husband. And not just because he made my dining room zen again.

If I hit the lottery bigtime, the first thing I'd buy would be an excellent laptop - then I'd leave my house and get a hotel suite at like - the Wyndham or something. Someplace I could stay for a few weeks while I spent sickening amounts of money, like a $300 haircut. I'd rent a Hummer just to piss people off. A real one - not one of those H2 pussy-Hummers. Oh, I'd never go back to my house either - I'd hire some people to "deal with it." I'd also hire a nanny and a few months later, a personal trainer, housekeeper, and a cook. I would never, ever, wash another dish, or do laundry again. Ah...the joy of a good imagination. It would be my life's work to build up a life that would piss off my family as much as possible. That sounds mean - but you don't know my family. Would I give them any money? Yeah - I think I'd give everyone 150 grand and say 'that's it - ya ain't gettin' no more.' And I'd mean that. They do suck but not enough to totally kibosh giving them a chance at starting a better life. Yes, yes, I know - they'd blow it all at a casino somewhere or buy consumables. I bet not one of them would invest any of the money. (sigh again)

I'm too fucking nice.

It's ironic. I'm stressed out really badly about money. I mean, maximum stressification. So I'm selling my yoga stuff on ebay. Now that truly IS ironic.

I caved in and watched that "Who's Your Daddy" show. I picked the chick's dad out early on but then waffled - only to reassert who I thought the real dad was, I feel good about that. Like I won some stupid game. What a terrible premise for a show. I mean, how low can you get? Who's Your Daddy? That has sexual connotations. Gross, gross, tacky gross. Anyway, despite all of that - I bawled my eyes out anyway. I also watched the pilot episode of Medium - it didn't totally suck but I surely hope they pick up the pace and do a little better of a job in the future. Arquette was a great actress, though. She's cool. Is she sisters with that other Arquette chick that was in Pulp Fiction? I never liked her. I think she was in Desperately Seeking Susan - I didn't even like her in that.

Has Madonna ever made a non-suck-ass movie? Maybe Evita. It scares me how old she is and how old she looks. I mean God - get some plastic surgery already, you're making millions of people just feel....OLD.

Thursday is coming and I really wish it was already Friday. Thursday is going to suck. Well, unless I can scrape together the five bucks for a class that I want to go to on Thursday night, then it won't suck as bad.

I obviously have nothing of any consequence to say.

Chronogram - Bush for President

Chronogram - Bush for President: "However, I actually feel it's important that Bush be in the White House for the next four years (likely fewer) so that when the web of lies and crimes finally falls apart, he and his people are standing there holding the bag. If there is going to be any kind of national healing that comes in the wake of everything we've witnessed since the stolen election of 2000, the highly convenient September 11th 'intelligence failures,' and the resulting fraudulent wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, the resolution needs to happen in a visible way in which the people who are actually responsible are the ones held accountable.

Essentially, if Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and others clear out of Washington and head back to their posh corporate jobs and million-acre ranches, they got away with it.

We will lose an opportunity to bring the karma of what has happened to some kind of closure. We will lose an opportunity to take responsibility for allowing them to do what they did. We will lose an opportunity to face the effects of our mistakes and disinterest in politics and of our compulsion to believe lies. And those people who have ardently supported Bush and Cheney and their policies will lose an opportunity to watch - and feel - what happens when the lid is pulled off their scam. I have every faith that there will be reckoning, but only if Bush takes office again."

Knock it off!! I'm protected be-atch!

I got a reminder from my Yahoo! calendar yesterday about a class at Esoterica, a great little store in town. I could live in this store and not just because it always smells like sandalwood or sage, but because it feels very much like 'home' should feel.

The class reminder was a part of a series of classes and unfortunately I missed the first two, however, I called and of course it was no problem to sign up for it giving only 3 hours notice. (I love those people.) Since I was having a major panic attack all day (which is why I'm still awake) I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle being at a class full of people I didn't know for 3 whole hours. Venti drove me and we sat outside of the store (hot damn, we got a parking space on the street and didn't have to use the stupid garage.) When I say we sat outside of the store, I mean - for like 25 minutes.

Should I go? Shouldn't I? Am I too anxious or can I manage to pull this off? My anxiety increased the longer I sat there, chainsmoking and worrying so eventually - at 10 of, I asked Venti to go in with me just for a second - at least until I paid for the class. (Five bucks.) Kind of like a 'fuck it' attitude. I figured if I was going to be panicking all fucking night anyway, I might as well be doing something interesting at the same time.

Thank God Venti did go inside with me - they don't take plastic for anything under $15 and he had the cash. Thinking back, duh - I could have written a check. Anyway, he left right after that and I was going to wander around looking at crystals, statues, clothing, stones, books, etc., but instead I spotted a guy I'd spoken with the last time I was at the store, his name is Ron.

Ron and I stood outside and smoked and talked about his e-book about sex, handwriting analysis and my panic attacks until 7:30 (which was when the class actually started.) I told Ron, who reminds me so much of my dad - in personality, not appearance - that if I panicked during the class I was going to find him and he could maybe help me out. He laughed and said I'd be fine.

The class consisted of eight people, plus the instructor - who also happened to be my Reiki Master (the chick who taught me Reiki.) It was a bit bigger of a class than she (or I) had anticipated and so I made sure to sit right by the exit of the gazebo/classroom so I could bolt out into the store if I had a panic attack.

You should know that I am Wiccan, which makes me a witch (think what you will.) The class description was this...

Magickal Protection

Learn the different types of magickal protection as well as which
herbs, stones, candles, spells and amulets are recommended for
magickal protection. We will make a protective amulet during class.
Please bring a notebook or your BOS and something to write with. Class
is $5.00 per person.

I brought my brand spankin new BoS because I was NOT going to show up with a fucking legal pad and look like a dork. I've been Wiccan since 1997 and to not have a Book of Shadows is utterly ridiculous - so I emailed Venti at work and asked him to stop at Borders and pick up a big-ass black cloth-covered journal for me. Lined, of course. (He scored big, got me THE one I wanted for $6.)

So, as I said earlier, I was panicking the entire time we were learning about protective magick. I even wrote in my BoS - between "Burning candle down to water level..." and "Symbols I pressed into my amulet" DEAR UNIVERSE PLEASE TAKE THIS PANIC ATTACK AWAY. At one point, I bolted from my seat and went out into the store and there stood Ron, thank God. I said, "I can't do it, I'm panicking - can you tell?" He said not in my body, but in my eyes. So I took a deep breath, smiled, and went back in. At that point it was time to make the amulet out of this weird but really cool clay that stays soft until you bake it in an oven - or in this case, a toaster oven, for fifteen minutes. I made mine in the shape of a triangle with the Cho Ku Rei symbol on one side, and my personal symbol on the other. (It's a secret.) Before I shaped it, I mashed up Rosemary, Sage and Mugwort and kneaded it into the clay for more protective properties, punched a hole through it, gave it to Reiki Decaf, and jacks-a-donut, fifteen minutes later I had my amulet. I must say it's pretty cool.

While I was waiting for it to bake, I asked Reiki Decaf if it would be okay if I went and got a drink - she invited everyone to do the same thing, thank God. I took a xanax and hoped that because I hadn't eaten, it would work a helluva lot faster than usual - which, not surprisingly, it did. So - by the end of the evening, I had my amulet and I was oh-so-very mellow. How the FUCK come I couldn't be mellow enough to enjoy the class until it was over? UGH. At least I got printed out notes to take home so I could learn whatever I missed when I ran out of the gazebo panicking.

So, I'm going to next weeks workshop, too. That one ought to be really cool as well, and still - only five bucks.

Psychic Enhancement

Gain the knowledge and practice the skills that can enhance your
psychic ability. We will discuss the various types of psychic ability
as well as do some practical application exercises. Please bring a
notebook or your BOS and something to write with. Class is $5.00 per
person.

Now - that's going to be a REALLY rough one to make it to but I know I can pull it off. I have to drive for 2 ½ hours for a 10 A.M. court thing that only lasts ½ an hour, then drive the 2½ hours back home. I will NOT be a panicking mess for that class. If anything, I'll be a panicking mess for the court thing.

I panicked all day because it was the 4th year anniversary of my dad passing away quite suddenly, without warning, out of the blue, in his sleep. Very traumatic. I miss my dad. A lot.

Great Scene from "Garden State"

I love the TV show Scrubs, mostly the main guy - Dr. Dorian (sp?) and his mentor, the manic dude with the curly blonde hair - he's my favorite, fucking hilarious. ANYWAY, Zach Braff is the main guy and he wrote and directed a movie called Garden State which was pretty fucking excellent, I just watched it tonight.

I took the time to write out one of the scenes where he and Natalie Portman are in a pool having a conversation because he can't swim...

You know that point in your life that you realize that the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though have someplace you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

(she says - "I still feel at home in my house.")

You'll see one day when you move out - it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. It's like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist.

I mean, it's like this rite of passage - you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know - for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea.

You know, maybe that's all family really is...group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

No. Fucking. Shit. Bravo. Well said. Kudos. And the award goes to...Zach Braff.

Venti and I liked that scene a lot. For me it just so perfectly described how I feel in my life right now - or have for years and years. I could identify with his character pretty well, too - being so fogged up on antidepressants and tranquilizers that you can't feel anything at all anymore - not even pain.

It's Chrimmas

Well, it's officially Christmas - I think that's pretty awesome - however, don't seem to be as thrilled. My husband's (Venti) last blog entry was "I Hate All Holidays." and my good friend's last post was "Shove Your Holidays Up Your Ass" - so I think I'm in the minority.

I'm extremely excited to know that in about 8 hours I'll wake up and get to see how excited my kids are about their presents, I love all of it and plan to take a ton of pictures. No grinch here.

I still have to move a giant Spongebob balloon downstairs and also try to figure out how to wrap a filled aquarium, and although it's very small - it's already filled with water, gravel and of course - fish. I hope there aren't any floaters tomorrow. "Merry Christmas, your fish is dead." Not a good present for a 2 year old, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. So far they seem to be pretty hardy little dudes.

I'm all about Christmas...so bring it on...

What Is It About This Cereal?

I know I'm bored but is that any excuse to be sitting here thinking about how much my bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats looks like horsefeed? We used to buy stuff that looked exactly like this in giant 100 pound sacks for our horses when I was a kid, and now here I am, 30 years later - eating the stuff? There's just something disturbing about it, I think I need to go back to Lucky Charms.

I went to a website today where you make these plans to meet with other people who share your interests. I couldn't find anyone in my area so I made a new group for people with panic attacks who live in my town. It surely would be nice if someone actually joined the damn thing. Even one or two people would be great. I always thought that a support group for people with panic attacks and agoraphobia was quite ironic considering that agoraphobic people can't leave their homes without a 'safe person' - if at all, people with social anxiety have difficulty making a phone call - so how the hell does anyone GET to the meeting? It's kind of funny if you think about it. Anyway, I adjusted the group meeting place a bit at the website and said that we'd meet online first to figure out how to handle the meeting in real life issue. I think that will work. Now I just have to promote it and get people to join and TALK TO ME!!!!

You watch...Dave says our date for moving is September 1st - I'll bet you any amount of money I find some incredibly nice person with severe panic and agoraphobia who lives like, a block from my house, we'll become best friends and then our family will have to move. That- that right there is my luck.

Oh, MAN did my doctor piss me off today. I truly believe that physicians get kickbacks of some sort for prescribing certain medicines, and here's why. I felt a cold sore developing on my lip and I do NOT want a cold sore for Christmas, no way - they are nasty. So, I called my doctor's office and asked the front desk chick if my doctor could just call something into the pharmacy or did I have to go in for a visit? She said she'd see what she could do, and that my doctor was getting ready to walk out the door so she had to hurry. I called my pharmacy a few hours later and asked if there was a prescription for me, there was. I asked what it was, Valtrex.

VALTREX??? If you've watched TV in the last year you've seen the commercials for this medicine - the one where the chick has GENITAL herpes and is all happy, riding a bike, swinging on a swing, swimming and getting all rammy with a guy in the ocean? Yeah - THAT'S what she prescribed to me for a fucking cold sore. I read the list of side effects - no fucking way. All I wanted was the same goddamn cream that everyone in the world gets prescribed for them for cold sores - that shit really works, and ONLY on the cold sore - not throughout your entire system, and there's not a pound of paper's worth of side effects or warnings either.

I was so pissed. Anyway, why would she prescribe that? Why not prescribe the one that does NOT cost $230 for a typical course of treatment? The stuff I wanted and had before - which worked - costs $40. I have insurance so THAT would have been ten bucks, but the stuff she called in would have been a $35 copay. Yeah, she's sure as hell getting kickbacks of some sort. That just makes me sick.

Doesn't ALL of the advertising shit in your doctor's office just piss you off? You might not be getting the best medicine, just the most-heavily pushed by the pharmaceutical reps medicine. You sign in with a Lexapro pen, you weigh in on a Zocor scale, there are pharmaceutical calendars, clocks, note pads, and even exam table covers - it's everywhere! I think there ought to be a fucking law against that shit. When I went to see my panic doctor, he had a really nice clock on his desk...Upon further inspection I noticed it said "Xanax XR" on it...guess what he prescribed to me? Xanax XR. Yeah, like he's not getting SOMETHING out of that. Right.

Anyway, so now I've got two little cold sores that I'm treating with $15 Abreva (non prescription) and I hope, I hope, I HOPE these damn things don't get all nasty looking because I was HOPING to take some Christmas pictures with my kids. That would have been nice.

Speaking of Christmas...It's now officially December 22nd. I quietly celebrated the solstice with a nod to the Universe and a moment of peaceful reflection. I am SO excited about Christmas Eve in 3 days ... We're going to watch movies, get silly, and eat shrimp - and then the big day - watching the kids open their presents...Little baby short decaf having his second Christmas and maybe being a bit more aware of what's going on...Giving the cat a gift of a mid sized cardboard box to lay in (he'll LOVE it, trust me.) I love, love, LOVE Christmas mornings with the kids!!

And did you ever wonder if there's a correlation between the fact that the Winter Solstice is so damn close to Christmas? I think I read something about that in the Da Vinci Code - I really need to read that book again. Except - I need the new version that's out this year, the one with the photos and more illustrations...I MUST HAVE IT!!!

So this is me blathering...woohoo...only one more day of school for tall decaf and then he's off of school for two weeks...Venti (hubby) is off for several days and I'll get to see grande decaf, too! I love that it's Christmas. Or solstice. Or whatever the hell you want to call it - I'm just so thrilled to be seeing my kids and my sister ... I can't wait. :)

Off to bed now in hopes that it will make it seem as though the time is flying by....

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE -- Background Page

This website is SO all about me...

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE -- Background Page: "Highly sensitive individuals have often said they feel they are 'different' and just don't fit in; we've even heard HSP say they sometimes feel like they are from a different planet. "

Rantscribe

Rantscribe: "Tolerance? The mere fact that anyone chooses a religion above another and then regards all the others as incorrect and that those sinners will go to hell means that ANY religious person cannot be tolerant. Agnosticism is the only tolerant choice. We neither deny nor accept any relgion. Frankly religion is a waste of my powers of logic and reason. It is totally inconclusive and therefore not worth thinking about. Yet, just as these Deliverers, as they call themselves, have a God-given right to indoctrinate recruits, so too do I have my own Me-given right to recruit people to my way of thinking. This persecution complex must stop. I do not cry like a school girl if my beliefs are countered. In fact, I cannot recall A SINGLE PERSON even attempting to counter agnosticism. Funny that. And I don't mean counter it with Christianity. I mean try and have a metaphysical and philosophical argument to counter it. Christianity and religion are ALWAYS argued against from all sides, including science.

I posted previously the negative correlation between intelligence and religiosity. I'm sorry but intellectual people are not religious. Less intelligent people are. It's that bleeding simple (although there are of course exceptions to the mean - lest I insult anyone). And although I do pity the dim-witted, I also enjoy the fact that my intellectual superiority enables me to toy with them. Cruel, perhaps, to attempt a battle of wits with an unarmed person, but it is my right. I am higher up on the intellectual food chain, which means I can toy with and then consume whichever lowly organism is below me. Just like you eat cows, pigs, sheep, vegetables, fish etc. Yes, it is an arrogant point of view I agree, but it is simply a fact of life. I am selfish and arrogant. I can do it because I can. And I am very happy and content with that."

glassdog: "Silent night, deadly night"

glassdog: "Silent night, deadly night"

Because I had absolutely nothing else to do, I did an anagram search on the phone number people are to use to get a refund for that evening's performance. Since it was already 704-54GLORY, I could only make it into some ill glory - 704-IL-GLORY.

Their website at http://crystalcathedral.org/ also mentions that they offer Professional Counseling Services. I guess it wasn't a perk the guy got for working there for thirty years.

I'm loopy, it's late.

Kung Fu Monkey: I Miss Republicans.

Kung Fu Monkey: I Miss Republicans.