Knock it off!! I'm protected be-atch!

I got a reminder from my Yahoo! calendar yesterday about a class at Esoterica, a great little store in town. I could live in this store and not just because it always smells like sandalwood or sage, but because it feels very much like 'home' should feel.

The class reminder was a part of a series of classes and unfortunately I missed the first two, however, I called and of course it was no problem to sign up for it giving only 3 hours notice. (I love those people.) Since I was having a major panic attack all day (which is why I'm still awake) I wasn't sure I was going to be able to handle being at a class full of people I didn't know for 3 whole hours. Venti drove me and we sat outside of the store (hot damn, we got a parking space on the street and didn't have to use the stupid garage.) When I say we sat outside of the store, I mean - for like 25 minutes.

Should I go? Shouldn't I? Am I too anxious or can I manage to pull this off? My anxiety increased the longer I sat there, chainsmoking and worrying so eventually - at 10 of, I asked Venti to go in with me just for a second - at least until I paid for the class. (Five bucks.) Kind of like a 'fuck it' attitude. I figured if I was going to be panicking all fucking night anyway, I might as well be doing something interesting at the same time.

Thank God Venti did go inside with me - they don't take plastic for anything under $15 and he had the cash. Thinking back, duh - I could have written a check. Anyway, he left right after that and I was going to wander around looking at crystals, statues, clothing, stones, books, etc., but instead I spotted a guy I'd spoken with the last time I was at the store, his name is Ron.

Ron and I stood outside and smoked and talked about his e-book about sex, handwriting analysis and my panic attacks until 7:30 (which was when the class actually started.) I told Ron, who reminds me so much of my dad - in personality, not appearance - that if I panicked during the class I was going to find him and he could maybe help me out. He laughed and said I'd be fine.

The class consisted of eight people, plus the instructor - who also happened to be my Reiki Master (the chick who taught me Reiki.) It was a bit bigger of a class than she (or I) had anticipated and so I made sure to sit right by the exit of the gazebo/classroom so I could bolt out into the store if I had a panic attack.

You should know that I am Wiccan, which makes me a witch (think what you will.) The class description was this...

Magickal Protection

Learn the different types of magickal protection as well as which
herbs, stones, candles, spells and amulets are recommended for
magickal protection. We will make a protective amulet during class.
Please bring a notebook or your BOS and something to write with. Class
is $5.00 per person.

I brought my brand spankin new BoS because I was NOT going to show up with a fucking legal pad and look like a dork. I've been Wiccan since 1997 and to not have a Book of Shadows is utterly ridiculous - so I emailed Venti at work and asked him to stop at Borders and pick up a big-ass black cloth-covered journal for me. Lined, of course. (He scored big, got me THE one I wanted for $6.)

So, as I said earlier, I was panicking the entire time we were learning about protective magick. I even wrote in my BoS - between "Burning candle down to water level..." and "Symbols I pressed into my amulet" DEAR UNIVERSE PLEASE TAKE THIS PANIC ATTACK AWAY. At one point, I bolted from my seat and went out into the store and there stood Ron, thank God. I said, "I can't do it, I'm panicking - can you tell?" He said not in my body, but in my eyes. So I took a deep breath, smiled, and went back in. At that point it was time to make the amulet out of this weird but really cool clay that stays soft until you bake it in an oven - or in this case, a toaster oven, for fifteen minutes. I made mine in the shape of a triangle with the Cho Ku Rei symbol on one side, and my personal symbol on the other. (It's a secret.) Before I shaped it, I mashed up Rosemary, Sage and Mugwort and kneaded it into the clay for more protective properties, punched a hole through it, gave it to Reiki Decaf, and jacks-a-donut, fifteen minutes later I had my amulet. I must say it's pretty cool.

While I was waiting for it to bake, I asked Reiki Decaf if it would be okay if I went and got a drink - she invited everyone to do the same thing, thank God. I took a xanax and hoped that because I hadn't eaten, it would work a helluva lot faster than usual - which, not surprisingly, it did. So - by the end of the evening, I had my amulet and I was oh-so-very mellow. How the FUCK come I couldn't be mellow enough to enjoy the class until it was over? UGH. At least I got printed out notes to take home so I could learn whatever I missed when I ran out of the gazebo panicking.

So, I'm going to next weeks workshop, too. That one ought to be really cool as well, and still - only five bucks.

Psychic Enhancement

Gain the knowledge and practice the skills that can enhance your
psychic ability. We will discuss the various types of psychic ability
as well as do some practical application exercises. Please bring a
notebook or your BOS and something to write with. Class is $5.00 per
person.

Now - that's going to be a REALLY rough one to make it to but I know I can pull it off. I have to drive for 2 ½ hours for a 10 A.M. court thing that only lasts ½ an hour, then drive the 2½ hours back home. I will NOT be a panicking mess for that class. If anything, I'll be a panicking mess for the court thing.

I panicked all day because it was the 4th year anniversary of my dad passing away quite suddenly, without warning, out of the blue, in his sleep. Very traumatic. I miss my dad. A lot.