Can't Sleep. Must Work.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind. I can't NOT go to work in the morning - but I'm supposed to get up in four hours. I left work 90 minutes early today, and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, so staying home does not work. I just can't figure out what I'm going to do, though. I'm fried.

Been thinking about how much money I earn. My paychecks are like, usually right around $850. $1700 a month.

Daycare costs around $1000 of that. (Down to $700 net.)
My ferry pass costs right around $100. (Down to $600 net, although I do get a partial refund.
Morning coffee costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $560 net.)
Breakfast costs $2 - that's $40 a month. (Down to $520 net.)
Lunch costs $5 - that's $100 a month. (Down to $420 net.)

There are other little expenses that go along with me working. Somehow it doesn't seem worth it. We're broke beyond words, and it's just getting worse. I somehow think that I'm going to have to explore other job options - which sucks, because my panic doctors are both in Seattle, and having to go over there twice or three times a month is seriously going to cost. (not to mention that I have to pay for their services. The CBT doctor is $280 a month - I get a partial refund, though.) So basically I'm not actually making any money. I miss my kids. I am exhausted from traveling so damn much - seriously 20 hours a week, no joke. 4 fucking hours a day. Who does that for so little payoff?

It also costs us money for gas and parking because if it were just Venti going over to Seattle he'd park at a park-n-ride and take the bus for free. We drive 35 miles round-trip every day, plus pay something like $80 a month for parking. Our car is falling apart.

These are actually conservative numbers. I have had lower paychecks. Breakfast and/or lunch has cost more money. In some cases much more money. Some days I spend $2.50 to get the little guy a snack for the ferry ride home because his daycare sucks and a later afternoon snack consists of 6 saltine crackers and a cup of water, several hours after he's eaten lunch.

Yeah, so doing this math - after 9 months at my job - I really just don't think it's working out. I have to find a way to work in Poulsbo and pay lower daycare. And also find a way to use the older boys to watch him as much as possible. At least I'd be home more often, make more money, etc. And that way we'd be able to just settle on staying in this town instead of constantly thinking about moving to the city, which costs so goddamn much money it's ridiculous.

I'm also worried that I'm pregnant, and worried that if I am pregnant, would I keep the baby. I guess that's a hurdle to jump when the hurdle presents itself. Must take stronger measure to not get pregnant, if I'm not currently. And Venti wonders why we have "it" so rarely. I obsess every day that I've become pregnant, and after my last pregnancy, well - it's just not something I think I'd be able to physically or emotionally handle. I'd go insane and fear for my life, have hideous panic every day, fear for the baby's life, and fear for my family's financial future every second of the entire nine months. And no. I'm stating that I could not handle that again.

Fuck. Less than 4 hours until the alarm goes off. What am I going to do?

Guess I'll see what jobs are available out there in the world nearby. I know that Dave's friend's wife says that there are jobs where she works. I wonder if she could drive me there. It's in Silverdale. Eh, just a random thought.

God. I know I'll be in so much trouble from my boss and Venti if I don't go in tomorrow. :(