I switched from Prozac to Lexapro several weeks ago and the "Duhhhh" feelings have let up slightly. Not greatly, as I was hoping for. The - errr, sexual side effects DO exist for Lexapro even though I was told they do not. I still wake up every morning and feel that I can tell that it's definitely time to take the Xanax XR - and 7 hours later, when I'm supposed to take the next dose of it - I can also really tell that it's time to take it. I get very jumpy and nervous - not panicky - just, very anxious. Although I've been doing pretty good when going out, such as to a restaurant, there are still times that I have to take 1/2 mg of regular xanax to get through it without thinking I'm going to die. I hate panic attacks - did I mention that?
Things have been crazy in my home - my nephew - MC Decaf - moved in with our family, then moved out, then moved back in and stayed for about 5 weeks, then moved out again. He is 17 and idolizes 50 Cent - he wants to live the Eminem dream and he is so immersed in it that in a few months when he is 18, he's going to be bitchslapped into reality and maybe, just maybe someday he'll realize that dropping out of school wasn't the right thing to do to pursue a career in music, when to be honest - his music isn't all that good. It makes all of his little girl groupies in his little city at home all hot and rammy for him - but uhm, it's a hick town and he's one bad-ass mutha gansta, although he's a 6' tall brown haired bright blue eyed kid, whose eyes still have the innocence of a 10 year old. Sure, he's been arrested a few times, put in lock-up for a few months - but all in all, this is not a kid who can market himself as the next Eminem in my belief.
And yet, he lived with us, and we heard his music day in and day out, these terrible and nasty lyrics, beats that were ripped off from other artists...and we supported him, listened to his finished tracks and said that we liked them, sometimes we did - most times it was painful listening - but then always went right back to "So MC Decaf, did you open that savings account yet?"
Our lives have been a roiling pit of shit, decay and fire for several months.
So, MC Decaf moved out because we made him put his studio into a small storage room - it's like 8' by 8'. He called his mom, my sister, and 'told on us' and said that we'd made him move into that room - even to sleep, which is utter bullshit - it was for his computer, his "mic room" - that's it. So, she came down, (a week after refusing to let him ever come home) and got him. This was three days ago and it has been SO much more peaceful here ever since.
You know - that entire time that he was here - our regular, difficult life was still going on around us. Short Decaf has his eye surgery on the 15th of September and I'm very nervous about that - even though they call it a procedure, it's still surgery to me, and scares me really badly. I just hate that I won't be with my baby for like, 2 hours. I could cry. I know it's for the best, but still - it's difficult.
Venti STILL hasn't gotten a new or better job, (not his fault though) not even a side job that was promised to him. His friend is really screwing him over mentally and career-wise - and this behaviour has been going on for something sick like 2 years now - every day there is supposed to be the hope that SOMETHING will happen, yet Venti and I have given up any actual hope of anything happening - it's still difficult, but it certainly is easier than believing our shout-out's to the universe have been answered and it's just ONE more turn around the corner. Every turn we make, there's another turn before we can reach "it." So, yeah - we're done with the hopes.
So, my grandmother fell two weeks ago and broke her hip and possibly had a stroke. (She lives in Texas and I live in Virginia.) This is unsettling because my uncle never called me or anyone else to tell us and I only found out this past weekend. I have to get her a card - I feel so bad that she hasn't heard from any of her granddaughters - but she can't possibly know that it's because her son never told anyone that she fell. Asshole.
Venti and I feel like we've aged 20 years in the past two months. It's been difficult. Money has been so much more than tight - and I feel tremendous guilt for not working (as usual.) I wish I could just be normal. I try to be - but it doesn't work, I panic, it's part of me, and that's that.
Tall and Grande go back to school in exactly two weeks. Grande is going into high school - hard to believe. Seems like just yesterday that I was in high school - I hope things go well for him and that he makes some friends, he still has none here. He wants nothing more than to turn 16 and get a job, make money, drive his car; he doesn't know where to, just somewhere that's not home. I remember feeling like that but it was because I lived in an isolated area and my parents were never home, my friends were on the other side of the world it seemed - so getting a car (which I paid for) was the key that i needed to reach all of that - for real. Grande doesn't live in an isolated area, there are a ton of kids right near here, several malls within walking distance, etc. If he's this miserable now - how the hell is a car going to make it all better?
Well, I am tired of bitching.
Oh, I've also become an Everquest addict. This all began in May. I LOVE EVERQUEST!
