25 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

I don't know - I thought I was doing so great, but then today I had a small panic attack which I'm still feeling/fighting off. I had to take 1/2 of a regular xanax, which was like 3 minutes ago. I am trying to push my boundaries with the agoraphobia, and I did do something today that was a little different for me...

...I know very few people in the world would ever understand what it's like to have a panic attack just sitting out on their deck catching a few rays...but that's the life of someone with agoraphobia. And because everybody who has agoraphobia has it in different ways, it's so hard to lump us all together and yet we all share so many things in common. Sitting on a deck sunbathing may be anxiety producing for one person, yet another could sit by a community pool and be okay. If my husband, Venti, had been sitting with me on the deck I wouldn't have panicked...isn't it strange how it all works?

Dr. Decaf put my XXR up to 2mg twice a day because I had so many breakthrough panic attacks in the last two weeks since he decreased my dose of the XXR - I still haven't increased my Prozac dose either, still two more weeks at the 10mg which I kind of feel stupid about - but I guess it's a process, it takes time, and if I'm not ready - it's not my fault. I just feel like it is. Ugh.

I feel like I'm making tiny bits of progress, even though I had a small panic attack today - being agoraphobic sometimes means being afraid to leave the house at all without your safe person, and even the deck is "leaving the house" - so I think that's a teeny tiny step of improvement. Good for me. I've done that twice now, and today when I came in the house I did some simple exercises for ten minutes - after which the panic attack started. I am so phobic of exercising it's not even funny. It all goes back to my heart phobia, of course.

My eyes are still acting weird. Therapist Decaf told me she thought I should get my thyroid checked out because she has something called Graves Disease, it can't kill you, just make your life miserable. Anyway, she said my left eye was kind of like, sticking out - like hers was, hers really is but I didn't notice that mine was - but sometimes when I look at it I wonder if she's right. She thinks I should see an endocrinologist to get it checked out and even gave me the phone number of hers. I don't want to have thyroid disease AND panic disorder. The therapist still takes Klonopin for her panic attacks, but at least she has a life. So, treating the thyroid disease doesn't stop the panic attacks, then what's the point of treating it? Anyway, my point is, I wonder if that has something to do with the way my eyes are acting. It's like one registers information a split second faster than the other. I haven't looked into it at all on the web because I'm terrified of it, really terrified. And in about 2 weeks we're taking Short Decaf to an opthamologist for his lazy eye - so I know I'm going to see a thousand diagrams of eyes and it's going to make me panic really bad. I went through the lazy eye thing with my first son, Grande Decaf, when he was Short's age, it wasn't too hideous, I guess. I just wish I had the nerve to make an appointment to see the same doctor at the same time as Short Decaf and ask him what the fuck is going on with my eyes?? I am terrified it means I have a brain tumor or something that's going to kill me, I don't have headaches or anything - just the weird visual stuff. Like my eyes are stoned. It's hard to describe, but it makes my life a living hell just about every second of every single day.

So anyway, the panic attack has gone now - thank God.

I've noticed that I don't have NEARLY the urge to get on the computer and post to message boards and answer emails that I did four weeks ago, I think that the Prozac is really helping me out with that. Now I don't want to be online, but there's nothing else to do except face life or sleep. I am trying to face life, in small doses but it is so very hard.

But today, I am proud to say that I DID get a tiny bit of sunburn...for me, this is an enormous accomplishment.

25 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

I don't know - I thought I was doing so great, but then today I had a small panic attack which I'm still feeling/fighting off. I had to take 1/2 of a regular xanax, which was like 3 minutes ago. I am trying to push my boundaries with the agoraphobia, and I did do something today that was a little different for me...

...I know very few people in the world would ever understand what it's like to have a panic attack just sitting out on their deck catching a few rays...but that's the life of someone with agoraphobia. And because everybody who has agoraphobia has it in different ways, it's so hard to lump us all together and yet we all share so many things in common. Sitting on a deck sunbathing may be anxiety producing for one person, yet another could sit by a community pool and be okay. If my husband, Venti, had been sitting with me on the deck I wouldn't have panicked...isn't it strange how it all works?

Dr. Decaf put my XXR up to 2mg twice a day because I had so many breakthrough panic attacks in the last two weeks since he decreased my dose of the XXR - I still haven't increased my Prozac dose either, still two more weeks at the 10mg which I kind of feel stupid about - but I guess it's a process, it takes time, and if I'm not ready - it's not my fault. I just feel like it is. Ugh.

I feel like I'm making tiny bits of progress, even though I had a small panic attack today - being agoraphobic sometimes means being afraid to leave the house at all without your safe person, and even the deck is "leaving the house" - so I think that's a teeny tiny step of improvement. Good for me. I've done that twice now, and today when I came in the house I did some simple exercises for ten minutes - after which the panic attack started. I am so phobic of exercising it's not even funny. It all goes back to my heart phobia, of course.

My eyes are still acting weird. Therapist Decaf told me she thought I should get my thyroid checked out because she has something called Graves Disease, it can't kill you, just make your life miserable. Anyway, she said my left eye was kind of like, sticking out - like hers was, hers really is but I didn't notice that mine was - but sometimes when I look at it I wonder if she's right. She thinks I should see an endocrinologist to get it checked out and even gave me the phone number of hers. I don't want to have thyroid disease AND panic disorder. The therapist still takes Klonopin for her panic attacks, but at least she has a life. So, treating the thyroid disease doesn't stop the panic attacks, then what's the point of treating it? Anyway, my point is, I wonder if that has something to do with the way my eyes are acting. It's like one registers information a split second faster than the other. I haven't looked into it at all on the web because I'm terrified of it, really terrified. And in about 2 weeks we're taking Short Decaf to an opthamologist for his lazy eye - so I know I'm going to see a thousand diagrams of eyes and it's going to make me panic really bad. I went through the lazy eye thing with my first son, Grande Decaf, when he was Short's age, it wasn't too hideous, I guess. I just wish I had the nerve to make an appointment to see the same doctor at the same time as Short Decaf and ask him what the fuck is going on with my eyes?? I am terrified it means I have a brain tumor or something that's going to kill me, I don't have headaches or anything - just the weird visual stuff. Like my eyes are stoned. It's hard to describe, but it makes my life a living hell just about every second of every single day.

So anyway, the panic attack has gone now - thank God.

I've noticed that I don't have NEARLY the urge to get on the computer and post to message boards and answer emails that I did four weeks ago, I think that the Prozac is really helping me out with that. Now I don't want to be online, but there's nothing else to do except face life or sleep. I am trying to face life, in small doses but it is so very hard.

But today, I am proud to say that I DID get a tiny bit of sunburn...for me, this is an enormous accomplishment.

12 Days Into Panic Disorder Treatment

So far so good, and I have to say that I'm generally impressed with the XXR, it's been doing its job and I haven't been panicking, although the last few days I've had some anxiety. Yesterday wasn't great, but I didn't have to take any extra regular xanax...in fact, I have only had to do that once and that was when we were shopping on Saturday at a giant mall for Tall Decaf's birthday presents....

I don't know, I guess it was just a really out of my norm type of day on Saturday, I got my hair cut and had a panic attack while the lady was washing my hair, then when she was cutting it - Venti had left me to go get his hair cut next door and I just kept thinking "He'll be back soon, it will pass, I won't pass out or freak out...blah blah blah..." and I didn't - of course. I did fine. Then going to the mall, I guess it just was too much - it's such a huge mall and so packed with people, especially since it was a Saturday, and the day before Mother's Day.

So I saw Dr. Decaf yesterday and he reduced my morning dose of XXR to 1.5mg and my afternoon dose stays the same. I hope that someday I won't need it at all, but he said I might need something to treat the anxiety for the rest of my life. Who knows. I've dealt with this for 13 years and it's used up alot of precious time I'll never get back, so I just want to feel better and have a life, so I'm really trusting this doctor to help me get there. I did see Therapist Decaf yesterday for the first time, she was NOT something that impressed me in the least. She was a MSW - not even close to a psychologist, didn't know half the shit I do about panic disorder, plus she's really overweight so I don't feel like I can talk to her about my own weight issues. I just didn't like her. I will go back to see her in a week but if I still don't like her, I'll request someone else...I need to get the most out of the treatment that I can, plus I can't afford, financially or emotionally, to waste time on someone who can't help me.

I haven't gained any weight from the Prozac yet, but I sure do like to sleep alot. I think it's out of bordom than being sleepy, though. There's just not a goddamned thing to fucking do in my life - and I know I could create things - and I'm working on that, my big goal is to get outside more and walk every day - plus take better care of the house, which I must say I've been doing a tiny bit better at each day.

So that's my "two weeks in" update.

Four Days With No Panic

Well, it's four days into my new treatment plan from Dr. Decaf, who put me on Xanax Xr and fluoxetine, (Prozac) - he put me on a tiny dose, 5mg, they don't actually make a 5mg tablet so I have to break the 10mg tablets in half, after ten days i'll go up to 10mg a day and we'll see how I'm doing. Dr. Decaf thinks I'll only need a very low dose of an antidepressant, which he assures me will not cause weight gain, for which I am indeed very grateful....

So far so good with the anxiety - I had one surge of anxiety on Saturday but it passed very quickly, within seconds, and today I even was able to go for a drive and go into a grocery store with Venti, no problems. There's hope in that. I was feeling a little depressed, though, about going into the grocery store because it's brand new. It just opened down the street from me and I hadn't gone in yet, and it's been open for about 2 weeks now I guess. It's so nice, really great - but I felt depressed because we are so broke right now we couldn't afford to actually buy anything except a box of cereal and some soy milk for Short Decaf.

I really can't wait until there's more order in our lives - not just financially, but all around. I have really high hopes for being able to overcome my panic disorder and agoraphobia (official diagnosis) and get out and get a job again. I know it would help so much but just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. Plus, I'd miss Short Decaf so much. I really do know that he needs to be in pre-school so he's ready for kindergarten; socially, emotionally and mentally. I've certainly proven that I'm not a great teacher (as is reflected in my older boys grades and overall feelings about school) but I hope for Short Decaf to follow in my footsteps and WANT to learn, love to read, love to learn everything about everything, get excited about doing his homework and WANTING to get good grades. That was me, that is not my sons. It's not even like his dad. God, I just want such great things for him.

Not that good grades and an interest in learning got me very far in life, but it could have if I hadn't hit as many roadblocks. Or been tied to a concrete-block of a man for fifteen years, from 15 to 30. God, what a sickening waste of time.

Still working on these pancakes for Grande's birthday breakfast - it's nearly 3am and my eyes burn, I hope the smell of them doesn't wake anyone up - I want it to be a surprise for Grande. Pancakes and spaghetti - his favorite foods. :) Unfortunately, I've made enough for the entire neighborhood so it's taking a little longer than I'd expected. But, I'm down to about two more batches so that's good.

You know it's weird with the Xanax XR, which I'll call XXR from now on, it really does actually seem to work, and I was so scared about having breakthrough anxiety while I was taking it - I swore I'd have to take regular xanax at some point during the day but I haven't. Also, starting up the Prozac at such a low dose, i haven't even noticed I've got it in my system and it's been 3 days now. I'm all for that.

Well, I hope there's as positive a post about my panic in the next week or two - it's supposed to take 4 weeks for the Prozac to really do anything, so I hope so much that things don't get bad again. I expect a certain amount of anxiety for the rest of my life, but if I could just not have a panic attack for a few months - man, that would just be awesome.

Pancakes at 2 AM

It is 2 hours into my middle son's - Grande - 13th birthday and I'm making pancakes - yes, at 2am. I am so tired and I have like 400 pancakes to go. I just burnt the shit out of my ring finger and I can't get the pancake to make a heart shape no matter how heart I fucking try. Well, at least they're edible mistakes. And they don't taste half bad considering I actually had to find a recipe online to make "real" pancakes.

I can't believe he's 13 already, it seems like it was just yesterday when he was born and oh my God it was such a beautiful morning that day. 5am my water broke and 3 1/2 hours later he was born - easy, mellow, no drama, pretty much the way his character developed over the years, come to think of it.

Yep, I'm going to be here all night making these pancakes. I don't care - I wish I could give him something awesome, some big stack of presents in the morning when he wakes up. We're only going to have a little cake and one present for him tonight, but I am going to make his favorite dinner, too - spaghetti - no big deal, thankfully. Tall's favorite food is lasagna, glad I don't have to make that.

If I had endless amounts of money, Grande would wake up on his birthday and it would be someplace cool - like, on an airplane and I'd not tell him where we were going, we'd land on some awesome little island in - like Hawaii or something, someplace just for kids - waterparks and themeparks and I'd not have any anxiety or panic attacks taking him to all of those places. We'd go to dinner and of course he'd order spaghetti, but then they'd bring a giant cake out on a cart that had, like, sparklers or something in it - like you see in movies - and the whole restaurant would sing for him and then clap - then after dinner I'd give him a giant pile of presents and take a million pictures .... SHIT, I just burnt that batch of pancakes.

I really shouldn't have the computer in the kitchen.

Well, guess I'll go FOCUS on this. :)