Blind Wino Predictions for 2005
Blind Wino - Do Ye Breathe Fire or No?
* Abstinence-only education to replace biology, chemistry, and physics in all public schools.
* Bush administration takes Social Security to Las Vegas, puts it all on black. Morality Czar William Bennett drunkenly calls American people at three in the morning and apologizes for losing the country. Is then awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
* As this is a Christian nation built on the rule of God, Ten Commandments posted in every bathroom stall nationwide, along with a sweaty picture of Jerry Falwell and a 1-800 number advertising "hot Christian love."
* Media finally gives up illusion of objectivity and saves money by constructing anchor-robots to read press releases from White House.
* Due to declining dollar and skyrocketing national debt, Lincoln Memorial put up for sale and is purchased by an old Hungarian widow for fifty Forints. It becomes a pretty good goulash stand.
* McDonalds goes all the way and launches "I'm a fat, selfish dick and I'll shoot you in the face if you touch my hamburger" ad campaign. Sales, obesity, and gunshot wounds enjoy gains throughout each fiscal quarter.
* Outraged citizens push FCC to ban Monday Night Football from using the terms, "endzone," "tight end," and "ball." And because it promotes the homosexual agenda, quarterback no longer able to put hands between legs of center. Football now passed face to face with a manly handshake.
* Combined forces of US and Iraqi armies finally defeat the Iraqi insurgency. A new, democratic Iraq emerges and becomes a beacon of freedom in Middle East, ushering in a Golden Era of Democracy that spreads to all nations in the region. Tooth Fairy elected president of Iran, Easter Bunny to head Syrian parliament.
* Bush forgets to turn off microphone and is caught referring to Kim Jong Il as that "fat little gook," resulting in North Korea nuking Boston, New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. Republican attack machine blames Kerry's war record and gay marriage, but is obviously pleased to be rid of Democratic strongholds. Kim Jong Il awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom. Random Asian assigned to head Department of National Intelligence.
* Running on the issue of "values," Adolph Hitler's corpse elected Governor of Oklahoma.
* Ford launches the Remasculator SUV truck series, based on the 100,000,000-ton supertractor that pulls the space shuttle to its launching pad. Takes up entire parking lots and gets one mile to the gallon. #1 seller among suburban women because it "feels safe." Recalled in 2006 for exploding back seats, breakaway steering wheels, and chlorine gas leaks.
* Bill O'Reilly shows cock and balls to national audience. Is subsequently awarded a Peabody and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Keyhole
I just saw this on Google's site tonight...my luck it's been there for months and I'm just now seeing it but DAMN this is some cool shit!! And free for 7 days with no 'ya gotta give us your credit card' bullshit.
Google is always just the coolest. (Also cool for making my website number 9 in its ranks for 'panic attacks'!)
Keyhole
Google is always just the coolest. (Also cool for making my website number 9 in its ranks for 'panic attacks'!)
Keyhole
That's Just Overkill
I think that I used the word "suck" - or some derivation of it - too many times last night. I was reading over what I'd written just a few minutes ago and all I could focus on was how many times I said something sucks, sucked, or did suck. That's a really dumb word, especially if you say it or read it over and over again. I guess you really can go overkill on the suckage.
I believe that two New Years resolutions are colliding out there in the Universe and it's directly and negatively affecting me. First, the one where people want to lose weight and the second, the one where they want to spend less money. The combination is not boding well for me since I'm attempting to sell yoga stuff on eBay. What I can only assume must qualify as "some dude" bought my teenage sons' offcast DVD of a bunch of car wrecks. "Over 150 Vehicles Wrecked!" was my selling point and I guess it appealed to the dude because he bought it less than 12 hours after I'd listed it. Thus, my hopes rose way too high that my yoga stuff would sell, too. I quickly learned (like 24 hours later) that this would not be so. Fuckin' resolutions.
How many people can say that they have a small plastic polar bear sitting on top of a jar of vitamin C face cream on their desk? Not many, if any, I'd bet. I am oh so unique. What's really sad is - remember that bag of animal crackers I was talking about in my last post? It's still there and yes, you guessed it, the poor little plastic polar bear is sitting right next to it - and I suppose if he could think, he'd be going "Oh SHIT!! Look what happened to those guys!!!"
Heh. If only he knew that his fate would be much worse than that of now-going-stale animal crackers. He will probably, in his lifetime, get swatted around by a cat, chewed on by a toddler, sucked a very minimum of five times in a vacuum cleaner, stepped on repeatedly (followed by loud foul words that enter his ears before he's kicked across the room), and most likely end up under the stove along with a dozen other little toys that now qualify as "cat toys." He will seriously wish that he'd have been eaten and washed down with a decaffeinated Coke.
Why DO cats think that every protective ring from the top of a milk jug gives up the title of "protective ring" and assumes the new title of "cat toy" immediately upon its' removal from the jug? I bet there are a couple dozen of those damn things under my stove and refrigerator. Ah, what do I care....we rent.
I got hypnotized today. For real. I downloaded an mp3 that was 30 minutes long and when I was done I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. When I got up to walk across the room after it was over, I actually walked as if I'd just woken up from a good 8 hour sleep. Sort of like a bumble bee path over to the sink, but I didn't care. I didn't have one ounce of anxiety in my body. That sensation lasted a whole 7 minutes, which in my book is pretty damn good.
Did you know that relaxing all of your muscles all the way can really fucking hurt? It's been 15 hours and I still need advil - which I forgot to mention when we were at the grocery store tonight. Oops.
I did something really bad tonight. A couple of posts ago I quoted a scene from the movie Garden State, and then tonight I was emailing my sister and I actually used some of the words as my own. I'm such a shmuck. I still think it counts as creative writing, though. I mean - okay, so I didn't come up with the words - but I was creative enough to use them as my own and that has to count for something. It's like, lateral creative writing. Or plagiarism. Think what you will. Now I just have to hope she never watches that movie.
Speaking of plagiarism...my ex and I are scheduled to be in a court room 30 hours from now. Well, not a court room, but a 'hearing room'. We'll be under oath and I'm sure he'll lie. That's not plagiarism is it, though - what is that? Perjury, right, right. I should have remembered that easily since he perjured himself the last time he was in that room. Dick. (That's his name.)
I wish it was 34 hours from now. I don't want to go to that hearing, mostly because I always feel so diminutive when I'm sitting near him. I clam up, feel nauseated, like I'm 15 years old and as if I don't have an original thought in my head. I find it hard to form sentences, make my point, or speak up. Man, what an incredibly thin line there is between love and hate, huh? So many similarities.
Holy SHIT...I love google. Thank you google for pointing me to Blogger. And now thank you Google for pointing me to Keyhole!!! How fucking cool is THAT? http://www.keyhole.com/ So cool I'm going to make it a whole separate entry in my blog - now that's cool.
4:01 A.M. I have so much to say and yet my fingers already hurt from typing for most of the past 16 hours.
I am happy that I used the word "suck" less in this entry, though. Although - damn - through all of my explaining and babbling about the word I probably ended up using it even more. Duh.
You know what's funny? If you do a spellcheck of the Blogger draft you're working on, it tells you that there is no such word as Blogger, Google, or blog. That's fucking hilarious.
I believe that two New Years resolutions are colliding out there in the Universe and it's directly and negatively affecting me. First, the one where people want to lose weight and the second, the one where they want to spend less money. The combination is not boding well for me since I'm attempting to sell yoga stuff on eBay. What I can only assume must qualify as "some dude" bought my teenage sons' offcast DVD of a bunch of car wrecks. "Over 150 Vehicles Wrecked!" was my selling point and I guess it appealed to the dude because he bought it less than 12 hours after I'd listed it. Thus, my hopes rose way too high that my yoga stuff would sell, too. I quickly learned (like 24 hours later) that this would not be so. Fuckin' resolutions.
How many people can say that they have a small plastic polar bear sitting on top of a jar of vitamin C face cream on their desk? Not many, if any, I'd bet. I am oh so unique. What's really sad is - remember that bag of animal crackers I was talking about in my last post? It's still there and yes, you guessed it, the poor little plastic polar bear is sitting right next to it - and I suppose if he could think, he'd be going "Oh SHIT!! Look what happened to those guys!!!"
Heh. If only he knew that his fate would be much worse than that of now-going-stale animal crackers. He will probably, in his lifetime, get swatted around by a cat, chewed on by a toddler, sucked a very minimum of five times in a vacuum cleaner, stepped on repeatedly (followed by loud foul words that enter his ears before he's kicked across the room), and most likely end up under the stove along with a dozen other little toys that now qualify as "cat toys." He will seriously wish that he'd have been eaten and washed down with a decaffeinated Coke.
Why DO cats think that every protective ring from the top of a milk jug gives up the title of "protective ring" and assumes the new title of "cat toy" immediately upon its' removal from the jug? I bet there are a couple dozen of those damn things under my stove and refrigerator. Ah, what do I care....we rent.
I got hypnotized today. For real. I downloaded an mp3 that was 30 minutes long and when I was done I felt so incredibly calm and relaxed. When I got up to walk across the room after it was over, I actually walked as if I'd just woken up from a good 8 hour sleep. Sort of like a bumble bee path over to the sink, but I didn't care. I didn't have one ounce of anxiety in my body. That sensation lasted a whole 7 minutes, which in my book is pretty damn good.
Did you know that relaxing all of your muscles all the way can really fucking hurt? It's been 15 hours and I still need advil - which I forgot to mention when we were at the grocery store tonight. Oops.
I did something really bad tonight. A couple of posts ago I quoted a scene from the movie Garden State, and then tonight I was emailing my sister and I actually used some of the words as my own. I'm such a shmuck. I still think it counts as creative writing, though. I mean - okay, so I didn't come up with the words - but I was creative enough to use them as my own and that has to count for something. It's like, lateral creative writing. Or plagiarism. Think what you will. Now I just have to hope she never watches that movie.
Speaking of plagiarism...my ex and I are scheduled to be in a court room 30 hours from now. Well, not a court room, but a 'hearing room'. We'll be under oath and I'm sure he'll lie. That's not plagiarism is it, though - what is that? Perjury, right, right. I should have remembered that easily since he perjured himself the last time he was in that room. Dick. (That's his name.)
I wish it was 34 hours from now. I don't want to go to that hearing, mostly because I always feel so diminutive when I'm sitting near him. I clam up, feel nauseated, like I'm 15 years old and as if I don't have an original thought in my head. I find it hard to form sentences, make my point, or speak up. Man, what an incredibly thin line there is between love and hate, huh? So many similarities.
Holy SHIT...I love google. Thank you google for pointing me to Blogger. And now thank you Google for pointing me to Keyhole!!! How fucking cool is THAT? http://www.keyhole.com/ So cool I'm going to make it a whole separate entry in my blog - now that's cool.
4:01 A.M. I have so much to say and yet my fingers already hurt from typing for most of the past 16 hours.
I am happy that I used the word "suck" less in this entry, though. Although - damn - through all of my explaining and babbling about the word I probably ended up using it even more. Duh.
You know what's funny? If you do a spellcheck of the Blogger draft you're working on, it tells you that there is no such word as Blogger, Google, or blog. That's fucking hilarious.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Just Messing Around Lately
I've been messing around with a lot of things for a little bit lately. I've spent more time in Photoshop in the last 2 weeks than I probably did, cumulatively, in all of 2003 and 2004. I used to love Photoshop and maybe I'm starting to like designing images again. One can wonder.
My sister pissed me off so I dabbled in "just...let it go......" type thinking for a few days. It's going pretty well, actually. Initially I had a severe panic attack after she was a wench about something, but I think I've handled the aftershocks a lot better than I used to.
I had gotten a picture frame from my son for my birthday. It's been sitting around just looking very pretty for about 2 1/2 months. I finally got around to putting a picture in it - I picked one of my family - everyone in my family except for me, my husband and my kids. (Nice of my family to do an "OH, let's all get together and get a picture taken!!!" thing and not ask my family to come, huh? Anyway, so I have this picture framed now and it's on my desk - I put in near my keyboard because oh how sweet and all, right? Well, I knocked it over several times. Further proof that my family is ALWAYS getting in my way.
I've been rediscovering animal crackers. You know, they aren't as dry and tasteless as I thought they'd be. I'd been avoiding them for several years but got Short Decaf a big bag of them, and life being what it is - we were snackless in the house and all that was around was the big bag of animal crackers. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, they don't suck.
After 2 1/4 years, my living room furniture is FINALLY arranged "right." Man - took long enough to figure THAT one out. We have weird walls, weird angles in the architecture.
I've revisited selling crap on eBay. I listed three things yesterday and already sold one of them. How cool am I? But you know what I hate? I hate how it takes three to five days to transfer money from Paypal to your bank account. I mean, come on. Really. They can zap my debit card spending right to the fucking bank website but it takes nearly a week to put money in? Banks suck.
I still haven't told my family that we're planning on moving across the country in like, 8 1/2 months. They're going to flip the fuck out on me. (sigh) So - I've been messing around with excuses for my moving lately and I can't come up with anything that is better than the truth. It sucks here, it doesn't suck there. I know nobody here - I know people there. My family is a bunch of idiots, perhaps one exception, and Venti's family on the west coast doesn't suck. No culture here, lots of culture there. No mountains here, mountains and trees and water and wonderful natural stuff there. Not a hard choice. Well, you'd think not, anyway.
Do not ever waste your money on Omaha Steaks crap. The food is not THAT good and it's overpriced by like 500%. I'm serious. Like $18 for a steak the size of a deck of cards that does NOT taste any better than a steak from Safeway. The packaging is excellent though - very nice sturdy boxes - but I still say stay the hell away from Omaha Steaks.
I love my husband. And not just because he made my dining room zen again.
If I hit the lottery bigtime, the first thing I'd buy would be an excellent laptop - then I'd leave my house and get a hotel suite at like - the Wyndham or something. Someplace I could stay for a few weeks while I spent sickening amounts of money, like a $300 haircut. I'd rent a Hummer just to piss people off. A real one - not one of those H2 pussy-Hummers. Oh, I'd never go back to my house either - I'd hire some people to "deal with it." I'd also hire a nanny and a few months later, a personal trainer, housekeeper, and a cook. I would never, ever, wash another dish, or do laundry again. Ah...the joy of a good imagination. It would be my life's work to build up a life that would piss off my family as much as possible. That sounds mean - but you don't know my family. Would I give them any money? Yeah - I think I'd give everyone 150 grand and say 'that's it - ya ain't gettin' no more.' And I'd mean that. They do suck but not enough to totally kibosh giving them a chance at starting a better life. Yes, yes, I know - they'd blow it all at a casino somewhere or buy consumables. I bet not one of them would invest any of the money. (sigh again)
I'm too fucking nice.
It's ironic. I'm stressed out really badly about money. I mean, maximum stressification. So I'm selling my yoga stuff on ebay. Now that truly IS ironic.
I caved in and watched that "Who's Your Daddy" show. I picked the chick's dad out early on but then waffled - only to reassert who I thought the real dad was, I feel good about that. Like I won some stupid game. What a terrible premise for a show. I mean, how low can you get? Who's Your Daddy? That has sexual connotations. Gross, gross, tacky gross. Anyway, despite all of that - I bawled my eyes out anyway. I also watched the pilot episode of Medium - it didn't totally suck but I surely hope they pick up the pace and do a little better of a job in the future. Arquette was a great actress, though. She's cool. Is she sisters with that other Arquette chick that was in Pulp Fiction? I never liked her. I think she was in Desperately Seeking Susan - I didn't even like her in that.
Has Madonna ever made a non-suck-ass movie? Maybe Evita. It scares me how old she is and how old she looks. I mean God - get some plastic surgery already, you're making millions of people just feel....OLD.
Thursday is coming and I really wish it was already Friday. Thursday is going to suck. Well, unless I can scrape together the five bucks for a class that I want to go to on Thursday night, then it won't suck as bad.
I obviously have nothing of any consequence to say.
My sister pissed me off so I dabbled in "just...let it go......" type thinking for a few days. It's going pretty well, actually. Initially I had a severe panic attack after she was a wench about something, but I think I've handled the aftershocks a lot better than I used to.
I had gotten a picture frame from my son for my birthday. It's been sitting around just looking very pretty for about 2 1/2 months. I finally got around to putting a picture in it - I picked one of my family - everyone in my family except for me, my husband and my kids. (Nice of my family to do an "OH, let's all get together and get a picture taken!!!" thing and not ask my family to come, huh? Anyway, so I have this picture framed now and it's on my desk - I put in near my keyboard because oh how sweet and all, right? Well, I knocked it over several times. Further proof that my family is ALWAYS getting in my way.
I've been rediscovering animal crackers. You know, they aren't as dry and tasteless as I thought they'd be. I'd been avoiding them for several years but got Short Decaf a big bag of them, and life being what it is - we were snackless in the house and all that was around was the big bag of animal crackers. What was I supposed to do? Anyway, they don't suck.
After 2 1/4 years, my living room furniture is FINALLY arranged "right." Man - took long enough to figure THAT one out. We have weird walls, weird angles in the architecture.
I've revisited selling crap on eBay. I listed three things yesterday and already sold one of them. How cool am I? But you know what I hate? I hate how it takes three to five days to transfer money from Paypal to your bank account. I mean, come on. Really. They can zap my debit card spending right to the fucking bank website but it takes nearly a week to put money in? Banks suck.
I still haven't told my family that we're planning on moving across the country in like, 8 1/2 months. They're going to flip the fuck out on me. (sigh) So - I've been messing around with excuses for my moving lately and I can't come up with anything that is better than the truth. It sucks here, it doesn't suck there. I know nobody here - I know people there. My family is a bunch of idiots, perhaps one exception, and Venti's family on the west coast doesn't suck. No culture here, lots of culture there. No mountains here, mountains and trees and water and wonderful natural stuff there. Not a hard choice. Well, you'd think not, anyway.
Do not ever waste your money on Omaha Steaks crap. The food is not THAT good and it's overpriced by like 500%. I'm serious. Like $18 for a steak the size of a deck of cards that does NOT taste any better than a steak from Safeway. The packaging is excellent though - very nice sturdy boxes - but I still say stay the hell away from Omaha Steaks.
I love my husband. And not just because he made my dining room zen again.
If I hit the lottery bigtime, the first thing I'd buy would be an excellent laptop - then I'd leave my house and get a hotel suite at like - the Wyndham or something. Someplace I could stay for a few weeks while I spent sickening amounts of money, like a $300 haircut. I'd rent a Hummer just to piss people off. A real one - not one of those H2 pussy-Hummers. Oh, I'd never go back to my house either - I'd hire some people to "deal with it." I'd also hire a nanny and a few months later, a personal trainer, housekeeper, and a cook. I would never, ever, wash another dish, or do laundry again. Ah...the joy of a good imagination. It would be my life's work to build up a life that would piss off my family as much as possible. That sounds mean - but you don't know my family. Would I give them any money? Yeah - I think I'd give everyone 150 grand and say 'that's it - ya ain't gettin' no more.' And I'd mean that. They do suck but not enough to totally kibosh giving them a chance at starting a better life. Yes, yes, I know - they'd blow it all at a casino somewhere or buy consumables. I bet not one of them would invest any of the money. (sigh again)
I'm too fucking nice.
It's ironic. I'm stressed out really badly about money. I mean, maximum stressification. So I'm selling my yoga stuff on ebay. Now that truly IS ironic.
I caved in and watched that "Who's Your Daddy" show. I picked the chick's dad out early on but then waffled - only to reassert who I thought the real dad was, I feel good about that. Like I won some stupid game. What a terrible premise for a show. I mean, how low can you get? Who's Your Daddy? That has sexual connotations. Gross, gross, tacky gross. Anyway, despite all of that - I bawled my eyes out anyway. I also watched the pilot episode of Medium - it didn't totally suck but I surely hope they pick up the pace and do a little better of a job in the future. Arquette was a great actress, though. She's cool. Is she sisters with that other Arquette chick that was in Pulp Fiction? I never liked her. I think she was in Desperately Seeking Susan - I didn't even like her in that.
Has Madonna ever made a non-suck-ass movie? Maybe Evita. It scares me how old she is and how old she looks. I mean God - get some plastic surgery already, you're making millions of people just feel....OLD.
Thursday is coming and I really wish it was already Friday. Thursday is going to suck. Well, unless I can scrape together the five bucks for a class that I want to go to on Thursday night, then it won't suck as bad.
I obviously have nothing of any consequence to say.
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