Facing a Phobia

Well, I just exercised on purpose for the first time in - I think - six years. I walked a mile to a DVD called Walk Away the Pounds. I got through the whole mile, but it was a little challenging - and I didn't panic at all during it. I am, however, quite anxious now. I have been done with the damn thing for an hour now and I guess if I was going to drop over it would have happened by now. God damn I hate phobias and fears. I KNOW my heart is fine, and I've had a ton of tests on it to prove that - even ran like a fiend in front of 3 old cardiologists about 2 years ago - or maybe it wasn't that long ago - more like a year and a half? I don't know - but I can't imagine that much has changed in the health of my heart since then - and all my doctors say to start walking - so I have. I did. I am just anxious about it.

This is part of my therapy, though. The psychologist wants me to exercise to get my heart rate elevated so that I can get used to the fact that my heart can speed up and that doesn't mean anything bad. Okay - that sounds easy enough, but then why am I so fucking anxious???

Not to sound idiotic or anything - or embarrass Venti at all, but he and I can have some pretty damn athletic sex that lasts longer than the DVD I just did - and I don't panic after that! (Usually.) So why am I anxious now? What's the difference?

Frame of mind - thoughts I'm putting to feelings I suppose.

I just hope I can keep doing this video, see that it gets easier, and see that it doesn't kill me.

Thankfully Grande Decaf did the DVD with me. I was happy he was there because even he got winded a little, and there's nobody in this house who is in better shape than him.

Okay, really need to get over the anxiety of this. It's been - like I said - more than an hour. The only thing that hurts is my calf muscles (and I LOVE that feeling.) My chest is fine. My pulse is at my normal rate again. I had no pain during the DVD - no pain afterwards - just a few skipped beats when I was checking my pulse (but I think that was from being anxious about it.)

It was kind of cool to actually break a sweat, though. I can't wait until I can do the DVD without it feeling like a total workout. I was reading on a message board that this one lady gave her SEVENTY YEAR OLD mother the 1 mile DVD because her doctor told her to walk a mile. Now...if some 70-year-old lady can do it - I can do it. I'm less than half her age. I'm perfectly healthy other than being overweight.

Damn. I fucking hate anxiety. But at least I did the DVD. I did not waste the money. I walked a mile. I walked a mile. I walked a mile!!! :) Very happy about that - even if I am scared about it. Oh, and just for reference - it took 24 minutes. 2.5 miles per hour.

Hopefully I will be able to do this DVD 3 times a week and then work up to every day. I just really, really don't want to panic like this every single goddamned time I do it. That will get old very, very fast.