Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Fucking Ranch Dressing
I had to eat lunch by myself today. I bought a sandwich and a little salad - Ranch dressing packet came with it. I ate half of the sandwich in the atrium here at work, piano music in the background while I read a book. I couldn't take the anxiety of the situation any more, so I packed up my too big paper bag and went to my office. Salad time. This is the real Salad Shooter. The fucking ranch dressing packet squirted all over my goddamn sweater and office chair. So much for trying to eat healthily.
I am mad, sad, and disappointed with (or because of) my sister. She was going to come and live here with me for a while. We were going to help each other out.
I am sad because of my son. He moved 3,000 miles away to live with his father. Mere days before his 18th birthday.
My mother lied to me last night.
I haven't had sex with my husband in too long. (Not by choice, really.)
I have no money. Well, less than no money.
Christmas isn't going to be a good one. Again.
My paycheck on the 15th is going to be 1/2 it's normal size because I missed work a lot because of snow.
My husband is manic about money.
My son's math teacher is being a bitch to him for no reason. I would like to smack her.
My left foot now hurts - after I badly, badly twisted both of my feet - not ankles - feet. The right one healed, now the left one hurts like a bitch. It's hard to walk.
This $5.25 sandwich is dry as fuck. They gave me one miniscule mayo packet.
My ex husband won't call me back or send the cell phone our son has back to me.
My cell phone bill is $830 ($500 and some just this last billing period) because of my son.
I will cry when I lose my cell phone.
I only have 2 minutes of lunch-time left. Or is it 12? I don't remember what time I left for lunch. :(
I'm still so very, very, very lonely.
So I didn't not need the glob of ranch dressing on my sweater today.
Back to work.
I am mad, sad, and disappointed with (or because of) my sister. She was going to come and live here with me for a while. We were going to help each other out.
I am sad because of my son. He moved 3,000 miles away to live with his father. Mere days before his 18th birthday.
My mother lied to me last night.
I haven't had sex with my husband in too long. (Not by choice, really.)
I have no money. Well, less than no money.
Christmas isn't going to be a good one. Again.
My paycheck on the 15th is going to be 1/2 it's normal size because I missed work a lot because of snow.
My husband is manic about money.
My son's math teacher is being a bitch to him for no reason. I would like to smack her.
My left foot now hurts - after I badly, badly twisted both of my feet - not ankles - feet. The right one healed, now the left one hurts like a bitch. It's hard to walk.
This $5.25 sandwich is dry as fuck. They gave me one miniscule mayo packet.
My ex husband won't call me back or send the cell phone our son has back to me.
My cell phone bill is $830 ($500 and some just this last billing period) because of my son.
I will cry when I lose my cell phone.
I only have 2 minutes of lunch-time left. Or is it 12? I don't remember what time I left for lunch. :(
I'm still so very, very, very lonely.
So I didn't not need the glob of ranch dressing on my sweater today.
Back to work.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I Have NO Time
I have a job now - have since July 24th. I don't have time for anything and I feel like shit in the mornings. I've gained ten pounds. I took the month of July off from my diet, but found it hard to go back to it - but did, just starting Monday. So far I've gained 1.6 pounds - wtf?? I really do feel like crap. Then again, it isn't even 6am, so that could be the problem.
I'm a Records Specialist at a law firm, which means I get to send letters to people and companies asking them if we should burn their boxes of ten, twenty, a hundred year-old case stuff. It's the coolest job getting to research where people "are now" all day. The days generally fly by.
I also started treatment at an anxiety clinic right across the street from my office, which is convenient. The guy says he's going to cure my driving phobia, and most likely CURE my panic disorder. I hope so. No time left....gotta run.
I'm a Records Specialist at a law firm, which means I get to send letters to people and companies asking them if we should burn their boxes of ten, twenty, a hundred year-old case stuff. It's the coolest job getting to research where people "are now" all day. The days generally fly by.
I also started treatment at an anxiety clinic right across the street from my office, which is convenient. The guy says he's going to cure my driving phobia, and most likely CURE my panic disorder. I hope so. No time left....gotta run.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Stormy Petrel
stormy petrel: a type of seabird; also, one fond of or bringing strife.
Or - my son Venti.
Or - my son Venti.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I Hate Ebay. My Monday Was Hell.
Fucking Ebay. Some guy bid on our laptop that we were selling - and he met our reserve price with 2 minutes left in the auction. I very specificially said I only ship to US and Canada, and the fucktard is from Russia. I don't ship things to Russia!!! Now what do I do? He doesn't even want to use paypal - he wants to send money Western Union. I don't mind that, but God...Russia??? Now I have to wait and see what he says about the email I sent him. Can't he buy a laptop in Russia for God's sake???
Monday was a mother-bitch.
I didn't gain or lose weight. Not losing weight pisses me off. I gained a pound over the weekend somehow. Gaining really, really pisses me off.
I had to go with my son to Orientation for his job at Taco Bell. I am agoraphobic and have a driving phobia, as readers of this blog know. I had to sit in the passenger seat while this kid (with a permit only) drove to a nearby town - me panicking all the way. And then I had to sit in a parking lot for an hour and fifteen minutes, and try to keep myself from totally panicking to the point of calling him on his cellphone to come out and take me to the ER.
Yeah, we got the kids their own cell phone. They have to share it. We're not actually allowed to be in the room when they use it, however. I'm sure I'll have to take it when I see how many daytime minutes they're using.
Anyway...so I didn't want to go with him to the orientation because I was already anxious - but I did, because that's what mothers do, right? Well, in exchange I asked him to clean the kitchen. He's pissed at me right now because here it is 2am and he hasn't done it, and so I asked him to and he flipped out on me and stomped up the stairs. Okay...first of all, why didn't he just take the bus??? As Venti pointed out to me - it makes him panicky to take the bus. So instead of him being panicky he preferred that I be panicky instead. Now he's pissed off at me, which also makes me anxious. Ungrateful. God. I am no longer involved in his getting a fucking job. He needs ten dollars for a class before he can start work...what? Am I supposed to just give that to him, too? For NOTHING in return???
Kids fucking annoy me. I am so not cut out to be a mother. Yes, yes, I love them and want to take care of them the best that I can - but I hate THIS type of bullshit.
Fucking ebay. UGH. What's going to go right tonight??????
Well, it's actually Tuesday morning so I suppose there's the possibility that Tuesday won't suck nearly as bad.
We can hope.
Monday was a mother-bitch.
I didn't gain or lose weight. Not losing weight pisses me off. I gained a pound over the weekend somehow. Gaining really, really pisses me off.
I had to go with my son to Orientation for his job at Taco Bell. I am agoraphobic and have a driving phobia, as readers of this blog know. I had to sit in the passenger seat while this kid (with a permit only) drove to a nearby town - me panicking all the way. And then I had to sit in a parking lot for an hour and fifteen minutes, and try to keep myself from totally panicking to the point of calling him on his cellphone to come out and take me to the ER.
Yeah, we got the kids their own cell phone. They have to share it. We're not actually allowed to be in the room when they use it, however. I'm sure I'll have to take it when I see how many daytime minutes they're using.
Anyway...so I didn't want to go with him to the orientation because I was already anxious - but I did, because that's what mothers do, right? Well, in exchange I asked him to clean the kitchen. He's pissed at me right now because here it is 2am and he hasn't done it, and so I asked him to and he flipped out on me and stomped up the stairs. Okay...first of all, why didn't he just take the bus??? As Venti pointed out to me - it makes him panicky to take the bus. So instead of him being panicky he preferred that I be panicky instead. Now he's pissed off at me, which also makes me anxious. Ungrateful. God. I am no longer involved in his getting a fucking job. He needs ten dollars for a class before he can start work...what? Am I supposed to just give that to him, too? For NOTHING in return???
Kids fucking annoy me. I am so not cut out to be a mother. Yes, yes, I love them and want to take care of them the best that I can - but I hate THIS type of bullshit.
Fucking ebay. UGH. What's going to go right tonight??????
Well, it's actually Tuesday morning so I suppose there's the possibility that Tuesday won't suck nearly as bad.
We can hope.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
271 Days
- I had to quit my job 271 days ago.
- I have not had a single break from my little boy for 273 days.
- I have not had more than 10 in-person conversations with people outside of my home - all but 2 of those were with doctor-type people - in way more than 271 days.
- I have not been needed to actually do anything in 271 days.
- I have not gotten to get my fucking hair cut professinoally in 780 days.
- I haven't seen my sister in 293 days.
I barely remember these stupid days as they pass. They generally mean nothing. They are just things to look back on and feel remorse about the wasted time, and then I stop thinking about it. I have accepted this shit, but the anger wells up sometimes.
I have no life.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.
The Sneeze - Half zine. Half blog. Half not good with fractions.
Just a funny blog I didn't want to lose.
Just a funny blog I didn't want to lose.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
16 Weeks
I'm not really sure that I've ever done anything for 16 weeks, but I HAVE stuck to my low carb diet for that long. I've also lost 35 pounds, which is juuuuust a tad over 2 pounds a week. I'm definitely thinner, but certainly don't have that "Oh I just have so much energy!" high that I used to have in the beginning. That sucks. Of course, maybe it doesn't considering that I equate energy with anxiety.
The house is finally quiet. It's 2AM so it's about damn time. I'm staying up extra late tonight so that maybe I can sleep for a change. I don't know why, but lately I haven't been able to sleep straight through the night and every little thing wakes me up. I have dark circles under my eyes.
I never got a call about the job at PC so I guess I won't be getting that one. Considering how low-level it was I doubt I'll ever get a job there. That sucks. I was kind of hoping I'd get it just so I'd have something to do - and not have to listen to Short Decaf yelling, kicking, and screaming all day for the next - however many years this phase will last. It's rough.
I did the math on our weekend Sugar Free Decaf Breve Mochas - and considering that we buy the 20 ounce size, and that there are 8 carbs in a 8 ounces of 1/2 & 1/2 - we were consuming 20 carbs JUST on the mocha. No wonder we always gain weight on the weekends. Duh.
Bluh. I feel like crap. Probably BECAUSE of all those extra carbs from over the weekend. Well, they should be out of my system by morning so I'm sure I'll feel better then. That is IF I actually get some decent sleep.
I took a short walk today, which is a big deal for me considering I'm agoraphobic and exercise-phobic. It's actually a very big deal. Like if someone were terrified/phobic of spiders and opened a book with big close-up pictures of spiders in it and didn't immediately slam the book shut. That's about what I did today with the walk. It wasn't much - but it was something. It's something I'm going to try and repeat every day until it gets easier and easier.
The house is finally quiet. It's 2AM so it's about damn time. I'm staying up extra late tonight so that maybe I can sleep for a change. I don't know why, but lately I haven't been able to sleep straight through the night and every little thing wakes me up. I have dark circles under my eyes.
I never got a call about the job at PC so I guess I won't be getting that one. Considering how low-level it was I doubt I'll ever get a job there. That sucks. I was kind of hoping I'd get it just so I'd have something to do - and not have to listen to Short Decaf yelling, kicking, and screaming all day for the next - however many years this phase will last. It's rough.
I did the math on our weekend Sugar Free Decaf Breve Mochas - and considering that we buy the 20 ounce size, and that there are 8 carbs in a 8 ounces of 1/2 & 1/2 - we were consuming 20 carbs JUST on the mocha. No wonder we always gain weight on the weekends. Duh.
Bluh. I feel like crap. Probably BECAUSE of all those extra carbs from over the weekend. Well, they should be out of my system by morning so I'm sure I'll feel better then. That is IF I actually get some decent sleep.
I took a short walk today, which is a big deal for me considering I'm agoraphobic and exercise-phobic. It's actually a very big deal. Like if someone were terrified/phobic of spiders and opened a book with big close-up pictures of spiders in it and didn't immediately slam the book shut. That's about what I did today with the walk. It wasn't much - but it was something. It's something I'm going to try and repeat every day until it gets easier and easier.
Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb
Michelob Ultra Amber - Low Carb: "
Beer Stats:
12oz bottle
5% alcohol
114 calories
3.7g carbs
1.2g protein
0.0g fat"
Beer Stats:
12oz bottle
5% alcohol
114 calories
3.7g carbs
1.2g protein
0.0g fat"
Monday, April 24, 2006
How Nerdy I Am
I honestly thought I was slightly nerdy. I under-estimated myself. I have to wonder if they bump up the jam on the points if you mark that you're a woman?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
12 Xanax
My nephew stole 12 of my xanax. This may not seem like a big deal - but it means that I will now have issues with getting a refill on time. It also means I'm out of panic attack medicine in 2 days. I am not supposed to be able to fill the prescription until 5 days from now (it's an insurance thing.)
My nephew is an asshole.
My nephew is an asshole.
Friday, April 14, 2006
I'm So Happy Cuz Today I Found My Friends
Not really the title that fits the post, but it's the song that is stuck in my head.
I'm in a great mood. :) Peace HAS definitely been restored to Decaf Land and things are already going 100% more smoothly. Ts'all good.
I'm wide awake and shouldn't be because I have to get up in six hours to take Venti to the bus so that I have the car for the day. Boo. Grande has a doctor's appointment and I have to go Easter shopping for the kids. At least it all starts early and I should be home by 11.
Venti sent my resume in to HR for 2 positions. It would be very cool if I actually got one of them and could DO the job without panicking for a few weeks until I got settled in. Then the sweet smell of money would overrule my panic and I'll do an amazing job, get promotions, make more money, help us buy a nice home in 4 years on "that" side of the water, send Short Decaf to private school and get my Bachelor's Degree, get even more promotions and money, then sell the house in 15 years from today when Short Decaf is 18 and off to college, and then buy a beautiful house or condo or something with a bitchen view of something. All before I'm 50. Cool.
That's the plan.
Oh - and I get the white GTI I want, too. No question there - well, unless private school for Short Decaf leaves us penniless. The kid is too smart to go to public school, though. Can't waste an incredible mind like his.
Shit...condo might have to wait, too - if he can't get grants and scholarships. Either way - things would be looking up. Quite up.
I wonder how many cats you're allowed to have in a condo. I still want to be the weird old lady with a ton of cats some day. :)
Damn, I really have to get my circadian rhythm flipped around so I'm not in such high spirits in the middle of the night.
Of course, I believe the full moon might have something to do with that, too. It's beautiful. :)
Well, time to go waste this good mood by putting it to bed. Tomorrow is another day - but it's a Friday so that's always a good thing :) I hope I've lost weight, and I hope I'm still in such a great mood in the morning! (Doubt it, though - I'm SO not a morning person.)
I'm in a great mood. :) Peace HAS definitely been restored to Decaf Land and things are already going 100% more smoothly. Ts'all good.
I'm wide awake and shouldn't be because I have to get up in six hours to take Venti to the bus so that I have the car for the day. Boo. Grande has a doctor's appointment and I have to go Easter shopping for the kids. At least it all starts early and I should be home by 11.
Venti sent my resume in to HR for 2 positions. It would be very cool if I actually got one of them and could DO the job without panicking for a few weeks until I got settled in. Then the sweet smell of money would overrule my panic and I'll do an amazing job, get promotions, make more money, help us buy a nice home in 4 years on "that" side of the water, send Short Decaf to private school and get my Bachelor's Degree, get even more promotions and money, then sell the house in 15 years from today when Short Decaf is 18 and off to college, and then buy a beautiful house or condo or something with a bitchen view of something. All before I'm 50. Cool.
That's the plan.
Oh - and I get the white GTI I want, too. No question there - well, unless private school for Short Decaf leaves us penniless. The kid is too smart to go to public school, though. Can't waste an incredible mind like his.
Shit...condo might have to wait, too - if he can't get grants and scholarships. Either way - things would be looking up. Quite up.
I wonder how many cats you're allowed to have in a condo. I still want to be the weird old lady with a ton of cats some day. :)
Damn, I really have to get my circadian rhythm flipped around so I'm not in such high spirits in the middle of the night.
Of course, I believe the full moon might have something to do with that, too. It's beautiful. :)
Well, time to go waste this good mood by putting it to bed. Tomorrow is another day - but it's a Friday so that's always a good thing :) I hope I've lost weight, and I hope I'm still in such a great mood in the morning! (Doubt it, though - I'm SO not a morning person.)
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
How Much Stress Can A Person Take?
I think about this a lot. I actually worry a lot about it, which is ironic - I know. Things are still so bad around here, but thankfully tomorrow night they'll get a helluva lot better because that's when my jackass nephew and his girlfriend (who I pity) are getting on a plane and going back to Pennsylvania. People are already threatening my nephew via AIM that they want to "harm" him (not their words) when he gets there, and so I'm imagining it won't be pleasant being him, and that some day he'll regret fucking up this opportunity to start a new life here in Seattle. Seattle. A city he is so close to but never took the time to visit or even look at. His girlfriend wanted to see it, but he wouldn't "let her." Fucking asshole. My sister raised a total fucking idiot. But...he did turn out just like her so I guess she feels like she was successful. Stupid bitch.
This is also the time when all of the "I told you so's" come around. I've gotten them from my mother and from Venti so far, and I imagine that will be it since I don't really have anyone else in my life to give advice to me.
I honestly wonder if the stress will get better once they are gone. Will I be less stressed? I hope so. I really do because I feel like it's over the top at this point. I just have to get through the trip to the airport tomorrow night and then I can see if life actually will be better without him here. God, I fucking hope so. I can't take much more of it being so lame.
It totally doesn't help that I'm 100% PMS right now either - the time of the month when I am most prone to major panic attacks. Not good.
Just got to get around Tacoma and I'll feel like "I'm there." It's going to be a challenge.
Oh, man. I have an appointment with my PNP this weekend, as well as an appointment for a massage. I need the massage even though I don't technically hurt anywhere physically. It's all on the inside, but my massage therapist is really good so maybe he can help heal my broken spirit. Niles...what a name for a massage therapist...but he really is wonderful.
Hmmm....I have just been informed that my nephew and his GF have started packing. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What else is there for me to be stressed about? Money is a big one. The Mega Millions jackpot is almost 200 million dollars - I'll have to remember to buy tickets for it tomorrow night when I've got some money.
I think I'd be totally stress free if I had money. I can't think of any single problem I have that couldn't be solved with money. Even my panic attacks. I could totally hire someone to help me get over them. Money can truly buy happiness. I know it can. I've seen it.
This is also the time when all of the "I told you so's" come around. I've gotten them from my mother and from Venti so far, and I imagine that will be it since I don't really have anyone else in my life to give advice to me.
I honestly wonder if the stress will get better once they are gone. Will I be less stressed? I hope so. I really do because I feel like it's over the top at this point. I just have to get through the trip to the airport tomorrow night and then I can see if life actually will be better without him here. God, I fucking hope so. I can't take much more of it being so lame.
It totally doesn't help that I'm 100% PMS right now either - the time of the month when I am most prone to major panic attacks. Not good.
Just got to get around Tacoma and I'll feel like "I'm there." It's going to be a challenge.
Oh, man. I have an appointment with my PNP this weekend, as well as an appointment for a massage. I need the massage even though I don't technically hurt anywhere physically. It's all on the inside, but my massage therapist is really good so maybe he can help heal my broken spirit. Niles...what a name for a massage therapist...but he really is wonderful.
Hmmm....I have just been informed that my nephew and his GF have started packing. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What else is there for me to be stressed about? Money is a big one. The Mega Millions jackpot is almost 200 million dollars - I'll have to remember to buy tickets for it tomorrow night when I've got some money.
I think I'd be totally stress free if I had money. I can't think of any single problem I have that couldn't be solved with money. Even my panic attacks. I could totally hire someone to help me get over them. Money can truly buy happiness. I know it can. I've seen it.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Gallon of Milk, Loaf of Bread
That's what we go through every single fucking day. Do you know how much a gallon of milk costs here? $3. So it basically costs us $120 a month just to keep milk and bread in our house. That's fucking insane. And what are they using the milk for? Giant bowls of cereal. That shit's not free either.
My nephew is starting to talk rather pissily to me. I asked that everyone not be here on Friday, but he didn't think he needed to listen to that so now that idea's fucked. Lovely. I have no credibility in this house. And it's MY GODDAMN HOUSE!!! I garner absolutely NO respect from any single individual here. I am so fucking sick of it.
I am so ready to send Grande Decaf back to live with Nada Decaf, his dad, it's not even funny. I mean, last night the kid walked to Walmart at FOUR IN THE MORNING!!! Okay, many people might not think this is a big deal, but just about 2 weeks ago I flipped the fuck out on him for walking to Walmart at 12:30am. First of all for leaving the house that late, and secondly for not telling me he was going anywhere. I was really upset, and does he care? Uhm...NO. Who does care anymore? Nobody. Yeah, nobody.
Total and utter disrespect, and I'm so damn sick of it.
I know that you are supposed to love your children and put up with whatever they throw your way, but COME ON!!! Why do I have to deal with everything and his dad doesn't have to deal with any of it - or even pay child support for him? Why does Grande get to live here, not go to school but ONE HOUR a week, not work, not help buy any food, having an entire floor of the house to himself (after my nephew leaves) - AND STILL GETS TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT??? It's NOT fair. It's just not.
My nephew and Grande are both being total dickheads to Tall Decaf, too. Tall Decaf is "the good child." He never causes any trouble. He never talks disrespectfully to us. He helps out. He's nice. He's polite. He's a pleasure to have around. So - this nice person gets totally shit on by those two jackasses??? How is THAT fair? It's just not.
I am so sick of hiding in my room from all of this. Sure, go ahead and say I should just put my foot down - but when I have tried that in the past I've just been overpowered and made out to look like a fool, so fuck that. I'm tired of looking like a fool.
I'm tired of being broke because of all of them, too. Food costs SO much money - and even though my nephew buys a lot of junk food at Wal-Mart he is still using the basics. And taking 1/2 hour showers. And smoking my cigarettes and stealing my medicine, and on and on and on.
And at this point I think everyone in my family knows that this blog exists, and I assume that they read it - and if that's the case then here's a few more tidbits...
To my sister...Pay the fuck up.
To my ex...pay up your child support and get your son some fucking braces
To my son...get a job and stop treating everyone in the house like shit. This is my house - not yours.
To my nephew...work at it harder.
To everyone else...fuck off. Again - this is my house. NOT YOURS. Let me do shit my way for a change, okay??
And an addendum to the kids...you guys have been freeloading off of us so get off of your high-horse and be a little fuckin nicer to us, stop using everything up, and if you do - REPLACE IT. Clean up after yourselves. Don't talk so ugly to me and Venti and Tall and Short. Oh - does it seem like I'm focusing on two kids? Uhm - yeah, I am.
God I need a vacation. Big time.
My nephew is starting to talk rather pissily to me. I asked that everyone not be here on Friday, but he didn't think he needed to listen to that so now that idea's fucked. Lovely. I have no credibility in this house. And it's MY GODDAMN HOUSE!!! I garner absolutely NO respect from any single individual here. I am so fucking sick of it.
I am so ready to send Grande Decaf back to live with Nada Decaf, his dad, it's not even funny. I mean, last night the kid walked to Walmart at FOUR IN THE MORNING!!! Okay, many people might not think this is a big deal, but just about 2 weeks ago I flipped the fuck out on him for walking to Walmart at 12:30am. First of all for leaving the house that late, and secondly for not telling me he was going anywhere. I was really upset, and does he care? Uhm...NO. Who does care anymore? Nobody. Yeah, nobody.
Total and utter disrespect, and I'm so damn sick of it.
I know that you are supposed to love your children and put up with whatever they throw your way, but COME ON!!! Why do I have to deal with everything and his dad doesn't have to deal with any of it - or even pay child support for him? Why does Grande get to live here, not go to school but ONE HOUR a week, not work, not help buy any food, having an entire floor of the house to himself (after my nephew leaves) - AND STILL GETS TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT??? It's NOT fair. It's just not.
My nephew and Grande are both being total dickheads to Tall Decaf, too. Tall Decaf is "the good child." He never causes any trouble. He never talks disrespectfully to us. He helps out. He's nice. He's polite. He's a pleasure to have around. So - this nice person gets totally shit on by those two jackasses??? How is THAT fair? It's just not.
I am so sick of hiding in my room from all of this. Sure, go ahead and say I should just put my foot down - but when I have tried that in the past I've just been overpowered and made out to look like a fool, so fuck that. I'm tired of looking like a fool.
I'm tired of being broke because of all of them, too. Food costs SO much money - and even though my nephew buys a lot of junk food at Wal-Mart he is still using the basics. And taking 1/2 hour showers. And smoking my cigarettes and stealing my medicine, and on and on and on.
And at this point I think everyone in my family knows that this blog exists, and I assume that they read it - and if that's the case then here's a few more tidbits...
To my sister...Pay the fuck up.
To my ex...pay up your child support and get your son some fucking braces
To my son...get a job and stop treating everyone in the house like shit. This is my house - not yours.
To my nephew...work at it harder.
To everyone else...fuck off. Again - this is my house. NOT YOURS. Let me do shit my way for a change, okay??
And an addendum to the kids...you guys have been freeloading off of us so get off of your high-horse and be a little fuckin nicer to us, stop using everything up, and if you do - REPLACE IT. Clean up after yourselves. Don't talk so ugly to me and Venti and Tall and Short. Oh - does it seem like I'm focusing on two kids? Uhm - yeah, I am.
God I need a vacation. Big time.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
One Week To Go
This picture is of me and Venti on Sunday afternoon at the beach. It was an awesome time. I had so much fun - I even touched a starfish and an anenome (sp?) - which was GROSS!!!!
Well, the diet's still on except that I'm back to where I was weight-wise 2 1/2 weeks ago. We had a big cheat weekend but are back to basics and losing the gained weight pretty quickly.
My nephew and his GF are still living with us and we've only got to put up with that for another week. Well, less than a full week now - at this time next week they should be flying over Montana or something. Yay! I guess Venti and I will be driving them over to the airport. It's a small price to pay, though.
Does everyone in the world know about freecycle.org? They should. I have gotten so much great stuff off of there. I'm going to pick up a pair of worn once or twice Columbia sandals for Short Decaf which I think he'll be able to wear all summer. That's a $40 pair of shoes for free :) Go me. :)
My sister isn't talking to me because she owes me money. Today was her birthday, and I feel bad about that. I feel worse that she lied to me over and over about the fact that she was going to send me money to help out with her kid living here. Right now I think she's a fucking wanker.
I'm so sad that The West Wing is coming to an end. There are only six episodes left, and that's it. Doesn't that just suck? I know a bunch of spoilers and I'm generally happy with them, although I wasn't exactly thrilled with the Josh and Donna relationship (sex without professing undying love) in last Sunday's show. Hell, I was glad they finally had sex - but come on...after eight years there's got to be more than just "Hmm...let's blow off some steam." (Bad choice of words.) These characters are supposed to genuinely LOVE each other. Well, that's my take on it anyway. I hope it gets cleared up in the remaining episodes.
What the hell will I watch after that show is over? The Apprentice, and that's about it. Bummmmmmerrrrrrr.
God, I can't wait to reclaim my house from all of these kids. I simply can. not. wait.
Monday, March 27, 2006
What's The Sound?
What's the sound of 3 teenagers laughing their asses off? Truthfully, it's the sound of 4 other people in the house going insane. Or, okay, maybe just 2 of those other people - the adults. Certainly, at least 1 of the adults, and that would be me.
I can hear their laughter - not seeping - but slamming up through the floor boards and it's like nails on a chalkboard. I want to just go down there and smack all three of them and tell them that SHIT IS JUST NOT FUNNY RIGHT NOW!!! Go get jobs. Stop smoking in my house. Stop stealing my cigarettes, which I'm now almost out of. Stop stealing shit from Walmart. PLEASE STOP LAUGHING.
I had to dig through my entire house tonight for change. We took it to one of those coinstar machines and got $13.42 from it. We spent $2 on a gallon of milk and put $10 in gas in the car, and now we have 42 cents. (Dave bought a lottery ticket.) This .42 will have to fucking last us until Wednesday night when we can write a check at the grocery store and ask for cash back.
All fucking day the kids have been going up to Walmart and buying junk food, and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch...so I had a roast in the crockpot and suddenly all of them want to eat it. Now there's none left for lunch for Dave and me tomorrow. NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT!!!
I feel too stressed to keep dieting. I've lost 30 pounds - can't I be done now? I gained almost 5 pounds over the weekend and didn't even cheat...hell, I could have had a massive cheat day and gained 5 pounds the fun way. Of course, we had no money so it would have been a lousy cheat day anyway. But 5 fucking pounds? Really God? Did I need that?
And then someone from StumbleUpon called me ugly. "So. You're ugly. Wow." is what they said about my picture. No - that didn't hurt like hell... no, no ... why WOULD IT?? Why would someone just say something like that? I don't have my picture on StumbleUpon as a fucking way to meet fuck-buddies or even friends - just an avatar to say "Hey, this is who is ranking these pages." Asshole! Did I need this today? NO!
My nephew is never going to get out of here. I just know it. I could cry. I've TRIED to cry, but the fucking tears won't come anymore.
I can't believe he smoked at least 1/3rd of my pack of cigarettes. Who does that? Who just goes into someones things and takes whatever they want? My cigarettes, my xanax, my cellphone...doesn't matter...nothing I have belongs to me anymore.
Saw a mouse outside tonight. Fuck. I hate mice. It's Spring now so I suppose snakes are next. I was intrigued to learn that Ireland has no snakes, and so right about now Ireland is sounding really fucking good. Far away, cool, no snakes, no lying/stealing/cheating drug dealers in my FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!
I think it's time to email my sister and flip the fuck out. She wonders why I don't write very often since her son got here...can you imagine what I REALLY want to say to her? The worst part is that she knew about all of the bad things he's into, and yet she sent him here anyway. How low can she get? I suppose sleeping with my ex-husband wasn't low enough. Ugh.
Speaking of my ex-husband, he's got a picture on his myspace.com blog which was taken about ten days ago. Its caption is " Ahhhh!!! Key West....." and shows him leaning back on the back railing of a boat. This is where we went on our honeymoon, except he never took me out in a boat. All the way to Florida - 24 hour drive - never even got in the water. Then his mom sneaks my little boy to the doctor and calls us and tells us that he need surgery IMMEDIATELY on his eyes - so we leave our honeymoon early and drive back home (24 hours straight) - and it turns out he didn't need surgery right away...he had it several months later.
I fucking hate my life.
I can hear their laughter - not seeping - but slamming up through the floor boards and it's like nails on a chalkboard. I want to just go down there and smack all three of them and tell them that SHIT IS JUST NOT FUNNY RIGHT NOW!!! Go get jobs. Stop smoking in my house. Stop stealing my cigarettes, which I'm now almost out of. Stop stealing shit from Walmart. PLEASE STOP LAUGHING.
I had to dig through my entire house tonight for change. We took it to one of those coinstar machines and got $13.42 from it. We spent $2 on a gallon of milk and put $10 in gas in the car, and now we have 42 cents. (Dave bought a lottery ticket.) This .42 will have to fucking last us until Wednesday night when we can write a check at the grocery store and ask for cash back.
All fucking day the kids have been going up to Walmart and buying junk food, and I hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch...so I had a roast in the crockpot and suddenly all of them want to eat it. Now there's none left for lunch for Dave and me tomorrow. NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT!!!
I feel too stressed to keep dieting. I've lost 30 pounds - can't I be done now? I gained almost 5 pounds over the weekend and didn't even cheat...hell, I could have had a massive cheat day and gained 5 pounds the fun way. Of course, we had no money so it would have been a lousy cheat day anyway. But 5 fucking pounds? Really God? Did I need that?
And then someone from StumbleUpon called me ugly. "So. You're ugly. Wow." is what they said about my picture. No - that didn't hurt like hell... no, no ... why WOULD IT?? Why would someone just say something like that? I don't have my picture on StumbleUpon as a fucking way to meet fuck-buddies or even friends - just an avatar to say "Hey, this is who is ranking these pages." Asshole! Did I need this today? NO!
My nephew is never going to get out of here. I just know it. I could cry. I've TRIED to cry, but the fucking tears won't come anymore.
I can't believe he smoked at least 1/3rd of my pack of cigarettes. Who does that? Who just goes into someones things and takes whatever they want? My cigarettes, my xanax, my cellphone...doesn't matter...nothing I have belongs to me anymore.
Saw a mouse outside tonight. Fuck. I hate mice. It's Spring now so I suppose snakes are next. I was intrigued to learn that Ireland has no snakes, and so right about now Ireland is sounding really fucking good. Far away, cool, no snakes, no lying/stealing/cheating drug dealers in my FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!
I think it's time to email my sister and flip the fuck out. She wonders why I don't write very often since her son got here...can you imagine what I REALLY want to say to her? The worst part is that she knew about all of the bad things he's into, and yet she sent him here anyway. How low can she get? I suppose sleeping with my ex-husband wasn't low enough. Ugh.
Speaking of my ex-husband, he's got a picture on his myspace.com blog which was taken about ten days ago. Its caption is " Ahhhh!!! Key West....." and shows him leaning back on the back railing of a boat. This is where we went on our honeymoon, except he never took me out in a boat. All the way to Florida - 24 hour drive - never even got in the water. Then his mom sneaks my little boy to the doctor and calls us and tells us that he need surgery IMMEDIATELY on his eyes - so we leave our honeymoon early and drive back home (24 hours straight) - and it turns out he didn't need surgery right away...he had it several months later.
I fucking hate my life.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
First Day of Spring
I think it is, anyway. It sucks that I didn't really get to see any snow this year. I'm just really not a fan of living somewhere where it never snows. It just sucks.
Nada Decaf is still living in my basement with his girlfriend, and they aren't doing anything to try and get jobs or a place to live. I'm at a loss. I feel like I have nothing left in me to try and deal with this shit. Nobody listens to a word I say. I try to help and I get ignored and I HATE that feeling because it's so reminiscent of when I was married to Fucktard-Decaf. I hate being ignored and pushed to the side.
My diet isn't going well. I haven't cheated and I've gained weight. I feel huge. Venti keeps losing and losing and I just can't do anything right to lose weight. I just don't get why I gained for no reason. I think I'll give this diet a few more weeks (at best) and if I'm still not losing I'm just gonna go off of it and give up, and just be fat for the rest of my life. Soon it will be 3 months on Atkins and I really had hoped things would go better.
It sure would be nice to hit the lottery tonight. I think it's up to 78 million. I could get away from here far and fast with that kind of money.
Nada Decaf is still living in my basement with his girlfriend, and they aren't doing anything to try and get jobs or a place to live. I'm at a loss. I feel like I have nothing left in me to try and deal with this shit. Nobody listens to a word I say. I try to help and I get ignored and I HATE that feeling because it's so reminiscent of when I was married to Fucktard-Decaf. I hate being ignored and pushed to the side.
My diet isn't going well. I haven't cheated and I've gained weight. I feel huge. Venti keeps losing and losing and I just can't do anything right to lose weight. I just don't get why I gained for no reason. I think I'll give this diet a few more weeks (at best) and if I'm still not losing I'm just gonna go off of it and give up, and just be fat for the rest of my life. Soon it will be 3 months on Atkins and I really had hoped things would go better.
It sure would be nice to hit the lottery tonight. I think it's up to 78 million. I could get away from here far and fast with that kind of money.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Mid March Post
Nothing much of interest to post. I'll give it a whirl, though.
Nada Decaf (the nephew) is still here. He's smoking in the house - driving me nuts. He's sucking down Short Decaf's chocolate syrup for his chocolate milk like it's going out of style. I just bought a bottle of it yesterday (with 2 free extra ounces) and it's half gone already. Nice, huh? Shithead. He's eating our low-carb food, too. I don't know how he doesn't get a fucking clue that the bacon is off-limits.
Yes, Venti and I are still on the Atkins diet. Together we've lost 65 pounds. I've been stalled for a few days, but not unhappy with where I am. I know I'll start losing again soon. I just hate being stalled - especially when Venti is hitting new lows on the scale.
We're doing so well. At this point I bet in another 2 1/2 months (as long as we've been low-carbing) we'll both look and feel absolutely fantastic. I know we won't lose double what we have now, but I know we'll both feel really good. It's got to be at least 20 pounds more that we'll lose in that time - and man, I'm going to feel SO good about that.
I'm just waiting for an episode of Little Bear to be over so me and Short Decaf can go to bed. Another five minutes. I am so tireddddd.
I might be getting a part time job for a friend's web design company. We shall see how that works out. I wonder how much I'd get paid.
My anxiety has been pretty good lately. I've been getting better at driving around - and even a little driving. No panic attacks in a long time (knock on wood) thankfully.
I'm pissed at my sister. She said she'd be sending money for Nada Decaf to live here - but then decided to just send him here with a credit card with a $300 limit (it's in his name.) Well, of course he maxed that card and we only got $80 worth of groceries on it. Then on Sunday she sent $100 - $20 of which went to Nada (who spent it right away - partly on cigarettes, soda and chips.) Ass. I don't know when she's going to send more money. She's really badly in debt (as if we aren't) but she just got foreclosure papers in the mail and is like 4 months behind on her mortgage. Fortunately her payment isn't very high. She'll figure it out - but she shouldn't have said she'd send money if she wasn't going to be able to. I mean - it's not like it just slipped her mind that her mortgage needed to be paid. Now she's avoiding me at all costs. Nice. No calls, emails, or chats. 2 weeks ago we were chatting every day and even using the webcam. Not anymore. I'm sure she'll actually find a way to be pissed at me for all of this. Her son is a failure, a drug dealer, a loser, lazy, shoplifting, uneducated guy who refuses to look for a job or help around the house - although he has NO problem eating everything in sight and assuming that everyone is his servant. He gets so pissed about people disrespecting him - and he's totally fucking disrespecting US.
I hope he gets an apartment this weekend. I have to believe he won't, though. His girlfriend is flying in on Friday morning - supposedly with money, which I will believe it when I see it. They can NOT live here off of us - we just can't afford it financially or emotionally.
Well, enough bitching. Little Bear is over and Short Decaf is asleep on the floor so it's time for bed. Have to be up in 4 hours.
Nada Decaf (the nephew) is still here. He's smoking in the house - driving me nuts. He's sucking down Short Decaf's chocolate syrup for his chocolate milk like it's going out of style. I just bought a bottle of it yesterday (with 2 free extra ounces) and it's half gone already. Nice, huh? Shithead. He's eating our low-carb food, too. I don't know how he doesn't get a fucking clue that the bacon is off-limits.
Yes, Venti and I are still on the Atkins diet. Together we've lost 65 pounds. I've been stalled for a few days, but not unhappy with where I am. I know I'll start losing again soon. I just hate being stalled - especially when Venti is hitting new lows on the scale.
We're doing so well. At this point I bet in another 2 1/2 months (as long as we've been low-carbing) we'll both look and feel absolutely fantastic. I know we won't lose double what we have now, but I know we'll both feel really good. It's got to be at least 20 pounds more that we'll lose in that time - and man, I'm going to feel SO good about that.
I'm just waiting for an episode of Little Bear to be over so me and Short Decaf can go to bed. Another five minutes. I am so tireddddd.
I might be getting a part time job for a friend's web design company. We shall see how that works out. I wonder how much I'd get paid.
My anxiety has been pretty good lately. I've been getting better at driving around - and even a little driving. No panic attacks in a long time (knock on wood) thankfully.
I'm pissed at my sister. She said she'd be sending money for Nada Decaf to live here - but then decided to just send him here with a credit card with a $300 limit (it's in his name.) Well, of course he maxed that card and we only got $80 worth of groceries on it. Then on Sunday she sent $100 - $20 of which went to Nada (who spent it right away - partly on cigarettes, soda and chips.) Ass. I don't know when she's going to send more money. She's really badly in debt (as if we aren't) but she just got foreclosure papers in the mail and is like 4 months behind on her mortgage. Fortunately her payment isn't very high. She'll figure it out - but she shouldn't have said she'd send money if she wasn't going to be able to. I mean - it's not like it just slipped her mind that her mortgage needed to be paid. Now she's avoiding me at all costs. Nice. No calls, emails, or chats. 2 weeks ago we were chatting every day and even using the webcam. Not anymore. I'm sure she'll actually find a way to be pissed at me for all of this. Her son is a failure, a drug dealer, a loser, lazy, shoplifting, uneducated guy who refuses to look for a job or help around the house - although he has NO problem eating everything in sight and assuming that everyone is his servant. He gets so pissed about people disrespecting him - and he's totally fucking disrespecting US.
I hope he gets an apartment this weekend. I have to believe he won't, though. His girlfriend is flying in on Friday morning - supposedly with money, which I will believe it when I see it. They can NOT live here off of us - we just can't afford it financially or emotionally.
Well, enough bitching. Little Bear is over and Short Decaf is asleep on the floor so it's time for bed. Have to be up in 4 hours.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Blogthings - Who Were You In a Past Life?
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Thugs and Gangstas -- Oh My
My nephew lives with us now. I forget what his decaf name is...but anyway, I'll call him Gangsta Decaf because he's such a badass. I wholly regret allowing to have him move in here, and he's only been here for 72 hours. So far he's already admitted to dealing drugs, and he's stolen a video game from Walmart. What should I do about that? Call the police? God - stealing??? He had Tall Decaf with him, for God's sake!!! What does that teach him? Nothing good - but at least Tall was good enough to tell me about it. Shit. Now I don't know what to do. It's worse than I thought it could ever be, and I want him out of my house.
Meanwhile, Grande is not speaking to me - hasn't since Gangsta got here. I do not know why. I tell you - I'm going to talk to Grande tomorrow and tell him that he's got to get a job so that when he turns 18 at the end of the year he'll be prepared to move out. I don't know how he's doing in school (and he only goes once a week to a special program) - I don't know what his plans are other than NOT helping me around the house at-fucking-all. I mean, if he's not going to do schoolwork, and he's just going to sit around the house all fucking day, then why the fuck can't he help me out with it??
He's moved his bedroom into the basement where Gangsta also moved his bedroom. This is after I expended the effort to make sure he had a bedroom upstairs. We got him a queen sized bed, a dresser, sheets, pillowcases, blankets, a lamp, pillows, an alarm clock, a trash can, and a laundry hamper. We got all of these things during our very limited amount of free time, and set it all up so it would be perfect for him. He gets here and moves everything to the fucking basement??? What the fuck?
And THEN - we rented a big SUV to go and pick him up at the airport. We rented it from Saturday morning until Monday morning. Two days. $136.70. We did definitely need it for the trip to the airport to get him, and then we were going to take him over to the city the following day to show him around so he could get to know his new home, right? Well, Sunday morning he didn't want to go anywhere so we wasted that fucking money - AND IT PUT MY FUCKING CARD over the fucking limit!! So - now both cards have a $29 over-the-limit fee. Nice. Nice. Nice. I only went over by $8 - and THAT was because we had to put gas in the giant fucking SUV, so now I...well, it doesn't matter. I'm just getting screwed left and right.
The phone keeps fucking ringing. It just rang now and Venti is in bed trying to sleep. I hope that the bedroom phone's ringer is off. And what the fuck are people 3,000 miles away and 3 hours ahead of us doing calling when it's 2:30 am their time??? I mean, get a clue!!!
Impose much???
I need to keep a running list of why this is not working so that when I kick him out nobody is shocked and goes "but why???" Right now I'm so pissed and stressed I could puke.
UUUuuuugh.
And I was supposed to get a call from a recruiter from Venti's company ... nothing "for sure" - but just putting feelers out there for a job. The woman never called, and if she's been trying she'd be getting a busy signal or Gangsta probably told her I was in bed in the middle of the day. Nice again. I need a job. We need money.
I did just do a website for a friend, but that's only $110. Gee - that might pay my fucking credit cards. Well, it will pay my cell phone and that's it. My cell phone which Gangsta has taken over as his own - and I have to pry it from his hands just to get it at night so I can use it as my alarm clock.
I'm so fucking stupid. I really thought he'd be coming out here to try and make a new and different life. It's not going as planned. He's smoking in my house - I just fucking know it - when I have done everything in my goddamned power to be strong enough to NOT smoke in my house for six fucking months or so.
When will I ever learn? When will I STOP being so naive? When will I STOP letting people like Grande, Gangsta, and my ex walk all over me?? And you just KNOW that if I start saying something that everyone will be like "oh, she just gets like this - she'll shut up soon enough....ignore her and she'll go away."
I'm pissed.
Meanwhile, Grande is not speaking to me - hasn't since Gangsta got here. I do not know why. I tell you - I'm going to talk to Grande tomorrow and tell him that he's got to get a job so that when he turns 18 at the end of the year he'll be prepared to move out. I don't know how he's doing in school (and he only goes once a week to a special program) - I don't know what his plans are other than NOT helping me around the house at-fucking-all. I mean, if he's not going to do schoolwork, and he's just going to sit around the house all fucking day, then why the fuck can't he help me out with it??
He's moved his bedroom into the basement where Gangsta also moved his bedroom. This is after I expended the effort to make sure he had a bedroom upstairs. We got him a queen sized bed, a dresser, sheets, pillowcases, blankets, a lamp, pillows, an alarm clock, a trash can, and a laundry hamper. We got all of these things during our very limited amount of free time, and set it all up so it would be perfect for him. He gets here and moves everything to the fucking basement??? What the fuck?
And THEN - we rented a big SUV to go and pick him up at the airport. We rented it from Saturday morning until Monday morning. Two days. $136.70. We did definitely need it for the trip to the airport to get him, and then we were going to take him over to the city the following day to show him around so he could get to know his new home, right? Well, Sunday morning he didn't want to go anywhere so we wasted that fucking money - AND IT PUT MY FUCKING CARD over the fucking limit!! So - now both cards have a $29 over-the-limit fee. Nice. Nice. Nice. I only went over by $8 - and THAT was because we had to put gas in the giant fucking SUV, so now I...well, it doesn't matter. I'm just getting screwed left and right.
The phone keeps fucking ringing. It just rang now and Venti is in bed trying to sleep. I hope that the bedroom phone's ringer is off. And what the fuck are people 3,000 miles away and 3 hours ahead of us doing calling when it's 2:30 am their time??? I mean, get a clue!!!
Impose much???
I need to keep a running list of why this is not working so that when I kick him out nobody is shocked and goes "but why???" Right now I'm so pissed and stressed I could puke.
UUUuuuugh.
And I was supposed to get a call from a recruiter from Venti's company ... nothing "for sure" - but just putting feelers out there for a job. The woman never called, and if she's been trying she'd be getting a busy signal or Gangsta probably told her I was in bed in the middle of the day. Nice again. I need a job. We need money.
I did just do a website for a friend, but that's only $110. Gee - that might pay my fucking credit cards. Well, it will pay my cell phone and that's it. My cell phone which Gangsta has taken over as his own - and I have to pry it from his hands just to get it at night so I can use it as my alarm clock.
I'm so fucking stupid. I really thought he'd be coming out here to try and make a new and different life. It's not going as planned. He's smoking in my house - I just fucking know it - when I have done everything in my goddamned power to be strong enough to NOT smoke in my house for six fucking months or so.
When will I ever learn? When will I STOP being so naive? When will I STOP letting people like Grande, Gangsta, and my ex walk all over me?? And you just KNOW that if I start saying something that everyone will be like "oh, she just gets like this - she'll shut up soon enough....ignore her and she'll go away."
I'm pissed.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
End of February
I don't know how it's already the last day of February. I feel like we just had Christmas, but that was 2 months ago already. Time flies.
My nephew, Nada Decaf, is coming to live with us. We're going to pick him up at the airport on Saturday night. I'm really excited about it, but worried a little about the drive over there. I've been trying to make money so that we could rent a minivan or something that would hold our whole family, as well as to rent a hotel room for the night so that Nada Decaf can be shown around Decaf City the next day. It sucks that he's getting in so late at night, and that it will be dark. At this point I'll be lucky just to be able to scrounge up the money to take him for dinner. I really wanted him to see the city in the daytime since we actually live outside of it, and I'm not sure when we'll get over there again. The ferry costs a lot of money.
Grande Decaf has been in a bad mood a lot lately, and he won't talk to me about why. I wish he wasn't so mad at everyone all the time. I don't know if he's mad because Nada Decaf is moving in with us, or what. He just won't tell me. He hasn't gone out and applied for any jobs yet, either. He just pretty much hangs out at home and watches movies - and when it's time for his weekly school check-in he rushes to get the work done. He goes again tomorrow to check in with his advisor. I think he's doing pretty well with school, although we haven't gotten a report card or anything like that.
Tall Decaf is doing fine. He seems excited about some girl he knows from online that lives in the state we used to live in 6 years ago. He's growing so fast. 2 months and he'll be 15. Time flies. He's as big, or bigger, than most full grown men.
Short Decaf is wonderful. He's totally 3, but I just love him more and more every day. I have got to get that kid potty trained, though.
I'm still getting up early to make breakfast and clean up the house, but I've been going back to bed. It's insane to get up at 5 o'clock and then try to get everything done by 8.
My diet is going well - still. I'm surprised I'm still on it, but I like losing weight. Low carb isn't hard at all. I don't miss much of anything most of the time, and I'm down 25.5 pounds. I feel really good about that. Venti is down even more. I'm really proud of him. I reached one of my mini-goals, and my next goal is in 16.5 pounds. I was hoping to reach that before April when my sister comes out to visit, but I don't think I will. I'll probably only lose another 5 or 10 pounds by then if I'm lucky. Not that I'm cheating or anything - it's just that the weight loss has slowed down so dramatically now.
March 3rd will mark 2 full months on the diet, and like I said, I'm pleased with how much I've lost. If I could keep up this pace I'd be at goal in no time...although I know you can't keep up the dramatic weight loss of the first few weeks for very long.
Well, lots to do today - but first - going back to bed. :)
My nephew, Nada Decaf, is coming to live with us. We're going to pick him up at the airport on Saturday night. I'm really excited about it, but worried a little about the drive over there. I've been trying to make money so that we could rent a minivan or something that would hold our whole family, as well as to rent a hotel room for the night so that Nada Decaf can be shown around Decaf City the next day. It sucks that he's getting in so late at night, and that it will be dark. At this point I'll be lucky just to be able to scrounge up the money to take him for dinner. I really wanted him to see the city in the daytime since we actually live outside of it, and I'm not sure when we'll get over there again. The ferry costs a lot of money.
Grande Decaf has been in a bad mood a lot lately, and he won't talk to me about why. I wish he wasn't so mad at everyone all the time. I don't know if he's mad because Nada Decaf is moving in with us, or what. He just won't tell me. He hasn't gone out and applied for any jobs yet, either. He just pretty much hangs out at home and watches movies - and when it's time for his weekly school check-in he rushes to get the work done. He goes again tomorrow to check in with his advisor. I think he's doing pretty well with school, although we haven't gotten a report card or anything like that.
Tall Decaf is doing fine. He seems excited about some girl he knows from online that lives in the state we used to live in 6 years ago. He's growing so fast. 2 months and he'll be 15. Time flies. He's as big, or bigger, than most full grown men.
Short Decaf is wonderful. He's totally 3, but I just love him more and more every day. I have got to get that kid potty trained, though.
I'm still getting up early to make breakfast and clean up the house, but I've been going back to bed. It's insane to get up at 5 o'clock and then try to get everything done by 8.
My diet is going well - still. I'm surprised I'm still on it, but I like losing weight. Low carb isn't hard at all. I don't miss much of anything most of the time, and I'm down 25.5 pounds. I feel really good about that. Venti is down even more. I'm really proud of him. I reached one of my mini-goals, and my next goal is in 16.5 pounds. I was hoping to reach that before April when my sister comes out to visit, but I don't think I will. I'll probably only lose another 5 or 10 pounds by then if I'm lucky. Not that I'm cheating or anything - it's just that the weight loss has slowed down so dramatically now.
March 3rd will mark 2 full months on the diet, and like I said, I'm pleased with how much I've lost. If I could keep up this pace I'd be at goal in no time...although I know you can't keep up the dramatic weight loss of the first few weeks for very long.
Well, lots to do today - but first - going back to bed. :)
Friday, February 24, 2006
Missing Obituary on the Internet
Dwayne Joseph Clemens
January 30, 1990
He did a lot more than that, and so I'm not sure why he's not on the web more. That pisses me off.
He committed suicide by turning the car on in his garage.
I miss him a lot. He was my favorite teacher all through high school. I wanted to marry him or someone like him when I grew up - and I eventually did.He once fucked up a landing while parachuting. He turned it into a fabulous, and funny, story.He called quizzes 'quizzicals' - which would make tests....well, figure it out. He never put the thought of adding 'icals' to the end of the word test - he just waited for it to happen, and it always did. Very funny.He told me I was capable of so much more. But he committed suicide. HE was capable of so much more.
January 30, 1990
son of Donald Junior CLEMENS, M (10 July 1926-14 August 2004) & Arabelle Emma GOTTSHALK, F (22 March 1928-), in Campbelltown, PA. Born on 3 November 1951 in Pottstown, PA. Dwayne Joseph died in Campbelltown, PA, on 30 January 1990; he was 38. Occupation: Teacher at Cedar Crest High School (Lebanon, PA), MATH. Religion: Methodist. Served in the military.
He did a lot more than that, and so I'm not sure why he's not on the web more. That pisses me off.
He committed suicide by turning the car on in his garage.
I miss him a lot. He was my favorite teacher all through high school. I wanted to marry him or someone like him when I grew up - and I eventually did.He once fucked up a landing while parachuting. He turned it into a fabulous, and funny, story.He called quizzes 'quizzicals' - which would make tests....well, figure it out. He never put the thought of adding 'icals' to the end of the word test - he just waited for it to happen, and it always did. Very funny.He told me I was capable of so much more. But he committed suicide. HE was capable of so much more.
He wore the UGLIEST pants to work; like dark gray polyester pants. I always thought that was the one thing I couldn't stand about him. However, I worked at a drug store when I was 16 and he came in for cigarettes or pipe tobacco or something - I don't remember, and he was wearing jeans and a really cool tweed hat. I guess his teacher wardrobe wasn't quite his favorite clothing either.
I think his full obituary should be on the Internet. This guy affected so many people so positively, and who cares what he did in his personal life to warrant his being turned into some sort of outcast even post-mortum. I learned more than math from him, and I know that many others did, too. This life shouldn't go unrecognized.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
One Of Those Days
Bluck!!! What the FUCK is up with everyone today? Nobody is online, nobody is responding to posts on message boards, nobody is emailing?? God - it's like forcing me to clean my house from total fucking boredom!! I actually just straightened up my living room - and if you know me, you know that's SERIOUS fucking boredom.
I am starting a new "program" to get my house organized. Wish me luck. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of and rearrange. Big project, but I'm taking it in smaller chunks. I think I need organization in every aspect of my life - but starting in my home is the most important. I think it trickles into other aspects of life that way.
God - time to grow up and be responsible, I guess.
I am starting a new "program" to get my house organized. Wish me luck. I have a lot of stuff to get rid of and rearrange. Big project, but I'm taking it in smaller chunks. I think I need organization in every aspect of my life - but starting in my home is the most important. I think it trickles into other aspects of life that way.
God - time to grow up and be responsible, I guess.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Diet Cheat Weekend
Well, it wasn't so bad. I only gained 3 pounds, tops. I went back on the plan this morning and made it through the day nicely. Well - I did have some trouble eating breakfast - skipped it actually - so that was one bad thing.
Kind of got some stunning revelations today - no, not kind of - definitely. I wonder how it will affect our lives in the future, but I'm trying to remain positive about it - although for many it would be - or will be - a negative thing. Cryptic enough?
I think I'm done watching the Olympics now. I've seen everything I wanted to see. I might watch some more figure skating, but that's about it.
God, I have had a gallon of water today. Unreal. I'm still afraid to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll be okay with it (sort of) if I don't lose any weight for a day or two - I DID cheat pretty badly, afterall. I just hope the cheat actually does kickstart some faster weight loss, which is why we had the cheat to begin with.
I'm glad it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I could use some more romance.
Kind of got some stunning revelations today - no, not kind of - definitely. I wonder how it will affect our lives in the future, but I'm trying to remain positive about it - although for many it would be - or will be - a negative thing. Cryptic enough?
I think I'm done watching the Olympics now. I've seen everything I wanted to see. I might watch some more figure skating, but that's about it.
God, I have had a gallon of water today. Unreal. I'm still afraid to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll be okay with it (sort of) if I don't lose any weight for a day or two - I DID cheat pretty badly, afterall. I just hope the cheat actually does kickstart some faster weight loss, which is why we had the cheat to begin with.
I'm glad it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I could use some more romance.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
GD Muscle Cramps and Low-Carb Diets
This LC diet has brought a new pain in the ass - leg and muscle cramps. Obviously I need Potassium, but I'm pissed because I don't know how to use supplements and now I've read that if you use them wrong you can get a racing heart...or a lack of them can cause an irregular heartbeat. I wish I had a family doctor to talk about these things with. Sometimes, even though I'm losing weight on this diet, I think I should choose another method of weight loss. I even found out that LCing can cause a build-up of lactic acid in your muscles, and lactic acid makes people with panic disorder panic. Well, it is also what they give people so that they can experience what a panic attack feels like. Nice, huh? I just don't know what to do.
It's almost 1AM and I should be in bed because it's Friday - and the longer I stay awake, the less time I have with Venti in the morning. I hate to waste any time that I could be with him on the weekends. I have a feeling - no, I know - that if I go to bed right now I won't sleep very long - probably only until about 7 - and he won't be up that early.
Good news is that I didn't have any panic attacks today. I was careful with my xanax usage so that I wouldn't - but didn't overdo it. I stayed within my comfortable range with it, but I have to take 1mg more before I go to bed. God DAMN these muscle cramps. Always SOMETHING to make me panic. Grrr.
(Hmm...back to the lactic acid thing - that would explain why it felt like I did 1,000 crunches on Superbowl Sunday - just from jumping up and down when I was watching the game. )
Short Decaf is already asleep - so he'll be up early, too. I need to take a shower and not make any noise that will wake him up before I go to bed. That's going to be hard since his room is right next to the bathroom - and if he wakes up and calls for me and I don't answer he'll start crying. *sigh*
Just want to send a shout out to AWH...FUCK YOU MOTHER BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU FOR STRESSING OUT VENTI!!!!!!
Whew. That felt good.
I watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics tonight. I always feel compelled to watch it, but then lose interest in it as it seems to drag on and on. Venti fell asleep in the midst of it. Yeah, it was pretty boring. I can't wait for the figure-skating and the skiing, though. :) Oh - and the snowboarding - THAT'S what I'm really looking forward to the most! :) I'm so glad they're putting those on during Prime Time and not at like 3am or something ridiculous like that.
Oh - another diet-related issue. I have a big-ass bruise on my calf. I read that bruising means you're not getting Vitamin C. Shit. Another supplement I don't know how to use. I really wish I had a family doctor to talk to about this shit.
I've decided to 'fire' my panic doctor. Not my therapist, but the one with "prescriptive authority." I've heard from two of her patients now, and things aren't sounding good. One guy told me to just NOT see her again, and another said that "yeah - she seems kind of off lately." I agree. I just don't need some moody bitch fucking with my panic disorder - because I do enough of that for myself already! But, MAN do I like my psychologist. He's cool. He hasn't helped me much so far - well, hasn't helped me at all really - but he did get me in to see the massage therapist so he's the BEST in my book!
Okay, so is tomorrow (Saturday) going to be a cheat day or not? I just don't know at this point. I had been plateauing at a certain weight for more than a week, but then these past two days I lost a pound each day. Going off the plan will really fuck with that - and I don't really feel like cheating...I just want these goddamn cramps to go away. I don't want to see the scale say I gained five pounds after a 2 day carb binge (not that I'd pig out) - either.
Well...that's my rant.
It's almost 1AM and I should be in bed because it's Friday - and the longer I stay awake, the less time I have with Venti in the morning. I hate to waste any time that I could be with him on the weekends. I have a feeling - no, I know - that if I go to bed right now I won't sleep very long - probably only until about 7 - and he won't be up that early.
Good news is that I didn't have any panic attacks today. I was careful with my xanax usage so that I wouldn't - but didn't overdo it. I stayed within my comfortable range with it, but I have to take 1mg more before I go to bed. God DAMN these muscle cramps. Always SOMETHING to make me panic. Grrr.
(Hmm...back to the lactic acid thing - that would explain why it felt like I did 1,000 crunches on Superbowl Sunday - just from jumping up and down when I was watching the game. )
Short Decaf is already asleep - so he'll be up early, too. I need to take a shower and not make any noise that will wake him up before I go to bed. That's going to be hard since his room is right next to the bathroom - and if he wakes up and calls for me and I don't answer he'll start crying. *sigh*
Just want to send a shout out to AWH...FUCK YOU MOTHER BITCHES!!! FUCK YOU FOR STRESSING OUT VENTI!!!!!!
Whew. That felt good.
I watched the opening ceremony for the Olympics tonight. I always feel compelled to watch it, but then lose interest in it as it seems to drag on and on. Venti fell asleep in the midst of it. Yeah, it was pretty boring. I can't wait for the figure-skating and the skiing, though. :) Oh - and the snowboarding - THAT'S what I'm really looking forward to the most! :) I'm so glad they're putting those on during Prime Time and not at like 3am or something ridiculous like that.
Oh - another diet-related issue. I have a big-ass bruise on my calf. I read that bruising means you're not getting Vitamin C. Shit. Another supplement I don't know how to use. I really wish I had a family doctor to talk to about this shit.
I've decided to 'fire' my panic doctor. Not my therapist, but the one with "prescriptive authority." I've heard from two of her patients now, and things aren't sounding good. One guy told me to just NOT see her again, and another said that "yeah - she seems kind of off lately." I agree. I just don't need some moody bitch fucking with my panic disorder - because I do enough of that for myself already! But, MAN do I like my psychologist. He's cool. He hasn't helped me much so far - well, hasn't helped me at all really - but he did get me in to see the massage therapist so he's the BEST in my book!
Okay, so is tomorrow (Saturday) going to be a cheat day or not? I just don't know at this point. I had been plateauing at a certain weight for more than a week, but then these past two days I lost a pound each day. Going off the plan will really fuck with that - and I don't really feel like cheating...I just want these goddamn cramps to go away. I don't want to see the scale say I gained five pounds after a 2 day carb binge (not that I'd pig out) - either.
Well...that's my rant.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
JJ....JJ......JJ....
JJ the Jet Plane. I've been hearing this for hours now ever since Short Decaf has been watching On Demand. This could quite possibly be why I have panic attacks. Who the hell wouldn't listening to kids shows all day and night?
I'm so tired. I stopped taking Lexapro on Sunday and so that's two days without any. It's really messing with my head and giving me anxiety-type symptoms for withdrawal. Lovely. I think I'll be better off without it, though. I should certainly be able to better lose weight. I hope that's the case, anyway.
Oh, hey - 5 1/2 weeks until Spring - so there's something to look forward to.
My sister and her husband...AND my brother & his wife are on a white sandy beach in the Bahamas right now working on their tans. I'm so jealous. I know that the plane ride would make me panic, but I know once I got there and was just a few sips into my first funky-fruity drink I'd be just fine. Reeeeally fine. Why does she get to go on real vacations and I don't? It's just not fair. :( I want a vacation so bad. :(
I wonder if I've ever actually had a real vacation? Pretty much seems like the most I've ever done is the econo-version of a "vacation"...you know...drive FOREVER and get to a crowded, dirty beach and pretend that it's everything you needed to FINALLY be able to relax...knowing full well you are totally full of shit. And, no - driving across the country was not a vacation at all...it was hard work being crammed into the car with 3 kids and a cat for a week.
So. My diet isn't going all that well right now. Day 35 of no cheating is behind me, and although I was very, very good the past three days I gained 1 1/2 pounds for some fucked up reason. I don't have any clue how a person can lose 20 pounds and feel fatter than they ever have before. I want to cheat SO badly, but I haven't. If I keep gaining I will cheat and then go back on the diet because - what the hell, maybe it will break the cycle of gaining or plateauing. I'll give it another day or two though, first.
Man, I feel like shit. I'm not tired enough to go to bed and sleep well, I'm too tired to do anything productive, I feel like I've done 1,000 crunches from all the jumping up and down I did during the Superbowl (all for naught as the Seahawks lost - unfairly, too), I'm anxious and have a lot of tension in my chest (why can't massage therapists be free and on-call?), it's early in the week, and on it goes.
Here are my picks for "the planet has gone to shit and you have to be on a desert island with 3 men and you really want to be both sexually fulfilled AND entertained while repopulating the planet".... these are in order from 1st to last.
Colin Firth
I'm not sure why. I also didn't know he was a "heart throb" in England - but I don't care. He's just fucking hot...something required in a guy who I plan on being stuck with for a while. Because, of course, I only know his character from a few movies - and most loved in Love, Actually - I would say he'd be the best at all-around likeability - pretty great sex - funny, and a great conversationalist. I mean, he's got that accent going for him, and he USES his eyes. This guy is the complete package.
Bradley Whitford
Known basically from his role on The West Wing...he's smart, funny, REALLY funny, quick-witted, and totally looks hot. I probably wouldn't have sex with him as often as the guy above, but when I did it would be excellent sex, not better, just different.
Hmm...noticing a few similarities between these two guys. Clothing style, hair style, chin thing, etc.
Unfortunately, I'm having a terrible time coming up with the third guy. I thought, and thought, and finally just caved and said Brad Pitt, but I know that wouldn't work. I thought that - of course - John Cusak would be great, but he's so moody and has been a star since he was a kid so he's probably a real pompous ass in real life, pretty much not grounded in reality all that much - and I think the dark-broody thing would get old pretty quickly. I also think the sex would suck. No clue why I think that. I briefly thought of Will Smith, but then thought that he would have similar problems like John Cusak - along with being obnoxiously funny all the time, and a not-so-great lover. Again, I don't know why. Brad Pitt - and then, of course, Ben Affleck - both eye candy who wouldn't really do much for me in the mind department, but they both look great, and I can imagine sex with either of them would be decent. Well - Brad better than Ben.
I am seriously having trouble coming up with that damn third guy!!! What's wrong with me?? Oh, hell - how about Johnny Depp? Let's find a picture of him...
Johnny Depp
Okay, this makes sense to me. He's totally different than my first two guys - would be hellish cool to hang out with - and a refreshing break when things needed to be lightened up.
Besides...if you are gonna be stranded on an island - he's got that whole Pirates of the Carribean thing going for him.
I imagine sex with him would be most excellent, but that's about it...no mind-blowing conversations or great romance... - so yeah, my order still stands.
You know...I think - when a woman thinks up an answer to a question like this - she almost has to say to herself "who would touch me the softest and make me cum the hardest?" That sounds totally slutty - but hey, I'm stuck with these guys for years and years - I better be asking myself the right questions, right? And there's no way there's going to be any intense orgasm with some space-pod eye-candy dude who can't hold a conversation deeper than how the salt air is making his hair foofy. And do I really want to create children with guys who suck at sex? Get that shit out of the gene pool!
Hmmm...I just realized that all these guys are much older than me. I wonder what that says about me? Colin Firth is 46, Bradley Whitford is 47, and Johnny Depp is 43. I guess I like mature guys? Another instance of "I don't know why."
So, okay, you now have my official "desert island" list - and yes, I am taking into consideration that I don't know these people at all - and that I'm going by the characters I've seen them portray.
Shit. 3:15am and I'm still not sleepy - but now I'm anxious. What the hell am I going to do now that I've run out of things to say AND embarrassingly laid out (no pun intended) all of this desert island shit in my blog?
I'm so tired. I stopped taking Lexapro on Sunday and so that's two days without any. It's really messing with my head and giving me anxiety-type symptoms for withdrawal. Lovely. I think I'll be better off without it, though. I should certainly be able to better lose weight. I hope that's the case, anyway.
Oh, hey - 5 1/2 weeks until Spring - so there's something to look forward to.
My sister and her husband...AND my brother & his wife are on a white sandy beach in the Bahamas right now working on their tans. I'm so jealous. I know that the plane ride would make me panic, but I know once I got there and was just a few sips into my first funky-fruity drink I'd be just fine. Reeeeally fine. Why does she get to go on real vacations and I don't? It's just not fair. :( I want a vacation so bad. :(
I wonder if I've ever actually had a real vacation? Pretty much seems like the most I've ever done is the econo-version of a "vacation"...you know...drive FOREVER and get to a crowded, dirty beach and pretend that it's everything you needed to FINALLY be able to relax...knowing full well you are totally full of shit. And, no - driving across the country was not a vacation at all...it was hard work being crammed into the car with 3 kids and a cat for a week.
So. My diet isn't going all that well right now. Day 35 of no cheating is behind me, and although I was very, very good the past three days I gained 1 1/2 pounds for some fucked up reason. I don't have any clue how a person can lose 20 pounds and feel fatter than they ever have before. I want to cheat SO badly, but I haven't. If I keep gaining I will cheat and then go back on the diet because - what the hell, maybe it will break the cycle of gaining or plateauing. I'll give it another day or two though, first.
Man, I feel like shit. I'm not tired enough to go to bed and sleep well, I'm too tired to do anything productive, I feel like I've done 1,000 crunches from all the jumping up and down I did during the Superbowl (all for naught as the Seahawks lost - unfairly, too), I'm anxious and have a lot of tension in my chest (why can't massage therapists be free and on-call?), it's early in the week, and on it goes.
Here are my picks for "the planet has gone to shit and you have to be on a desert island with 3 men and you really want to be both sexually fulfilled AND entertained while repopulating the planet".... these are in order from 1st to last.
Colin FirthI'm not sure why. I also didn't know he was a "heart throb" in England - but I don't care. He's just fucking hot...something required in a guy who I plan on being stuck with for a while. Because, of course, I only know his character from a few movies - and most loved in Love, Actually - I would say he'd be the best at all-around likeability - pretty great sex - funny, and a great conversationalist. I mean, he's got that accent going for him, and he USES his eyes. This guy is the complete package.
Bradley WhitfordKnown basically from his role on The West Wing...he's smart, funny, REALLY funny, quick-witted, and totally looks hot. I probably wouldn't have sex with him as often as the guy above, but when I did it would be excellent sex, not better, just different.
Hmm...noticing a few similarities between these two guys. Clothing style, hair style, chin thing, etc.
Unfortunately, I'm having a terrible time coming up with the third guy. I thought, and thought, and finally just caved and said Brad Pitt, but I know that wouldn't work. I thought that - of course - John Cusak would be great, but he's so moody and has been a star since he was a kid so he's probably a real pompous ass in real life, pretty much not grounded in reality all that much - and I think the dark-broody thing would get old pretty quickly. I also think the sex would suck. No clue why I think that. I briefly thought of Will Smith, but then thought that he would have similar problems like John Cusak - along with being obnoxiously funny all the time, and a not-so-great lover. Again, I don't know why. Brad Pitt - and then, of course, Ben Affleck - both eye candy who wouldn't really do much for me in the mind department, but they both look great, and I can imagine sex with either of them would be decent. Well - Brad better than Ben.
I am seriously having trouble coming up with that damn third guy!!! What's wrong with me?? Oh, hell - how about Johnny Depp? Let's find a picture of him...
Johnny DeppOkay, this makes sense to me. He's totally different than my first two guys - would be hellish cool to hang out with - and a refreshing break when things needed to be lightened up.
Besides...if you are gonna be stranded on an island - he's got that whole Pirates of the Carribean thing going for him.
I imagine sex with him would be most excellent, but that's about it...no mind-blowing conversations or great romance... - so yeah, my order still stands.
You know...I think - when a woman thinks up an answer to a question like this - she almost has to say to herself "who would touch me the softest and make me cum the hardest?" That sounds totally slutty - but hey, I'm stuck with these guys for years and years - I better be asking myself the right questions, right? And there's no way there's going to be any intense orgasm with some space-pod eye-candy dude who can't hold a conversation deeper than how the salt air is making his hair foofy. And do I really want to create children with guys who suck at sex? Get that shit out of the gene pool!
Hmmm...I just realized that all these guys are much older than me. I wonder what that says about me? Colin Firth is 46, Bradley Whitford is 47, and Johnny Depp is 43. I guess I like mature guys? Another instance of "I don't know why."
So, okay, you now have my official "desert island" list - and yes, I am taking into consideration that I don't know these people at all - and that I'm going by the characters I've seen them portray.
Shit. 3:15am and I'm still not sleepy - but now I'm anxious. What the hell am I going to do now that I've run out of things to say AND embarrassingly laid out (no pun intended) all of this desert island shit in my blog?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Facing a Phobia
Well, I just exercised on purpose for the first time in - I think - six years. I walked a mile to a DVD called Walk Away the Pounds. I got through the whole mile, but it was a little challenging - and I didn't panic at all during it. I am, however, quite anxious now. I have been done with the damn thing for an hour now and I guess if I was going to drop over it would have happened by now. God damn I hate phobias and fears. I KNOW my heart is fine, and I've had a ton of tests on it to prove that - even ran like a fiend in front of 3 old cardiologists about 2 years ago - or maybe it wasn't that long ago - more like a year and a half? I don't know - but I can't imagine that much has changed in the health of my heart since then - and all my doctors say to start walking - so I have. I did. I am just anxious about it.
This is part of my therapy, though. The psychologist wants me to exercise to get my heart rate elevated so that I can get used to the fact that my heart can speed up and that doesn't mean anything bad. Okay - that sounds easy enough, but then why am I so fucking anxious???
Not to sound idiotic or anything - or embarrass Venti at all, but he and I can have some pretty damn athletic sex that lasts longer than the DVD I just did - and I don't panic after that! (Usually.) So why am I anxious now? What's the difference?
Frame of mind - thoughts I'm putting to feelings I suppose.
I just hope I can keep doing this video, see that it gets easier, and see that it doesn't kill me.
Thankfully Grande Decaf did the DVD with me. I was happy he was there because even he got winded a little, and there's nobody in this house who is in better shape than him.
Okay, really need to get over the anxiety of this. It's been - like I said - more than an hour. The only thing that hurts is my calf muscles (and I LOVE that feeling.) My chest is fine. My pulse is at my normal rate again. I had no pain during the DVD - no pain afterwards - just a few skipped beats when I was checking my pulse (but I think that was from being anxious about it.)
It was kind of cool to actually break a sweat, though. I can't wait until I can do the DVD without it feeling like a total workout. I was reading on a message board that this one lady gave her SEVENTY YEAR OLD mother the 1 mile DVD because her doctor told her to walk a mile. Now...if some 70-year-old lady can do it - I can do it. I'm less than half her age. I'm perfectly healthy other than being overweight.
Damn. I fucking hate anxiety. But at least I did the DVD. I did not waste the money. I walked a mile. I walked a mile. I walked a mile!!! :) Very happy about that - even if I am scared about it. Oh, and just for reference - it took 24 minutes. 2.5 miles per hour.
Hopefully I will be able to do this DVD 3 times a week and then work up to every day. I just really, really don't want to panic like this every single goddamned time I do it. That will get old very, very fast.
This is part of my therapy, though. The psychologist wants me to exercise to get my heart rate elevated so that I can get used to the fact that my heart can speed up and that doesn't mean anything bad. Okay - that sounds easy enough, but then why am I so fucking anxious???
Not to sound idiotic or anything - or embarrass Venti at all, but he and I can have some pretty damn athletic sex that lasts longer than the DVD I just did - and I don't panic after that! (Usually.) So why am I anxious now? What's the difference?
Frame of mind - thoughts I'm putting to feelings I suppose.
I just hope I can keep doing this video, see that it gets easier, and see that it doesn't kill me.
Thankfully Grande Decaf did the DVD with me. I was happy he was there because even he got winded a little, and there's nobody in this house who is in better shape than him.
Okay, really need to get over the anxiety of this. It's been - like I said - more than an hour. The only thing that hurts is my calf muscles (and I LOVE that feeling.) My chest is fine. My pulse is at my normal rate again. I had no pain during the DVD - no pain afterwards - just a few skipped beats when I was checking my pulse (but I think that was from being anxious about it.)
It was kind of cool to actually break a sweat, though. I can't wait until I can do the DVD without it feeling like a total workout. I was reading on a message board that this one lady gave her SEVENTY YEAR OLD mother the 1 mile DVD because her doctor told her to walk a mile. Now...if some 70-year-old lady can do it - I can do it. I'm less than half her age. I'm perfectly healthy other than being overweight.
Damn. I fucking hate anxiety. But at least I did the DVD. I did not waste the money. I walked a mile. I walked a mile. I walked a mile!!! :) Very happy about that - even if I am scared about it. Oh, and just for reference - it took 24 minutes. 2.5 miles per hour.
Hopefully I will be able to do this DVD 3 times a week and then work up to every day. I just really, really don't want to panic like this every single goddamned time I do it. That will get old very, very fast.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Dark Circles
I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like crap - but I wonder what dark circles come from. I sleep enough, but I don't get restful sleep very often. Maybe that's it. I've been majorly stressed about my sister's husband's Army National Guard unit getting activated. Maybe that's it. I've been having a lot of anxiety from changing the way I eat - it's been 30 days of low-carbing and my body still isn't used to it. Maybe that's it. Ever worried about money. Could it be that? Maybe it's all of those things...plus a thousand other thoughts/worries/fears that go through my mind at all times. Yeah...I'm guessing it's that.
That would be "life."
That would be "life."
Friday, January 27, 2006
It Takes A Village
Old African Proverb. It takes a village to raise a child.
It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village.
Where is my goddamn village?
Nobody Is An Island (props)
During the Depression, there was plenty of poverty and misery. Jim Crow segregation viciously discriminated against peaceful, industrious, law-abiding citizens. The very face of the earth seemed turned against us, as the skies were darkened by the choking dust storms of the 1930s. People had many reasons to feel sorry for themselves. They call it the Depression because that's just exactly what it was. You know how you feel when you're depressed. Imagine how it is when the whole country gets that way at the same time.
But people connected with each other during the Depression. They had family and friends around them. Everybody was broke and so everybody was in the same boat. And as everyone who is poor knows, there is nobody who is more generous than another poor person. So people helped each other out. Not only with the physical necessities of life -- such as food, clothing and shelter -- but also with the spiritual and emotional necessities. It's pretty awful when you feel like you are all alone and the whole world is against you. Life is a lot easier when you are part of a network of friends and family, a community, a neighborhood.
--
RATIONALE: Social isolation is anxiogenic (causes anxiety) and may change the effects of anxiolytic drugs. (makes them not work as well.)
CONCLUSIONS: The lack of appropriate endocrinological changes challenges the concept of "isolation stress". However, isolation was anxiogenic in our study and it also induced subtle changes in the effects of chlordiazepoxide. It appears that mild daily stressors have a protective effect against the effects of isolation.
--
Isolation stress can (a) increase plasma epinephrine levels (that's adrenaline)
--
Edna St. Vincent Millay: "My candle burns at both ends/It will not last the night."
--
A husband who wants to console his wife, who feels burnt out and overwhelmed by her role as a stay-at-home-mother/wife, will tell her that "it takes a village...", and then he goes away to his "village" where he gets emotional, spiritual, and intellectual support (and stimulation) while his wife is still sitting at home, which is nothing at all like a village, but more like an isolation cell.
--
I know what I used to be. I am not much like a Mexican Jumping Bean put between the jaws of a clamp, which has been cranked down so tightly that it cannot possibly jump any longer, yet it is completely aware that it USED to be able to jump. Cruelty. I cannot think of many things worse to have happen to a person.
--
Our biggest problems arise from the fact that we have not only lost the way, but we have lost the address (Nicolai Berdyaev).
--
All of my lines are broken...Sociologists talk about 'social networks'. Your social network consists of everyone you know. Imagine a set of points some of which are joined by lines. The points are people, or sometimes groups, and the lines tell you who interacts with whom. Each person is in touch with a number of others, some of whom may know each other. There is no common boundary to the network (unless a tribe in Papua New Guinea hasn't been discovered yet!).
It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village. It takes a village.
Where is my goddamn village?
Nobody Is An Island (props)
During the Depression, there was plenty of poverty and misery. Jim Crow segregation viciously discriminated against peaceful, industrious, law-abiding citizens. The very face of the earth seemed turned against us, as the skies were darkened by the choking dust storms of the 1930s. People had many reasons to feel sorry for themselves. They call it the Depression because that's just exactly what it was. You know how you feel when you're depressed. Imagine how it is when the whole country gets that way at the same time. But people connected with each other during the Depression. They had family and friends around them. Everybody was broke and so everybody was in the same boat. And as everyone who is poor knows, there is nobody who is more generous than another poor person. So people helped each other out. Not only with the physical necessities of life -- such as food, clothing and shelter -- but also with the spiritual and emotional necessities. It's pretty awful when you feel like you are all alone and the whole world is against you. Life is a lot easier when you are part of a network of friends and family, a community, a neighborhood.
--
RATIONALE: Social isolation is anxiogenic (causes anxiety) and may change the effects of anxiolytic drugs. (makes them not work as well.)
CONCLUSIONS: The lack of appropriate endocrinological changes challenges the concept of "isolation stress". However, isolation was anxiogenic in our study and it also induced subtle changes in the effects of chlordiazepoxide. It appears that mild daily stressors have a protective effect against the effects of isolation.
--
Isolation stress can (a) increase plasma epinephrine levels (that's adrenaline)
--
Edna St. Vincent Millay: "My candle burns at both ends/It will not last the night."
--
A husband who wants to console his wife, who feels burnt out and overwhelmed by her role as a stay-at-home-mother/wife, will tell her that "it takes a village...", and then he goes away to his "village" where he gets emotional, spiritual, and intellectual support (and stimulation) while his wife is still sitting at home, which is nothing at all like a village, but more like an isolation cell.
--
I know what I used to be. I am not much like a Mexican Jumping Bean put between the jaws of a clamp, which has been cranked down so tightly that it cannot possibly jump any longer, yet it is completely aware that it USED to be able to jump. Cruelty. I cannot think of many things worse to have happen to a person.
--
Our biggest problems arise from the fact that we have not only lost the way, but we have lost the address (Nicolai Berdyaev).
--
It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature, which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.--C.S. Lewis, 'The Weight of Glory', Screwtape Proposes a Toast, Collins: London, 1965, p.109. [172]
--All of my lines are broken...Sociologists talk about 'social networks'. Your social network consists of everyone you know. Imagine a set of points some of which are joined by lines. The points are people, or sometimes groups, and the lines tell you who interacts with whom. Each person is in touch with a number of others, some of whom may know each other. There is no common boundary to the network (unless a tribe in Papua New Guinea hasn't been discovered yet!).
In modern industrial societies people move further away from their 'home town' or childhood village, and they move more often. Social networks therefore replace 'communities'. We know more people more superficially. As we move house (on the average every 3-5 years in some middle class suburbs) we leave friends behind and are sometimes hesitant to make close friends in the new location, knowing we'll have to leave them soon too. So marriage is becoming more important to satisfy needs some of which would be met by the wider community in traditional cultures. But the 'catch 22' here is that marriage is becoming more fragile, due to the disintegration of societal values. This is the terrible price we pay for a flexible economic system.
--
Now there's good news and bad news here. Individuals and families ought to have boundaries - physical, material, emotional - and others ought to respect those boundaries. Indeed, boundaries define us, in many ways. They tell us and others 'what is me and what is not me'. My fence tells me where my property begins and ends. My skin does the same thing for my body. Words do it in communication - particularly the word 'No!' which helps others understand that you exist apart from them, and that 'I am in control of me'. Taking time off from involvement with people or projects helps you gain control of your own time-program. Emotionally, we need some privacy, particularly when someone else wants to abuse us: because we fear being alone we permit another to invade our personal space. We may have to separate ourselves from that person for a time to regain our emotional strength. And we must learn that the abusive 'invader' is not the only source of love and intimacy in the world: we need to selectively 'expose' ourselves to others as well. For many humans, the desire to help others is a subtle (perhaps unconscious) ploy to invade their space to satisfy some of our own needs. We 'need to be needed'. The love we give is 'need love' not 'gift love'. Was it Thoreau who said 'When you see someone coming towards you with the obvious intent of doing you good run for your life'? And C S Lewis wrote about a lady who 'went around doing good: you could tell those she did good to by their hunted look.' Many people-helpers want to be 'little messiahs', saving everyone from themselves.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
I Miss Friends
It's only Thursday morning, but Thursday's used to be Friends night. Now all TV sucks, and especially since I found out on Sunday that they're cancelling The West Wing. Fuckers. Well, I guess we'll finally get to see if Josh and Donna get together. They damn well better.
The only other thing worth watching on TV, really, is The Office. I never saw the British version of it, but I surely do love this one. I can't believe how much I laugh at that show - it's so totally different - the looks the characters give the camera are just priceless. Very funny. Five Stars.
I've been watching American Idol, too. Still can't stop thinking that Simon Cowell is cute. I really like men who laugh and ... well, okay, stuck up a little bit. (so sue me.) Oh - yeah, I was just reminded of another guy that fits that bill - he was in ... shit, what movie was that - ..... some Christmas movie with Hugh Grant...(off to imdb.com I go....) Love, Actually. Yeah, that was it. The dude's name is Colin Firth.
I swear to God Short Decaf's little toy dump truck is possessed. You have to push a button or something to make it make these horrible noises, and three times tonight it's just decided to go off on it's own. It's freaking me out and pissing me off. I hate the sound of shrill little toys. Grrr. I think his Aunt got this one for him. Aren't aunties just wooooonderful??
So, anyway - I'm back down to 5mg of Lexapro. I just could not handle going up in dose. I don't know how I'll handle that with the PNP, but I doubt she'll be mad. Maybe there's a better medicine out there for me? I just don't know what to do about it.
I've finally lost a few pounds, too - putting my total at 10. I am feeling pretty good about that, and hoping that the scale is kind in the morning when I approach it once again.
Grande FINALLY allowed me to cut his hair. He really, really needed it. I just trimmed it, and thinned it, and okay - made it so I can see his eyes, but really .... I didn't take much off. He had a HUGE head of hair and we could NEVER see his eyes. Ever. It was starting to get creepy.
Well, I guess our town just got a little less small. Well - in 2 1/2 hours anyway. In 2 1/2 hours Home Depot will be having their Grand Opening. yee. haw. I'm not a fan, but Venti sure fucking loves that store. Wal-Mart will be opening their doors at the end of the month. There goes the neighborhood. And, although not an ugly Wal-Mart, I still don't know if I'll be able to step foot in it. It just reminds me of....'scummy'. Big gnarly packs of people clogging the aisles trying to save a quarter on bar soap....or scrambling to reach the bin of plastic lawn ornaments shapes like bees - complete with spinning wings. (puke puke puke)
I. Am. So. Tired.
So, Venti is taking some sort of class at work. Yeah, they pay for it. Yeah, he gets a certificate or something if he passes the exam. I'm sure he will. He's pretty damn smart. I think I'm jealous that he gets to take classes. Of course, I'm too panicky to sit in a roomful of people and take a class. I'll get over that someday, though.
My sweet, adorable, perfect Short Decaf is going to be three years old next week. How is that possible? Didn't I JUST give birth to him? I want to go to the grocery store and order him a really, really cute cake. He's going to love the candles. I don't know what presents to get him (other than his first birthday-underwear LOL.) Only a mom. Geez.
Tall Decaf doesn't seem to be doing much lately. He's reading a book called Ritual,
a book that examines the reasons for having all the various Celtic festival rituals and the traditions surrounding them, along with the framework for having Druid rituals to begin with. (yeah, I didn't write that.) I think the next thing he wants to get more knowledgeable on is Ogham. (Ogham is sometimes referred to as the "Celtic Tree Alphabet.") He's such a good kid - and I am totally interested in helping him develop whatever interests he's got. As long as it's not another fucking video game.
I think I might try my hand at making my own infused oils (for cooking.) They're so expensive to buy, but maybe I could make some decent ones for less. Although, I want to use olive oil and that's not inexpensive at all. I need SOME sort of hobby!!!! Why do they all seem to cost money? I really, really ought to make exercise my hobby. Get off my fat butt and "just do it."
Well - that's all I've got...still wish Friends would be on tonight ... but at least The Office will be. I think.
The only other thing worth watching on TV, really, is The Office. I never saw the British version of it, but I surely do love this one. I can't believe how much I laugh at that show - it's so totally different - the looks the characters give the camera are just priceless. Very funny. Five Stars.
I've been watching American Idol, too. Still can't stop thinking that Simon Cowell is cute. I really like men who laugh and ... well, okay, stuck up a little bit. (so sue me.) Oh - yeah, I was just reminded of another guy that fits that bill - he was in ... shit, what movie was that - ..... some Christmas movie with Hugh Grant...(off to imdb.com I go....) Love, Actually. Yeah, that was it. The dude's name is Colin Firth.
I swear to God Short Decaf's little toy dump truck is possessed. You have to push a button or something to make it make these horrible noises, and three times tonight it's just decided to go off on it's own. It's freaking me out and pissing me off. I hate the sound of shrill little toys. Grrr. I think his Aunt got this one for him. Aren't aunties just wooooonderful??
So, anyway - I'm back down to 5mg of Lexapro. I just could not handle going up in dose. I don't know how I'll handle that with the PNP, but I doubt she'll be mad. Maybe there's a better medicine out there for me? I just don't know what to do about it.
I've finally lost a few pounds, too - putting my total at 10. I am feeling pretty good about that, and hoping that the scale is kind in the morning when I approach it once again.
Grande FINALLY allowed me to cut his hair. He really, really needed it. I just trimmed it, and thinned it, and okay - made it so I can see his eyes, but really .... I didn't take much off. He had a HUGE head of hair and we could NEVER see his eyes. Ever. It was starting to get creepy.
Well, I guess our town just got a little less small. Well - in 2 1/2 hours anyway. In 2 1/2 hours Home Depot will be having their Grand Opening. yee. haw. I'm not a fan, but Venti sure fucking loves that store. Wal-Mart will be opening their doors at the end of the month. There goes the neighborhood. And, although not an ugly Wal-Mart, I still don't know if I'll be able to step foot in it. It just reminds me of....'scummy'. Big gnarly packs of people clogging the aisles trying to save a quarter on bar soap....or scrambling to reach the bin of plastic lawn ornaments shapes like bees - complete with spinning wings. (puke puke puke)
I. Am. So. Tired.
So, Venti is taking some sort of class at work. Yeah, they pay for it. Yeah, he gets a certificate or something if he passes the exam. I'm sure he will. He's pretty damn smart. I think I'm jealous that he gets to take classes. Of course, I'm too panicky to sit in a roomful of people and take a class. I'll get over that someday, though.
My sweet, adorable, perfect Short Decaf is going to be three years old next week. How is that possible? Didn't I JUST give birth to him? I want to go to the grocery store and order him a really, really cute cake. He's going to love the candles. I don't know what presents to get him (other than his first birthday-underwear LOL.) Only a mom. Geez.
Tall Decaf doesn't seem to be doing much lately. He's reading a book called Ritual,
a book that examines the reasons for having all the various Celtic festival rituals and the traditions surrounding them, along with the framework for having Druid rituals to begin with. (yeah, I didn't write that.) I think the next thing he wants to get more knowledgeable on is Ogham. (Ogham is sometimes referred to as the "Celtic Tree Alphabet.") He's such a good kid - and I am totally interested in helping him develop whatever interests he's got. As long as it's not another fucking video game.
I think I might try my hand at making my own infused oils (for cooking.) They're so expensive to buy, but maybe I could make some decent ones for less. Although, I want to use olive oil and that's not inexpensive at all. I need SOME sort of hobby!!!! Why do they all seem to cost money? I really, really ought to make exercise my hobby. Get off my fat butt and "just do it."
Well - that's all I've got...still wish Friends would be on tonight ... but at least The Office will be. I think.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Monday Is Over
I hate Monday's. Weekends are too short. I am being obvious. Ugh.
Haven't lost any weight at all in the past five days, and it's looking like tomorrow will be another non-losing day. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it, otherwise I'll go off the diet completely.
The visits I had regarding my panic disorder over the weekend went pretty well. I'm not exactly sure what the psychologist wants me to do - I think he was just basically getting to know me. He didn't get to know much about me, but I did give him my website's URL - so now he'll know the whole story. The only thing I recall him wanting me to do was to exercise a little so I could start learning to not associate an elevated heart rate with a panic attack every time. Not as easy as it sounds.
The med check went well...Longest one of those I've ever had. She increased my Lexapro and is going to help me cut back on Xanax. I'll be glad if I can get to the point where I only take it as needed. I have to take 7.5mg of Lexapro for a week and then go to 10mg for a week and see how that ends up working out for me. I am having SERIOUS dosage increase anxiety. It's a total bitch that the startup side effects of these medicines that treat anxiety are...You guessed it...Anxiety. Lovely. I've been a total wreck, but I think that for the most part I'm hiding it pretty well. I hope, anyway.
We're now putting the whole house thing on the back burner while we fix some things on our credit. We only need five thousand dollars and we'll be in excellent shape credit-wise. Well, not excellent, but enough to get us a 100% loan at a more reasonable rate. I think we need $4,000 for fixing our credit and $1,000 for actual buying the house money. I just hope that in a few months when we've accomplished this that there are some decent priced - and nice - houses available. If not, I suppose we'll just wait until the right one comes along and by then we'll have even more saved up. Might have to move into an apartment for a few months - but that's okay. It sucks, it's the hard way, but in the long run it will pay off.
Now, how to make the $5,000. Maybe I can get my book that's 75% finished published. I'll have to work on that. I have my doubts, though. I hear it's hard to get published when you're not a "certified expert" in the field that you're writing about. How fucking retarded is that for a book like mine? It's personal experience...that should qualify me for a good publishing contract.
Okey dokey...gettin tired now. 2 AM - gee, wonder why? Short's already in bed after being lulled to sleep to the Thomas the Tank Engine show. That's such a mellow show for kids to watch - I love it for that reason - AND the fact that George Carlin does the narration. He's fucking hilarious.
Haven't lost any weight at all in the past five days, and it's looking like tomorrow will be another non-losing day. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm doing wrong and fix it, otherwise I'll go off the diet completely.
The visits I had regarding my panic disorder over the weekend went pretty well. I'm not exactly sure what the psychologist wants me to do - I think he was just basically getting to know me. He didn't get to know much about me, but I did give him my website's URL - so now he'll know the whole story. The only thing I recall him wanting me to do was to exercise a little so I could start learning to not associate an elevated heart rate with a panic attack every time. Not as easy as it sounds.
The med check went well...Longest one of those I've ever had. She increased my Lexapro and is going to help me cut back on Xanax. I'll be glad if I can get to the point where I only take it as needed. I have to take 7.5mg of Lexapro for a week and then go to 10mg for a week and see how that ends up working out for me. I am having SERIOUS dosage increase anxiety. It's a total bitch that the startup side effects of these medicines that treat anxiety are...You guessed it...Anxiety. Lovely. I've been a total wreck, but I think that for the most part I'm hiding it pretty well. I hope, anyway.
We're now putting the whole house thing on the back burner while we fix some things on our credit. We only need five thousand dollars and we'll be in excellent shape credit-wise. Well, not excellent, but enough to get us a 100% loan at a more reasonable rate. I think we need $4,000 for fixing our credit and $1,000 for actual buying the house money. I just hope that in a few months when we've accomplished this that there are some decent priced - and nice - houses available. If not, I suppose we'll just wait until the right one comes along and by then we'll have even more saved up. Might have to move into an apartment for a few months - but that's okay. It sucks, it's the hard way, but in the long run it will pay off.
Now, how to make the $5,000. Maybe I can get my book that's 75% finished published. I'll have to work on that. I have my doubts, though. I hear it's hard to get published when you're not a "certified expert" in the field that you're writing about. How fucking retarded is that for a book like mine? It's personal experience...that should qualify me for a good publishing contract.
Okey dokey...gettin tired now. 2 AM - gee, wonder why? Short's already in bed after being lulled to sleep to the Thomas the Tank Engine show. That's such a mellow show for kids to watch - I love it for that reason - AND the fact that George Carlin does the narration. He's fucking hilarious.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Mid-Week Blah
It's 2:30 on Thursday morning. Yesterday went pretty fast, and I was down another pound so that was good. I was really anxious for some reason, though. PMS probably. Short Decaf is watching the Carebear's Movie. I swear I never thought in a million years I would purposely put a Carebear's movie on my television, yet there it is in all it's idiocy entertaining my 2-year-old.
I cut Tall's hair last night - fucked it up pretty bad, but he seems to like it. I was bummed because when i cut it he seemed taller afterwards. :( I measured his height tonight and he's 5'9". I guess that's right on track for a 14 1/2 year old boy? I dunno. He's still taller than his older brother, which makes me wonder how tall Grande is going to end up being. When do boys stop growing taller, I wonder?
I should go to bed, but I ate something at 2 AM and don't ever feel good if I go to bed after I've eaten, so now I have to wait. I guess it's like waiting an hour before jumping in the pool after you've eaten. heh.
I'm not sure how things are looking with getting the loan for that house we really want. I think they're starting to look a tad dimmer - that's the impression I get, but I guess we'll know more today. The guy, Morgan, said that we'd know everything we needed to know yesterday - but that didn't happen. I hate when people over-promise and under-deliver. I hate when I do it, but I especially hate when other people do it. I just pisses me off.
Note to anyone on the Atkins diet...you WILL have to floss A LOT. (Just a random thought.)
Speaking of flossing a lot...it's getting awfully damn close to my dentist appointment on Saturday. I am SO not looking forward to that. I also have an appointment with the new therapist and the new med doctor on the same day - so it's going to be a busy three hours. At least it will all get done in one afternoon, I suppose. I'm sure Venti isn't looking forward to sitting around watching me get mentally examined for 2 hours and then sitting in a dentist's waiting room for an hour. Poor guy. Maybe he can score some free wireless off of somewhere and do some side-work. That'd be cool.
Damn, the movie is over. Now I have to find something not-too-loud to keep Short occupied. Maybe sleep? :) That's starting to sound good. NOW...if only the goddamn mother fucking answering machine in our bedroom doesn't wake me the fuck up tomorrow morning at some ungodly hour - that'd be just great.
(I put Thomas the Tank Engine on....WHEW...saved by trains!)
Woah...just got hit with one of those waves of I'M TIRED!!!! I'm sure it will pass quickly.
Well, I'm gonna go explore the low-carb forums and check my email, maybe write in my journal, and as soon as Thomas is over - BED.
I cut Tall's hair last night - fucked it up pretty bad, but he seems to like it. I was bummed because when i cut it he seemed taller afterwards. :( I measured his height tonight and he's 5'9". I guess that's right on track for a 14 1/2 year old boy? I dunno. He's still taller than his older brother, which makes me wonder how tall Grande is going to end up being. When do boys stop growing taller, I wonder?
I should go to bed, but I ate something at 2 AM and don't ever feel good if I go to bed after I've eaten, so now I have to wait. I guess it's like waiting an hour before jumping in the pool after you've eaten. heh.
I'm not sure how things are looking with getting the loan for that house we really want. I think they're starting to look a tad dimmer - that's the impression I get, but I guess we'll know more today. The guy, Morgan, said that we'd know everything we needed to know yesterday - but that didn't happen. I hate when people over-promise and under-deliver. I hate when I do it, but I especially hate when other people do it. I just pisses me off.
Note to anyone on the Atkins diet...you WILL have to floss A LOT. (Just a random thought.)
Speaking of flossing a lot...it's getting awfully damn close to my dentist appointment on Saturday. I am SO not looking forward to that. I also have an appointment with the new therapist and the new med doctor on the same day - so it's going to be a busy three hours. At least it will all get done in one afternoon, I suppose. I'm sure Venti isn't looking forward to sitting around watching me get mentally examined for 2 hours and then sitting in a dentist's waiting room for an hour. Poor guy. Maybe he can score some free wireless off of somewhere and do some side-work. That'd be cool.
Damn, the movie is over. Now I have to find something not-too-loud to keep Short occupied. Maybe sleep? :) That's starting to sound good. NOW...if only the goddamn mother fucking answering machine in our bedroom doesn't wake me the fuck up tomorrow morning at some ungodly hour - that'd be just great.
(I put Thomas the Tank Engine on....WHEW...saved by trains!)
Woah...just got hit with one of those waves of I'M TIRED!!!! I'm sure it will pass quickly.
Well, I'm gonna go explore the low-carb forums and check my email, maybe write in my journal, and as soon as Thomas is over - BED.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Not Much Progress
Well, six days ago I was down 7 pounds on my diet - and I've only lost another half of a pound. No clue what I'm doing wrong, but it's starting to piss me off. I guess I shouldn't be too pissed, though. At this rate I'd lose 15 pounds in one month. Not too shabby.
I think things are progressing on our buying a house. I'll know more tomorrow when the mortgage guy calls. We met him at his office and he gave us a free print-out of our credit history...more complete than I ever could have imagined. I don't have hideous credit, but it could stand to be cleaned up A LOT - that's for sure. If it was just a little better we'd get a lower interest rate, which would help tremendously.
We're looking at a house near a town called Keyport. I think that's a cool sounding name for a town. There is a subase there. Yes, it's subase, and not sub base. I don't know why. If we get this house we'd actually have a view of water - not anything fantastic - but like a small lake, but I'll take it!! The windows in the house are amazing, and if we can afford to remodel some things it could be a really, really incredible house some day.
Although, to be honest, I think it's adorable now.
Nothing else to report - seems I've been focused on house hunting and dieting, and that's about it.
I think things are progressing on our buying a house. I'll know more tomorrow when the mortgage guy calls. We met him at his office and he gave us a free print-out of our credit history...more complete than I ever could have imagined. I don't have hideous credit, but it could stand to be cleaned up A LOT - that's for sure. If it was just a little better we'd get a lower interest rate, which would help tremendously.
We're looking at a house near a town called Keyport. I think that's a cool sounding name for a town. There is a subase there. Yes, it's subase, and not sub base. I don't know why. If we get this house we'd actually have a view of water - not anything fantastic - but like a small lake, but I'll take it!! The windows in the house are amazing, and if we can afford to remodel some things it could be a really, really incredible house some day.
Although, to be honest, I think it's adorable now.
Nothing else to report - seems I've been focused on house hunting and dieting, and that's about it.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Spot The Fake Smile
BBC - Science & Nature - Human Body and Mind - Spot The Fake Smile
(This takes about 5 minutes.) I got like 9 out of 20. The second time I got 19/20. Of course, it's the same test the second time, but I swear I didn't remember what I had selected before :)
(This takes about 5 minutes.) I got like 9 out of 20. The second time I got 19/20. Of course, it's the same test the second time, but I swear I didn't remember what I had selected before :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Atkins is Working
As of yesterday morning I was down 7 pounds. That's in one week. I think that's pretty fucking good. Well - then again, if my scale was off - it might only be a 5-pound loss, but that's okay, too. I hate weighing myself - it's so fucking emotional.
I'm worried about you Xeno. Write to me, dammit.
Not sure which direction Venti and I are going to take with this whole buying a house venture. I think we should move cautiously even though I desperately want a house. I just don't want to rush into it and be unhappy for the next ten years because we didn't take our time. I know we have to move out of here by the end of July, but even getting an apartment will give us time to get our shit together, work out a savings plan and a budget, and be better prepared for buying a house when the right one comes along. Like Venti said tonight - maybe we should sink some money into a financial advisor and just say straight out that 'hey, look - neither of us have our fathers anymore so could you just kind of fill in that role and tell us where we're going wrong, and what to do about it?' I don't know - it's something to think about.
I will say that just thinking about buying a house is stressful. Owning one - yes, a dream come true, but the process sucks if you have very little to no money, as well as not exactly stellar credit.
I'm worried about you Xeno. Write to me, dammit.
Not sure which direction Venti and I are going to take with this whole buying a house venture. I think we should move cautiously even though I desperately want a house. I just don't want to rush into it and be unhappy for the next ten years because we didn't take our time. I know we have to move out of here by the end of July, but even getting an apartment will give us time to get our shit together, work out a savings plan and a budget, and be better prepared for buying a house when the right one comes along. Like Venti said tonight - maybe we should sink some money into a financial advisor and just say straight out that 'hey, look - neither of us have our fathers anymore so could you just kind of fill in that role and tell us where we're going wrong, and what to do about it?' I don't know - it's something to think about.
I will say that just thinking about buying a house is stressful. Owning one - yes, a dream come true, but the process sucks if you have very little to no money, as well as not exactly stellar credit.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Little Things I Love About My Husband
In no particular order, and certainly not complete...
Again - this is a partial list. I'm exhausted -- if I wasn't I'd write much more. And please note that this list does not contain the BIG things...like how much he loves me and the kids. I just think he's pretty damn wonderful all-around.
- Drakkar - he wears it so well. It makes me feel "home" just to sink my face into his chest and breathe it in.
- The way his hair falls over his forehead in a non-preppy, not pre-planned, just-perfect kind of way.
- His height. It's perfect.
- His love of his car - not that he loves the actual car, but the passion he has about it. That's really wonderful.
- His ability to cook really fucked up foods and get me to become addicted to them.
- The perfect way he takes his jacket off. It's a work of art.
- That he knows how to make me a cup of coffee for me better than I make it for myself.
- His incredible sense of knowing what will fit where, and whether or not it will look right.
- How strong he is.
- His thighs and his butt...(thank you all those years of skiing.)
- Patience. His incredible amount of patience for so many things - big and small.
- How he talks faster and his eyes get brighter when he talks about something he's excited about. (I'll use F5 as an example here.)
- How fast, and accurately, he types.
- His extreme intelligence. I've never met anyone smarter than him.
- His love and allegiance towards a few select books he's read and really enjoyed. Years later and he can quote them. I love that.
- A memory unlike anything I've ever encountered.
- (shhh...he's a great kisser!)
- I hate to admit this, but I love how knowledgeable he is about wine. It's downright sexy.
- That he loves how quirky I am. At least I think he does. Pink hair? He encouraged that.
- That he has no idea how charming he is.
- I love that he likes cats a lot. And I love how much thought he puts into naming them.
- That he never drinks out of the carton/bottle/container - that I see.
- His complete confidence behind the wheel of a car, and for avoiding a few really bad accidents because he never stops being aware of what others around him are doing.
- How much he loves this one certain old pair of boots.
- How safe I feel when I'm with him in any circumstance or situation. Even if I'm panicking - it would be ten times worse if he wasn't there. If we're on the ferry and it was sinking I truly believe he'd figure out how to keep us all alive. If any of us were being harrassed, I know he'd protect us.
- That he always thanks me for doing little things that nobody has ever thanked me for before.
- How he sings.
- How he found me right near his lucky number - and that he found me at all.
- That he wants to learn how to play golf some day.
- His Homer Simpson slippers. How cool are they?
Again - this is a partial list. I'm exhausted -- if I wasn't I'd write much more. And please note that this list does not contain the BIG things...like how much he loves me and the kids. I just think he's pretty damn wonderful all-around.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Does It Have to Have a Title?
Well, day three of the low carb diet is behind me. I was told to expect to lose between five and ten percent of my body weight the first two weeks. Sure sounds good to me. I am kind of annoyed that my weight went up when I weighed this morning. 1/2 of a pound increase? Not good for morale - but I will persevere. I didn't have as much salad or cheese today, which might have been a culprit in the non-weight loss.
I hope I'll have lost weight when I step on the scale tomorrow. Even just 1/2 of a pound. Something!!
Venti and I got into a bit of an argument earlier today over something stupid in an email. I hate when we fight.
Nothing much new to report. I always say that and then end up writing a novel, but maybe not this time.
Let's see...well, uhm. Nope. I've got nothing.
I hope I'll have lost weight when I step on the scale tomorrow. Even just 1/2 of a pound. Something!!
Venti and I got into a bit of an argument earlier today over something stupid in an email. I hate when we fight.
Nothing much new to report. I always say that and then end up writing a novel, but maybe not this time.
Let's see...well, uhm. Nope. I've got nothing.
The Portrait of a Healer Idealist
My test results from http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
INFP - or, Idealist.
The Portrait of a Healer Idealist
INFP - or, Idealist.
The Portrait of a Healer Idealist
Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and informative and introverted in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.
Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.
Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.
Full descriptions of the Healer and Idealists are in People Patterns or Please Understand Me II
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit
Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit = What Nourishes Me, Destroys Me.
Well, Angelina Jolie has that tattoo'd on her belly. I think that's a tad MUCH, but I think it's at least something to focus on when dieting. I'm sure I can think of a lot of thinks to either agree with or bitch about in it. Give me time.
I didn't cheat on the diet today and I drank enough water. Go me. I know Venti will comment on this, but I can not wait to weigh myself tomorrow and see if I lost any weight. Okay - here's the deal...if I haven't lost weight - or if I've gained weight - I WILL remind myself that it was DAY ONE, and to stick with it. If I've lost weight I'll do a happy dance. (And write it down as having exercised.) ha.
I watched the whole West Virginia mine survivors thing unfold on CNN tonight. I saw when the woman ran up to that guy and told him that it was a lie and that people should know...people should know that only one miner had survived. I saw the whole town fall apart. I saw people act idiotically - people who had no connection to the miners other than that they lived in the same town talking about suing. Sick fucks. I saw people who had a personal connection to the miners walking like zombies. I felt so bad for them. I felt bad for the man that owns the mining company, too. "Welcome to the worst day of my life." he said. He had tears in his eyes when he said it, and he wasn't even minimizing the family's grief...he said that there are 13 people who are having worse days than him right then. Yeah, I felt really bad for him.
I really, really, hate watching the news, and will try to avoid it from here on out the same as I have for years and years. I didn't even watch Katrina coverage except on the web. It just makes me too fucking depressed.
Oh - one thing I WILL say about this diet is that even on day one I had a TON more energy. I am a nap person. That is what I do. I nap a lot. Today I didn't feel the need to nap - and it must be a record, but I've now been up and AWAKE for 18 hours. Wow. That's like - a first for me in a LONG time. Up, not napping, by choice. Weird.
I also had another first - setting the oven on fire while broiling steaks. Thank God Venti was right there acting all "I know what to do" about it. I had the fire extinguisher in my hand, but didn't want to ruin eight steaks by using it...and Venti saved them. My hero :)
Well, to bed I go...and I'm not actually sleepy yet. I'll just dream that we hit the lottery (and yes - we played.)
Well, Angelina Jolie has that tattoo'd on her belly. I think that's a tad MUCH, but I think it's at least something to focus on when dieting. I'm sure I can think of a lot of thinks to either agree with or bitch about in it. Give me time.
I didn't cheat on the diet today and I drank enough water. Go me. I know Venti will comment on this, but I can not wait to weigh myself tomorrow and see if I lost any weight. Okay - here's the deal...if I haven't lost weight - or if I've gained weight - I WILL remind myself that it was DAY ONE, and to stick with it. If I've lost weight I'll do a happy dance. (And write it down as having exercised.) ha.
I watched the whole West Virginia mine survivors thing unfold on CNN tonight. I saw when the woman ran up to that guy and told him that it was a lie and that people should know...people should know that only one miner had survived. I saw the whole town fall apart. I saw people act idiotically - people who had no connection to the miners other than that they lived in the same town talking about suing. Sick fucks. I saw people who had a personal connection to the miners walking like zombies. I felt so bad for them. I felt bad for the man that owns the mining company, too. "Welcome to the worst day of my life." he said. He had tears in his eyes when he said it, and he wasn't even minimizing the family's grief...he said that there are 13 people who are having worse days than him right then. Yeah, I felt really bad for him.
I really, really, hate watching the news, and will try to avoid it from here on out the same as I have for years and years. I didn't even watch Katrina coverage except on the web. It just makes me too fucking depressed.
Oh - one thing I WILL say about this diet is that even on day one I had a TON more energy. I am a nap person. That is what I do. I nap a lot. Today I didn't feel the need to nap - and it must be a record, but I've now been up and AWAKE for 18 hours. Wow. That's like - a first for me in a LONG time. Up, not napping, by choice. Weird.
I also had another first - setting the oven on fire while broiling steaks. Thank God Venti was right there acting all "I know what to do" about it. I had the fire extinguisher in my hand, but didn't want to ruin eight steaks by using it...and Venti saved them. My hero :)
Well, to bed I go...and I'm not actually sleepy yet. I'll just dream that we hit the lottery (and yes - we played.)
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
2 Hours Into an 18 Month Diet
Well, Venti and I started the Atkins diet about 2 hours ago. He doesn't realize it because he's asleep at the moment, but I noticed it because I'm thirsty and had to drink water. I'm going to have to get used to drinking plain tea again. It's not so bad, though. So, the 18 month thing...Venti thinks that in a year we'll look hot, but that in 18 months we'll be beach-ready. I never even gave beach-ready a thought, to be honest. And really - who out there on the beach really thinks that they DO look awesome? I mean, it's pretty hard to be the least attractive person on the beach... That sounded mean - I didn't mean for it to...but my point is that hell, even if we looked "AVERAGE" we'd probably still not be mentally beach-ready. Anyway...yeah, we've got a long way to go, but at least we're in it together. That helps a lot.
I'm addicted to http://answers.yahoo.com I just love the damn thing for some reason. I love answering the questions - not asking. Someday I assume they'll fix the glitch where you can get points for giving your own answer a thumbs up when it was picked by the asker as "the best answer."
I currently have 279 points (and quite a few "best answers!) Ain't it cool? :)
Wow. Holy shit. Goddamn. I am SO glad the holidays are over with. They're stressful as hell when you don't have a lot of money. I think they're stressful anyway. I think I'm going to try to collect Christmas presents all through the year and tuck them away in my closet so that there's not much left to be done next December. Shopping is stressful.
We didn't do much in the way of running around for Christmas or New Year's Eve, though. Just a small party each night - and we didn't even stay until midnight on New Year's Eve because who wants to be out on the road after midnight with all the fucktards who are drunk and driving? Not us. Anyway, I was happy with how much (or little, really) that we did. Spending Christmas day at home doing nothing was pretty cool. I DID miss my sister a bit, and my mom, too I suppose.
I made a half-hearted resolution that I was going to get out of bed by 8am and be in bed by midnight every night. As you can see it's 2 AM so I've blown that resolution out of the water. Yeah well, I can try again tomorrow night I suppose.
Well, not too much to report other than that. Oh - the cold/flu I had is pretty much gone, as it is for everyone in my family, thankfully. I hate being sick. Glad it didn't last long!
I'm addicted to http://answers.yahoo.com I just love the damn thing for some reason. I love answering the questions - not asking. Someday I assume they'll fix the glitch where you can get points for giving your own answer a thumbs up when it was picked by the asker as "the best answer."
I currently have 279 points (and quite a few "best answers!) Ain't it cool? :)
Wow. Holy shit. Goddamn. I am SO glad the holidays are over with. They're stressful as hell when you don't have a lot of money. I think they're stressful anyway. I think I'm going to try to collect Christmas presents all through the year and tuck them away in my closet so that there's not much left to be done next December. Shopping is stressful.
We didn't do much in the way of running around for Christmas or New Year's Eve, though. Just a small party each night - and we didn't even stay until midnight on New Year's Eve because who wants to be out on the road after midnight with all the fucktards who are drunk and driving? Not us. Anyway, I was happy with how much (or little, really) that we did. Spending Christmas day at home doing nothing was pretty cool. I DID miss my sister a bit, and my mom, too I suppose.
I made a half-hearted resolution that I was going to get out of bed by 8am and be in bed by midnight every night. As you can see it's 2 AM so I've blown that resolution out of the water. Yeah well, I can try again tomorrow night I suppose.
Well, not too much to report other than that. Oh - the cold/flu I had is pretty much gone, as it is for everyone in my family, thankfully. I hate being sick. Glad it didn't last long!
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