At this moment I'm talking myself into believing that although it's 1:20am, that it's still Sunday and not Monday. Monday means that I have to cut back to no more than three cigarettes a day as well as start a low carb diet - Atkins style....
Now, I'm not all that fond of food - however, when faced with the prospect of not getting to eat cheesy pasta and the occasional latte, I get a bit unnerved and want to go into the kitchen and dig out every carb laden item out there.
I've taken all the prerequisite "before" pictures and oh my God they're just awful. I'm confident that some day they'll be fun to look at when I put them on a web page next to my "Goals Met!" pictures. I have 65 pounds to lose, and fortunately I'm not going into this endevour alone - Venti is joining me as well.
However, there's a few more wrenches in the machine.
I've said off and on that I'd like to quit smoking before my birthday - which happens to be this month. I hate that I said it because now Venti won't stop badgering me about it (he doesn't really badger, but you know how it is if you're a smoker, someone mentions perhaps smoking one less cigarette a day and it's akin to them say 'man you're a fucking ugly bitch.' You just go postal inside and turn into a horrid wench on the outside while lighting up a cigarette.
Venti is giving up wine, beer and liquor until he loses all the weight he wants to lose - I'm not even sure of the number -but we're figuring it will take us a year to reach our goals. So - I guess if he's willing to give that kind of commitment, then I am as well. I just - you know - I kind of like smoking.
I don't like the way it smells - sometimes I even hate that I'm smoking a cigarette while I have one in my mouth - but there ARE times, after a nice meal, with a good cup of coffee, that man, a cigarette is just nice. It's nice.
Anyway, when I wake up in the morning I will offically be quitting smoking. I can have up to 3 cigarettes a day - outside of the house - until my birthday, then I have to go to zero. I like the buffer, it's comforting. Much simpler than crushing the few packs of cigarettes I have in the house and pitching them right off the bat...I think that would be traumatic as all hell!
So wow, no alcohol or tobacco purchases for a year - we're going to save a fortune - now maybe we'll be able to better afford all the meat that we're going to have to buy this next year.
I'm big on documentation - I'm going to track every morsel of food I put into my body, how much water I drink every day (nothing else but water!! scary), my weight of course, how much I exercise, etc. All very scientific - but thank God there's fitday.com to do all the hard work on making charts and keeping me motivated. I like entering my weight every day - to me it feels like I'm staying focused that way.
I plan on learning yoga as well as walking for exercise, I figure it this way; I know how to walk and I know the difference between walking to the mailbox and walking for fitness - so I can pull that off - but the yoga? Well, so far all I have is a deck of cards that show poses - it seems very difficult to get the gist of what they are doing on the cards - so I may need a video. I wish there was some place nearby where I could go and be taught - however, even if there was I'm so self-conscious that I don't think I could do it. I want to be in better shape before I go and ask for help. I hate being the fattest and most unhealthy person in a room - so - as soon as I've made enough progress, perhaps I will go to a gym or yoga class. Until then, I'm keeping it simple with the walking and figuring out the yoga on my own.
God- is it even healthy to JUST drink water? I mean of course it must be fine, we've been doing it for millions of years, but I can't imagine it to be honest. I'm not fond of diet soda, it tastes like shit - and I am not big on artificial sweeteners either, and then there's the fact that plain old tea has carbs in it as well, so I can't even drink decaf tea in the morning like I'm used to. That sucks.
I suppose it's for the best though - no, no - it IS for the best, and I know at some point I can have my tea again, right? Sans sugar, of course.
I worry that this is all going to be too big of a shock to my body. Is that possible? Cutting out nicotine AND carbs so radically in such a short period of time? It seems like it will be a bit of a shock, really.
My motivation here is to get healthier, feel stronger and build confidence in myself. I want to feel good inside and out, thus the adding in of the yoga (since I can't find a therapist to help me with my anxiety.)
I am concerned about the anxiety medicine I currently take though (xanax) - taken every day, I don't know if it will hamper my weight loss. I suppose it doesn't really matter though - exercising and not smoking would still be a huge boon to my health. If I don't end up a size 8, I guess that's okay - at least I will be healthier.
Oh, and I want to be strong. :) I hate feeling weak, it pisses me off. It makes me feel weak inside, too, and I just hate that.
We'll be going to a party for my birthday which my sister is holding for me - her husband's birthday is 2 days before mine, so it will be a combination of parties (I always resented that) - but I'm not going to tell anyone we're making these lifestyle changes or I know I'll get hounded for the entire next year with "Well, you know what you should do...." and blah blah blah, I just want to do this on my own - well, with Venti.
Good news is that we've gotten Grande Decaf and Tall Decaf to agree to cut out sugar, too - as much as humanly possible. Being 15 and 13, they are really in need of learning to eat better. Tall drinks so much sugar-water, soda - that i worry about him becoming diabetic by the time he's 20. So - no more soda's or anything remotely resembling it for the kids. They are also excited about cutting back on carbs and losing weight - it's all about the weight for them, even though Grande is NOWHERE near overweight. He rides his bike an hour a day and is always very active...but his diet is utter crap. I really do worry about my kids :(
So again this ought to be interesting and although I can't imagine who out there cares to read this drone, I plan to update the blog about it often.
Wish me luck!
Damn, I never should have watched that Super Size Me movie, but it really did help me realize that - well, the food we eat is making us sick, fat, lazy, and stupid. I wonder how we'll all feel in three or four months. I'm very excited about it.
I also wonder if my house will ever smell good again. I'm glad I'm quitting smoking. If I can't do it on my own, I WILL see my doctor for help - I'm that serious about it.
