Scared About Seeing My Doctor

I had a friend who was pregnant and panicking and I saw her through her whole pregnancy, we were due at the same time and she had her baby about two weeks early, her name was Penny. We were very good friends. She took Xanax during her pregnancy, too – and Remeron and I think Zoloft or something like that –

anyway, after her son was born she started getting these really bad headaches, she’d had migraines for years and years and never had them checked out. So she would tell me that she was getting a migraine and she’d be sitting there and be looking at her husband across the room and couldn’t see him because her eyes got this bright shining light in them. Well, she finally went and got the migraines checked out and they did an MRI and it showed that she had 2 aneurysms in her brain, the doctor said she probably had them since she was born – and they decided to operate on them, it was two operations – and now this is one of my biggest panic triggers of all time, and so it was hard talking her through these operations and everything…her first operation was a success but the second one caused her to have a stroke and die. She emailed me on the day she left for the hospital and I didn’t get to respond right away, and so I didn’t hear from her for a long time and then someone wrote to me to tell me that she hadn’t made it through the operation. I was a mess and I’ve tried to block it out for so long, but now with my eyes being weird I just can’t block it out anymore and I’m so damn scared.

I put my glasses on tonight and I could see the words on the screen more clearly - but I am still scared because of seeing a shadow when someone walks by or when something moves - it's not a halo, but more like a slow-motion picture - almost as if my eyes are stoned.

I am so fucking scared that I have something wrong with my brain, I can't even begin to tell you the panic and fear and torture that this has been putting me through for several weeks now. I am so, so very scared.

I had an MRI of my brain a little over two years ago and it came back perfectly normal. I was having vertigo (caused from my ear it turns out) and so that was totally reassuring, but now I think - it's been two years, what could have happened in that time?

The first time I noticed the shadow ... hell, I don't even remember, maybe about six months ago or so? I know it was after we moved to Virginia and I know it was after my son was born, and also after I had such a huge increase in my dose of xanax. It's not getting worse, I'm just more worried about it now because I'm focusing on it...or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I hope and pray that it's happening because my xanax dose is too high. It doesn't happen all the time and it seems like if I am LOOKING for it to happen, it does. Penny never had an option - if she had a migraine she'd see the lights - halo's or whatever - really brightly - one time she couldn't see her husband across the room AT ALL. God I'm fucking scared. My appointment with my family doctor is in less than 12 hours and I shoudl be sleeping right now but I'm a nervous fucking wreck.

I'm GOING to have to mention this to her and I am so scared of what she's going to say. I'm so afraid of her saying I need to see a neurologist and then going to a ton of appointments and going through that torture of waiting for the appointments, waiting for tests, waiting for results, it's so fucking scary and all I want to do is just go to bed and hide and cry - but I lay there and panic, that's all I can do. I have to take xanax just so I can sleep.

Please God I am begging you to not let me have anything wrong with my brain or my eyes, please let it just be because of the xanax or something simple - I am so scared. :( So very scared.

I spend every second of my life in total, utter fear. It's horrible. I hope beyond hope that my doctor can help me. I don't want to die. I really don't.