Of course, the weekend will be here tomorrow and that means everyone will be home, but usually that means that forces clash and people are pissy. Especially the little people who think that the big people should be spending every waking moment entertaining them which usually means spending gobs of cash. No gobs, not even a miniscule cluster at the moment - so this ought to be an interesting weekend.
I wish we could go to "THE Indian Restaurant" tonight, then to Starbucks for lack of a better coffee place, oooh - no, first a movie, then the restaurant, then starbucks. That'd be so cool. I guess things like that stop happening after you have a baby, though. Well, there is such a thing as babysitters but I don't trust anyone, or - in fact - know anyone that could babysit Short Decaf.
So yesterday was a good day for me, anxiety-wise. That's always a good thing. Maybe the Buspar is starting to work, that'd be a nice break.
So, what happens after I get better with my panic attacks? The last time I got better I ended up getting a divorce because I couldn't stand living the same life that I'd hated for years and years. I'm sure something major will happen, not a divorce, but I think generally speaking that things MUST change or else I'll slip right back into panicking every day and being agoraphobic and having my mind waste away as I sit here on the computer and type to nobody. That is what happened last time after my panic attacks came back - after my divorce and after my father had died and after I'd settled into a new life. This cycle is a bitch.
Panicked for years and years, life altering change in amount of panic, panicking for years and years - now will the life altering change in panic come again - and if so, do I start to prepare for the panic to come back or do I just burst through life like a steamroller - er, no, that's a little slow - powerful but slow, burst through life like a tasmanian devil on speed? Powerful, fearless and nearly manic in my effforts to make up for the last three years of my life?
Well, about the Buspar again - it makes my heart beat slower for some reason- I don't know if that's a side effect or if that's what it's supposed to do but I'm sitting here and my heart rate is only 60bpm which is super low for me. When I go to bed at night and relax it gets down to like 52 - usually it is 82 or so, which I was always scared about being too high. I'm just a mess with all of these fears - and I really can't wait to talk to the panic doctor next week.
I'm not actually panicking about this but I feel lightheaded and so tired, and that makes me nervous.
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