I told her everything, the panic, the eyes, the other things I can't mention here - and shit, when I first got in the room the nurse took my blood pressure and it was 150/90 - so the doctor took it a bit later and said it was 120/82 which she said was just about perfect, thank God. She was SO reassuring. So, so reassuring. I don't know how the woman does it, but she made me feel hope again. Everytime I see her - she does it.
I have to tell you this - the first thing she did when she walked in the room was look at my forearms and hands and say "First...what's going on here???" I said "I used that spray on tanning lotion and it - uh, streaked." She looked really relieved and then Venti made some joke about me eating too many carrots or something. It was hilarious, the look on her face, really. (God I hate being pale from winter, I really thought the spray on tanning stuff was a good idea, I swear!! LOL)
She did increase my Buspar to 10mg twice a day instead of 5mg twice a day, but I expected that, but also wants me to take Toprol XL which is a beta-blocker (used for anxiety as well as other things - as it slows down your heart rate, makes heart palpitations stop happening, and also helps block panic) - Now, I'm okay with all of that except for the Toprol, that makes me a little nervous. She said it would be okay though, so I'm going to trust her - she said it was a very tiny dose. Okay, tiny dose, I can do that. She didn't want to make a decision on an antidepressant for my panic attacks because I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week for that. I hope, so very hard, that he'll be a nice guy.
So, about my eyes - she isn't concerned, she believes it's from my optical something or other becoming so relaxed because I take a higher amount of xanax. Which is what I believed, too. Oh, thank you God!!!! I immediately felt SUCH relief when she talked about that.
She also reminded me that my panic disorder is a chronic condition - that I may need medicine now and even for a while - but not forever, although I may have to treat it forever, just not medicinally. The way she said it - it didn't sound so bad.
Also got a TON of reassurance that my heart is 100% healthy and she even said "You're not going to drop over with a heart attack." YES, I NEEDED to hear that!!! THANK YOU!!!!
So, I had a pretty good rest of the day, I even drove a bit - first to take my son to his cast-removal appointment and then back to my husband's office - all of what, three blocks? On the way to the appointment I did great, on the way back to Venti's office I had a moment or two of panic. Damn.
Tonight we also drove to a town 40 miles away to visit Venti's uncle whom he'd never met, who is involved in a cross country drive to raise awareness for organ donation. He was a really nice guy and I'm glad we went. Even took pictures! It was nice. A nice thing to do on a Tuesday night instead of sit around and stare at the walls or hear the TV blaring. I even got to go to Taco Bell!! :)
So, it was hot as hell again today - but the a/c repairman is coming tomorrow between noon and four, thank GOD. It's a three hour job, I don't care, I just want it fixed! I'll be just thrilled! I am such a cranky bitch when it's hot.
I am feeling very positive tonight - it's a great feeling! I already took the 10mg of buspar so I'm not freaked out about that - especially since my doctor said "Hey, 5mg twice a day is a miniscule dose - we're shooting for 30mg a day - so we've got to get you worked up to that!" I didn't realize the 5mg was a small dose, sorry - miniscule dose - I thought it was a therapeutic level for some people but I guess not.
My friend K is also taking the same dose as I am, we started the same day but her doctor increased her dose about a week ago, she didn't notice that things got worse anxiety-wise for her and since we both felt the same when we started on it, I'm sure I'll feel fine with the increase, too.
I just don't know when to start taking that Toprol - maybe i'll wait until the weekend when Venti will be home with me in case I panic about it. I've taken it before - for four days, then i stopped because I felt so good and didn't think I needed it. (DUH!!!!!!!)
Well, it's been a good day and I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a GREAT day.
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