16 Weeks

I'm not really sure that I've ever done anything for 16 weeks, but I HAVE stuck to my low carb diet for that long. I've also lost 35 pounds, which is juuuuust a tad over 2 pounds a week. I'm definitely thinner, but certainly don't have that "Oh I just have so much energy!" high that I used to have in the beginning. That sucks. Of course, maybe it doesn't considering that I equate energy with anxiety.

The house is finally quiet. It's 2AM so it's about damn time. I'm staying up extra late tonight so that maybe I can sleep for a change. I don't know why, but lately I haven't been able to sleep straight through the night and every little thing wakes me up. I have dark circles under my eyes.

I never got a call about the job at PC so I guess I won't be getting that one. Considering how low-level it was I doubt I'll ever get a job there. That sucks. I was kind of hoping I'd get it just so I'd have something to do - and not have to listen to Short Decaf yelling, kicking, and screaming all day for the next - however many years this phase will last. It's rough.

I did the math on our weekend Sugar Free Decaf Breve Mochas - and considering that we buy the 20 ounce size, and that there are 8 carbs in a 8 ounces of 1/2 & 1/2 - we were consuming 20 carbs JUST on the mocha. No wonder we always gain weight on the weekends. Duh.

Bluh. I feel like crap. Probably BECAUSE of all those extra carbs from over the weekend. Well, they should be out of my system by morning so I'm sure I'll feel better then. That is IF I actually get some decent sleep.

I took a short walk today, which is a big deal for me considering I'm agoraphobic and exercise-phobic. It's actually a very big deal. Like if someone were terrified/phobic of spiders and opened a book with big close-up pictures of spiders in it and didn't immediately slam the book shut. That's about what I did today with the walk. It wasn't much - but it was something. It's something I'm going to try and repeat every day until it gets easier and easier.

Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb

Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb: "
Beer Stats:
12oz bottle
5% alcohol
114 calories
3.7g carbs
1.2g protein
0.0g fat"

How Nerdy I Am

I honestly thought I was slightly nerdy. I under-estimated myself. I have to wonder if they bump up the jam on the points if you mark that you're a woman?

12 Xanax

My nephew stole 12 of my xanax. This may not seem like a big deal - but it means that I will now have issues with getting a refill on time. It also means I'm out of panic attack medicine in 2 days. I am not supposed to be able to fill the prescription until 5 days from now (it's an insurance thing.)

My nephew is an asshole.

I'm So Happy Cuz Today I Found My Friends

Not really the title that fits the post, but it's the song that is stuck in my head.

I'm in a great mood. :) Peace HAS definitely been restored to Decaf Land and things are already going 100% more smoothly. Ts'all good.

I'm wide awake and shouldn't be because I have to get up in six hours to take Venti to the bus so that I have the car for the day. Boo. Grande has a doctor's appointment and I have to go Easter shopping for the kids. At least it all starts early and I should be home by 11.

Venti sent my resume in to HR for 2 positions. It would be very cool if I actually got one of them and could DO the job without panicking for a few weeks until I got settled in. Then the sweet smell of money would overrule my panic and I'll do an amazing job, get promotions, make more money, help us buy a nice home in 4 years on "that" side of the water, send Short Decaf to private school and get my Bachelor's Degree, get even more promotions and money, then sell the house in 15 years from today when Short Decaf is 18 and off to college, and then buy a beautiful house or condo or something with a bitchen view of something. All before I'm 50. Cool.

That's the plan.

Oh - and I get the white GTI I want, too. No question there - well, unless private school for Short Decaf leaves us penniless. The kid is too smart to go to public school, though. Can't waste an incredible mind like his.

Shit...condo might have to wait, too - if he can't get grants and scholarships. Either way - things would be looking up. Quite up.

I wonder how many cats you're allowed to have in a condo. I still want to be the weird old lady with a ton of cats some day. :)

Damn, I really have to get my circadian rhythm flipped around so I'm not in such high spirits in the middle of the night.

Of course, I believe the full moon might have something to do with that, too. It's beautiful. :)

Well, time to go waste this good mood by putting it to bed. Tomorrow is another day - but it's a Friday so that's always a good thing :) I hope I've lost weight, and I hope I'm still in such a great mood in the morning! (Doubt it, though - I'm SO not a morning person.)

How Much Stress Can A Person Take?

I think about this a lot. I actually worry a lot about it, which is ironic - I know. Things are still so bad around here, but thankfully tomorrow night they'll get a helluva lot better because that's when my jackass nephew and his girlfriend (who I pity) are getting on a plane and going back to Pennsylvania. People are already threatening my nephew via AIM that they want to "harm" him (not their words) when he gets there, and so I'm imagining it won't be pleasant being him, and that some day he'll regret fucking up this opportunity to start a new life here in Seattle. Seattle. A city he is so close to but never took the time to visit or even look at. His girlfriend wanted to see it, but he wouldn't "let her." Fucking asshole. My sister raised a total fucking idiot. But...he did turn out just like her so I guess she feels like she was successful. Stupid bitch.

This is also the time when all of the "I told you so's" come around. I've gotten them from my mother and from Venti so far, and I imagine that will be it since I don't really have anyone else in my life to give advice to me.

I honestly wonder if the stress will get better once they are gone. Will I be less stressed? I hope so. I really do because I feel like it's over the top at this point. I just have to get through the trip to the airport tomorrow night and then I can see if life actually will be better without him here. God, I fucking hope so. I can't take much more of it being so lame.

It totally doesn't help that I'm 100% PMS right now either - the time of the month when I am most prone to major panic attacks. Not good.

Just got to get around Tacoma and I'll feel like "I'm there." It's going to be a challenge.

Oh, man. I have an appointment with my PNP this weekend, as well as an appointment for a massage. I need the massage even though I don't technically hurt anywhere physically. It's all on the inside, but my massage therapist is really good so maybe he can help heal my broken spirit. Niles...what a name for a massage therapist...but he really is wonderful.

Hmmm....I have just been informed that my nephew and his GF have started packing. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What else is there for me to be stressed about? Money is a big one. The Mega Millions jackpot is almost 200 million dollars - I'll have to remember to buy tickets for it tomorrow night when I've got some money.

I think I'd be totally stress free if I had money. I can't think of any single problem I have that couldn't be solved with money. Even my panic attacks. I could totally hire someone to help me get over them. Money can truly buy happiness. I know it can. I've seen it.

Gallon of Milk, Loaf of Bread

That's what we go through every single fucking day. Do you know how much a gallon of milk costs here? $3. So it basically costs us $120 a month just to keep milk and bread in our house. That's fucking insane. And what are they using the milk for? Giant bowls of cereal. That shit's not free either.

My nephew is starting to talk rather pissily to me. I asked that everyone not be here on Friday, but he didn't think he needed to listen to that so now that idea's fucked. Lovely. I have no credibility in this house. And it's MY GODDAMN HOUSE!!! I garner absolutely NO respect from any single individual here. I am so fucking sick of it.

I am so ready to send Grande Decaf back to live with Nada Decaf, his dad, it's not even funny. I mean, last night the kid walked to Walmart at FOUR IN THE MORNING!!! Okay, many people might not think this is a big deal, but just about 2 weeks ago I flipped the fuck out on him for walking to Walmart at 12:30am. First of all for leaving the house that late, and secondly for not telling me he was going anywhere. I was really upset, and does he care? Uhm...NO. Who does care anymore? Nobody. Yeah, nobody.

Total and utter disrespect, and I'm so damn sick of it.

I know that you are supposed to love your children and put up with whatever they throw your way, but COME ON!!! Why do I have to deal with everything and his dad doesn't have to deal with any of it - or even pay child support for him? Why does Grande get to live here, not go to school but ONE HOUR a week, not work, not help buy any food, having an entire floor of the house to himself (after my nephew leaves) - AND STILL GETS TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT??? It's NOT fair. It's just not.

My nephew and Grande are both being total dickheads to Tall Decaf, too. Tall Decaf is "the good child." He never causes any trouble. He never talks disrespectfully to us. He helps out. He's nice. He's polite. He's a pleasure to have around. So - this nice person gets totally shit on by those two jackasses??? How is THAT fair? It's just not.

I am so sick of hiding in my room from all of this. Sure, go ahead and say I should just put my foot down - but when I have tried that in the past I've just been overpowered and made out to look like a fool, so fuck that. I'm tired of looking like a fool.

I'm tired of being broke because of all of them, too. Food costs SO much money - and even though my nephew buys a lot of junk food at Wal-Mart he is still using the basics. And taking 1/2 hour showers. And smoking my cigarettes and stealing my medicine, and on and on and on.

And at this point I think everyone in my family knows that this blog exists, and I assume that they read it - and if that's the case then here's a few more tidbits...

To my sister...Pay the fuck up.
To my ex...pay up your child support and get your son some fucking braces
To my son...get a job and stop treating everyone in the house like shit. This is my house - not yours.
To my nephew...work at it harder.

To everyone else...fuck off. Again - this is my house. NOT YOURS. Let me do shit my way for a change, okay??

And an addendum to the kids...you guys have been freeloading off of us so get off of your high-horse and be a little fuckin nicer to us, stop using everything up, and if you do - REPLACE IT. Clean up after yourselves. Don't talk so ugly to me and Venti and Tall and Short. Oh - does it seem like I'm focusing on two kids? Uhm - yeah, I am.

God I need a vacation. Big time.

One Week To Go

This picture is of me and Venti on Sunday afternoon at the beach. It was an awesome time. I had so much fun - I even touched a starfish and an anenome (sp?) - which was GROSS!!!!

Well, the diet's still on except that I'm back to where I was weight-wise 2 1/2 weeks ago. We had a big cheat weekend but are back to basics and losing the gained weight pretty quickly.

My nephew and his GF are still living with us and we've only got to put up with that for another week. Well, less than a full week now - at this time next week they should be flying over Montana or something. Yay! I guess Venti and I will be driving them over to the airport. It's a small price to pay, though.

Does everyone in the world know about freecycle.org? They should. I have gotten so much great stuff off of there. I'm going to pick up a pair of worn once or twice Columbia sandals for Short Decaf which I think he'll be able to wear all summer. That's a $40 pair of shoes for free :) Go me. :)

My sister isn't talking to me because she owes me money. Today was her birthday, and I feel bad about that. I feel worse that she lied to me over and over about the fact that she was going to send me money to help out with her kid living here. Right now I think she's a fucking wanker.

I'm so sad that The West Wing is coming to an end. There are only six episodes left, and that's it. Doesn't that just suck? I know a bunch of spoilers and I'm generally happy with them, although I wasn't exactly thrilled with the Josh and Donna relationship (sex without professing undying love) in last Sunday's show. Hell, I was glad they finally had sex - but come on...after eight years there's got to be more than just "Hmm...let's blow off some steam." (Bad choice of words.) These characters are supposed to genuinely LOVE each other. Well, that's my take on it anyway. I hope it gets cleared up in the remaining episodes.

What the hell will I watch after that show is over? The Apprentice, and that's about it. Bummmmmmerrrrrrr.

God, I can't wait to reclaim my house from all of these kids. I simply can. not. wait.