The thing with the Xanax XR is that when I wake up in the morning I am anxious - so I have to sit and wait for it to kick in for about a half hour and I always sit here holding my breath (underbreathing) until it eventually does start working, after it does - I'm calm once again.
But is there such a thing as too calm? Maybe it's the Xanax XR, maybe it's the Prozac, I really don't know which one of them is making me feel so stupid - but whichever one it is has to go. I honestly think it's the Prozac because for the first few weeks of taking both medicines, I wasn't having any panic attacks and I felt pretty clear headed - then the Prozac started working and now I feel anything BUT clear-headed.
It's a terrible feeling to KNOW you aren't thinking clearly. "What was that word I was looking for?..." "What were we talking about?..." "Did you tell me if you did that already?..." God, and I feel so stupid for feeling so stupid! Wow - that's quite an "issue" - don't you think? Yeah, I think the Prozac has to go. I wonder how you stop taking the stuff.
My ear is ringing really loudly. I used to get vertigo when it would be both ringing AND stuffed-up/closed feeling - so I'm petrified that I'm going to get vertigo although it is has just a very minute amount of that closed feeling. Vertigo is an absolutely horrible thing to experience :( I have to figure out where I put the medicine I take for it - meclizine - and also if I'm allowed to take it with Xanax XR and Prozac - before I actually GET vertigo.
I'm still having trouble with my eyes, but I'm not as scared about it as I was. I honest to God think it's from sitting in front of the computer for about 8 years straight that has caused me problems. We took Short Decaf to the ophphthalmologist last week for his lazy eye - so that was doubly hard for me. Worried so much about the baby, and terrified of being in that office because I don't want to think what could be wrong or what it would take to fix my eyes. God I wish it was just glasses - I hope it is.
Side note: Short Decaf refuses to wear his eye patch, rips it right off - and when we did get him to wear it for about two straight hours - we noticed a really bright red mark where the adhesive was all around his eye. The redness didn't go away for 2 days :( So, the patches aren't going to work - they have drops that blur the eye for about three weeks but I'm worried about going \to such extremes.
The kids are out of school soon - Wednesday is their last day - so three more days of school for them. I'm kind of happy that I won't be home alone all day every day for the next three months but worried that it will be alot of stress with the boys fighting or being loud and rambunctious - but I know me, I'd rather have that than be alone all day. Maybe I won't sleep in so damn late. I do that because it shortens the amount of time I actually have to be aware of how alone I am.
I have also come to the realization that I'm no longer too upset about not having any friends. God, I used to miss my family so much and wish I could move back to my hometown and just be near them because they were people who KNEW me - even though they are horrible people, or wished terribly to have a friend, just anyone to talk to - but it doesn't bother me like it had been. I think I have officially become a shut-in. Accepting that this is my fate. I'm not depressed about it - I really don't have any feelings about it either way. And this isn't just because of the Prozac, which makes me feel that way about everything - I realized I hadn't been bothered by the friend issue for several months. I keep saying "I wish I had a friend." but I don't mean it like I used to. I'm okay to be alone - just happy when the kids and Venti are home.
No comments:
Post a Comment