How Do I Start New Life Without Leaving Home?

I've been taking a new medicine for my panic attacks for the past two weeks and it's supposed to be working by now, however, I've had some of the worst panic imagineable these past few days. I found out that my sister, for sure, slept with my husband of fifteen years just after we'd broken up...

I had to see him, in her house, and he brought his new girlfriend in the house too. Now, my entire family was there for Easter dinner and my other sister, the oldest one, came out of the dining room and hugged the evil ex and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn't believe it was happening even as I watched it. Then my sister, the one he slept with (makes me nauseous just to type it) started acting all flighty around him, actually offered him and his girlfriend to come in and sit down and eat - when he said no, she tried several times to push dessert on him. And I was STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!

I had called him on his cellphone and was very clear about how he should drop the kids off - we were way out in the boondocks of the country on a farmette - so I said that he should stop at my car, have the kids unload their things, and then drop them off at the house. I was very clear about the dropping them off part - so Venti decaf, my husband, goes out to the car to make sure there's room for the kids' things in the trunk. Ex shows up, the kids are walking up to the house with Venti and I was relieved, thinking my ex had left- but then Venti walks in and says "Just to warn you, he said he was turning his car around and stopping so he could come in for a few minutes."

My chest started burning and I started hyperventilated and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I only remember feeling that sensation one other time in my life and that was something like 15 years ago when I was in tenth grade. I'd been sitting in a bathroom stall smoking a cigarette and my boyfriends ex-girlfriend walks in with her best friend and goes up to the mirror right outside the bathroom door I was in and started talking really ugly about me, saying I was a slut, and how "Bob" was seeing her and me at the same time and wasn't I just the stupid one not even knowing it, and terrible things like that...I threw open the bathroom door and I remember shaking and my chest burning like that then. I looked at her, and if looks could kill she'd have been vaporized!

But to feel that when you're 14 and to feel it when you're 32 is completely different. It's scary as hell and makes you scared that you're going to have a heart attack.

And it happened again to me tonight - but this time it was 15 year old son locking himself into his bedroom - which is an absolutely non-negotiable rule in our house - you can lock your door but if I knock and want in, you better damn well fucking open it. I'd made him dinner and it was time to watch a movie, but he'd gone up to his room pissed off about something not working right on the computer - (but more likely pissed because I hadn't made dinner on schedule) - Venti tried to get him to come down by pounding on his door - then I went up and started yelling at him through the door. He refused to open it and I could hear him in there. I got angrier as the seconds passed.

So I kicked the door - and as I did that I felt that rush of heat/pressure in my chest and it scared me so bad that I was shaking and could barely get the words out to tell him how pissed off I was. It didn't hurt - thank God, or I would have been terrified, and I had no other symptoms of a heart attack, but man World, I am SCARED!!!

I eventually took a screwdriver to his doorknob and removed it and the latch - he's lucky he got to keep the damn door. He never did come down from his room so he can just stay up there for the next few days, at least three, with the door closed sans doorknob.

Where the hell did I go wrong with him!?!

So what I want to know is how do you start a new life, how do you change things so that you don't let stress affect you like that? How do you just call it quits? I took several xanax tonight but it didn't help, it was like taking a tic-tac. And it's ONLY MONDAY!! I have already been puked on twice by Short Decaf, spent the entire day as a prisoner in my own home, no car, no friends, no life, just diapers and vomit and snotty teenage boys, a tired husband and I AM WORN OUT AND FRAZZLED AND SCARED ABOUT MY HEART.

I'm going to see if my doctor will see me tomorrow. The buspar is NOT working at all - in fact, I've developed a tick in my cheek ever since taking it. The website says it should work in two weeks, it hasn't. I want off of it. I need something stronger, more serious, and I need my goddamned xanax to work like it's supposed to! I can NOT keep having so much anxiety!!!

I was talking to my niece who also has panic attacks, as does her husband, and they both switched to Lexapro and both love it - she seems like her old self, it's amazing - her husband seems very mellow - plus, you can drink alcohol while you take that - which you can't when you take buspar or xanax. I HATE taking xanax, but it helps a little sometimes - and sometimes it works great. I am so confused, I just don't know what to do - and God, you know - I gave up caffeine 8 months ago, I haven't slipped once, and I still have serious panic attacks! I tried to cut back on cigarette smoking but that's not going too well, it actually calms me down when I am anxious and quitting makes me anxious so - God what a catch-22.

Oh, that's nice, i just pulled a tarot card after begging the deck to give me some answers...it's the fucking four of swords, dead person laying there with three swords above their head and one below...let's just go figure out what THAT means...

Oh, good...yes, it's exactly the guidance I asked for...

REST, CONTEMPLATION, QUIET PREPARATION

When you are in harmony with yourself, you experience harmony in your environment. Okay, HOW??????????????

Anyway, I've been trying to finish this post forever and I keep getting interrupted so I guess I'll work on it later....

The Swords cards all stand for trials of some kind, but the Four suggests feelings of peace and stillness. Why is this card different? Because it represents the challenge to be quiet! Sometimes resting and doing nothing is the ultimate challenge. Activity can be a habit that is very difficult to break. There is always so much to do, and modern society beguiles us with its attractions and distractions. The result is we forget to stop and be still.

In readings, the Four of Swords is often a sign that you need to slow down and get some rest. If you are recovering from an illness, allow yourself quiet time to heal. Even if you feel completely healthy, you are risking getting sick if you don't take a break.

The Four of Swords also represents taking the time to think things over without hurry. It is important to step back and gain perspective. This is especially true when you are facing an ordeal or big event. You need quiet preparation time to gather your strength and center your energy. Picture an Olympic diver on the high board. She doesn't climb the ladder and then dash out. She stops, motionless as she readies herself for the burst of activity to come. This is the only way to bring the best to our endeavors.

Sometimes the Four of Swords implies that you are or could be shifting focus from the external to the internal. When we are silent, we can more easily go within. The knight in the picture appears to be praying or meditating deeply. Actually, he appears to be dead! For those who are addicted to activity, rest and quiet can seem like death, but that is certainly not the case. Stillness holds its own rewards, but they must be recognized and sought.

Card Two

Ten of Cups

JOY PEACE FAMILY

On the Ten of Cups we see a loving couple with their carefree children. The family home is in the background, surrounded by trees and water. A rainbow of cups is overhead blessing the scene. A cynic might scoff at this romantic picture, but I see it as a symbol of what our emotional life could be at its best. The feelings represented here are an ideal that is within the reach of each of us.

First, there is joy. Joy goes beyond happiness, contentment, enjoyment. It is the feeling that comes when we know at the deepest level that we are one with all that is, and it is good. Unfortunately, this is not exactly a common feeling! Too often we are blinded by the trials of life and overwhelmed by their challenges. Joy exists, though, and is our birthright.

Peace is another aspect of the Ten of Cups - the serenity that comes when all elements are in harmony. There is inner peace and outer peace which are reflections of each other. When you are in harmony with yourself, you experience harmony in your environment. When you see the Ten of Cups, know that an end to hostility is possible. If there is fighting around you, it may cease. If you are at war with yourself, you may find peace.

In readings, this card often signals a time of abundant blessings. It tells you that you can reach for the fulfillment you deserve, and it will come to you. Look for ways to realize joy and create peace. You may find the key to happiness in your family. Your family is the group of people you are attached to emotionally - for better or worse! If there is trouble in your family right now, work to restore harmony. The time is right for greater closeness.