Blind Wino - Do Ye Breathe Fire or No?

Blind Wino Predictions for 2005

Blind Wino - Do Ye Breathe Fire or No?

* Abstinence-only education to replace biology, chemistry, and physics in all public schools.

* Bush administration takes Social Security to Las Vegas, puts it all on black. Morality Czar William Bennett drunkenly calls American people at three in the morning and apologizes for losing the country. Is then awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

* As this is a Christian nation built on the rule of God, Ten Commandments posted in every bathroom stall nationwide, along with a sweaty picture of Jerry Falwell and a 1-800 number advertising "hot Christian love."

* Media finally gives up illusion of objectivity and saves money by constructing anchor-robots to read press releases from White House.

* Due to declining dollar and skyrocketing national debt, Lincoln Memorial put up for sale and is purchased by an old Hungarian widow for fifty Forints. It becomes a pretty good goulash stand.

* McDonalds goes all the way and launches "I'm a fat, selfish dick and I'll shoot you in the face if you touch my hamburger" ad campaign. Sales, obesity, and gunshot wounds enjoy gains throughout each fiscal quarter.

* Outraged citizens push FCC to ban Monday Night Football from using the terms, "endzone," "tight end," and "ball." And because it promotes the homosexual agenda, quarterback no longer able to put hands between legs of center. Football now passed face to face with a manly handshake.

* Combined forces of US and Iraqi armies finally defeat the Iraqi insurgency. A new, democratic Iraq emerges and becomes a beacon of freedom in Middle East, ushering in a Golden Era of Democracy that spreads to all nations in the region. Tooth Fairy elected president of Iran, Easter Bunny to head Syrian parliament.

* Bush forgets to turn off microphone and is caught referring to Kim Jong Il as that "fat little gook," resulting in North Korea nuking Boston, New York, Seattle, and San Francisco. Republican attack machine blames Kerry's war record and gay marriage, but is obviously pleased to be rid of Democratic strongholds. Kim Jong Il awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom. Random Asian assigned to head Department of National Intelligence.

* Running on the issue of "values," Adolph Hitler's corpse elected Governor of Oklahoma.

* Ford launches the Remasculator SUV truck series, based on the 100,000,000-ton supertractor that pulls the space shuttle to its launching pad. Takes up entire parking lots and gets one mile to the gallon. #1 seller among suburban women because it "feels safe." Recalled in 2006 for exploding back seats, breakaway steering wheels, and chlorine gas leaks.

* Bill O'Reilly shows cock and balls to national audience. Is subsequently awarded a Peabody and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.