InformIT: Security Reference Guide > Evangelizing IT Security: Why is There a Need?

I knew that my ADHD would pay off.

InformIT: Security Reference Guide > Evangelizing IT Security: Why is There a Need?: "t is no secret that many people in the security community have a touch of ADHD (Attention –deficit hyperactivity disorder). While the condition might not be diagnosed for the majority, the skills and talents required by a security professional make having the ability to refocus quickly desirable."

I'm a Gap Junkie

I can't stop buying clothing for my son from Gap. I think ... no, I know it stems from having grown up, all through school, as one of THE worst dressed kids at my school, and not by my own choice, that's for damn sure. It was embarrassing to wear old ugly patched clothing that my sister had worn the year before, or even the year before that.

I know that's not good. I know recycling is good. But, is recycling clothing that's made really terribly good? Why not spend the extra money, and buy it a liiiitle on the big side, and then my son can wear it a long time. Next year I'll sell it on eBay - so there, I'm recycling in my own way. Right?

Anyway, I didn't work on school admission at all today, and I didn't apply for that job I really want either. The closing date on it is the 29th of September, so I'm postponing. I'm thinking about it a lot, though. I don't want to rush into it unprepared and write a lame-ass resume and cover letter. I've worked for people like this before and they read through bullshit insanely quickly. No shortcuts allowed in this situation.

K. One more cigarette and then I'm going to bed. I shouldn't have had coffee tonight - I guess I'd be sleepier. It's going to be impossible to get AJ up and out of the house at 6 AM - it's 10:20 now and he's watching Speed Racer (which wasn't my idea.)

My husband is too stressed, and too busy, and has too many things to do to help me think about how to do a project for the Obama campaign, so I guess I'm on my own there, too. Just like with school, work, emotions, ... everything. Feeling a lot like I'm a bother lately, and very much on my own with most things.

No - I don't clean the house, don't cook dinner - I'm hella tired, emotionally and physically, and there's other stuff...but I don't think I should have to go solo on everything. He's even said that he can't be my support person at this point because he's got nothing left to give. (Referring to my anxiety disorder.) He does do his best, but his best is at the point where he doesn't have anything left to give anyone except Perkins Coie.

Life is sucking hard lately.

At least I'm talking to my sister again. I've missed her.

And the bitch/rant session ends.

Go Obama. Please, if people are so stupid to support McCain then they might believe this - "McCain WANTS you to vote for Obama. He really does. He even asked God about it."

Nothing to Say

Enrolling in school. The paperwork sucks. Maybe completing all of that is part of a secret exam of being accepted.

I'm so fucking bored.

There's nothing new on the political front.

I can't find anything on the web to interest me, and I don't even want to play Warcraft.

Oh, but I did find a job to apply for that's only 1.5 miles --- 5 whole minutes from my house.

We'll see how that goes.

Memorial Day 08

Thasssright. I went and found snow. No picnics, bbq's, blah blah - figured that the irony of eating a pancake dinner while looking up at the remnants of winter on the ski slopes would be so much more memorable. The kids had fun - and at least we did something different.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Barack Obama can not lose the primary. I mean - arithmetically - he can NOT lose it. Why does Hillary continue to keep this shit up? And why the fuck do people vote for her fake-ass? I just want to scream at them - "ARE YOU THAT STUPID??? SHE'S LYING TO GET YOUR VOTE YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!!" Honestly, I really can't fucking stand this political shit anymore because it reminds me of how many idiots there are in the world. That McCain supporters even exist - the upper-middle-class and under people - boggles my fucking mind. Morons.

I need to go away tomorrow, but I will be home alone the entire day. Venti has to take the two teens to finish moving out of that house. I can't go because I'm lazy and useless, and nobody wants AJ around so I have to watch him.

If I wasn't afraid - I could get on the ferry with him, go to the office, get the four tickets to the Seattle Art Museum, and take him there. But I am. I'm afraid of so much -and that would be the biggest thing I've done by myself since I was 16 years old.

I have to get off of my brand new laptop now. That I paid for. Mine. It's even pink. Because Tall got a computer game that doesn't work on his computer.

I'm not happy.

Stay Away From Seattle

I dropped a spent cigarette out my window onto the ferry terminal parking lot. I was so exhausted, and so sick to my stomach - and so I closed my eye and leaned against the window with my elbow. A cop SLAMS his fist against my window - nearly causing me a heart attack, and so I roll down my window. He says "Pick up that cigarette. It's lit." I said "uhmm....okay...." (terrified!!!)...and as I open the door he fucking says "OR I CAN GIVE YOU A $950 FINE!!! KEEP YOUR CIGARETTES OFF OUR PARKING LOT." (Dave made no comment. My comment - after I was done being in shock after like 3 minutes - was - "That JUST may have been the straw that broke the camel's back." - meaning, I'm ready to quit my job, I'm sick of the city, even the cops are major assholes to joe-middle-class person.)

So I was a mental case all the way home. This - after a really rough day at work.

I can't stop thinking about it, though. He waited and knew I was going to drop that cigarette, and then he ran back up the aisle with the explosives/drug sniffing dog to bitch me out. NOTE: He did NOT finish examining all of the cars. Nice, huh? Point 2; a couple of months ago my son picked up a USED syringe that still had remnants of heroin in it. Probably 25 feet from where we were parked tonight. I don't know...I just think he could have been doing something a little more productive, like looking for terrorists or druggies. Just a thought.

And my job really does still suck. I know that this is life, but they keep changing the rules...they keep changing my job duties. I STILL haven't learned a goddamn thing about being a legal secretary. I sit and do invoices and get bitched at - or about - for 7.5 hours a day for shitty pay. Top 100 places to work - BULLLLLSHITTTTT. Nobody asked my opinion on that one.

I want to stay at home again. I'm starting to hate the fucking world. EVERYONE is two-faced, everyone is out to get ahead, and nobody hesitates to heave blame my way when something is fucked up.

Add to that my twisted feet (from when I fell down the steps and landed on my feet (which bent forward), and then my left wrist, then my knees, and finally my ass) - still hurts like a bitch. I went to the doctor again over the weekend (which sucked, too), and he x-rayed it. Nothing broken...but I got an ankle brace and a note saying I need to wear tennis shoes to accommodate the brace. Woot. (Sarcasm.) I'm glad it's not broken, but I wish he would have given me something for the fucking intense pain I have at the end of the day. I swear it feels like my ankle is just going to disintegrate. :(

So, anyway...to add to this glory...I'm sick - as everyone else on my floor seems to be, and I'm so fucking worn out it's not even funny. The stress is SO bad that for the first time in my life I missed "it" - entirely. That's fucked up. The depression or anxiety or whatever it is of working there, and working so far from home, and being so broke after all of that effort - is giving me massive STUFF MY FACE cravings. I must have put on 40 pounds. Oh - and this is cute, my ex-husband will be here in a week to see our son sing. Won't I just look like shit compared to hi s 24 year old wife - who is currently in Iraq - and skinny, and happy. Ugh. I could puke. (literally.)

Okay, so nothing is good, nothing is right, and I miss so much about my old life. I could cry. (And do.)

Oh - hey, if anyone reads this...I need a female mentor...one is who smart, thin, and willing to get me that way. I'll do whatever you say except for drugs. I need more to my life than shit. Please. I'm begging you.