End of February

I don't know how it's already the last day of February. I feel like we just had Christmas, but that was 2 months ago already. Time flies.

My nephew, Nada Decaf, is coming to live with us. We're going to pick him up at the airport on Saturday night. I'm really excited about it, but worried a little about the drive over there. I've been trying to make money so that we could rent a minivan or something that would hold our whole family, as well as to rent a hotel room for the night so that Nada Decaf can be shown around Decaf City the next day. It sucks that he's getting in so late at night, and that it will be dark. At this point I'll be lucky just to be able to scrounge up the money to take him for dinner. I really wanted him to see the city in the daytime since we actually live outside of it, and I'm not sure when we'll get over there again. The ferry costs a lot of money.

Grande Decaf has been in a bad mood a lot lately, and he won't talk to me about why. I wish he wasn't so mad at everyone all the time. I don't know if he's mad because Nada Decaf is moving in with us, or what. He just won't tell me. He hasn't gone out and applied for any jobs yet, either. He just pretty much hangs out at home and watches movies - and when it's time for his weekly school check-in he rushes to get the work done. He goes again tomorrow to check in with his advisor. I think he's doing pretty well with school, although we haven't gotten a report card or anything like that.

Tall Decaf is doing fine. He seems excited about some girl he knows from online that lives in the state we used to live in 6 years ago. He's growing so fast. 2 months and he'll be 15. Time flies. He's as big, or bigger, than most full grown men.

Short Decaf is wonderful. He's totally 3, but I just love him more and more every day. I have got to get that kid potty trained, though.

I'm still getting up early to make breakfast and clean up the house, but I've been going back to bed. It's insane to get up at 5 o'clock and then try to get everything done by 8.

My diet is going well - still. I'm surprised I'm still on it, but I like losing weight. Low carb isn't hard at all. I don't miss much of anything most of the time, and I'm down 25.5 pounds. I feel really good about that. Venti is down even more. I'm really proud of him. I reached one of my mini-goals, and my next goal is in 16.5 pounds. I was hoping to reach that before April when my sister comes out to visit, but I don't think I will. I'll probably only lose another 5 or 10 pounds by then if I'm lucky. Not that I'm cheating or anything - it's just that the weight loss has slowed down so dramatically now.

March 3rd will mark 2 full months on the diet, and like I said, I'm pleased with how much I've lost. If I could keep up this pace I'd be at goal in no time...although I know you can't keep up the dramatic weight loss of the first few weeks for very long.

Well, lots to do today - but first - going back to bed. :)

Missing Obituary on the Internet

Dwayne Joseph Clemens
January 30, 1990

son of Donald Junior CLEMENS, M (10 July 1926-14 August 2004) & Arabelle Emma GOTTSHALK, F (22 March 1928-), in Campbelltown, PA. Born on 3 November 1951 in Pottstown, PA. Dwayne Joseph died in Campbelltown, PA, on 30 January 1990; he was 38. Occupation: Teacher at Cedar Crest High School (Lebanon, PA), MATH. Religion: Methodist. Served in the military.

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He did a lot more than that, and so I'm not sure why he's not on the web more. That pisses me off.

He committed suicide by turning the car on in his garage.
I miss him a lot. He was my favorite teacher all through high school. I wanted to marry him or someone like him when I grew up - and I eventually did.He once fucked up a landing while parachuting. He turned it into a fabulous, and funny, story.He called quizzes 'quizzicals' - which would make tests....well, figure it out. He never put the thought of adding 'icals' to the end of the word test - he just waited for it to happen, and it always did. Very funny.He told me I was capable of so much more. But he committed suicide. HE was capable of so much more.

He wore the UGLIEST pants to work; like dark gray polyester pants. I always thought that was the one thing I couldn't stand about him. However, I worked at a drug store when I was 16 and he came in for cigarettes or pipe tobacco or something - I don't remember, and he was wearing jeans and a really cool tweed hat. I guess his teacher wardrobe wasn't quite his favorite clothing either.

I think his full obituary should be on the Internet. This guy affected so many people so positively, and who cares what he did in his personal life to warrant his being turned into some sort of outcast even post-mortum. I learned more than math from him, and I know that many others did, too. This life shouldn't go unrecognized.

One Of Those Days

Bluck!!! What the FUCK is up with everyone today? Nobody is online, nobody is responding to posts on message boards, nobody is emailing?? God - it's like forcing me to clean my house from total fucking boredom!! I actually just straightened up my living room - and if you know me, you know that's SERIOUS fucking boredom.

I am starting a new "program" to get my house organized. Wish me luck. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of and rearrange. Big project, but I'm taking it in smaller chunks. I think I need organization in every aspect of my life - but starting in my home is the most important. I think it trickles into other aspects of life that way.

God - time to grow up and be responsible, I guess.

Diet Cheat Weekend

Well, it wasn't so bad. I only gained 3 pounds, tops. I went back on the plan this morning and made it through the day nicely. Well - I did have some trouble eating breakfast - skipped it actually - so that was one bad thing.

Kind of got some stunning revelations today - no, not kind of - definitely. I wonder how it will affect our lives in the future, but I'm trying to remain positive about it - although for many it would be - or will be - a negative thing. Cryptic enough?

I think I'm done watching the Olympics now. I've seen everything I wanted to see. I might watch some more figure skating, but that's about it.

God, I have had a gallon of water today. Unreal. I'm still afraid to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll be okay with it (sort of) if I don't lose any weight for a day or two - I DID cheat pretty badly, afterall. I just hope the cheat actually does kickstart some faster weight loss, which is why we had the cheat to begin with.

I'm glad it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I could use some more romance.

GD Muscle Cramps and Low-Carb Diets

This LC diet has brought a new pain in the ass - leg and muscle cramps. Obviously I need Potassium, but I'm pissed because I don't know how to use supplements and now I've read that if you use them wrong you can get a racing heart...or a lack of them can cause an irregular heartbeat. I wish I had a family doctor to talk about these things with. Sometimes, even though I'm losing weight on this diet, I think I should choose another method of weight loss. I even found out that LCing can cause a build-up of lactic acid in your muscles, and lactic acid makes people with panic disorder panic. Well, it is also what they give people so that they can experience what a panic attack feels like. Nice, huh? I just don't know what to do.


It's almost 1AM and I should be in bed because it's Friday - and the longer I stay awake, the less time I have with Venti in the morning. I hate to waste any time that I could be with him on the weekends. I have a feeling - no, I know - that if I go to bed right now I won't sleep very long - probably only until about 7 - and he won't be up that early.

Good news is that I didn't have any panic attacks today. I was careful with my xanax usage so that I wouldn't - but didn't overdo it. I stayed within my comfortable range with it, but I have to take 1mg more before I go to bed. God DAMN these muscle cramps. Always SOMETHING to make me panic. Grrr.

(Hmm...back to the lactic acid thing - that would explain why it felt like I did 1,000 crunches on Superbowl Sunday - just from jumping up and down when I was watching the game. )

Short Decaf is already asleep - so he'll be up early, too. I need to take a shower and not make any noise that will wake him up before I go to bed. That's going to be hard since his room is right next to the bathroom - and if he wakes up and calls for me and I don't answer he'll start crying. *sigh*

Just want to send a shout out to AWH...FUCK YOU MOTHER BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU FOR STRESSING OUT VENTI!!!!!!

Whew. That felt good.

I watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics tonight. I always feel compelled to watch it, but then lose interest in it as it seems to drag on and on. Venti fell asleep in the midst of it. Yeah, it was pretty boring. I can't wait for the figure-skating and the skiing, though. :) Oh - and the snowboarding - THAT'S what I'm really looking forward to the most! :) I'm so glad they're putting those on during Prime Time and not at like 3am or something ridiculous like that.

Oh - another diet-related issue. I have a big-ass bruise on my calf. I read that bruising means you're not getting Vitamin C. Shit. Another supplement I don't know how to use. I really wish I had a family doctor to talk to about this shit.

I've decided to 'fire' my panic doctor. Not my therapist, but the one with "prescriptive authority." I've heard from two of her patients now, and things aren't sounding good. One guy told me to just NOT see her again, and another said that "yeah - she seems kind of off lately." I agree. I just don't need some moody bitch fucking with my panic disorder - because I do enough of that for myself already! But, MAN do I like my psychologist. He's cool. He hasn't helped me much so far - well, hasn't helped me at all really - but he did get me in to see the massage therapist so he's the BEST in my book!

Okay, so is tomorrow (Saturday) going to be a cheat day or not? I just don't know at this point. I had been plateauing at a certain weight for more than a week, but then these past two days I lost a pound each day. Going off the plan will really fuck with that - and I don't really feel like cheating...I just want these goddamn cramps to go away. I don't want to see the scale say I gained five pounds after a 2 day carb binge (not that I'd pig out) - either.

Well...that's my rant.

Wednesday Morning

Thank you.

JJ....JJ......JJ....

JJ the Jet Plane. I've been hearing this for hours now ever since Short Decaf has been watching On Demand. This could quite possibly be why I have panic attacks. Who the hell wouldn't listening to kids shows all day and night?

I'm so tired. I stopped taking Lexapro on Sunday and so that's two days without any. It's really messing with my head and giving me anxiety-type symptoms for withdrawal. Lovely. I think I'll be better off without it, though. I should certainly be able to better lose weight. I hope that's the case, anyway.

Oh, hey - 5 1/2 weeks until Spring - so there's something to look forward to.

My sister and her husband...AND my brother & his wife are on a white sandy beach in the Bahamas right now working on their tans. I'm so jealous. I know that the plane ride would make me panic, but I know once I got there and was just a few sips into my first funky-fruity drink I'd be just fine. Reeeeally fine. Why does she get to go on real vacations and I don't? It's just not fair. :( I want a vacation so bad. :(

I wonder if I've ever actually had a real vacation? Pretty much seems like the most I've ever done is the econo-version of a "vacation"...you know...drive FOREVER and get to a crowded, dirty beach and pretend that it's everything you needed to FINALLY be able to relax...knowing full well you are totally full of shit. And, no - driving across the country was not a vacation at all...it was hard work being crammed into the car with 3 kids and a cat for a week.

So. My diet isn't going all that well right now. Day 35 of no cheating is behind me, and although I was very, very good the past three days I gained 1 1/2 pounds for some fucked up reason. I don't have any clue how a person can lose 20 pounds and feel fatter than they ever have before. I want to cheat SO badly, but I haven't. If I keep gaining I will cheat and then go back on the diet because - what the hell, maybe it will break the cycle of gaining or plateauing. I'll give it another day or two though, first.

Man, I feel like shit. I'm not tired enough to go to bed and sleep well, I'm too tired to do anything productive, I feel like I've done 1,000 crunches from all the jumping up and down I did during the Superbowl (all for naught as the Seahawks lost - unfairly, too), I'm anxious and have a lot of tension in my chest (why can't massage therapists be free and on-call?), it's early in the week, and on it goes.

Here are my picks for "the planet has gone to shit and you have to be on a desert island with 3 men and you really want to be both sexually fulfilled AND entertained while repopulating the planet".... these are in order from 1st to last.


Colin Firth

I'm not sure why. I also didn't know he was a "heart throb" in England - but I don't care. He's just fucking hot...something required in a guy who I plan on being stuck with for a while. Because, of course, I only know his character from a few movies - and most loved in Love, Actually - I would say he'd be the best at all-around likeability - pretty great sex - funny, and a great conversationalist. I mean, he's got that accent going for him, and he USES his eyes. This guy is the complete package.



Bradley Whitford

Known basically from his role on The West Wing...he's smart, funny, REALLY funny, quick-witted, and totally looks hot. I probably wouldn't have sex with him as often as the guy above, but when I did it would be excellent sex, not better, just different.

Hmm...noticing a few similarities between these two guys. Clothing style, hair style, chin thing, etc.

Unfortunately, I'm having a terrible time coming up with the third guy. I thought, and thought, and finally just caved and said Brad Pitt, but I know that wouldn't work. I thought that - of course - John Cusak would be great, but he's so moody and has been a star since he was a kid so he's probably a real pompous ass in real life, pretty much not grounded in reality all that much - and I think the dark-broody thing would get old pretty quickly. I also think the sex would suck. No clue why I think that. I briefly thought of Will Smith, but then thought that he would have similar problems like John Cusak - along with being obnoxiously funny all the time, and a not-so-great lover. Again, I don't know why. Brad Pitt - and then, of course, Ben Affleck - both eye candy who wouldn't really do much for me in the mind department, but they both look great, and I can imagine sex with either of them would be decent. Well - Brad better than Ben.

I am seriously having trouble coming up with that damn third guy!!! What's wrong with me?? Oh, hell - how about Johnny Depp? Let's find a picture of him...

Johnny Depp

Okay, this makes sense to me. He's totally different than my first two guys - would be hellish cool to hang out with - and a refreshing break when things needed to be lightened up.

Besides...if you are gonna be stranded on an island - he's got that whole Pirates of the Carribean thing going for him.

I imagine sex with him would be most excellent, but that's about it...no mind-blowing conversations or great romance... - so yeah, my order still stands.

You know...I think - when a woman thinks up an answer to a question like this - she almost has to say to herself "who would touch me the softest and make me cum the hardest?" That sounds totally slutty - but hey, I'm stuck with these guys for years and years - I better be asking myself the right questions, right? And there's no way there's going to be any intense orgasm with some space-pod eye-candy dude who can't hold a conversation deeper than how the salt air is making his hair foofy. And do I really want to create children with guys who suck at sex? Get that shit out of the gene pool!

Hmmm...I just realized that all these guys are much older than me. I wonder what that says about me? Colin Firth is 46, Bradley Whitford is 47, and Johnny Depp is 43. I guess I like mature guys? Another instance of "I don't know why."

So, okay, you now have my official "desert island" list - and yes, I am taking into consideration that I don't know these people at all - and that I'm going by the characters I've seen them portray.

Shit. 3:15am and I'm still not sleepy - but now I'm anxious. What the hell am I going to do now that I've run out of things to say AND embarrassingly laid out (no pun intended) all of this desert island shit in my blog?

Facing a Phobia

Well, I just exercised on purpose for the first time in - I think - six years. I walked a mile to a DVD called Walk Away the Pounds. I got through the whole mile, but it was a little challenging - and I didn't panic at all during it. I am, however, quite anxious now. I have been done with the damn thing for an hour now and I guess if I was going to drop over it would have happened by now. God damn I hate phobias and fears. I KNOW my heart is fine, and I've had a ton of tests on it to prove that - even ran like a fiend in front of 3 old cardiologists about 2 years ago - or maybe it wasn't that long ago - more like a year and a half? I don't know - but I can't imagine that much has changed in the health of my heart since then - and all my doctors say to start walking - so I have. I did. I am just anxious about it.

This is part of my therapy, though. The psychologist wants me to exercise to get my heart rate elevated so that I can get used to the fact that my heart can speed up and that doesn't mean anything bad. Okay - that sounds easy enough, but then why am I so fucking anxious???

Not to sound idiotic or anything - or embarrass Venti at all, but he and I can have some pretty damn athletic sex that lasts longer than the DVD I just did - and I don't panic after that! (Usually.) So why am I anxious now? What's the difference?

Frame of mind - thoughts I'm putting to feelings I suppose.

I just hope I can keep doing this video, see that it gets easier, and see that it doesn't kill me.

Thankfully Grande Decaf did the DVD with me. I was happy he was there because even he got winded a little, and there's nobody in this house who is in better shape than him.

Okay, really need to get over the anxiety of this. It's been - like I said - more than an hour. The only thing that hurts is my calf muscles (and I LOVE that feeling.) My chest is fine. My pulse is at my normal rate again. I had no pain during the DVD - no pain afterwards - just a few skipped beats when I was checking my pulse (but I think that was from being anxious about it.)

It was kind of cool to actually break a sweat, though. I can't wait until I can do the DVD without it feeling like a total workout. I was reading on a message board that this one lady gave her SEVENTY YEAR OLD mother the 1 mile DVD because her doctor told her to walk a mile. Now...if some 70-year-old lady can do it - I can do it. I'm less than half her age. I'm perfectly healthy other than being overweight.

Damn. I fucking hate anxiety. But at least I did the DVD. I did not waste the money. I walked a mile. I walked a mile. I walked a mile!!! :) Very happy about that - even if I am scared about it. Oh, and just for reference - it took 24 minutes. 2.5 miles per hour.

Hopefully I will be able to do this DVD 3 times a week and then work up to every day. I just really, really don't want to panic like this every single goddamned time I do it. That will get old very, very fast.

Dark Circles

I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like crap - but I wonder what dark circles come from. I sleep enough, but I don't get restful sleep very often. Maybe that's it. I've been majorly stressed about my sister's husband's Army National Guard unit getting activated. Maybe that's it. I've been having a lot of anxiety from changing the way I eat - it's been 30 days of low-carbing and my body still isn't used to it. Maybe that's it. Ever worried about money. Could it be that? Maybe it's all of those things...plus a thousand other thoughts/worries/fears that go through my mind at all times. Yeah...I'm guessing it's that.

That would be "life."