I've got so much to bitch about so be warned, go to another blog - this is one of those "oh my God life sucks!" posts that won't interest anyone and I won't mean 3/4ths of what I type anyway....seriously, don't even read it.
I just finished giving my 18 month old lunch and now he's crying. God sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode from the stressers that bombard me from a thousand directions all day every day.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in the center of this giant platform and I want to walk off of it, but there are a million invisible poles hammering into me from all directions so I can't move a muscle. In my mind, I want to do a thousand things every day, but physically I just can't so I stand there, absolutely frozen, everything frozen except my thoughts - eventually wanting to curl up into a little tiny ball and just give in and say 'fine, fuck it all' and slip into some dark quiet place in my mind - like when you're in a deep sleep or a coma. That'd be nice. And I know some people would say, you just have to cut those strings off and walk away, but they aren't strings, it's not that easy, I used the word "poles" - like thick, steel circus tent poles - you can't cut those without some seriously specialized equipment.
I cannot tell you the last time I heard the sound of silence - if I can hear my refrigerator humming then I know that there are at least four people gone from the house, leaving me and one other person. I cannot tell you the last time I was completely alone. I can guess - let's see, it would have been when I had a job, after I dropped the baby off at the sitters, and I stopped working in February. So, six months, roughly, since I've been alone.
I stay up late at night and play Everquest. It's an awesome game and I love that I have a "purpose", so to speak, there. And friends, which is something I don't have in "real life." You'd think I'd be alone then - at 4am when everyone should be sleeping, but with three teenage boys in the house, there is always at least one awake and wanting to tell me something, listen to something, show me something ... or just bug me.
I shouldn't complain, I know - I love my family and I hate being totally alone, because I have panic attacks pretty bad, and being alone is sometimes a trigger for them. I haven't actually had a panic attack since April since my doctor put me on a new medicine, which is awesome considering I'd had several panic attacks a day for several years, and panic attacks a few times a week since 1991.
Anyway, I hate where I live and - it's not actually the place so much as it is the people. I have lived here for something like 2 years now, and I haven't met any geniunely NICE people. My husbands best friends' mother was here visiting from California yesterday and she was genuinely NICE. I wish I lived in California - but not any place that's roasting hot - that would annoy me. Man, it sure would be nice to have some friends. Or A friend. Being the only female in a house with five males is really, really hard. Being agoraphobic (unable to leave my house except with certain people or else I'd have a panic attack) makes it ten times worse.
