...I know very few people in the world would ever understand what it's like to have a panic attack just sitting out on their deck catching a few rays...but that's the life of someone with agoraphobia. And because everybody who has agoraphobia has it in different ways, it's so hard to lump us all together and yet we all share so many things in common. Sitting on a deck sunbathing may be anxiety producing for one person, yet another could sit by a community pool and be okay. If my husband, Venti, had been sitting with me on the deck I wouldn't have panicked...isn't it strange how it all works?
Dr. Decaf put my XXR up to 2mg twice a day because I had so many breakthrough panic attacks in the last two weeks since he decreased my dose of the XXR - I still haven't increased my Prozac dose either, still two more weeks at the 10mg which I kind of feel stupid about - but I guess it's a process, it takes time, and if I'm not ready - it's not my fault. I just feel like it is. Ugh.
I feel like I'm making tiny bits of progress, even though I had a small panic attack today - being agoraphobic sometimes means being afraid to leave the house at all without your safe person, and even the deck is "leaving the house" - so I think that's a teeny tiny step of improvement. Good for me. I've done that twice now, and today when I came in the house I did some simple exercises for ten minutes - after which the panic attack started. I am so phobic of exercising it's not even funny. It all goes back to my heart phobia, of course.
My eyes are still acting weird. Therapist Decaf told me she thought I should get my thyroid checked out because she has something called Graves Disease, it can't kill you, just make your life miserable. Anyway, she said my left eye was kind of like, sticking out - like hers was, hers really is but I didn't notice that mine was - but sometimes when I look at it I wonder if she's right. She thinks I should see an endocrinologist to get it checked out and even gave me the phone number of hers. I don't want to have thyroid disease AND panic disorder. The therapist still takes Klonopin for her panic attacks, but at least she has a life. So, treating the thyroid disease doesn't stop the panic attacks, then what's the point of treating it? Anyway, my point is, I wonder if that has something to do with the way my eyes are acting. It's like one registers information a split second faster than the other. I haven't looked into it at all on the web because I'm terrified of it, really terrified. And in about 2 weeks we're taking Short Decaf to an opthamologist for his lazy eye - so I know I'm going to see a thousand diagrams of eyes and it's going to make me panic really bad. I went through the lazy eye thing with my first son, Grande Decaf, when he was Short's age, it wasn't too hideous, I guess. I just wish I had the nerve to make an appointment to see the same doctor at the same time as Short Decaf and ask him what the fuck is going on with my eyes?? I am terrified it means I have a brain tumor or something that's going to kill me, I don't have headaches or anything - just the weird visual stuff. Like my eyes are stoned. It's hard to describe, but it makes my life a living hell just about every second of every single day.
So anyway, the panic attack has gone now - thank God.
I've noticed that I don't have NEARLY the urge to get on the computer and post to message boards and answer emails that I did four weeks ago, I think that the Prozac is really helping me out with that. Now I don't want to be online, but there's nothing else to do except face life or sleep. I am trying to face life, in small doses but it is so very hard.
But today, I am proud to say that I DID get a tiny bit of sunburn...for me, this is an enormous accomplishment.
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