respect

respect: "I fail to see how getting a cup of coffee for our boss or a client in any way diminishes us as persons. In my opinion the person who deserves no respect is the one who thinks he/she is too good for such menial tasks."

I totally disagree with this statement. It's a new age, and lawyers "of a certain age" (as well as their legal secretaries) are on the way out...I will not get a cup of coffee for any attorney. Fuck that. I'll support them in any other way possible, but get a cup of coffee for them? Uhm...I don't think so.

The legal secretary who wrote that I deserve no respect for thinking I'm too good for such a menial task as getting a cup of coffee is a dinosaur. This is why nobody wants to grow up to be a legal secretary anymore...that's what their perception of the position is. I want to be a legal secretary - and I want respect, which I am earning, but if someone wants a cup of coffee they can get it their damn self.

My Job Hurts People

I work at a law firm, so that's not particularly surprising - but I believe fully, 100% without a doubt, that the level of stress, hatred, and ruthlessness causes people to become physically and emotionally ill. We have two legal secretaries who are out on extended sick leave - one with mono, which you generally catch only when you're run down. Everyone there is run down to nothing, though. I'm surprised we all didn't catch it. Another legal secretary caught it (making that three out) but got a milder case of it, and was back to work within a few days.

People cry daily in our department. People have panic attacks daily in our department. The words "fucking bitch" are spoken daily, as well. Many times, in fact. And don't take this as a limitation to just me and my co-worker in the next desk - oh, no...it's the entire floor that consists of the Trademark Department. The stress if phenomenal - because the people make it that way. Not the work - which isn't difficult, but the people. And definitely a select few people.

My HR person couldn't even help me so she set me up with someone deeper into helping with situations like this...Tracy. Tracy suggested that I buy a book called The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized WOrkplace and Surviving One That Isn't

That's how bad it is. Anyway, I ordered the book immediately. I should get it next week. I hope to God it helps because I,personally, have been doing nothing but panicking and crying for the past two weeks. I even got drunk off my ass last night - doing shots of cheap vodka like I was in college or something, and felt great for the first time in weeks. (Then, of course, I woke up feeling like someone had wrapped barbed wire around my head and was pulling it tighter and tighter - AND having a major panic attack. I guess I'd asked for that, though.)

On a lighter - non related note - I got two kittens who are just absolutely adorable to the point where it's almost sickening to look at them. I just love them both so much already :) They make me happy in a world designed to make people feel like complete and utter shit.

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Did I Say My New Job Was Cool? I'm A Dweeb.

Okay, so is there always ONE psychotic bitch in every department of every business in every locale of the planet??? She's out to get everyone, and today it was my turn. The fucking bitch made me cry - she was SO callous, so condescending! I was so shocked that someone would have the nerve to talk to a coworker like that. It was so unprofessional, and ... it really hurt my feelings. So, I immediately went out to smoke a cigarette and fortunately the girl (20 years old, and very nice) followed me and gave me a pep talk. I still don't know what to do, but it was nice to hear from her that I was doing a great job, and that this evil bitch really does hate everyone. I was also warned that she will try to sabotage me - FOR REAL!! What the FUCK is that shit? What is this? Junior High???

Ugh.

So, anyway, on a lighter note I went to a dance club/bar/casino on Saturday night and had a total fucking blast. I even had 1/2 of a drink and got totally fucked up on it. I didn't dance, and I didn't win any money, but I did - I had so much fun it was ridiculous. I want to go every weekend forever!!!

My sister will be here in less than a month, but I don't know if I can take any days off of work considering that the first 90 days is SO important. I've not heard of anyone who's had a good 90 day review because of bitch-lady aforementioned. Wench. I really, really wanted to take the day before and of my birthday off so I could see my sister as much as humanly possible, but now I don't know what's going to happen. Well, no matter what I'll at least finally - after 2 1/2 years - get to see her.

I'm so emotionally exhausted from dealing with my psychiatrist about the xanax issue. I no longer want to stop taking it - my goal has changed. Now I just want to make it through the day without freaking out. I ran out of xanax early and had to call Dr. Asshole/Psychiatrist, and he was a snot to me on the phone saying that I should never ever take xanax unless it's my regular dose time. Uhmmm...nooooo. God he was a prick. He gave me 12 tablets to get through until I see him on Friday...asshole. I'll be finding a new psychiatrist immediately, of course. THe problem is that I have to face him and talk to him and acquiesce just so he'll refill the goddamn prescription. AAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgh.

I am so fucking frustrated with EVERYTHING.

AND I got a big-ass cut on my hand today, smacked my elbow HARD, and wore uncomfortable shoes. :(

Tomorrow's gotta be better. GOT TO BE.

Last Day on the Job - Start Anew Monday

Being in my new office is really cool, except that I don't know what I actually need in it yet. It's still got stuff from the last resident in it - and stuff from other people, so really - I have no clue what's mine to deal with or move. And the jerks took my printer, so I won't get one until Monday'ish. Ugh.

I spent all of the last three days training new guy how to do my job, and he still doesn't know. It's frustrating. He seriously did not take ONE single note. Nothing. I know he's not going to work out for decaf-boss...ooh, I mean decaf-ex-boss!

I'll spend most of next week in training meetings, which is cool. Not much thinking, and not much work, but full pay. (Major thumbs up.)

Going fishing this weekend and hoping to catch some salmon.

Boring blog post. I know.

September And Time To Update

Okay, so I have no real clue when I last updated my blog.

My cat, pictured in the post below, was hit by a car last month -that sucks. I really loved her a lot. She was a wonderful cat.

Okay, so work...I've been at my job for almost 14 months now. My boss was getting really pissy with me one day and so I applied for a department assistant position in the Trademark Department - and got it! I really impressed everyone that I talked to, and they kept my pay the same - but I get 15 PTO days, and 9 or 10 holidays paid a year. How awesome. Oh, and free benefits, which is excellent! :) In effect, it's like a $520/mo raise. I start on September 10th. No more freelancer for me - I'm a full-fledged employee! WOOT!!!

I'm going to miss Pam and Candace, but I'm sure I'll still talk to them every day. I don't know what Pam's going to do - but I think she's ready to start looking for a full time position at this point, too. (She's on jury duty this week, though, so that sucks for her...see, she won't get paid for that because she's a freelancer. So not fair.)

Diet-wise...yeah, not going great. I was doing great for a whole month and then we had our company picnic, so I cheated all that day - which led to my going off the diet. I wasn't losing weight anyway, which really pissed me off. All that work and like, nothing!?! I'm still walking A LOT, though, so at least I'm keeping steady'ish at the weight I am now...it doesn't help that Lexapro is adding a pound or so a month. I hate that. I want off of it. Grrrr.

Grande lives with me again...he has since four months after he left, so that's - what - April? Yeah, I guess he's been back for five months or so. He had a job cleaning ultrasound equipment, but quit that last week because the guy cut his pay two dollars an hour and it was only 12 hours a week. Hopefully he'll find something soon. He also bought a car. (Now he just needs a license and a job, so he can pay for the insurance and gas.) He's doing okay. Well, other than him passing out all the time. He says it happens once or twice a week. We took him to the doctor on Thursday. He seemed in perfect shape...his blood pressure was low'ish, but not too low (but he was nervous so it may have been artificially elevated.) His EKG was perfect, too. The doctor ordered a heart monitor called King of Hearts that he'll wear for three weeks - he's supposed to press a button when he passes out. I just don't know how I'll get him to wear it. And - no, this passing out has NEVER happened in my presence OR Tall's presence. I am really concerned about it. :(

I hate when my babies aren't feeling 100%. :(

Hmmm...ex-husband got married to a 24-year-old lesbian. She's in Iraq at the moment. The kids really like her, though - she seems nice enough from what I've heard. It's really sad to marry a guy when you're a lesbian, though - I mean, talk about living a lie...how do you ever get out of that??? Sad. Of course, I've wondered about Rich's sexual orientation for almost 20 years so who the hell knows.

Venti and I are doing well, though...neither of us are gay LOL - so there's that! :) We had a wonderful 5th Wedding Anniversary. We stayed at a hotel and casino, and just basically did what you'd expect, and had a great time doing it. I do love that man. Mmmm...

Let's see, what else...I'm working my way off of my meds for my panic attacks. I'm 1/2 way there almost. It's been VERY difficult. I'm still not driving, but trying - also very difficult. I'm still seeing the same psychologist, but not doing my homework, so it's my fault that I'm not further along - certainly not his.

My sister and her husband are coming to visit me in October - that will be incredibly awesome. :) I can't wait - only six weeks away, and she's already bought the tickets! I wish my mom would have agreed to come with, though. I really miss her, too!

Shit, I'm supposed to be in bed. I hate the commute still. Ugh. I'm still really torn about whether or not to move to the Seattle side. We've recently become "into" fishing for salmon - and it's so convenient to just drive for 1/2 hour and be at a nice beach ... in three weekends we haven't actually caught anything, but I know our luck will change :)

We went to a Labor Day picnic last night with Venti's friend (and mine) J-Decaf. We had a really good time, but left after 2 hours. I'd love to live in a neighborhood where there were block parties...it must be so nice to have neighbors who aren't total assholes. Or ... well, just neighbors.

Okay, off to bed for me. I dyed my hair "cherry bomb" (brownish pinkish reddish) and then put lighter streaks in it. It looks really cool, I think, but I always get nervous about going to work the day after I do something dramatic with my hair.

I Got A Tattoo!

I can't believe it - I'm so thrilled! It didn't even hurt :) It's right over my heart, and it's the Chinese symbol for love, and surrounding it is Venti's, Grande's, Tall's, and Short's astrological symbols. It's black with a purple drop-shadow on the smaller symbols. I LOVE IT!!! I'll post a picture as soon as it's healed!

My Beautiful GIrl. Margo.

 

Gender Genie - Way too cool.

Gender Genie This thing is so cool. If you paste some text into it (more than 500 words preferred) it will tell you whether a male or female wrote it. So far it's been correct about everything I've entered except when I was using my 'business voice' in emails.

Very cool.

Can't Sleep. Must Work.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. I can't NOT go to work in the morning - but I'm supposed to get up in four hours. I left work 90 minutes early today, and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so staying home does not work. I just can't figure out what I'm going to do, though. I'm fried.

Been thinking about how much money I earn. My paychecks are like, usually right around $850. $1700 a month.

Daycare costs around $1000 of that. (Down to $700 net.)
My ferry pass costs right around $100. (Down to $600 net, although I do get a partial refund.
Morning coffee costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $560 net.)
Breakfast costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $520 net.)
Lunch costs $5 - that's $100 a month. (Down to $420 net.)

There are other little expenses that go along with me working. Somehow it doesn't seem worth it. We're broke beyond words, and it's just getting worse. I somehow think that I'm going to have to explore other job options - which sucks, because my panic doctors are both in Seattle, and having to go over there twice or three times a month is seriously going to cost. (not to mention that I have to pay for their services. The CBT doctor is $280 a month - I get a partial refund, though.) So basically I'm not actually making any money. I miss my kids. I am exhausted from traveling so damn much - seriously 20 hours a week, no joke. 4 fucking hours a day. Who does that for so little payoff?

It also costs us money for gas and parking because if it were just Venti going over to Seattle he'd park at a park-n-ride and take the bus for free. We drive 35 miles round-trip every day, plus pay something like $80 a month for parking. Our car is falling apart.

These are actually conservative numbers. I have had lower paychecks. Breakfast and/or lunch has cost more money. In some cases much more money. Some days I spend $2.50 to get the little guy a snack for the ferry ride home because his daycare sucks and a later afternoon snack consists of 6 saltine crackers and a cup of water, several hours after he's eaten lunch.

Yeah, so doing this math - after 9 months at my job - I really just don't think it's working out. I have to find a way to work in Poulsbo and pay lower daycare. And also find a way to use the older boys to watch him as much as possible. At least I'd be home more often, make more money, etc. And that way we'd be able to just settle on staying in this town instead of constantly thinking about moving to the city, which costs so goddamn much money it's ridiculous.

I'm also worried that I'm pregnant, and worried that if I am pregnant, would I keep the baby. I guess that's a hurdle to jump when the hurdle presents itself. Must take stronger measure to not get pregnant, if I'm not currently. And Venti wonders why we have "it" so rarely. I obsess every day that I've become pregnant, and after my last pregnancy, well - it's just not something I think I'd be able to physically or emotionally handle. I'd go insane and fear for my life, have hideous panic every day, fear for the baby's life, and fear for my family's financial future every second of the entire nine months. And no. I'm stating that I could not handle that again.

Fuck. Less than 4 hours until the alarm goes off. What am I going to do?

Guess I'll see what jobs are available out there in the world nearby. I know that Dave's friend's wife says that there are jobs where she works. I wonder if she could drive me there. It's in Silverdale. Eh, just a random thought.

God. I know I'll be in so much trouble from my boss and Venti if I don't go in tomorrow. :(

Can't Handle This Anymore

Just said good morning to my boss, but it's not. I just sent an email to my psychologist's office telling them to cancel all of my future appointments. The only reason I've been able to keep my job and believe in myself and have a teeny shred of dignity is because of that psychologist telling me that I CAN do this shit. And obviously I can't because I want nothing more than to get up out of this chair, walk to the ferry, and go home for good. My working costs us money in the end - how fucked up is that? I've never, ever, ever in my life been this poor. How does your bank account go SO negative only a few days after fucking payday??? We're not even fucking spending any money on frills! OMG, wait - we went to see a fucking movie last weekend. Good God, are we insane??

I just don't get it. How do people make life work? How do they avoid their daycare check bouncing? How do they avoid $1000 a month daycare to begin with??? Shit, that's more than half of what I made last month...and my paycheck coming up next week will be a small one, too. nice, huh? NO - it's NOT FUCKING NICE. It feels awful.

No money. No money. No money.

Okay. I have to try harder. SOmeone has to. But I can't. And everyone is trying harder, I shouldn't say they aren't - but what can I fucking do??? 2nd job is the only thing I can think of so I'm going to start looking for that today. If we only lived closer to work then I'd have more time to work at a second job. I could start at 6 or whatever and work until 10 or 11. But no. Can't live closer. Kids don't want that because it would ruin their lives because of school and their friends - and hell, we don't have the money to cover move-in costs or renting a u-haul truck anyway.

So we're fucked. In every direction - and it's not fun.

And I smile and wave - smile and wave - people keep saying Gooood morning!!!! And I smile and wave.

This fucking blows.

And you know what? I really love this job. I don't want to lose it. But it doesn't pay enough. Not nearly.

My eyes are brimming with tears on this joyous day.

My Son Made Me Laugh - a nearly impossible thing to do

Grande: i got mad and kicked my computer and it was so dramatic, the screen turned red, the blue screen came on, it made a funny grinding sound, then restarted. i was like omg, drama much?? thats what u get for freezing on me. i really need a mac.
this was a few hours ago...

Going on 7 Months & My 15-year-old Is Perfect

I've had my job for nearly 7 months now, and other than mentioning it on here I haven't really thought a whole lot about it. I still love, love, love my job - finally got a nameplate on my office last week, so that was cool :) It's not my first (or even most private) office, but it IS my first nameplate.

We went to Seattle today to get some home organization things from a store called Storeables. It was a bit too dormy for me - but we did get a few cool things (including lunch at Zao's - SCORE on the spicy Thai noodles!)

I went to the dentist 2 weeks ago and have been in really bad pain ever since. Not so much my teeth, but my gums and especially my neck. I went to the Urgent Care center yesterday morning and the doctor gave me vicodin and a muscle relaxer - neither of which do anything to help at all, unfortunately. Advil works better than anything.

Tall Decaf had an AMAZING jazz solo performance last night. Oh my God my son can sing like an angel! He sang "Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra, but with a Latin beat. I bought a new video camera thanks to my ex-husband paying some child support arrears to avoid going to jail. (That's what it takes to get the man to pay any money for his own child...the threat of jail.) So, since I've gotten no help from him for a while and spent every penny we had raising kids - I figured Jazz Night would be on ex-husband dipshit decaf. $1000 30 gig HD camcorder, $60 for 3 tickets to the show, and $200 worth of silent auction items we bid on and won. (The best being a nice bottle of red wine for Dave, and for me an awesome handcrafted necklace.) And the best part was free (other than the suit we had to buy for him...) - my beautiful son singing so amazingly. Thanks Dick.

Finally got our cell phones turned back on after Tall and Grande decaf racked up the bill to over a grand. The account was shut off, and I was told there'd be a credit check and a deposit if necessary, but I passed the credit check and there was no deposit - they withdrew the early termination fees, and I only ended up paying a little less than a grand to get the phones back. So now Tall Decaf can't ever use the phone again unless we hand it to him on the weekend.

I miss my mom. I talked to her yesterday and the day before, but until then it had been a long time. She's doing well, but her husband (still can't call him my step-dad) needs another back surgery. She bought an investment house. She's amazing.

My sister is now selling burial plots in a hick-ass town for a living. How low of a job is that? She's still not talking to me after having fucked me over emotionally for the nth time in my life. Of course I'm sure everyone is of the opinion that it's my fault somehow.

Grande Decaf is smoking now. I am so disappointed. He's living with his father so I'm not surprised, just bummed about it. He's also finally gotten a job at a mini-market, but it's only a few hours a week - and still no drivers license or GED. I miss him and wish he'd move back here, but I guess he believes that he's better off out there. Maybe someday he'll change his mind.

I should have been in bed an hour ago - so off I go to take some Advil and try to get some sleep.

I wasn't going to mention it because I don't want to jinx it, but I'm starting a diet tomorrow. No more tofu fries for a while. :( Okay, honestly - I have to admit they're just a method for getting to the peanut sauce. *sigh* I'm gonna miss Thai food for the next few months.

God I Need Coffee

It's 2pm and I haven't had any coffee. My head is pounding despite the 4 Advil I took a while ago. It is Sunday, and as of this time I have had no actual weekend to speak of. Well, other than the fact that I didn't go to work - that's the only thing that marks it as a weekend.

I'm tired. Always tired. I work too far away, and don't know if I ever want to move to Seattle - north of Seattle, or east of Seattle. I like it where I live. I love my job. It's taking years off of my life commuting the way we do. So what are my options? Rhetorical question. NRN.

My son told me today that my ex-husband wants to tell me "himself" that he is getting married next month. His fiance is 6 years older than our son. I could literaly vomit. Why does my son like to gossip so much. If ex-husband wanted to tell me he was getting married then why didn't my son just let HIM tell me. I know he was looking for a response. Mine was - and I quote - "LOL".

My original thought was "I wonder if this means he'll never come out of the closet." My second thought was "Well, at least he can't marry my sister." My third thought was "LOL". At least there weren't any horrifying feelings of crushedness. I was kind of expecting that, but there weren't. Kind of cool. Growth is a cool thing.

I haven't spoken to my mom or sister in a long time. That bugs me. I've done nothing wrong, nothing at all, and yet I'm being villianized. Somehow they've turned me into this monster - and my son is there, right there - to soak up all that negativity about me. Fucking bastards.

So, I've got a 3 more days until its' been 6 months at my job. I hope I get a review and a raise, but being denoted as a 'freelancer' I'm not holding my breath. I've been looking at staff job postings but nothing of interest has yet to come up. As soon as it does I will apply so I can start getting benefits - like less expensive insurance and PTO accrual. Very nice. Oh, and the 5% December 15th bonus - also very nice. If my husband and I both got that things would be very sweet for Christmas this year.

I hate not having a weekend. Hate it with a passion. Last week was hellish long, and I only worked 3 days of it because of MLK day and a snow day. I needed a real weekend, and am not getting one. Grrrrrrr.

Panic attacks are getting better, though. My therapist is really great. Yesterday I have a level 10 panic attack that I personally wrestled down to a level 2 in under 10 minutes. Very interesting. No need for medicine, either. Life is changing for the better.

Now...if I could just afford to go back on a low-carb diet and lose all the weight I just regained after losing so much I'll be much happier.

Gotta go. My coffee ride is here.