It's funny how you write such personal things on the web, even knowing full well that millions of people, even family, could come across it. I hope to God that nobody I really know ever reads these ramblings, except Venti of course.
My God things have been rough - that's true, but there are good things in there to be found. I am trying very hard to write only about those things tonight because I hear it's all about perspective.
Perhaps the lesson I need to learn most with Grande is that things are not always what they seem. Tonight he hurt my feelings something fierce and I took it very personally, anger welled up inside of me so badly that I panicked at the physical sensations of it. Venti came home shortly after the whole episode, after Grande had stormed up to his room, and gave me a fresh perspective on the whole thing. He said he would bet anything that Grande was up in his room sleeping - just like he was the night that he refused to open his door. After Venti went up to change, he came down and confirmed it - that yes, Grande was definitely sound asleep. So I started to think ... what time did he go to bed last night? No earlier than 2:30am - and he said he'd gotten up at 6:30, so of course he was tired. So, what I thought was definitely sheer hatred and using me as a doormat, was - well, some of that but also the fact that he was very tired.
So - what's the solution? Make sure that he gets to bed at a reasonable hour? It's after midnight right now and the "episode" happened at about 5:30, he's still sleeping. I wonder if he'll come down so we can talk about the whole thing? I hope he doesn't, I hope he sleeps until tomorrow morning and then when he gets home from school we can talk.
I really do love him so very much, I wish he respected me as a mother. Venti says that he treats me as if I'm his sister - which would seem more realistic since I had him so young - hell, I didn't do a very good job of standing up against my ex-mother in law when it came to her trying to steal him away from me and raise him as if he were her own, God I was so young. But, I know better now, and I'm trying to work with what I've got. I just have to try to remember that I'm 32, not 17. I'm the parent. I'm an adult. He is the kid, he gets that role and I get the parent role and although it's going to take a big shift in perspective, it's something solid I can work with. There, that felt positive!
Our financial situation. It's not permanent, and even if it turns out to be - I've got my kids and my husband and we love each other alot. We'll figure something out - but regardless, we'll have each other.
(Man, I'm really fighting hard not to bitch about things!!!! This is difficult!!)
We have a nice home with enough room and we live in a good school district - the kids are doing better with their grades than they have in a long time, the kids in the neighborhood are generally pretty nice and it's also a safe neighborhood.
We are 3 hours from the Atlantic Ocean - and although it's not nearly as impressive as the Pacific, it's there if we need to get away. (Biting my lip...get away to the crowds in NJ? **groan**)
My family. Oi. Okay, I can do this. I can't fix my sisters drug addiction or control addiction, I can't fix my other sisters selfishness, nor my other sisters aloofness, and I can't make my mother love me any differently than she already does. There is no making my brother remember that I still love him.
There is no making anyone do anything they don't want to do, I have to remember that.
My anxiety - well, I have cut my xanax use down to 3mg a day from 6mg a day and I'm really proud of that - and I am, in fact, taking further strides to overcome the debilitating level of anxiety I have. I have stayed on the Buspar that my family doctor gave to me and I will be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow for more in depth guidance on how to beat these panic attacks. I know that even if he pushes a drug on me that I don't like, such as one that I know will cause me to gain 50 pounds, that there are others to try.
I have to remember that I am not completely agoraphobic, my anxiety does not actually hold me a total prisoner in my own home, I can go out with my husband, I can drive by myself if necessary, I can go shopping and well - do just about anything. I also have to focus on the fact that once upon a time, I couldn't even do that. Two whole years where I couldn't even leave my house or I'd panic and feel like I was going to pass out. I am much, much better.
So, with the help of my family doctor, a psychiatrist, then finally - what I've been waiting forever for - a psychologist. It will be $55 each visit but well worth it. I'll think of it as money going towards buying back my life, and that can only be a very positive thing!
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