I dropped a spent cigarette out my window onto the ferry terminal parking lot. I was so exhausted, and so sick to my stomach - and so I closed my eye and leaned against the window with my elbow. A cop SLAMS his fist against my window - nearly causing me a heart attack, and so I roll down my window. He says "Pick up that cigarette. It's lit." I said "uhmm....okay...." (terrified!!!)...and as I open the door he fucking says "OR I CAN GIVE YOU A $950 FINE!!! KEEP YOUR CIGARETTES OFF OUR PARKING LOT." (Dave made no comment. My comment - after I was done being in shock after like 3 minutes - was - "That JUST may have been the straw that broke the camel's back." - meaning, I'm ready to quit my job, I'm sick of the city, even the cops are major assholes to joe-middle-class person.)
So I was a mental case all the way home. This - after a really rough day at work.
I can't stop thinking about it, though. He waited and knew I was going to drop that cigarette, and then he ran back up the aisle with the explosives/drug sniffing dog to bitch me out. NOTE: He did NOT finish examining all of the cars. Nice, huh? Point 2; a couple of months ago my son picked up a USED syringe that still had remnants of heroin in it. Probably 25 feet from where we were parked tonight. I don't know...I just think he could have been doing something a little more productive, like looking for terrorists or druggies. Just a thought.
And my job really does still suck. I know that this is life, but they keep changing the rules...they keep changing my job duties. I STILL haven't learned a goddamn thing about being a legal secretary. I sit and do invoices and get bitched at - or about - for 7.5 hours a day for shitty pay. Top 100 places to work - BULLLLLSHITTTTT. Nobody asked my opinion on that one.
I want to stay at home again. I'm starting to hate the fucking world. EVERYONE is two-faced, everyone is out to get ahead, and nobody hesitates to heave blame my way when something is fucked up.
Add to that my twisted feet (from when I fell down the steps and landed on my feet (which bent forward), and then my left wrist, then my knees, and finally my ass) - still hurts like a bitch. I went to the doctor again over the weekend (which sucked, too), and he x-rayed it. Nothing broken...but I got an ankle brace and a note saying I need to wear tennis shoes to accommodate the brace. Woot. (Sarcasm.) I'm glad it's not broken, but I wish he would have given me something for the fucking intense pain I have at the end of the day. I swear it feels like my ankle is just going to disintegrate. :(
So, anyway...to add to this glory...I'm sick - as everyone else on my floor seems to be, and I'm so fucking worn out it's not even funny. The stress is SO bad that for the first time in my life I missed "it" - entirely. That's fucked up. The depression or anxiety or whatever it is of working there, and working so far from home, and being so broke after all of that effort - is giving me massive STUFF MY FACE cravings. I must have put on 40 pounds. Oh - and this is cute, my ex-husband will be here in a week to see our son sing. Won't I just look like shit compared to hi s 24 year old wife - who is currently in Iraq - and skinny, and happy. Ugh. I could puke. (literally.)
Okay, so nothing is good, nothing is right, and I miss so much about my old life. I could cry. (And do.)
Oh - hey, if anyone reads this...I need a female mentor...one is who smart, thin, and willing to get me that way. I'll do whatever you say except for drugs. I need more to my life than shit. Please. I'm begging you.
