What constitutes war with oneself? Routines that are harmful but you keep doing them because you're afraid to do anything else? Being comfortable in your fearful existence because it's the only one you've known for many years? Wanting to change your life for the better but having your fears hold you back? Emotional conflicts that should have been resolved years ago, but you just can't seem to let go of them?
I wish I knew what the answer is. Today I did something - I took a step in the right direction, I called and made an appointment with my family doctor to get on an antidepressant. I said to Venti that I don't care if it makes me numb, I want to be numb, I just want anything other than what I've got now. He called me just as he was leaving from work and I was trying to just simply have a conversation with him and I started to get all choked up and cry. It's not healthy, it's not right, and I need help. So, I asked for some today, and I pray that she'll be able to help me. I will go and see her next Wednesday afternoon. But I didn't stop there, I called and tried to make an appointment with a psychologist - well, actually it's one giant practice full of psychiatrists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc., so it's like a one stop mental health shop. I only got the voice mail of the person who does the scheduling but I did leave my number - home and cell! - and I can only hope that she doesn't call me back first thing in the morning tomorrow because I'm a late sleeper. I thought about staying up all night just so I wouldn't miss the call - it's that important to me.
I am taking steps. I am doing it. I will make it through this.
Venti didn't get that job that we hoped he would get, that we were so sure he would get. And now his friend, who is involved with this job process, is avoiding him and it makes me angry. I have this newfound issue of being unable to express anger without it turning into a major panic attack.
Oh my God, I think the xanax I took is working - that's new!
You know what I want to say to my doctor next week? I just want to beg her to give me whatever she can to give me ONE day of knowing what it feels like to be relaxed, just ONE days worth of muscle relaxers, one days worth of anti-anxiety medication that will work. I want to be awake, I don't want to be asleep for this relaxed day - I just want to know what it feels like. My chest muscles are in a constant state of contraction - they are giant knots - those muscles on your chest but right below your shoulders, you know. My neck muscles and shoulder muscles were cramping up today as well. I wonder what it would take to just convince her that all i want is the hope that I'd gain in knowing that my body DOES know how to relax.
Venti describes a heavily sleeping cat on a pile of blankets like this, he says it looks like someone poured them there. I want to feel that way - but I don't want to be asleep when it happens! I want to laugh and play with the kids and take a walk and hell, RUN if I want to.
You know, that's been a dream of mine for years - to run. I loved to run - not miles or anything, but when I was younger I did, I just loved to sprint like the devil was chasing me! (I shouldn't have stopped running!)
I think I'll go and lay down for a little while, I am grateful, truly grateful that this particular xanax has decided to actually work. I don't know why it has, but I am so relieved to not feel that roiling around in my belly, coursing through my veins and spewing into my aura. The medicine lasts for four hours and I took it an hour ago so I probably have one hour of feeling barely-relaxed before the anxiety comes back.
Back with an update later...
Decaf
No comments:
Post a Comment