Is It Just Me or Does Christmas Suck a Bit More Every Year?

I am trying REAL hard to create an allusion that there's Christmas Spirit in this house, but it's just not working. When there's no money and no prospect of money coming in before Christmas it kind of puts a damper on the whole holiday for not just me, but everyone in the house. We didn't send out Christmas cards - and so far have only gotten one, an automatically generated corporate card from my sister who sells cars for a living. I bought a car through her once and now she'll never forget to send me a card because I'm on her list. Not because I'm her sister, but because I'm on her list...plus, her company pays for the postage.

There's no room in my house for Christmas, the tree that we picked out - while nice - is overwhelming my dining room. That's not a terrible thing considering that nobody can see that there aren't yet any presents under it.

I thought that two years ago Christmas sucked because there was a blizzard and my boys were 3 hours away with my ex because it was his turn to have them, so it was the first holiday I spent familyless. I remember staring out the window at the snow and thinking how badly it all just sucked not to see my kids or my mom and sisters.

We will be going to PA for Christmas dinner, so that's something. Nothing like taking a 3 hour drive on Christmas day - and I'm not sure if we're staying overnight or coming right back, if so - that's going to just suck even worse.

I want to see my oldest son for Christmas and I want my middle son to see his father's family for Christmas, but I had a really huge fight with my ex husband and ex mother-in-law because they said some absolutely terrible and untrue things about me to my oldest son, so I told them that in order for my middle son to see her (the ex MIL) it would have to be in some sort of supervised setting. I meant something along the lines of a restaurant or a mall, but I can't figure out how to pull that off because my ex husband should (SHOULD) be able to be supervision enough, but he's not, so I don't know what the fuck to do.

And here's a MAJOR FUCKING SHOUT OUT to all of you people who write to me with your QUICK HURRY UP AND ANSWER MY EMAIL BECAUSE I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! bullshit...

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON'T EXPECT ME TO ANSWER ANYMORE OF YOUR FUCKING EMAILS!!!! I'm even going to post that on my website. I spend a minimum of 90 minutes a day and more likely 3 hours a day writing emails back to people with panic attack questions of varying degrees of urgency. They NEVER write a goddamned thank you. Never even let me know they got the fucking emails. I expend so much energy on them and you know what - fuck em all. I worked my ass off collecting the information for my website and I work my ass of to keep my knowledge of panic disorder and its treatments current FOR THEM - and for what? Not a goddamned thing in return. My inbox is ALWAYS empty of 'thank you's' - but full of "Please HELP ME!!!'s" Again. Fuck em. It feels like the last 8 years of keeping that website current has been a fucking void in my life I'll never be able to regain. And now I'm pissed off at everyone who writes to me and have actually even happily deleted a few emails without even responding, and you know what - it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Fuck them, and fuck them again. That's what they're doing to me isn't it?

God, to take my email address off of that website will take me forever...there's like 72 html files associated with. Fuck.

I'd like to say I've made some friends over the years because of it, but you know - the only friend I've ever made in association with the website is the guy who helped me learn HTML. Tens of thousands of emails and only one friend...albiet a good friend, but still??? WTF? People will sometimes email me back and forth - oh - four times tops, act interested in having a penpal type relationship, then suddenly just fucking stop writing or responding to my emails of "I haven't heard from you lately, is everything okay? How is your anxiety? I hope all is well...please let me know. I'm always here for you!! - Lisa"

Fuck em.

My advice for panic disorder can be found all over the web, I get thousands of visitors to my site every month, I have been told that I touch peoples lives....AND??? Where's the fuckin gratitude???

I'm sorry to sound so mean but it just pisses me off how much time and effort and emotion I've given away when all the while I'm still having issues with panic disorder and who's asking me 'I haven't heard from you lately, is everything okay? How is your anxiety? I hope all is well...please let me know." NOBODY.

I had come to the conclusion eons ago that people suck. I tried to fight it, argue with myself that it couldn't be true, challenge myself to find the good in people - the good people, always continuing to hold out hope that people truly didn't all just suck - but you know what? They pretty much all do.

I'm guessing a psychologist would tell me that I'm be dramatic or underestimating the people in the world - and 'have you MET everyone in the world?' kind of bullshit logic - but uhm, yeah - I've had a pretty fucking good sampling and it comes down to people in general being all about themselves.

Nobody gives anything away for free. There's always a catch. There are no truly honest, decent, moral people full of integrity out there - and I suppose I'm one of them considering how awful this post must sound. I just give up on the human race - we're fucking doomed with this egocentric attitude. If - IF - there are a few good people left on earth, we - or they - are being slowly converted to assholes by the rest of the world who are, indeed, a bunch of dicks.