What Do you Have to Do???

I mean, I PICKED lottery numbers. I got ONE. One out of six. How dumb is that? They say you're something like twice as likely to be killed in an automobile accident on your way to BUY the ticket than you are to win the jackpot. Damn odds. The California lottery - however - is supposed to be worse. You're more likely to be hit by lightening TWICE than to win that. Glad I don't live there.

Shit. I really needed that money, too. Quitting - no RESIGNING - your job really sucks because then you're not making money. You've been warned.

I've been wondering if I'll get reimbursed for the PTO I didn't take. I had 20 days, and I used 3. Wouldn't THAT be nice! Well, I suppose we'll see at the end of the month. They say the odds of getting reimbursed for your PTO are similar to those of winning the California lottery.

I have a movie line stuck in my head. It's from Shrek 2. I can't stop saying it at any opportune (or inopportune) time. "Look out Shrek! He's got a piece!" hehe Donkey (Eddie Murphy) cracks me the hell up. (omg. I'm lame.)

So. The kids have school supplies, nice new clothing, and the ever-important new sneakers. Being the dumbass that I am, I just realized that I didn't make sure they both had non-marking soles. $120 out the window? We'll see. And what in the HELL is the first day of school doing in August? August 29th? That's messed up.

We're watching Venti's friend's cats. Yes, that's plural. We have a cat of our own who is very shy and somewhat dopic. We love our cat. He does not appreciate the two new cats that will be with us for another week. He got into a fight with the female cat - thank God she's declawed. Our cat is already down to only one eye - (been that way since a kitten) - so man, if she would have punched him in his eye he'd be screwed. I will say that I can now definitively say that my cat DOES, in fact, know how to hiss. He has become "okay" with the other male cat. This other male cat is so mellow it wouldn't be phased if it's tail was on fire. He's cool.

So Venti has off of work all week. Not sure what we're going to do. Oh, wait - I know. Nothing.

Well, we'll probably start packing for our move. By that I mean throw stuff away. Lots of stuff. Moving is expensive so you have to say to yourself (1) is this replaceable? and (2) would it be cheaper to replace it than move it? Most of our stuff falls into the latter category. All of our belongings are basically junk since we never thought we'd be staying here this long. We had a five-year plan, by which I mean "A plan to get the hell out of here that shall not exceed 2 years god damnit!!!" It's been three. We're getting itchy. Oh, there's just something about the weather (100º with "Heat Index Warnings" due to intense humidity every fucking day), the people (95% of which are major fucktards who would rather slit your throat than see you get to the barista in Starbuck's ahead of them), and then there are the people (99.5% of which are major dickheads - men and women alike - who would prefer to keep that stick rammed up their ass rather than look at you and say an actual Hi!)

God, the people here suck. Please - if you're reading this and thinking of moving to northern Virginia or anywhere within a 30-mile radius of Washington D.C. - just let me give you a few facts to help you come to your senses.

1. Nobody here will like you. You will not know your neighbor's names no matter how many times you try to say hello.
2. You will be overworked and underpaid.
3. You WILL sit in traffic for most of your waking life. Your commute will be a fucking nightmare because nobody - I repeat - NOBODY here knows how to drive. (Except me and Venti.)
4. You will be one of the first people in the country to see $3 for gas.
5. You will not be able to buy groceries on your cutesy old little grocery budget. Don't believe me? Go to Giant and enter zip code 20166 and compare your weekly circular to the one on that site. Yeah. Hamburger is ON SALE for almost $4 a pound. It is cheaper to eat out.
6. Eating out won't be a problem. You'll do it alot. The food will suck, the staff will hate you, and your order will never be right. They will all treat you like shit. Every time you order food for delivery it will be wrong. They will forget something and it will taste grim.
7. People are REALLY stupid. Everybody from IT directors to convenience store workers. Most likely your IT director won't know what http means. Your 7-11 cashier might know what http stands for, but will not be able to make change for your gatorade. And they won't speak English.
   
8. There are more people here that do not speak English than do. The people who do speak English, but very poorly, have been lumped into the "don't speak English" category. This leaves approximately 30% of the population who you will be able to communicate with. (Don't get me wrong, I am in awe of people who can learn a second language. Go them! I just hate not being able to ask anyone anything.)
9. When you go through a drive-thru anywhere you will be at least the 12th car.
10. Your boss will hate you. I'm not being funny. They will hate you.
11. Brand names are big. Your kids must be labeled or they won't fit in. Old Navy isn't good enough. If you put all Old Navy on your kid their "well, we used to be friends, but...." will think that one of their parents recently lost your security clearance and the other had a nervous breakdown. (Happens all the time.) If you have a small child under the age of five they must be wearing Gap, Land's End, LL Bean, Gymboree, or preferably boutique brands.
    
12. You may never shop at WalMart again. You will be totally looked down upon. You will be disgusted with the store (if you already weren't). You will walk 3/4 of a mile to get to your car. You will stand in line for (I shit you not) 45 minutes to check out. I haven't been to WalMart in a year and feel much better about myself as a person. Nobody will be able to help you because even if English is their fist language they'll pretend they don't see you. If they decide to speak to you it will be by yelling. (on your part and theirs) You will realize that Target is the only place to go for that crap you don't need anyway.
    
13. When you go to the post office - the very fucking small post offices because nobody fucking planned on how big and fast everything would develop here - some fucking bitch in a maroon SUV with "I'm a Christian, you suck", "My kids are honor students of God", and "Vote 4 Bush" stickers on it WILL bang their fucking cheap-ass SUV doors into your $40,000 limited edition vehicle (and I don't mean a gold Camry LE - I mean a Passat W8) and when you say "Hey, you dented my car!" the bitch will say "Uhm, yeah. Like, I don't think so." and walk away while you scrape Maroon paint off of your car with your fingernail. You will want to harm them - but won't, because their children are with them wondering why their mommy has a stick in her ass and was just so mean to "that lady." This is just a "for instance" - not like it ever happened to me. (That fucking BITCH.)
14. You WILL definitely need to secure your wireless internet connection. Not that you shouldn't always, but there will be someone using it if it's an open connection.
15. You WILL need to come up with a really clever personalized license plate. You will spend hours trying to figure out what everyone else's mean. They're free in VA, and yes, I have one.
16. You will pay $400,000 for a (VERY poorly built!!) 3 bedroom townhouse in a neighborhood that's going to shit. The one on the corner down from me just did. Three years ago it was $200,000. (Don't think this is a good thing - the market just died.) You will also have NO parking because your neighbors have 4 kids and the family owns 7 (I shit you not) cars.
    
17. Nobody stays here for very many years except people who like being major assholes. Please don't be alarmed at how often people around you will move in and move out. Many people realize what a mistake they've made, cut ties, then run like hell. (Decaf raises hand.)
18. Nobody will have a ladder. Don't even bother asking around.
19. Xanax, Klonopin, and other anti-anxiety medications will almost always be out of stock at all nine drugstores in your area. I'm not joking. Everyone here is maxed out and ready to explode with stress.
20. If you have a medical emergency be prepared to wait five weeks to be seen by a doctor. (I'm not kidding in the least.)
21. Nowhere in the country - NOWHERE - will you find meaner, nastier, more thoughtless doctors, nurses, or front-desk medical receptionists. The chiropractors are even mean. It's like a Jiffy-Lube for people. They don't give a shit WHY you feel the way you do and will have no problem signing for their lunch order before attending to you (while you stand there with a kid with a broken arm. I shit you not.)
    
22. If you're not an aggressive driver don't move here. You will be in an accident. I'm not joking. People will hit you just to make a point. The point is (1) They're fucking stupid. and (2) They're fucking mean.
23. You will try to save money by stopping at a yard sale. You will be looking at a used shirt with a price tag on it of $10. Nothing costs $1 - let alone a quarter - here.
24. Those cute little farm stands? The ones with the fresh produce? Yeah - they're mean, too.
25. If you have a slight weight problem people will laugh at you. If you are overweight, or God forbid, extremely overweight you WILL be outright looked at in disdain as if you are polluting the landscape with your very presence. There are more exercise-obsessed, diet-obsessed, I have to be a size 3!! women here than anywhere I've ever seen. And they're MEAN. (This goes for caucasion house-wive's mostly. This does not go for black woman who are 1000% times nicer than any white woman around here (except me). Why couldn't I have been a black woman? Life sucks.)
    
26. VT means Virginia Tech. Love it or leave. I choose to leave. Fuck Virginia Tech!! All the way man!!!! You WILL see more VT flags on cars, trucks, as curtains, bumper stickers, mugs, shirts, etc., than you would see Nascar flags in West Virginia. These people suffer major cock-pride over their VT shit. It's sickening.
    
27. Your doorbell will ring with people asking about your neighbors as they try to get their security clearance. You won't know your neighbors well enough to answer. By the time you think of something good to say your neighbor will have moved away, so don't bother.
28. There is no good coffee. They even fuck it up at Starbucks. Venti went into a coffee/pie shop (very cutesy) and asked for a latte. The dimwit short-bus girl behind the counter blinked at him. She'd never heard of a latte. WTF? The best coffee I've had has been at home. Okay, there are coffee shops that probably don't have terrible coffee, but the people there will suck and the lines are ridiculously long. If you order a Doppio (2 shots espresso, 1 shot hot water) they will say DOPE-EO instead of Dop-e-o. It's just bad coffee juju here.
29. You will get your neighbor's mail. Your neighbors will get yours. You will give your neighbors theirs, but don't think for a second they'll give you yours.
    
30. I think I could go on endlessly, but it's Sunday and I have to go for a drive and get some shitty coffee.