So far so good with the anxiety - I had one surge of anxiety on Saturday but it passed very quickly, within seconds, and today I even was able to go for a drive and go into a grocery store with Venti, no problems. There's hope in that. I was feeling a little depressed, though, about going into the grocery store because it's brand new. It just opened down the street from me and I hadn't gone in yet, and it's been open for about 2 weeks now I guess. It's so nice, really great - but I felt depressed because we are so broke right now we couldn't afford to actually buy anything except a box of cereal and some soy milk for Short Decaf.
I really can't wait until there's more order in our lives - not just financially, but all around. I have really high hopes for being able to overcome my panic disorder and agoraphobia (official diagnosis) and get out and get a job again. I know it would help so much but just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. Plus, I'd miss Short Decaf so much. I really do know that he needs to be in pre-school so he's ready for kindergarten; socially, emotionally and mentally. I've certainly proven that I'm not a great teacher (as is reflected in my older boys grades and overall feelings about school) but I hope for Short Decaf to follow in my footsteps and WANT to learn, love to read, love to learn everything about everything, get excited about doing his homework and WANTING to get good grades. That was me, that is not my sons. It's not even like his dad. God, I just want such great things for him.
Not that good grades and an interest in learning got me very far in life, but it could have if I hadn't hit as many roadblocks. Or been tied to a concrete-block of a man for fifteen years, from 15 to 30. God, what a sickening waste of time.
Still working on these pancakes for Grande's birthday breakfast - it's nearly 3am and my eyes burn, I hope the smell of them doesn't wake anyone up - I want it to be a surprise for Grande. Pancakes and spaghetti - his favorite foods. :) Unfortunately, I've made enough for the entire neighborhood so it's taking a little longer than I'd expected. But, I'm down to about two more batches so that's good.
You know it's weird with the Xanax XR, which I'll call XXR from now on, it really does actually seem to work, and I was so scared about having breakthrough anxiety while I was taking it - I swore I'd have to take regular xanax at some point during the day but I haven't. Also, starting up the Prozac at such a low dose, i haven't even noticed I've got it in my system and it's been 3 days now. I'm all for that.
Well, I hope there's as positive a post about my panic in the next week or two - it's supposed to take 4 weeks for the Prozac to really do anything, so I hope so much that things don't get bad again. I expect a certain amount of anxiety for the rest of my life, but if I could just not have a panic attack for a few months - man, that would just be awesome.
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