Well, it's about 45 minutes from being October 1st, which is the day we move into our own house. I'm so very glad that this week is over. It's just been mindnumbing to be in sister-in-law Decaf's house all week. She's not the problem, as I said before. She's really nice and everything, but maybe it's one of those woman things where you just NEED your own house for your own family. I don't know. I just know I've been utterly stressed beyond words, and so happy to finally know that when I go to sleep tomorrow night it will be in MY house. My rules, my ways of doing things, just mine, mine, mine.
Venti, you know I love you.
Venti has been extremely excited about his new job since his first day. They've given him a bouquet of flowers and great gifts, a wonderful office where he's eye-to-eye with the Space Needle, all the freshly ground Starbuck's coffee he can drink, and the latest and greatest technology and everything else the world has to offer in the most beautiful building in Seattle. I am so very glad that he's so excited about it, but I'm an ogre for feeling jealous and even slightly resentful when he goes on and on about it, but then kind of doesn't want to listen to what I've got to say. I admit that it's not much that I've got to comment on, but still.
I guess this is the time of my life when I have to make my own life with my own friends, likes, dislikes, conversations, just things that Venti isn't a part of anymore. He has so much here that makes him happy already, and I have to find that for myself. I'm officially an executive wife now. I immediately picture some 1950's housewife pulling a roast out of the oven moments before her husband comes home. Yeah. That'll fucking happen. Right.
Venti's sister doesn't quite yet believe that I have a brain in my head. His sister has been a tad pushy on getting things done, especially surrounding the kid's school. I know how these things work, and could do it on my own - but I really did need to wait until the lease came through and we had it in our hands before the school would even talk to us. His sister told him to tell me to start looking for immunization records now because the school will need them. Like I haven't put the boys into schools before? I don't know - it's just the way it's all said. And, of course, because Short Decaf is being a monster lately for some reason - opening doors and just walking outside - she is overly adament about us putting indoor locks or safeguards on all the doors in our new rental house so he doesn't walk out into the street. I mean, come on. Like I wouldn't think of that? I'll explain and say that Short Decaf has never had the opportunity to open doors before, and that opening doors is very new and exciting to him...but this is, again, a very new thing - specifically since we spent the first night in a hotel prior to starting our trip. He's been fascinated ever since. I know this. I have seen this. I am not about to let my little boy walk out of the front, basement, or back door and let him wonder off into traffic. It just annoys me. I think it annoys me even more because Venti is so wrapped up in himself right now, rightfully so I suppose, to notice that any of this shit goes on. He just doesn't see it, but still - it infuriates me.
I know that I'll be able to make a good life here and that we're going to live here for many, many year - and so I'd better make a life for myself, and all of that. I'm going to have to because I am not going to spend my whole life proving to Venti's family that I'm not a fucking moron.
Yes, I have panic attacks and a driving phobia the size of Montana, but I am not a fucking moron. Not even a moron. Not stupid. What I am is stressed out about all the changes in my life and not having anyone to talk to about them. Venti will suggest a counselor or the local find-a-friend service (as if it were that easy), but to be honest I really don't know WHAT it is that I need right now. I suppose out of everything I just need to grow some goddamn roots and get a life.
I need a car. I think it's disempowering to be left at home all day without a car. Venti said I could drive him down to the bus stop / park-n-ride every morning that I wanted the car, and that way I would have the Passat anytime I wanted it - but it's HIS car. I'm sure he's still squeamish about the pendant I hung off of the rear-view mirror.
Well, for all of my bitching/venting - which was nice - I suppose I ought to try and get some sleep now. We rented an SUV for tomorrow morning from the local Enterprise so that we'd have something bigger than a small trunk to stow away all the stuff we have to buy tomorrow for our empty house. We have it all weekend, and I hope that we can find the things we need to make it a comfortable house without breaking the bank....or doing any more damage to my ankle ;) (Oh - did I mention I majorly, majorly twisted my ankle last Saturday? It hurts like a bitch! No broken bones, thank God, but man does it hurt. The doctor said there are two directions, of course, to twist your ankle, and I went ahead and twisted mine the worst way that takes the longest time to heal. Naturally!)
Off to bed, then IKEA...but at least I get to go into Seattle tomorrow. That'll be nice.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Arrived at Destination Five Days Ago
The move isn't 'quite' over. Not yet. We made it to Seattle (despite my hideous driving phobia) late last Friday night. We looked for houses to rent all weekend and came up empty-handed. We finally got one that is temporary - only 9 months - which I think we're moving into this weekend, although our belongings are still on a truck god only knows where, and won't be here until a week from Saturday. I'm having a hard time getting the kids into school here because I don't have a lease or anything that proves that we live here yet.
It's hard living with Venti's sister. She's nice, but her and her boyfriend are both super-neat-freaks and I've been walking on eggshells trying to make sure that nothing - and I do mean NOTHING - shows any evidence that we're here. Of course, Short Decaf has been acting like a 2 1/2 year old bad-ass. I don't know where this came from, but he really is NOT acting like my sweet little baby, which is driving everyone insane.
I feel really frantic. I feel like we haven't really gotten here yet because I don't have anything that is MINE around me. I feel like pulling my hair out at the end of every day, and am terrified of the time between 3 and 7 PM. That's the time frame between when Venti's sister and her boyfriend come home from work and when Venti gets here. He gets here at 7. So I have this whole entire day to make sure that the house is clean, Short Decaf isn't running or wrecking anything, Tall and Grande aren't fucking with anything or being slobs or making a mess or eating the wrong thing or on, and on, and on. I really wish we were in our new house because, damn, I'm just a fucking mess at the end of the day. I wish I was a drinker sometimes.
Everyone around me is. God, what IS it with people drinking? We went to look at the house we're going ot rent and there was a 12-pack of beer in the fridge. The first thing Sister-In-Law Decaf's boyfriend did when he ran into the house was open one and suck it down, then head for another one? Everyone has a couple of drinks - hard ones - every night. I guess I shouldn't bitch - at least they're not as critical when they're drunk.
So, about the trip. It went okay except for two days where I panicked. I panicked pretty bad the first day, and had to pull off of an exit in Ohio and let xanax kick in. I had to have Venti pull into exits like once or twice that day. After that I was okay until the last day - day 8 - of our trip when I had THE WORST panic attack. It was in Missoula, Montana and we were stuck there for 3 fucking hours in a truck stop parking lot while I just kept taking more and more xanax to try and make it go away, but it wouldn't. I called my panic doctor and had him paged, and he told me to take more xanax than I was comfortable with - but I did it, and finally I was able to be back on the road. This, however, got us to our destination at 11 o'clock at night instead of 8, which kind of fucked up some plans a little. Man, it was a bad panic attack, though. It just wouldn't stop. I think I was really scared of getting to this house and then everything stopping the way it did. Travelling and being with Venti and the kids, staying at hotels, having fun, etc., for so long and then suddenly I'm completely alone with the kids in a strangers house.
Anyway, since I've been here I haven't had any panic attacks, and am taking less medicine than I was on any given day in Virginia. Of course, I've been very, very busy all day.
I still can't believe I travelled 3,000 miles. I can't believe I made it. I honestly, at times, didn't think that I would.
In other news, my own sister's husband re-joined the Army and will be active duty in a month. They gave him a $15,000 signing bonus and he's enlisted for 6 years. Since he's already put 7 1/2 years into the military he'll be able to retire from the military when he's 51 years old. I just can't beleive he's been out of the military since just after the first gulf war in the early 90's, and here it is fifteen years later and he's joined up again. He says it makes him happy, and so I guess that's all that matters.
That's all I have time to write at the moment....I'll catch up more as soon as I can.
It's hard living with Venti's sister. She's nice, but her and her boyfriend are both super-neat-freaks and I've been walking on eggshells trying to make sure that nothing - and I do mean NOTHING - shows any evidence that we're here. Of course, Short Decaf has been acting like a 2 1/2 year old bad-ass. I don't know where this came from, but he really is NOT acting like my sweet little baby, which is driving everyone insane.
I feel really frantic. I feel like we haven't really gotten here yet because I don't have anything that is MINE around me. I feel like pulling my hair out at the end of every day, and am terrified of the time between 3 and 7 PM. That's the time frame between when Venti's sister and her boyfriend come home from work and when Venti gets here. He gets here at 7. So I have this whole entire day to make sure that the house is clean, Short Decaf isn't running or wrecking anything, Tall and Grande aren't fucking with anything or being slobs or making a mess or eating the wrong thing or on, and on, and on. I really wish we were in our new house because, damn, I'm just a fucking mess at the end of the day. I wish I was a drinker sometimes.
Everyone around me is. God, what IS it with people drinking? We went to look at the house we're going ot rent and there was a 12-pack of beer in the fridge. The first thing Sister-In-Law Decaf's boyfriend did when he ran into the house was open one and suck it down, then head for another one? Everyone has a couple of drinks - hard ones - every night. I guess I shouldn't bitch - at least they're not as critical when they're drunk.
So, about the trip. It went okay except for two days where I panicked. I panicked pretty bad the first day, and had to pull off of an exit in Ohio and let xanax kick in. I had to have Venti pull into exits like once or twice that day. After that I was okay until the last day - day 8 - of our trip when I had THE WORST panic attack. It was in Missoula, Montana and we were stuck there for 3 fucking hours in a truck stop parking lot while I just kept taking more and more xanax to try and make it go away, but it wouldn't. I called my panic doctor and had him paged, and he told me to take more xanax than I was comfortable with - but I did it, and finally I was able to be back on the road. This, however, got us to our destination at 11 o'clock at night instead of 8, which kind of fucked up some plans a little. Man, it was a bad panic attack, though. It just wouldn't stop. I think I was really scared of getting to this house and then everything stopping the way it did. Travelling and being with Venti and the kids, staying at hotels, having fun, etc., for so long and then suddenly I'm completely alone with the kids in a strangers house.
Anyway, since I've been here I haven't had any panic attacks, and am taking less medicine than I was on any given day in Virginia. Of course, I've been very, very busy all day.
I still can't believe I travelled 3,000 miles. I can't believe I made it. I honestly, at times, didn't think that I would.
In other news, my own sister's husband re-joined the Army and will be active duty in a month. They gave him a $15,000 signing bonus and he's enlisted for 6 years. Since he's already put 7 1/2 years into the military he'll be able to retire from the military when he's 51 years old. I just can't beleive he's been out of the military since just after the first gulf war in the early 90's, and here it is fifteen years later and he's joined up again. He says it makes him happy, and so I guess that's all that matters.
That's all I have time to write at the moment....I'll catch up more as soon as I can.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
One Full Day Away
Well, wow. We're getting down to the wire with the move. The landlord will be here tomorrow morning at 10 AM to do God knows what. I hope I'm still asleep, but I know - at that time - I won't be because there's still so goddamn much to do, and only 36 hours to do it...plus, it would be kind of fucked up to be asleep in bed when the landlord is touring the house.
Venti was supposed to stay up late tonight and work on stuff, but succumbed to sleep early despite my not-so-subtle bribery attempts. He says he'll wake up early and get everything done, but we'll see.
I'm not tired, but I know I have to sleep now. I still have no idea what I'm going to pack my clothing in - these, and a thousand other thoughts are what will be running through my head for the next few hours as I try to fall asleep.
A quick note: I didn't have any panic today - even when going out to the grocery store - I actually had fun. Maybe there's a not-so-bad time ahead on this trip. Maybe I can get over my driving phobia and actually enjoy this - what should be - cross-country adventure. That would be really, really nice.
Venti was supposed to stay up late tonight and work on stuff, but succumbed to sleep early despite my not-so-subtle bribery attempts. He says he'll wake up early and get everything done, but we'll see.
I'm not tired, but I know I have to sleep now. I still have no idea what I'm going to pack my clothing in - these, and a thousand other thoughts are what will be running through my head for the next few hours as I try to fall asleep.
A quick note: I didn't have any panic today - even when going out to the grocery store - I actually had fun. Maybe there's a not-so-bad time ahead on this trip. Maybe I can get over my driving phobia and actually enjoy this - what should be - cross-country adventure. That would be really, really nice.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Some Things to Be Excited About
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy came out on DVD today. I fully intend to purchase it at some point today.
- We added a day to our drive across the country, and I get to visit Breckenridge, CO now. Breckenridge is where Venti says Picabo Street lives, but I just want to visit the highest-elevation Starbucks.
- The rooms in my house are starting to echo. We leave in 4 days, 3 if you don't count today.
- My oldest son just taught my youngest son to say "pimp car" - that's not exciting, but funny, and now I have to smack my oldest and re-teach my youngest.
- Tomorrow is Venti's last day at his job.
- When we leave I get to throw away our ugly yellow microwave!
- I think today will be the day I put the purple streaks in my hair.
Monday, September 12, 2005
The Move Has Started
Well, as you can see in this picture our storage containers are here. This means we're really getting down to the wire. They drop them off and leave them in your driveway for five days. That means we have to be out of here in less than five days.
I think we're getting closer and closer to being done. There's nothing left to throw away; only things to pack, and then put into these 2 containers. I'm worried the containers won't be big enough, to be honest. I'm going to be pissed if my king-sized mattress doesn't fit, but it should.
My panic attacks are considerable when I'm driving in the car, and so I'm really nervous about the drive, which starts in exactly four days. I'm trying to be strong, brave, stoic - all that shit, but the simple fact is that I have panic attacks in the car, and I'm going to be IN the car for seven days. Yes, I am very scared. I suppose this will be like exposure therapy. I just hope it's not traumatic, and I hope to God xanax does the job of taking the panic - if any - away.
My family isn't talking to me. I suppose this is their way of saying "we care." After leaving a message for my mom on Thursday that we wouldn't be going to her house on Saturday because we had absolutely no time to spare, but anyone was welcome to come here, I expected a call. None came. I've decided not to call them - I've already tried to email my sister - who I know gets my emails - she just never returns them. I'd have thought she'd want to see - at least - Short Decaf before we left. It kind of hurts how little they care - or how they expressing their 'care'. I guess it should make it easier, emotionally, for me to leave.
God, how did I ever end up in Virginia anyway? That wasn't exactly the plan. I really can't wait to get back to Seattle. I do love it there - just, UGH - this damn driving ISSUE!!!
So, only a few more days and we're off-and-up-out.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Managed the Day
I went to the family doctor this morning, and fortunately she was very nice to me. She gave me four refills on the xanax, which should be like - WAY plenty time to find a doctor in Washington. I went in on 4 hours of sleep, and my blood pressure was 124/74. She said that was excellent. I was too tired to care, but actually it is reassuring. I thanked her for all she's done for me these past three years. I actually won't miss her that much, though. She was always patient with me, but very ... I don't know...mini-mom'ish? I know that's a retarded word to use, but I can't think of anything else.
I came home, waited for Short Decaf to get sleepy - and at the first sign of drooping eyelids I grabbed him and we took a nap. I didn't sleep well. I woke up and started panicking - of fucking course.
I panicked until about 8:30 tonight. I don't know why I don't take the dose of xanax that my doctor says I should - I take 1/2 or 1/4 of that and then wonder why the panic attack won't go the hell away. Duh.
Grande Decaf took his broken HP laptop (something with the DVD) back to Costco and got a less expensive computer. He had something like $300 or $400 left over so he bought speakers (Altec Lansing), and then gave Dave the rest of the money. Dave bought a wireless networking system and something for me - a really bitchin set of cordless phones by Uniden I've been wanting since February. Now everyone in our house, except Short Decaf, can have a phone in their room. Grande is very, very excited about his new laptop, which is a Compaq.
Right now Venti is researching renters' rights, and it appears that our landlord is, in fact, insane. She sent us a certified letter (about the house, not her sanity) , which I know her daughter wrote. Like, what? That's going to scare us? She put alot of "subsection 9 Paragraph 3" shit in it - oooooh....scary. Well, as ridiculous as it was, it IS what set off the panic attack.
God, I hate that fucking bitch.
So. Venti only goes to work at AWH FIVE MORE TIMES!!!! Yes, yes, and YES!!! I am so excited for him. He's literally watching the organization start to shake at the foundation as people begin to realize "but....who's going to do this if YOU don't???" HAhahahaha. I'm so, so very glad he's getting to see that. He deserves to have a bit shit-eating grin on his face after putting up with their crap for three years. Underpaid, overworked, and mistreated by his department leader (man-hating bitch who knows nothing about IT.)
That's my rant. Going to spend time with my men...
I came home, waited for Short Decaf to get sleepy - and at the first sign of drooping eyelids I grabbed him and we took a nap. I didn't sleep well. I woke up and started panicking - of fucking course.
I panicked until about 8:30 tonight. I don't know why I don't take the dose of xanax that my doctor says I should - I take 1/2 or 1/4 of that and then wonder why the panic attack won't go the hell away. Duh.
Grande Decaf took his broken HP laptop (something with the DVD) back to Costco and got a less expensive computer. He had something like $300 or $400 left over so he bought speakers (Altec Lansing), and then gave Dave the rest of the money. Dave bought a wireless networking system and something for me - a really bitchin set of cordless phones by Uniden I've been wanting since February. Now everyone in our house, except Short Decaf, can have a phone in their room. Grande is very, very excited about his new laptop, which is a Compaq.
Right now Venti is researching renters' rights, and it appears that our landlord is, in fact, insane. She sent us a certified letter (about the house, not her sanity) , which I know her daughter wrote. Like, what? That's going to scare us? She put alot of "subsection 9 Paragraph 3" shit in it - oooooh....scary. Well, as ridiculous as it was, it IS what set off the panic attack.
God, I hate that fucking bitch.
So. Venti only goes to work at AWH FIVE MORE TIMES!!!! Yes, yes, and YES!!! I am so excited for him. He's literally watching the organization start to shake at the foundation as people begin to realize "but....who's going to do this if YOU don't???" HAhahahaha. I'm so, so very glad he's getting to see that. He deserves to have a bit shit-eating grin on his face after putting up with their crap for three years. Underpaid, overworked, and mistreated by his department leader (man-hating bitch who knows nothing about IT.)
That's my rant. Going to spend time with my men...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
6 1/2 Hours and 9 Days
It's 2 AM and I have to be at my family doctor's office at 8:30. I've been trying to sleep since 11:30 with absolutely no success. The reason I am going to my family doctor is to see if she will refill my prescription for xanax so that I can make it across the country on our 7-day drive. I haven't seen her in two years, I think it's been. I do know, however, that ever since I had that BIG panic attack on August 12th I've been having a REALLY damn hard time driving in a car anywhere that is too far from home. I have been panicking alot lately. I'm trying to be strong, but it's just not working all too well.
So, my mind is just racing. There's so much to do that most days I do more sitting and planning than actual "stuff" to get ready for this move.
We leave in 9 days. Jesus Christ. Can that be right? I guess it is - we're leaving sometime during the day on the 17th, with our first stop being Columbus, Ohio - I think. We still haven't secured our exact travel plans.
Man, I wish I could sleep. I already know I look like shit - because I feel like shit. I've been really working my ass off these past few days. I hope my doctor is nice because I can't take a single other person being a prick to me. Our landlord, and her daughter, were just such assholes over the weekend that I think I'm still feel the anxiety from that. I actually yelled at her daughter for using threatening words to Grande - who is 14 years old. She said something about calling the police and having them get over to our house. We were not at home at the time, but fortunately, were just down the street. Grande called me on my cell phone and was terrified.
Why would our landlord's daughter be threatening to call the police? I'm not sure. We haven't done anything illegal other than not pay rent yet. It was due on the 5th day of the month, but there she was on our steps waiting to attack us verbally on the 4th day of the month. Bitch. I really let her have it for scaring the shit out of my son. God, I hate people here.
So then our actual landlord calls us on Sunday morning - very early on Sunday morning, and tells us that we cannot leave until we pay for September's rent. She said she would have the police come and make us not be able to leave. Yes - actually barricade us in the house. You might have to understand that she MAY still think she's in Vietnam, or wherever the fuck she's from. Venti told her she'd go to jail for doing that, and that this is America, and blah, blah, blah...but it still upset me really badly. Well, it upset everyone really badly.
Sometimes 9 days seems way, way, way too long.
We've been invited to 2 going-away parties this weekend. We don't have time to go, but they are relatives and friends - so what choice do we have? None. I'm really, really scared about the drive to see my family - which is about 3 1/2 hours from here. We really needed that time to finish packing, cleaning, and painting because uber-bitch landlord will be here on Tuesday night for an inspection.
No wonder I can't sleep. Who WOULD be able to sleep??
My camera broke. It would figure that it would considering that, as I mentioned in an earlier post, have become addicted (let's call it a hobby) to Morguefile.com - I love taking pictures. Anyway, Venti took my camera back to Costco and they didn't even ask any questions - they just traded it in for the same one I had. No questions asked. Weird. Good, but weird. I was really bummed thinking I wouldn't have my camera for the trip. Panicking or not, I plan on taking pictures.
Well, I guess I ought to try and sleep again.
So, my mind is just racing. There's so much to do that most days I do more sitting and planning than actual "stuff" to get ready for this move.
We leave in 9 days. Jesus Christ. Can that be right? I guess it is - we're leaving sometime during the day on the 17th, with our first stop being Columbus, Ohio - I think. We still haven't secured our exact travel plans.
Man, I wish I could sleep. I already know I look like shit - because I feel like shit. I've been really working my ass off these past few days. I hope my doctor is nice because I can't take a single other person being a prick to me. Our landlord, and her daughter, were just such assholes over the weekend that I think I'm still feel the anxiety from that. I actually yelled at her daughter for using threatening words to Grande - who is 14 years old. She said something about calling the police and having them get over to our house. We were not at home at the time, but fortunately, were just down the street. Grande called me on my cell phone and was terrified.
Why would our landlord's daughter be threatening to call the police? I'm not sure. We haven't done anything illegal other than not pay rent yet. It was due on the 5th day of the month, but there she was on our steps waiting to attack us verbally on the 4th day of the month. Bitch. I really let her have it for scaring the shit out of my son. God, I hate people here.
So then our actual landlord calls us on Sunday morning - very early on Sunday morning, and tells us that we cannot leave until we pay for September's rent. She said she would have the police come and make us not be able to leave. Yes - actually barricade us in the house. You might have to understand that she MAY still think she's in Vietnam, or wherever the fuck she's from. Venti told her she'd go to jail for doing that, and that this is America, and blah, blah, blah...but it still upset me really badly. Well, it upset everyone really badly.
Sometimes 9 days seems way, way, way too long.
We've been invited to 2 going-away parties this weekend. We don't have time to go, but they are relatives and friends - so what choice do we have? None. I'm really, really scared about the drive to see my family - which is about 3 1/2 hours from here. We really needed that time to finish packing, cleaning, and painting because uber-bitch landlord will be here on Tuesday night for an inspection.
No wonder I can't sleep. Who WOULD be able to sleep??
My camera broke. It would figure that it would considering that, as I mentioned in an earlier post, have become addicted (let's call it a hobby) to Morguefile.com - I love taking pictures. Anyway, Venti took my camera back to Costco and they didn't even ask any questions - they just traded it in for the same one I had. No questions asked. Weird. Good, but weird. I was really bummed thinking I wouldn't have my camera for the trip. Panicking or not, I plan on taking pictures.
Well, I guess I ought to try and sleep again.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Anxiety Avenue: Tom Terriffic?
Anxiety Avenue: Tom Terriffic?: "The beliefs of Scientology include this interesting tidbit:
'Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted 'thetans' or alien spirits, in earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies. The ultimate belief of Scientology is that you are possessed by the spirits of aliens murdered 75 million years ago by 'Xenu' and you have to exorcise these spirits.'"
'Xenu, the evil intergalactic ruler who implanted 'thetans' or alien spirits, in earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago, after which they escaped and invaded human bodies. The ultimate belief of Scientology is that you are possessed by the spirits of aliens murdered 75 million years ago by 'Xenu' and you have to exorcise these spirits.'"
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