A Month into Panic Disorder Treatment

I think I'm over-medicated. Sure, I'm not having panic attacks but I am also not having any other emotions either. I feel like someone poured concrete into my brain....

The thing with the Xanax XR is that when I wake up in the morning I am anxious - so I have to sit and wait for it to kick in for about a half hour and I always sit here holding my breath (underbreathing) until it eventually does start working, after it does - I'm calm once again.

But is there such a thing as too calm? Maybe it's the Xanax XR, maybe it's the Prozac, I really don't know which one of them is making me feel so stupid - but whichever one it is has to go. I honestly think it's the Prozac because for the first few weeks of taking both medicines, I wasn't having any panic attacks and I felt pretty clear headed - then the Prozac started working and now I feel anything BUT clear-headed.

It's a terrible feeling to KNOW you aren't thinking clearly. "What was that word I was looking for?..." "What were we talking about?..." "Did you tell me if you did that already?..." God, and I feel so stupid for feeling so stupid! Wow - that's quite an "issue" - don't you think? Yeah, I think the Prozac has to go. I wonder how you stop taking the stuff.

My ear is ringing really loudly. I used to get vertigo when it would be both ringing AND stuffed-up/closed feeling - so I'm petrified that I'm going to get vertigo although it is has just a very minute amount of that closed feeling. Vertigo is an absolutely horrible thing to experience :( I have to figure out where I put the medicine I take for it - meclizine - and also if I'm allowed to take it with Xanax XR and Prozac - before I actually GET vertigo.

I'm still having trouble with my eyes, but I'm not as scared about it as I was. I honest to God think it's from sitting in front of the computer for about 8 years straight that has caused me problems. We took Short Decaf to the ophphthalmologist last week for his lazy eye - so that was doubly hard for me. Worried so much about the baby, and terrified of being in that office because I don't want to think what could be wrong or what it would take to fix my eyes. God I wish it was just glasses - I hope it is.

Side note: Short Decaf refuses to wear his eye patch, rips it right off - and when we did get him to wear it for about two straight hours - we noticed a really bright red mark where the adhesive was all around his eye. The redness didn't go away for 2 days :( So, the patches aren't going to work - they have drops that blur the eye for about three weeks but I'm worried about going \to such extremes.

The kids are out of school soon - Wednesday is their last day - so three more days of school for them. I'm kind of happy that I won't be home alone all day every day for the next three months but worried that it will be alot of stress with the boys fighting or being loud and rambunctious - but I know me, I'd rather have that than be alone all day. Maybe I won't sleep in so damn late. I do that because it shortens the amount of time I actually have to be aware of how alone I am.

I have also come to the realization that I'm no longer too upset about not having any friends. God, I used to miss my family so much and wish I could move back to my hometown and just be near them because they were people who KNEW me - even though they are horrible people, or wished terribly to have a friend, just anyone to talk to - but it doesn't bother me like it had been. I think I have officially become a shut-in. Accepting that this is my fate. I'm not depressed about it - I really don't have any feelings about it either way. And this isn't just because of the Prozac, which makes me feel that way about everything - I realized I hadn't been bothered by the friend issue for several months. I keep saying "I wish I had a friend." but I don't mean it like I used to. I'm okay to be alone - just happy when the kids and Venti are home.

My Life is Strange

I had a weird dream last night, something involving Sarasota Florida and someone scheduling a flight for me and my kids to California (with the stopover in Florida) - but when we got to the airport to get on our plane, they said there was no such flight and someone had obviously screwed us over. The person who'd set up the trip for us was my ex husband. But why Sarasota? I don't believe I've even heard that word in possibly years!? Anyway...

Tall and Grande Decaf were picked up by their grandparents on Friday night, their 'father' was supposed to pick them up but just couldn't pull it off, again. So Venti, Short, and I went to visit my family in Eastern Maryland - we thought it would just be a few select family members we don't hate, but as we got near the closest big town to the house, I called my mom and she said my sister - who hated me so much last week that she yelled at me on the phone (so loud people could hear it across the room!) then hung up on me - was there. Nice. No turning around and going back home - we'd already been on the road for like 2 1/2 hours. So, we get there - and my sister puts her happy as a clam face on and I swear to God that girl must be schizo.

The entire day and a half that we were there sucked. Nobody really talked TO each other, they just talked. Nobody listened to what anyone said, it was like a "who's got the biggest dick" contest. Sorry - pissing contest. Whatever. Venti and I stayed out of the way as much as possible and left promptly after lunch on Memorial Day Monday. Man - my mom fucking refuses to turn the a/c on - so we were roasting fucking hot the entire time.

My neice stayed totally drunk the entire time, a nice mix with the antidepressant she's on, as well as a nice mix with her 4 year old and 5 month old. She is a loud and obnoxious drunk person.

Then there's the fact that all female members of my family were wearing tank tops or other shirts that were so low cut that it was grossing me out. I mean, hey - if you've got nice boobs and you want everyone to see them, fine - but if you've got grim saggy boobs - get a wonder bra and lose 75 pounds and jacks-a-donut - you will offend nobody. Gross.

I swear I don't know how it is that I share genes with these people. I don't recognize myself in any of them - not one part of me. Thank God Venti doesn't see it either...hopefully I was adopted.

One fucked up thing though - my oldest sister was talking about her first and only panic attack, which she had several months ago from taking black cohash for her menopause symptoms ... now suddenly everyone respects the fact that panic attacks are a real thing. Shit. I go for 12 years and everyone thinks I'm nuts or not trying hard enough and then my sister and her daughter experience panic attacks and suddenly it's all just fiiiiine. Do you know how fucked up those people made me feel for TWELVE GODDAMNED YEARS?!?!!! And it's not like I can get that time back!

Okay, so anyway - on to other topics...better topics.

My panic attacks have been awesome lately - I am so pleased. In the beginning of getting treatment for them I told Venti that my only hope was that I'd feel numb, well - I don't feel numb, I'm just not panicking. It's very cool. :) I am having a little trouble staying focused when four people are talking at the same time and I'm supposed to be following every part of each conversation, and my sleep is a little screwy, but other than that I think I'm doing pretty well.

Today's a nice day - we bought Grande a new bike - his 'father' - the failure - got him a terrible POS bike from walmart and in a few minutes, Venti will be bringing home the surprise bike for Grande. I'm so excited - Grande doesn't know it's coming, and thinks it will be months before he sees a new bike because that's the way his "father" has always done things.

Like over this past Memorial Day Weekend - he said he was going to take them to Hershey Park, nice place for teenagers - amusement park, lots of fun, right? Did he? No -- he took them to a coal mine that they've been to ten other times and put them on the $2 a ticket train ride through a coal mine. Ooooh. Fun. What Dad, no t-shirt? That guy is a major asshole letting his kids down like that.

I do have all the paperwork ready to be put together to send in for child support re-upping. He'll pay much more now that both kids live with me - now he won't get to go on cruises or two week vacations to Florida as often but his kids will get clothing more often, so that'll be nice. God I hate him.

This is me blathering on and on endlessly out of sheer boredom, so I'll go...